tops//thirteen

before I begin a reflective piece on the year that was and what is to come, I feel it is important to look back on some favorites discovered in 2013.

1) best film:
i loved this movie so much!  loosely based on a Henry James novel; this is/was one of the most heartbreaking and yet equally sweetest movies i have ever seen.  it's set to a beautiful melancholy score and contains one of the finest child acting performances i have ever seen. i watch it over and over and it just makes me feel so many different things in such deep and profound ways...sorrow, joy, wonder, hope, compassion....on and on and on....

2) best book (take one):
this is truly one of those books.  you know the ones.  the ones that long after you've finished you still find yourself thinking about it, about the characters, about the love and the trials, the unfairness of it all, and yet the beauty in it all is what remains.  i already knew john green was among the most brilliant of writers and one of the most fantastic of YA authors, but this book just pushed him over the edge of greatness.  it is just one of those stories that in some ways inexplicably captivates the reader.  yes, it is a love story, no it does not end happily, but it's real and raw, and it makes you care.  what more can you really ask for from a book?

3) best restaurant:
This, this, this! This was a late in the year discovery, but oh my!  Great Maple is the restaurant. Libations (just because i like the word) and seasonal plates, what more?  I had my first taste of gin, an amazing thanksgiving dinner on a turkey burger, brie and a balsamic baguette, and an apple pie more akin to an apple pot pie ala mode.  go! I will be returning often!

4) best shopping spot (x2):
(online) Effie's heart! Seriously such cute stuff...perfectly whimsical for a teacher kind of life and very akin to what Zooey Deschanel would wear.  Winner!
(in store) Paper Source Who doesn't love perusing pretty paper? Me, that's who.  I get inspired to craft, to collage, to letter write, to just be inspired.  Plus it's between Whole Foods and Peets...doesn't get much better than that.

5) let's talk t.v.:
all i ask for in my mid-week television viewing is a bit of hilarity and that feeling of connection with a well-written smart and funny character because it makes me forget my troubles and feel a little less alone for a half-hour of my life every week. and while that might sound sad or unsatisfying on so many levels, this television show is anything but.


6) best live show?
over the past few years i was much better at being an avid concert goer.  my claim of going to shows as a favorite past time didn't really live up to its name this year though.  besides some nkotb stalking...mumford &sons back in june tops my 2013 list of live music.  it was my second time seeing them and you know, i was just as enthralled and captivated by the musicianship, the voices, the passion, the poetics...all of it. 

7) word for the year: transformation.
i lamented in a mid year post that i hadn't really been attentive to my word for the year.  but you know what if funny about that?  God works whether we are paying attention or not.  He moves quietly in the thick and the folds of our lives.  and i can see now, in retrospect where He was transforming my outlooks to expectant, my dreams to actions, my worries to prayers, and my sorrows to joy.  not every aspect of my life transformed.  i didn't turn into a new or really even better person over the course of the past year.  but some important, life giving, at times crucial things changed.  and that was the transformation that i needed.

8) best trip:
2013 wasn't a big travel year for me...besides the few l.a. excursions, the quick stint to vegas, and a week in portland, i spent most of time in my hometown.  but of all these little journeys beyond my familiar sunny city were a blessing and so needed.  i think i love portland more every time i go....something about the grey drippy skies, the endless stretches of green trees, and the waterfront.  it just romances me so.

9) momentary obsession:
what remedied a week of sickness and then a week of grieving at the end of 2012...returned again in 2013.  more than a momentary obsession, sometimes i just needed the fix.  a saturday afternoon, or a weekday evening when i couldn't muster the energy for anymore work or people or life, or you know just because it's that good.  sometimes an hour just needs to be spent with Castle :)

10) best book (take two):

this book will reside in my top ten list of best reads ever.  my fitzgerald obsession now four years old has yet to wane.  i just love getting my hands on the good stuff and this one is the good-est of the good of the popular literary homages being paid to this infamous couple.

11) disneyland annual passes=the best of times.

12) penny lane continues to invigorate my life with a unique and special kind of love.

