tuesday music fun!

Since I've started teaching, I've really felt my age.  I am ten years older than my students and frankly I feel like fifty or more years could separate us.  Technology has transformed our culture to an extreme extent over the past ten years making things so different for today's teenagers.

But what makes me feel I've aged more than anything...
is these two bands reuniting! :)

Seriously, I remember the days of listening to "Quit Playing Games with my Heart" in my walkman, to staying up late to see New Kids sing "Funky Funky Christmas"on Arsenio Hall!
It feels like so long ago...

and even longer...

and you know I am going to get back to my thirteen year old roots to see these 'men' live next year! :)

life lesson.

I grew up with Mr. Feeny.  This is by far my most favorite episode of Boy Meets World.  It makes me laugh and cry.  I dream to embody many of the things Mr. Feeny embodied.  He was a wise and loving teacher.

looking unto Him.

i don't know what to say for the things that happen that we do not necessarily understand.  when focused on circumstances, and when comparing your life to others, life often seems unfair.  sometimes it feels like we are the only ones making mistakes, sometimes it seems like we are the only ones left in the dust, the one that no one wants.  but gravitate toward reality and we find that's not the case at all.  we are beautifully and wonderfully made.  we are loved with a love that is incomprehensible. so how we live our lives ought to be built on those real truths.  it has the potential to change everything.  


"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." ~Colossians 3:17
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." ~Galatians 6:9-10
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." ~Psalm 139:14


love this song...the reminder of His never changing, always giving, unconditional Love! it makes me happy!
this guy is pretty amazing too! :)

a happy piece for a monday

because monday can be so hard, this is a happy piece that makes it better, if only for today.

dream made reality!

Remember this one? 
Well, last night the dream came to real true blue lovely life!

It was one of the most AMAZING shows of my life!!!!!!!!! I have waited 8 years for this and it was completely worth it! Dave is one of the most amazing individuals and musicians I have ever encountered.  He is beyond gifted when it comes to penning songs and performing them! 


I cannot say enough, I am still in awe.  I will see him again and again, and again! 
This song is my new favorite, and one of the best of his performance last night:

many the miles.

the years, the wear and tear, they have a story to tell.
many the miles i've walked in these shoes.

out with the old, and in with the new.

many more miles i will walk in these shoes.

today is a new day! 

a fresh start...

i will choose joy.

i can't sleep...

i've turned into a night owl, which is odd, because staying up late into the early morning hours is not how God wired me.  I am certainly an individual who prefers to be in bed early and awake early. however, working nights doesn't really allow for that. so hear i sit, logged on to my laptop, sitting atop my plush bed, with an aged snoring kitty at my side, wide awake, at 1:51am.


i wish i could talk to someone right now.  i've had so much flowing through my head and weighing on my heart lately but there never seems to be the right person to share with, or the right time to do so.  i've learned to get by without the luxury of close friendships, but that doesn't mean i don't ache for it.  i've learned that i am stronger than i think i am.  God has blessed me with amazing coping skills.  in the last few weeks, i have cried so much, over so many different things.  tears shed because of personal woe and wounds, and tears shed for people and things so outside my little world, but they still seem to affect me so deeply.  crying is therapeutic.  as much as it isn't enjoyable in the moment, the outpour of tears really cleanses the body and soul.  but in all these tears, in all this wounded-ness i can never seem to let go of hope. and love. i humbly bow my knees and thank God for His gracious lovingkindness to allow me the strength and courage to hold onto hope and consistently feel and rest in conscious awareness of his love.


the state of this world and the majority of the people in it really scare me.  everyone seems to be so lost.  it saddens me, because they don't even know it...nor do they care.  i long for just one dependable person to have in my life, one person committed to Christ, committed to trusting Him, and striving to live obediently.  gosh, i know i falter in this, but still strive to press on, pressing into Him.  it gets lonely sometimes.  no one cares.  everyone is willing to compromise, to settle, to turn their backs.


there are so many lies, so many temptations circling around me everyday. i know i am not alone in this.  we need to put on the full armor of God everyday to combat these enemies.  i don't want to be discouraged.  i feel encouraged, even in these feelings of alone-ness.  God is with me, and that is more than enough.  I know He can heal my wounds, but healing is not instantaneous.  I know He can comfort my loneliness but comfort doesn't always come immediately.  and that is okay.  I know I can bring Him my struggles because He cares. He carries the burdens. I can rest.  We can rest.  Let's trust Him, and live life like we do.

the heart waits. (breaking free from the collective "they")

i am walking through the passage of transformation. i am diving into the sun kissed waters of separation.  i am swimming into maturity, and i will come out of these waters changed. i'm on the brink of a metamorphosis.

