aspiring (to be nora).

the web has been inundated with beautiful tributes and eloquent eulogies to miss nora ephron over the past two days.  it seems every sort of writer girl feels the same special connection with miss ephron that i do.

but im still going to throw my two cents out to the world wide web, simply to put out there how wonderful, wise, and whimsical ms. ephron is, and why i want to be like her.

they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery.  i have met and watched many admirable men and women in my lifetime i found i wanted to be like. ms. ephron has affected me on a deeper level than many others.  i have admired her body of work that i have watched/read thus far.  i generally aspire to be like writers who creatively, confidently, and with grand uniqueness offer the world a gift in the form of words that conveys such beauty, wonder, and humor tied into real raw emotions.

i sort of loathe the way our society glorifies the mourning of celebrites, as if they are some kind of extraordinary human whose death deserves a grand amount of attention.  but on the other hand i do understand feeling some sort of connection to a person you might have never met.  when you do have that unique connection you do get that sinking sad feeling that the world has lost someone quite special.

nora ephron was unique among a profession mainly dominated by men. in all reality i think she made the stories and characters in her filmmaking relevant and relatable to both sexes.

it's hard to escape the chick flick/rom com genre when you name the movies she has created, but there's more heart and humor in her films and stories than many other titles who share that same genre.  in fact, i would say in her lifetime, she saw some of her own films become classics.

meg ryan is the face of most of these female protagonists that have been so influential on us females.  but it was ephron's words that made her so captivating to us.  and what is it that miss ephron taught us?  she didn't really teach us about falling in love.  if anything she taught us what it was to have good girlfriends. (how much do i adore the rosie o'donnell/meg ryan friendship in sleepless!)  she showed us that everything sloppy and terrible in life doesn't need to get fixed for things to be better.  in you've got mail, kathleen kelly doesn't get to keep her little bookshop, and her online love doesn't unfold into her romantic ideals, despite her somewhat cliche love for pride and prejudice and heroine elizabeth bennett.  sleepless and seattle reminds us too that sad things happen, and it takes time to heal.

nora ephron is definitely a main component in my writing influences, and just a role model in my navigating this life as a female.  she will be sorely missed.  she will not contribute any new stories for my thrity something self and beyond.  but i will treasure her influence and wisdom that she shed on my teenage years, and now has on my twenty something self.

miss ephron, thank you.  you will be missed.  prayers of comfort and grace for her family.

prayer.

i think most people pray.  at some time or another we all find ourselves whispering pleas, little thank you's, and big help me's to God whether we realize it or not.  i heard a lady say "God, help us" on a flight that got a little bumpy, i watched a homeless man weep on a street corner saying "Jesus" repeatedly under his breath, and i've seen many people approach the prayer room after a sunday church service.  we do it, we pray, whether we recognize it or not.

but sometimes i get stuck on and stumble over the point of such a thing as praying.  i wonder if God really listens to my prayers.  i question whether my prayers rank of any importance compared to the big heavy prayers of people dying, enduring war, terrible sicknesses, or great loss.  i look at my life and think my problems and longings don't really matter in comparison.  i get bogged down by the thought, why would God care about my stuff?  i look at how the past has unfolded and wonder if He is even capable of doing something miraculous or extraordinary with my life.

it is then that i realize that i've missed the point of this whole praying thing. i often pray and think about prayer with the intent of getting things. i think a lot of us do that. we look at God and the act of prayer and see it as a means to an end. God is a genie waiting to grant us our many wishes. what i've learned about prayer, and how i interact with God has been revolutionary. henri nouwen offers up incredible insight into what our prayer life with God can look like. no shoulds here. instead we are invited into this incredible intimacy with a big and capable God who looks at the things we call impossibilities and speaks possibility over them.
what i've learned about prayer from reading nouwen's book is so crucial, because everything he talks about takes me back to God's very own words.
i've learned that:

• prayer is about spending a few moments a day in the presence of God when we can listen to His voice precisely in the midst of our many concerns. it calls for a persistent endeavor on our end.
• prayer can be silence. that silence is filled with the caring presence of God.
• prayer involves reading the Bible. God's word speaks into our lives and allows us to look at the lives of others who encountered the same God we are.
• there is no need to force lengthy meaningless prayer time. God is not impressed by our words or time.
• true prayer: being all ear for God. (again is not so much about my words.)
• prayer is the essence of our spiritual life, without which all ministry (and life doings for that matter) lose their meaning.
• prayer involves putting our brokenness away from the shadow of the curse and under the light of the blessing.

sometimes i hold back from prayer because i feel like God is disappointed in me, or He is ashamed of me. maybe i am unwilling to repent because i feel like i have done the unforgivable. but these aren't feelings or truth from God. this is my own stuff, that i know i need to lay before Him. God does not require a pure heart before embracing us. even if we return only because following our desires has failed to bring happiness, God will take us back. God will receive us. God's love does not require any explanations about why we are returning. God is glad to see us.

becoming. part two.

i trust that there will come a day when i can look at my life and finally realize, and reflect upon, how things really began to come together.  it's hard to see right now.  it is a struggle of faith and trust.  i feel the despair swell inside of me, the worry can be all consuming at times.  but i know that happens when my eyes are fixed inwardly.  i feel as though i am starting from scratch again.  every "sure thing" has now been taken away, or i let slip away; all for a reason, i keep telling myself.  really, i don't know.  i don't know what will happen or the exacts of what i am looking for.  all i see right now is a general vague picture of what it all can be.  what i can be.

recently i was struck by a comment i heard on a new show i love, called "the conversation."  first of all, the show is amazing.  i love the style of two women, in a stripped down sort of setting, having a genuine dialogue on what its like to be a woman.  diane von furstenberg was interviewed for an episode and she said the most eloquent thing on the topic of becoming.  she talked about how she maintained the constant of being a friend to herself. i thought that was beautiful. in particular, to the question posed to her about anything she had to teach on business and finance, she basically admitted that she fell into the direction her life took, simply following the fact that she "did not know what i wanted to do, but i knew the woman i wanted to be."  that is such an encouraging thought to me.  especially when i find myself back wavering on the edge of the pit of despair.  i haven't any solid idea of where my future will take me, but i love that there is comfort and joy to take in the woman i am, the woman i am becoming, the woman God made me.

i know the woman i want to become.  today this is what guides me, and keeps me pressing on.