13) the date.  the one sole date.  the first date in over a year.  and it was a good one.  a really good one.  with someone unexpected. someone i'd never date again, and yet he gave me so much.  he opened my eyes.  he gave me the feelings.  the someday//someone feelings...and for that, i am indebted to my one date wonder.

something you said...

everything was just fine until yesterday morning. 

and then what you said, what you did, it seems to have changed everything inside of me.
it stirred up a longing i haven't quite felt for while. 

the thing was, you could have ignored me, i could have gone the long way around, all of this could have been avoided, but it wasn't.

instead i saw you and you noticed me, and i let you.  so unlike me.

thank you for seeing the need and stepping in.  so gentlemanly, so kindly. 

but it was something you said accompanied with what you did that so inevitably impacted me.

there are words every woman longs to hear; needs to hear in some fashion.  it takes her by surprise, it warms her, it makes her feel anew.

you made me feel anew.

and i of course, fumbled around, afraid, embarrassed, unsure.  so like me. never quite able to express what i want to express, unless you give me time, or until i put pen to page.

i thank you.  i thank you for you words.  i thank you for your time and your heart.  it made my day and it shifted something inside me.  something big, something you'll probably never know or understand.  it stirs and it's uncomfortable and scary, but i'm glad you and your words awakened it.  because all of this taught me something.  something i have been praying for and hoping for and dreaming for, for years.  it taught me to be more open, to walk towards the possibility of good.  to begin to say what i need to say and not to fumble around, afraid, embarrassed, and unsure.  i can only hope this opens me up to the possibility of more good.  i know it's out there.  i've just been too afraid to look.  i've been too afraid to let it in.

so thank you, kind sir, for something you said...

a different take on romance.

remember that time when you were talking to him.  and he was looking at you in such a way that you knew he really cared about what you were saying.  his gaze told you that you were beautiful, to him, and that was all that mattered. and then it was that small gesture, a man, his hand pushing your hair behind your ear.  romance.

then there was that moment sitting on the beach with him.  watching the sunset and the consistency of arms and hands and legs brushing against each other.  that moment when he brushes the sand from your foot to read your tattoo, the moment when he leans into you to hear the sound of your laugh as and quietly inquires to know your deepest thought.

and you cannot forget when you were in the car together and you were feeling quite ill and he placed his hand on your knee to calm you.  he gave you an assured smile that things would be okay. and when you placed your hand over his, so suddenly you were...okay.

romance.

it's a rarity.  finding and feeling romance, it often seems few and far between.

i find now, that if i am paying attention, i am romanced everyday, almost every moment.  i am romanced by the sun and the stars, the scents of winter, the movement of moon and clouds, the warmth of humanity, the dancing of lights, the taste of a soft and silvery night, and the hope of the season.

you see, romance to me is a very non-sexual thing.  it is not what culture paints it to be.  it is an emotional thing.  it is something that you feel in shallow and deep ways.  it is something i don't think you can purpose.  it just happens and when it happens, hopefully you are paying attention to what you feel, because the feelings, when the pop up, they are like a gift, a gentle reminder that you are thought of and loved.

Are you happy?

Have you been asked this question recently?  What did you say?  What would you say? 

I spent the weekend with a dear friend from college.  I hadn't seen her in her new life in a new city since she had gotten married.  Now she is pregnant, moving into a new house, married to a great guy, and working a good job.  As I observed her life for the past few days, I knew she was happy.  I didn't need to ask.  It exuded from everything she did and said.  I always knew her to be a happy person.  But this was a new and different kind of happiness.  A calmer, more real sense of happy.

As we shared our days together, me drinking espresso, her tea, laughing and reminiscing, discussing and dreaming about the future, I found myself admiring her.  I admire the woman she has become and what she has done and is doing with her life.  Everything she spoke and did just radiated happiness.  And I wondered to myself...did I? 

Our lives are so different now, we no longer parallel each other.  Am I happy?

The answer  and the truth is...I am happy.

But I am not an end all happy.

I am a happy in waiting.  Does that make sense?

I guess what I mean is, there is more that I want in this life.  There is so much more, and the wanting does not negate any happiness that I feel and have.  I just know I am definitely not a nothing needs to change kind of happy.

It seems as though I've maybe said this before.  Maybe I am writing it now to remind myself that I am grateful.  There is so much gratitude in my heart and that equates to happiness in so many ways.