Change begins with the recognition that we are not so much an "I" as a "they."  We may like to think that we are individuals living out our own unique truth, but more often we are scripts written collectively by society, family, church, job, friends, and traditions.  We are reduced to an object, an It.  Our lives become mundane and banal.  

Who would I be? (Without the influence of "they?")

I want to have an experience of pure beingness.

We must differentiate ourselves from the roles we play, no longer living out of the scripting and expectations thrust on me.  Rather living my own truth.

strict joy.

Sunday night was one of the most amazing nights of my summer thus far.  taking in the cool night air, spending time with a good friend, and hearing some of the best music was absolutely incredible.

Zooey Deschanel is the most adorable thing ever! She wore the cutest girlish green dress, with a great silver sequenced belt, black tights, black flats, and danced around the stage like a five year old, banging a tambourine, impressing everyone with her extraordinary vocal abilities.  she has penned the most beautiful heartfelt songs i've ever heard, and enjoying them live was unforgettable! she&him's cover of 'you really got a hold on me,' 'roll over beethoven,' and 'i put a spell on you' were outstanding! m. ward was nothing short of amazing!

the Swell Season! what can i say? i am in love. they were completely humble, beautiful, charming souls, that harmonize amazingly, sing with such love, i just sat there completely in awe! glen hansard is one of the most passionate singer/guitar players i've ever heard. and marketa irglova is the sweetest thing i've ever encountered in a venue as large as the hollywood bowl.
i was completely impressed and ecstatic with how respectful and enraptured with the show, a crowd of 17,000 people were. ah-mazing!!!!
love this # best...from their most recent album...strict joy!

Waiting.

perhaps, the title of this blog seems most fitting because i am literally sitting in a waiting room.

waiting, waiting, waiting...

it's quiet in this waiting.

there are many waiting rooms we encounter in life.  there are the literal ones, at doctor's, dentist's, or other offices, and there are the figurative ones.  we don't always choose these waiting rooms, sometimes we are just placed there for undetermined amounts of time.  we have choices when we are there.  we can sit quietly and let time pass.  we can do something productive while we wait, or we can flee, because the waiting is just too gruesome.

I believe God has me in a place of waiting.  this doesn't mean that life stops moving forwards, or that i am not participating and making wise choices to keep my life in motion, it doesn't mean that i am sitting still, staring out the window, drooling on myself...but i am waiting.

He is working in me...i really feel it...something big is happening...

i am so beyond grateful to have been introduced to Sue Monk Kidd.  she is my kindred soul, a mentor of sorts.  i was introduced to her by another mentor who has been guiding me in my spiritual journey. i have learned so much from her in such a short time.  though our life paths differ greatly, our emotional and spiritual paths are so so similar, it is eerie.

she writes in one of her finest works, that the waiting times in life do not mean that we are disengaged in life.  waiting is a painful process, but it is so beautiful when you can look at it through eyes that aren't impatient and angry with the waiting.  she likens the process to that of a butterfly or a flower, and how they each evolve in a unique process.  each spend time in darkness (waiting) until they are ready to become what God made them to be...something extraordinary, precious, and beautiful.  a butterfly must be born a catepillar, endure a cocoon, and then grow to become what it was made to be.  flowers start as seeds, planted deep in the dark soil, and take time to grow up, and make their way out, as a beautiful creation the way God intended them to be.

right now i am buried in the soil...but i am being watered and fed, equipped and prepared for something new, something wonderful, something big.

the waiting can be grueling, but it will never be worth it if i keep running away from it.

