my date with john corbett.

i had a dream that i went on a date with john corbett.

what is strange about such a seemingly random dream is what i gleaned from it so profoundly encouraged me that it felt like a necessity to document it, so that i would remember it, and come back to this dream for hope when i am feeling sad and discouraged.

as a woman of almost 29, in many ways i still feel like a girl.  i mean girl in the most sincere sense. i mean it in that way that i still hold onto the idealistic and perhaps naive dreams of my younger self. while there is a definite difference between 28 year old me and 15 year old me and even 5 year old me, i still remember all of these girls in the most real way.  in fact on most days i miss aspects of each version of me. granted i spent many years hating the younger me.  she was never good enough.  she should have been smarter, prettier, thinner, more popular, and more successful.  but the younger version of me has something that i do not.  she had a certain innocence.  she looked at the world and the men around her with a much less jaded eye, a much less corrupted by the world and its ways sort of outlook.  she lived her life in a much more "in tune with herself and God" kind of way.

it's weird being a single almost 29 year old woman.  because now i live in a world in which most of my peers are not single. my serious relationship experience was one of the biggest let downs of my life, and because of that i find myself often doubting the seemingly good intentions of most men.  maybe this is because the history of my romances follow a similar pattern. perhaps this is because most of my dates have been a bit weird, dull, or just downright boring.  perhaps this is because i chased after the wrong guy for so long and got hurt so deeply that it was hard for me to really put myself out there after that.  i hate using those "dating" phrases and cliches.  but there is some truth in them.  i think what has often sabotaged my dating attempts is my very own deep rooted fear of being seen and heard.  i mean, really seen and heard. i think i try to hide myself until i feel like it is safe to come out...and it seems that we never really get there.  or at least no man has been willing to give the time to get there.

and that's okay, because here's another cliche...maybe i just haven't met the one yet.  and honestly i am not a firm believer in the one.  i think there are lots of ones out there for me, i just haven't met any of them yet.  but i do believe they exist even if i never see them.  and believe me, i am not one of those girls, ahem women, who have this grand illusion about their fella.  i fully expect a flawed individual.  i in no way hope for a man to meet my needs and desires the way i think they should be met.  i trust that he will do his best, and i will be happy with that...because i already know and accept that there isn't a man who will "complete" me.  there isn't another half out there to make me whole.  i know this.  i know i will still feel empty when i am married to a good man.  i know i will have lonely days.  i will be sad, and he won't be able to solve the sadness.  he might make me laugh, his embrace will surely bring comfort, but let's face it...no human being can truly meet those deep core needs and desires we have on a continual basis.  so let's just call that what it is.

but back to the point of this post (geez louise, i sure know how to run around in circles).  my date, or dream rather.  we never got to the date part in my dream...you know, the actual sitting down to dinner, or doing whatever it is that defines a proper date.  we just knew we were on a date.  what is funny about john corbett being cast in my dream is that if i correctly remember everything i've seen john corbett in, with a few exceptions, is he always plays a genuinely good, not over the top romantic and mushy kind of guy.  in fact, in the opinion of many girls, he probably doesn't do enough to win the affections of the women he woos.  he's pretty simple.  i think of my big fat greek wedding and remember the total normalness of how his relationship evolved with toula.  no grand romantic gestures, or great feats to sway her father, just a simple attraction that grew to a greater affection and lifelong commitment.  the same is true when he played pastor dan in raising helen.  just a simple guy doing simple things treating a lady respectfully and sweetly.  he's a faithful and caring husband and father to a wife with multiple personalities, and some confused and angry teenagers in the united states of tara, and he is a sweet, fun, and loving father and husband in ramona and beezus.  now, i am choosing to leave out a few other examples, but all that to say, i see why he was the man in this particular dream.  i don't have a real life example of such a man except for my own father and i know him well enough to know it's not always true.

the only things i can really call to memory from this dream was walking next to him down a road, and sitting next to him as we drove in an oldsmobile car with a front bench seat, which left little space between us.  he is a man of towering height which immediately puts me at ease.  he complimented my beauty.  he laughed, and he made me laugh.  he was gentle, and gentlemanly. he opened the door.  he stepped aside and let me walk ahead when the path got narrow.  he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me towards his car.  softly enough that it didn't feel too intimate for relative strangers.  he talked enough that i learned about him and he paved a comfortable way for me to speak.  i felt safe with a good man.  and i realized upon awaking is that is all i want.  that is really all i am looking for.  safe and comfortable.  to feel like a lady.  to be respected, and to laugh a lot.  i don't expect or really want big romantic gestures. i don't think someone is going to fall madly in love with me and say that he cannot live without me.  i don't want that...and don't think i will ever feel that way about someone.  but i can vow to choose to love someone for the rest of my life.  i can say that i will care for that man in sickness and in health until death parts us.  i do want to make the promise to care for someone else the way i care about myself.  i feel capable of making such a promise before God to this one man someday, who maybe, hopefully resembles the john corbett of my dream (towering height included.)

little faith.

"Little faith//follow me//I set a fire in a blackberry field
//Make us laugh, or nothing will//I set a fire just to see what it kills"

sometimes life feels a little uneasy and a bit heavy.  sometimes my outlook gets blurred by smudges of sadness.

life is good, really.

truly.

but sometimes it feels like i am swimming through the murkiest of waters.

and it requires gathering all the faith i have to keep moving my arms and legs, so that i will reach the surface again and catch my breath.

these waters get murky when i live in a world defined by worry.

it is then that i realize where i need to be.

so i get on my knees and i pray.

i ask for something i am scared to have.

faith.

if i ask for it, and i am given it, then i must exercise it.

faith.  such an unruly kind of belief.  it isn't acquainted with impossibilities. it doesn't fear the unknown, it is isn't afraid to lean into life.

and well,

 

sometimes life is about leaning into the unknown.  

sonnet xviii

when...

today,

i actually listened to the words as they slipped off my tongue,
i heard the knowledge flow through my particularly planned sentences,
i watched their faces,
and i saw it.
and i felt that peace.
that peace that is the part of that moment,
when...

you realize,
that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.

it really is too bad we can't feel this way everyday.

but i do know, if i did, i wouldn't appreciate it nearly enough.

when the moment arrives...
it is a gift.

a gift that can be romanticized for a long while.

it really doesn't matter how brief the moment was.

it was real.

and it held so much purpose, so many prayers,
and the whole of me.