someday//part 3.

part 1 can be found here :)

you know what i find funny...the fact that before all my friends found their significant others, they never gave much care or thought to my search for a "special someone." (their words, not mine.)  but now, almost anytime I connect with these now married friends, they always want to know how the man hunt is going.  they always expect some new dish on the dating pool.  i find this to be a bit insulting.  though, i do not take it seriously enough to actually be offended.  but it seems, i am at that point in life when the expectation is, that he should be coming, right around the corner, any day now, and he'll suddenly appear when I, wait for it...least expect it.

the hard part about this wait after everything i've been through is that i am not sure exactly what i am looking for.  i used to know.  am i even supposed to know? but i did know.  and now it is so unclear to me, i don't know if i'd know it when i see it.

tonight i had dinner with a lovely fellow.  kind and funny.  he shared a lot of himself with me, and i too felt safe to share parts of me with him.  and yet, here i am, home...feeling...nothing.  no after date excitement, no i hope he calls me tomorrow, or even texts me later tonight.  i just don't care.  and i don't know why.  i feel like i should care.  shouldn't i?

will i care when it's you?
will i know when it's you?
will i let you slip through my fingers?

what if i miss you?

there are far too many what if's to worry over.  there are too many damning thoughts in my head right now that tell me things i know are not true.  and yet i am listening attentively.

and to you, dear sweet man who is looking for her, take heart.  keep doing what you're doing.  it's right and it's good.  we have to keep hope for someday.

someday//part 2.

when we are well on our way to comfortable togetherness, can we take walks in the evening next to large bodies of water?  will you hold my hand and comment on the beauty that surrounds us?  will you mind penny lane in all her rambunctiousness?  i imagine you will be better with her than i am, because you will have that firm voice and authority that i lack. 

and that's one of the reasons why we will fit together so well.

on summer.

• praying.
• seeking truth.
• 100,000 words.
• embracing new bands.
• mini-road trips.
• disneyland extravaganzas.
• reading books full of color, feeling and life.
• watching films that teach vulnerability and preach love.
• find a new magazine to read habitually.
• photograph everything.
• puppy hangouts.
• dresses everyday.
• learning my true self more and more.
• planes and trains...overcoming fears.
• letting words inspire art.
• beaches.
• sun-kissed skin.
• swimming & hiking.
• cooking with more vegetables & less sugar & gluten & in more exciting, creative, yet simple ways!!! woohoo!!!
• finishing felicity & chuck...finally!
• conversing with people i love, more.
• working to become better at what i do.
• feeling the days i am in.  therefore, smelling the nature world around me,  the coffee in the morning, the cool night air that seeps through the shudders, and the freshly laundered towels. listening to the wind chimes, the ducks quack, the birds sing, the lawnmower mow, the washing machine churn, my breath in my chest. tasting the food we make and slowing down to enjoy it.  trying new things.  thinking about what i read, and what i say.  giving myself time to decide.  listening to a song and knowing what it means.  writing what i feel and what is true and not what is contrived or forced.  not speeding to get somewhere but taking my time and enjoying the everyday scenery. letting penny sniff more grass instead of impatiently tugging her along, napping on the living room couch, doing nothing else while watching a movie, smile and not get irritated by the small things, those things that don't really matter anyway.  taking more pictures and being less critical for a variety of reasons.  simply being.  less doing.

on bravery...

                                            But I wonder what would happen if you
                                                        Say what you wanna say
                                                       And let the words fall out...

it's a rare instance when my brain isn't full of damning thoughts, when things feel serene, and i am clear headed enough to think on things in a logical fashion.

i find it difficult often times to freely offer my thoughts to another.

to a page in my journal, or a typed manuscript, it is much easier to let the words fall out.

and usually it seems i am brimming with thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are so achingly heavy, that long to be shared and unleashed beyond the page of a journal or a blog.

it's funny really.  i can go through such seasons of dryness and lack of inspiration.  sometimes i truly have no words to say. and the more they try to be pried out the clearer it becomes that they just aren't there.

then other times, i can be in a mess of emotions and not quite be able to distinguish one exact feeling. 

i am overwhelmed as of late, by a lot of different things.  there have been lots of job changing and shifting passions that have gone quietly to rest or come alive with new fervor.

there are relationships ending and relationships being cultivated.  it is an interesting place to be in this life of mine.  for, i feel...what's the word? i feel...like i am getting...well, in a word, brave. 

brave: adjective//feeling or showing no fear: not afraid.  example: he was a brave soldier.  she gave us a brave smile.

i feel brave in light of or maybe in spite of everything that's happening.  everything on a global scale to everything on a personal scale.  i wonder at times if it is something about the summer season.  something that brings a lightness to once heavy feelings.  a certain air that offers a sense of freedom and peace.  a desire to get back to basics and find balance.

whatever it is that i can chalk this new found sense of bravery up to, i am grateful.  bravery can inspire so much.  it can change so much.

i have something to say.  and i am not going to be afraid to say it.

honestly, i want to see you be brave.