Lord, help me not to run away.

bloom where you are planted.

Hosea 14 
Israel, return to the Lord your God,
because your sins have made you fall. 
Come back to the Lord
and say these words to him:
"Take away all our sin
and kindly receive us,
and we will keep the promises we made to you. 
The people of Israel will again live under my protection. 
They will grow like the grain, 
they will bloom like a vine, 
and they will be as famous as the wine of Lebanon. 
 

thoughts.

1) If I could, I would spend every day reading, painting, swimming, walking, perusing book stores, and cuddling with my kitty.
2) I have never lived anywhere but Southern California. If I could live anywhere else, I would live in Seattle, Portland, or maybe somewhere in Greece.
3) My favorite books are The Catcher in the Rye, The Bell Jar, and To Kill a Mockingbird.  I dream to contribute something as noteworthy as these novels to the world of literature.
4) My 90 year old grandma is the dearest, loveliest person I know. When I am 90 I hope to be someone like her.
5) My life goal is to teach the Bible & Literature in any capacity God allows me.
6) I like movies and books that portray the life of a strong female protagonist.  It is beautiful to watch/read as she finds herself, creates a new life path, and is able to express herself beautifully. This inspires me to live with purpose.
7) If I was locked in a room for twenty four hours straight...all I would want are blank canvases and acrylic paint!
8) I love male vocalists, with soft deep voices, who write poetic and meaningful lyrics accompanied by a guitar or a piano.  They calm me and inspire me in unexplainable ways, help me sleep, and write. (i.e. Greg Laswell, Joshua Radin, K.S. Rhoads, Sam Beam, Justin Vernon, Ben Lee, and Mat Kearney).
9) Independence Day and Christmas Day are my favorite days of the year, I want to feel every moment of them.
10) June gloom inspires and comforts me...i wish it'd hang on a little longer.
11) I have a profound respect for female young adult authors that tackle real life teen issues in beautiful, honest, and healing ways. (i.e. Laurie Halse Andersen, Sarah Dessen, Rachel Cohn & Sara Zarr) I want to write like them, and communicate a positive message to teenage girls.
12) When I get depressed or discouraged with life, I like to imagine myself in another life that usually takes me to another country like Italy, in which I spend my days writing novels, drinking cappuccinos, taking long walks, and totally free of any commitments.
13) Jackson Pollock's Blue Poles is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen.  If I look at it long enough, I start to cry. Creating paintings with that much emotion is an incredible gift I long for.
15) I think getting my teaching credential is the best decision I've made, but it has been the most difficult journey.
16) I never feel more at peace with who I am and who God is than when I am outside communing with Him in His extraordinary creation.
17) If I never get married or have kids, I will become the crazy cat lady!
18) Injustice, oppression, and apathy break my heart and challenge me to live my life unselfishly.
19) I like to think I make a difference in people's lives by providing them with a quality espresso beverage and a friendly smile.
20) My dream career is to be a novelist.

whales, elephants, and owls, oh my!

i am bubbling with creative energy right now. i wish i was in my art room with blank canvases and a colorful palette with clean brushes and light classical music. i am loving bright colors right now! pinks, greens, purples, and blues...pink whales, green elephants, and purple owls!

i solely want babies so i can decorate a nursery with bright colorful random animals!

how adorable is this pink whale umbrella? found here:

since i am actually in class right now, i best start paying attention! :)

pop,

i smelled a fresh cucumber and i thought of you. i imagined biting into a plump, juicy, bright tomato and i thought of you.  i see a garden of fresh flowers and strawberries with tools lying around and i think of you.  two years already. you're missed.

gloomy, glorious, wonderful, dread!

i have been feeling so chaotic inside lately. i cannot seem to get my grasp on reality...i have been straying so deeply into my superbly skewed perspective of things.  what is real?  what is real? i continue to ask myself in an attempt to not get so entirely lost in the chaotic messy emotional mess that is my brain.

i am seriously dreading this week. dreading...i don't want to do all of the school tasks ahead of me. everything is so entirely out of my comfort zone. i know come sunday, God willing, I will wake up in my own bed and be so pleased with how the week went and that i conquered fear and boldly grasped life by the balls, but i just can't seem to appreciate the likelihood of that outcome until i arrive there.

i just wish it all didn't seem so daunting and dreadful in the meantime! ugh!  oh well, the shiny bright spot in all of this is that i do have some cute outfits to sport this week...perhaps i will post some pics of these adorable ensembles on here :)

another shiny bright spot is the grand encouragement this week, from who else, but teachers from my past.  how odd the timing of that now that i think of it :) it has been truly a blessing to hear from my delightful speech teacher from high school share her words of wisdom on the topic of "courage" and my college professor sent me a nice little message of encouragement that just made my day!  gosh, i didn't realize how special any of this was until i actually typed it out here.  Thank You Lord for that! What Gorgeous Timing You Have! Why do I doubt???


with all of this "big" school stuff coming up...i have the opportunity to take a few days off work, which is of course very nice, but this little break seems to have come when things finally seem to be gelling. hmmph! well i cannot curse and praise timing in the same post, so i will just hope next week will continue that way!

"W" still comes in everyday. i guess i didn't scare him off, i guess i kind of hoped that i had. so since i haven't i am now managing to be not so shaky and my heartbeat craziness that takes place the second he walks in the door has subsided to maybe a 120 beats per minute ;) i actually produce coherent words from my ever fumbling mouth with him when i do have the opportunity to interact and he just looks at me so sweetly, but there is always a perplexed nature that colors his "oh so sweet: expressions.  i like that maybe i've confused him, or that i make him a little nervous. he just makes my days a little more interesting ;)

and i seem to find myself increasingly drawn to "J." he is seriously one of the nicest people i have ever met of the male variety...i am not sure what to make of him, but i highly enjoy being in his presence.

other than that, i am also highly enjoying the gloom and cool of june.  it is romancing me in such a glorious way.  in spite of nerves running high, i find having the window open, or being outdoors seriously calms my soul.
and michael buble seems to be the perfectly fitting  running theme music for june thus far. if i ever have my dream wedding...which will consist of about eight to ten people (and that includes me and that dude i will call my husband) we will dance to this song (if he's okay with it.) outdoors under the soft moonlight!

heartbreak warfare.

i am not the biggest john mayer fan anymore, but i cannot deny the musical and lyrical depth and maturity in this song.  it stirs my heart, and i feel hope and understanding.  sometimes life is heartbreaking.  heartbreak never seems to be restricted to one realm of life, or a small time frame.  it can span years and radiate to the depths of the soul.

so many things can break our hearts. so many things! this week has been full of gut punches. on thursday i texted a friend when i felt at my wit's end.  of course she was going through her own heartbreak, and i remember saying, "i don't know how much more i can cope with."  well, neither did she probably. we met for church today and talked afterwards, and all this heartbreak, all these emotions, they just boiled down to something really simple.  life is life. i know none of us have tasted our last let downs and disappointments.  we won't stop feeling the gut punches, and the emotional stirs of chaotic events until we are no longer breathing.  and that is okay, because it is life.  but how do we cope in the meantime?

i think i realized today that there is a part of heartbreak i can be grateful for.  and that part is where i really see people as people...objects of worth and immeasurable value, wholly loved by God.  the more i love people, the more my heartbreaks.

may heartbreak stir souls to action. may heartbreaking disappointments not deter us in our good works to glorify you Lord.  keep us moving...may we remain determined in the face of the most heartbreaking circumstances.


"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." ~Galatians 6:9.

memorial.

memorial: something designed to preserve the memory of a person (by event, monument, or holiday.) 
happy memorial day 2010!

today i thought i might cross off something from my list...laying flower's on my grandparents graves. however, i failed to realize the amount of people committed to pay their respects by visiting cemetaries on memorial day.  i think i will save it for a midweek excursion.  i miss visiting my papa, he passed away many years ago, and i have gone to his grave site several times.  however, i have yet to visit since my nana, and my other grandfather passed away.  it is not something i really enjoy doing, nor do i feel it necessary to preserve my memories, however, it's something i feel like i need to and want to do to honor them.  i love memorial day because in so many ways it kicks off summer!  baseball games, barbeques, long days, warm nights, pool side reading and chatter, bike rides,    summery tunes, the feeling of freedom, even if there really isn't any.  i am excited for the next three months.  i am stoked to see what could happen...

for some memorial monday summer excitement...i am loving this montage!!!!!

patience & prayerfulness, may you guide 26...

26 steps, 26 dreams, 26 prayers, 26 hopes, 26 loves, 26...

recently i walked from twenty-five into twenty-six.  since that has happened i feel marked with a new maturity.  this rarely happens around birthdays.  i tend to notice maturity when big things happen that test my patience, faith, love, trust, etc.  though there seems to have been a lot of tests lately,  i can't say that i've always come out on the other side a spanking success story. however, i've learned so much and i guess that is where the wisdom, courage, and perseverance come from (a.k.a some form of maturity).  failures do not destroy me like they used to, they challenge me to keep pressing on.

more than anything i am learning to love...

it sounds crazy, but i don't think i really live my life in love.  love begins to happen when you really see people.  when i actually take the time to see people, they become real. working in areas where i am constantly dealing with people, intimately, or on the surface, as i begin to really see them, it definitely changes how i go about my work.  i know it is going to be a long process...but life is different this way & i like it.  i anticipate a lot of growth for twenty-six. i am beyond excited to see where God will take this dreaming timid girl ready to take on life with a great boldness!

the last two months have been an amazing adventure...i pray the adventure can continue as well :)

antifogmatic! beyond excited about this one :)

loved with an everlasting love.

I am certain I do not fully understand...but that's okay.
This year, thus far, has been one big battle.  My friend reminds me everyday that we are warriors and warriors never get a moment off.  This is true, warriors are always at work, but luckily for me, I have the God of the Universe on my side and He is working too, beyond whatever I could ask or imagine.

He is helping me let go of anger and fear.  Honestly, this is a miracle.  I am so attached to these emotions, so much so that they have truly defined who I've been lately.   Graciously, in the last few days, I have been and am currently really beginning to feeling freedom from these binding emotions.  I did not necessarily choose, and definitely did not create this freedom, but I feel as though I have been able to let go a little bit, to see with new eyes the One who made me, and the ones around me.  I am finally able to see apart from anger and fear, and to see God and others in and with love. I fear a lot of the time that God is extremely disappointed in me. I tell myself consistently that He is really angry with me and would rather have nothing to do with me at all.  After all I fail all the time.  I am consistently losing my temper, and saying things, terrible things, things that I thought could/would never come from my mouth.  I felt things I never thought I could/would feel, and am ashamed to even speak of.
I had never felt so alienated from Him and everyone else.
But there is the glorious and majestic work of His Hands that surround me and tell me something different than what I feel.
I look at creation, the ocean, the flowers, a sunset, the birds in the air, and I see Him.  I see His love.  I see His gentleness, and I am blown away and mesmerized by this God who pretty much contradicts all my notions  that He is angry and bitter towards me.  I can't see the things that I see, and feel the things that I feel, when I look at Him, and still think He wants to put a boot to my ass and yell and scream at me when I mess up.  I need Him too much.  I want him too much to go on living in a way in which I can so easily become alienated and run and hide from Him.
There are people out there that cannot be defined as terrible.  There are people out there who love, and are patient, and speak kindness and truth, no matter how shitty I am, and can be.

I would hope and pray that no one else feels this way, this alienation, this pain, this fear and anger, or whatever other hurts and wounds we may carry, but I know it isn't true.  I know we are all enduring these heavy burdens and pains, and some of us never can shake them.  I really believe this aches the heart of the Lord more than I can ever know.

He loves you, and He loves me soooooooo much.  I do not understand.  I cannot comprehend.  But I trust it. I do.  And I hope you do too.  I hope that no pain, affliction, or negative emotion can keep us so bound that we are blind to anything good.  Freedom is what I pray for.  For you...and for me.

remember this.

"Lord you made me laugh even when i felt like crying, Lord you made me sing, even when my heart was achin', when i needed love, when i needed peace, when i needed understanding, Lord i found you there."

i've moved past tears, i've progressed through rage, and i am finally calm.  i kept telling myself over and over, jennifer, remember this feeling.  you don't want to feel like this ever again.  ever.

but, to not feel like this ever again, probably equates with hiding under a rock for the rest of my life.  no, don't want that.  well....no, don't want that.

ugh. i hate this.  i really do.  i hate being so vague, but i cannot even put it to words right now.  i will go to sleep and i will wake up tomorrow morning, and i won't feel this way anymore, and hopefully i can gain a fresh perspective on it all and move on joyously.

and on that note, tomorrow's easter...the day in which we celebrate the life and resurrection of Jesus.  Praise be to a gracious and loving God who offers me so much more than i ever deserved.

catching the prayer wave...part 2

a year ago almost to the day, i caught my first prayer wave.  i remember that evening vividly even though it could be noted that nothing too remarkable happened.  but in all reality, something remarkable did happen in my heart. to refresh my memory i read my blog post from last year's prayer wave.  God moves in mysterious, creative, calm, vibrant, still, and loud ways.  I really cannot do justice in describing anything the Lord does, but He always impresses, surprises, delights, and touches me in deep meaningful ways, that again I can usually never adequately put into words.

i walked around my neighborhood in a spirit of contemplation and prayer, trying to be open, and let God stir my thoughts to where, who, what, He wanted me to pray for.  this time around i experienced this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss.  i can't even quite touch, even now, what the feelings were all about.  i felt distant.  there were about twenty-three different things on my mind.  but towards the end of my walk i came to the same conclusion i did last year.  people are hurting and people are lost.  more than anything people need love.

In John 13, Jesus says, "a new commandment i give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

This is a really simple and explicit command.  love. love is how the world will know followers of Jesus.  I think on this and I conclude that everything is really simple. but then i wonder how do we, how can we, show others they are loved?  what does love look like in real life? we celebrate, commemorate, reflect on the ultimate demonstration in love this weekend.  the ultimate demonstration of love was the sacrifice of a precious extraordinary life.   i've experienced the ultimate love. now then how do i live love? how do i even begin to demonstrate the ultimate love to others?

i want to spend the rest of my life alive.

there are broken parts in everyone. i think we learn more about our broken parts the more we invest in relationships.  as i intentionally invest in people, i am really beginning to feel the wounds that have not healed, the fears that pervade my mind and hold me back.  i am beginning to see...sometimes i really don't know what the hell i am doing, and where i belong. but i am also seeing that a lot of people feel this way.  in fact a lot of our brokenness is similar. we have a lot of the same fears. we can really understand and relate to one another! why do we hold back so much? why are we so afraid? all of this crap keeps us from living...from really being alive.

intentionality.

looking at things from an intentional perspective...

i think i've written about this before.  i've certainly thought about it a lot.  i've come to several points in my life recently in which i've realized that my life often completely lacks intention.  i move along passively, allowing things to happen to me. i am not proactive towards much.  reasons are mainly because i am scared.  scared of failure, scared of rejection, scared of everything falling apart.

i have been trying to focus my life towards being intentional.  i intend to pursue and invest in relationships.  i intend to do well in school, so i work hard, invest financially, and strive for my best in every effort.

i intend to know Jesus more intimately.  I read the Word, i pray, i seek Him...i am intentional about pursuing Him.

lack of intention precedes me, and itches its way in to my everyday life.  I want to be intentional in all things.

I am making a list...a long list, full of dreams, full of ridiculous ideas, full of fun, full of "other's" thinking, full of friendship growth, full of hope, just packed full!

here's a chunk, that i hope to accomplish...sooner rather than later!
(in no particular order)
get a tattoo
lay flowers on my grandparent's grave(s)
watch every 'edward norton' film!
join a writer's group
surf
see a play
donate blood
hollywood star walk
second single subject certification.
short story writing contest(s)
$1,000 down on my credit card
learn Hebrew

love needs room to breathe...

He feels when I need.

He knows when I breathe.

He sees what I dream.

He doesn't let me sink,

He forgives me.

He holds my heart,

so why should I be afraid?

He hung the stars,

so why should I doubt?

He offers freedom and peace,

so why do I run?

monday muse.

Today, and the rest of this week is my spring break.
Unfortunately, I did not realize this was happening until last week, so I failed to make any extraordinary plans.  However, just the beauty of a week free from school,and mainly free of studying and other school related responsibilities is just so, so, so very nice.  A lot of build up for a mediocre word, but really the freedom is just so nice.  I still have work of course, but I don't have to bring any of that home with me.

I am just longing to spend time, real time, quality time with friends, I want to read, read, and oh yeah, read some more.  I want to watch some movies I have been wanting to see for awhile, and I want to finally get that pedicure...and maybe a haircut, and maybe some extra sleep (oh i feel so greedy).  I want to take long walks with no time limit.  How life seems so romantic when not under pressure with deadlines.  I love my education, I do.  I love what I am pursuing.  But for now, the freedom is nice.
And I am so, so, thankful for all of it :)
So for some fun stuff...
Music for Monday:


And let's watch this Movie and finish this Book, and really hoping it doesn't rain again, so a late afternoon walk is possible.

Oh, I am feeling so selfish, but the freedom it's just so nice :)

Healing my Image of GOD.

"Christianity happens when men and women experience the unwavering trust and reckless confidence that comes from knowing the God of Jesus." ~Brennan Manning

All things that make up a true Christian life are all rooted in an authentic and experiential knowledge of God.  God is Love and freely extends His love to us.  Love calls forth love.  Do I really believe God is fond of me, that He loves me?  Am I living my life in a way that shows God I love Him?

There are so many characteristics I attribute to God that are not Him.

It is hard to realize and admit to myself that as far along into the Christian life that I am, I do not really know God.  All the time I could've spent really getting to know Him, I've instead spent doctoring an image of Him that isn't really real.  

Anne Lamott says you can be sure you've created God in your own image, when he hates all the same people you do.  I'd say the same is true when you start thinking everything you think is what God thinks.  So when I don't like myself, I safely assume God does not like me either.

We should allow ourselves the luxury of letting ourselves be loved by God.  This might be a good starting point...heading toward healing my image of God.

a monochromatic perspective...

"So, my sister and Robbie were never able to have the time together they both so longed for... and deserved. Which ever since I've... ever since I've always felt I prevented. But what sense of hope or satisfaction could a reader derive from an ending like that? So in the book, I wanted to give Robbie and Cecilia what they lost out on in life. I'd like to think this isn't weakness or... evasion... but a final act of kindness. I gave them their happiness." ~Briony Tallis

a whimsical wednesday?

Wednesday's are whimsical when they equal a day off.  a day off from work, a day off from school, a day off from studying. whimsical, the day is left to the impulse and the whim!

This morning I walked around the beautiful outdoors with a good friend.  The day keeps transforming itself from smiling sunshine to threatening clouds.  the air is cool. if you take a minute to stand still in silence, the wind whispers whimsical things...

franny and zooey is the read of the day. i highly enjoy salinger's attention to detail and human insight.

"I'm just so sick of ego, ego, ego.  My own and everybody else's.  I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting.  It's disgusting-it is. It is.  I don't care what anybody says." ~Franny

take a pause, a moment to consider, and pray...

i am grief sick for the King family...the story of Chelsea's disappearance evolving into murder has been all over local/national headlines.  what do you speak into that kind of grief?  how will anything ever be okay again?  not much feels safe anymore.

and to leave on a somber yet whimsical note for the sake of this wednesday of freedom...

this song always comforts me...and sheds light into darkness.

happier things.

a day has to be about more than work and studying...

people & poems

"Franny to Lane: "If you're a poet, you do something beautiful. I mean you're supposed to leave something beautiful after you get off the page and everything."" ~Franny Glass (Franny & Zooey by J.D. Salinger)

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"
~John Keating (played by Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society)

it's so enjoyable to meet new people and connect with them because of a common interest. it's so lovely to talk all night with a good friend. it's so wonderful to read a book, or watch a movie and become intimately involved with the characters, to hear their voice, to know their person.

we can learn so much from each other, gain so much insight, laugh and cry...really experience something beautiful.

words offer us something beautiful. words can create the basis of our connections to each other.

inspire me.

Birds pass by to tell me that I'm not alone
Well, I'm pushing myself to finish this part, I can handle a lot
But one thing I'm missing is in your eyes

~rogue wave(s)

inspiration.

random, nonsensical, meaningless, or meaningful?

being outside inspires me.

sun, rain, clouds, wind, night, day, dark, cool, bright, warm, whatever it may be... it all serves to inspire...to provoke thought and wonder, to cause feelings that could never begin to brew had i stayed inside.

books inspire me.

there are so many good books just waiting to be devoured and so little time. here are the new and old things i love about reading:

i love that it introduces you to worlds you've never known before. i love that reading takes you into other people's lives and you get to feel with them.

if we are brave enough to go there, there are so many worlds we can come to know and better understand through reading a book.

i'm not putting limits on what i read any more. i have been conditioned to judge a book by its cover, or to steer clear of books that really delve into "real" life stuff.

but i find when i read those books...my eyes are opened, my heart is changed, and i am a more empathetic being. a lot can happen when acting and praying in and with empathy.

what else inspires?

growing globally minded.

i've been thinking about things bigger than me, places i've never been, people i don't know, and the things i have yet to learn.

it's really easy to get stuck inside me-ness. especially when things aren't going according to my plans. before 2010 rolled around i had blogged about this desire of moving from selfishness to selflessness.

it's still something i am fighting for, and this constant battle has made me think about myself a lot;) but also about others more. as i work toward my teaching credential my vision of how i will use it is growing.

i've only really imagined myself teaching here in the states.

BUT, lately my heart is burdened with the thought of going somewhere else, of dreaming bigger, and doing something more than I have imagined for myself in a reeeaaaallllly long time.

before i graduated from high school i was full of ideas of traveling the world, and bringing grand things (like love, hope, resources, knowledge) to places in the world that don't have those things.

i don't want to lose sight of that just because the world is a shaky place, or i'm scared, or i have other dreams i think are more important that keep me here.

we never know how God will shake up our lives, mess up our plans (for the better), and change our hearts.

i'm open...

today love is found

and here.

here is where.

the sun hides behind the earth
blue skies melt to black
God's eyes never close.

here is where we used to sit and talk for hours.
this is where we sat and watched the sunset.
here is where we laughed watching the birds bathe in the water.
here is where we cried just thinking about it all.
here is where we shivered as the sun slipped away and the sky turned to black.
here is where you told me, "no matter how dark it gets my eyes never close."

hello weekend, good-bye looooonnnnggggg week.

heading down a path anew...

i don't want to be skeptical or faithless when it comes to my own life and my own circumstances. i can believe for others...why can I not believe for myself?
it irriatates me so when we talk about the fact that God is on our side when things are good, but then we question where He is when things are bad. did He really just up and leave, or is He still very much there. I have to believe there is a reason behind it all. there must be. these things, so complicated as they are, cannot be meaningless. God is good and God is just. Do we just simply trust that in all circumstances? Circumstances do not determine feelings, nor are they indicative of what will happen in the future. We cannot base our understandings on our circumstances, at least from the viewpoint we can see from, becuase we can never see the whole big picture, espescially when we are in it, and maybe not ever.

Lord, help me to trust, to remember and understand who You are.

may this weekend bring restoration to troubled hearts, worried minds, and weary souls.

looking forward to an encouraging talk from a strong friend.
longing to release all these pent up tears.
aching for quiet & comfort.

Lord, comfort and quiet hearts. Heal sick bodies. May our confidence and hope be placed solely in You. I am wholly trusting You.

looking forward to cuddling with this face.

needing a hot bath, my book, and some bon iver.

mmm...

this song makes me think of my grandpa.

i found this painting of his for sale online. it looks like a demo, and it's ridiculously priced, but i really want it. love the colors.

this one evokes such a somber, yet hopeful something...makes me wonder what was on his mind when painting this...

makes me want to try watercolor again.