So, I go on and I keep living my life, knowing that there is more to be added into my happy heart.

searching & wishing.

in a dream...

i am up above the clouds sitting upon a canyon's edge on some unknown planet.  soon i am sailing into bright light across a vast sea of glassy green and i am closer to the moon than any place on earth can offer.  it is no illusion.  it feels as real as any waking moment.  i am bathing in silky white and every single thing my eyes behold is beautiful and illuminated.  no words are spoken and i am alone, but there is new truth that resides in my heart.  new truth that is suddenly there without explanation. this experience is so authentic.  this truth so real, i am moved and as i awake from it all i am changed.  i know there is a purpose in this searching and wishing.  there will be a result to all of this that is meaningful.

50,000 words.

for the past two years, i have considered, contemplated, and wondered about nanowrimo, but never have i attempted the great feat of 50,000 words.  perhaps, in one of my busiest falls yet, this will be the year.  i am feeling inspired...searching & wishing.

an experiment in output.

i'm the type of person who constantly and consistently seeks input.  i seek wisdom from dear friends, words from lovely books, encouragement from gatherings, hope from songs, light from the day, grace in the night, and love in all moments of conscious awareness.

i like being poured into.  i want to receive as much as i can in and through everything i do and everyone i meet.

i also like to hide.  maybe it is more a preference of going unnoticed.  or maybe it's just being used to that fact, and finding more comfort in a life in which i walk along quietly.  if someone takes the time to take notice of me, i often find it more disconcerting than comforting.  i will allow them the way to let themselves be known, but i will hold back.  i will wait and see. i won't lay out the inner most parts of me.  i will hold them tight and keep them close, and then wait and see.

because it is the output that is not my thing.  as an introverted soul, spirit and person, i find it very strange and unsettling to pour myself out.  i forge relationships slowly.  i make friends little by little.  i even keep most of my words and thoughts to myself, sometimes not having the energy to let them flow across the pages of my journal or this blog.

and yet, i keep feeling this deep need, as contrary as it is to my whole self, to give more of myself, more of my heart, more of my words, to the places and people in my life.  this need for output is not really something that i desire, but something that i feel i need to do, that i am even so far as called to do.

so i am beginning an experiment in output.  for me, as always, that means a slow but sure process. and moreover it means several different things.  for starters it means sharing more of myself, my true self, my raw and real heart, with the people i am surrounded with.  at this point in my life, those people are my family (parents, grandma...), my bible study group, my friends (changing as they are), my fellow teachers, my students, and those new ones that come across my path.  these are my people right now.  these are the people i can't really try and hide from.  they are in my daily or weekly life and these are the people that in some way or another are all my family.

my usual is to hold everyone at arm's length.  that is with great intention on my part.  i let people in as i see fit.  and when it starts to feel dangerous or unsafe it is easy to cut off or shut off or whatever it is i need to do in order to protect my heart and my sensitive, emotional, deep feeling spirit.  it really makes this whole output thing rather difficult.  i am wildly sensitive.  when i come across sensitive souls i feel that they are comrades with me in this life, ones who understand the provocations and dangers to the feeler.  they are many and they make it hard to invest in an experiment in output.  and yet, i cannot ignore the call.  the call to give more.  this call i must answer.

i cannot really further articulate what it is, this experiment in output will look like.  it is only something i can really figure as i go through it step by step.  i have an inkling of an idea of where to begin.  i have a deeper thought of where it all might end up, but how i get there is and will be a day to day experiment.

grace.

"Life is like a rainbow.  You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear."

i wake up to the ringing bell of my alarm clock.  i roll over, with a sigh, knowing how desperate i am for more sleep.  but alas, i must get up so as not to be late.  upon waking, i slowly shuffle my way to the bathroom, to wash my face and brush my teeth. i am one of those who brush their teeth before breakfast. it is only then that i begin to feel more alive and awake.  i rummage through the closet, mixing and matching tops and skirts, tights and sweaters.  i toss the prospective outfit across an unmade bed, and meander down the hallway to the kitchen, a puppy at my heels. 

an open window on this humid morning gives me a clue to how hot this day will be.  but i can already feel the beginnings of autumn setting in.  a fresh beginning on the horizon.  the air begins to feel cleaner, my soul feels more at rest, i breathe deeper.

with a cup of coffee in hand, i gather pen and paper and my Bible.  i need this.  these moments, no matter how early in the day it is, are essential.  i need the quiet.  i need to hear from Him.  i need.

this early morning grace.  this before the day progresses into busyness, i need this place of just me and Him.  i need to carry it through the day with me.  i want to hear from Him beyond these moments. i want to be reminded to look to Him outside of this planned time together.  i need Him at all moments in my day.  creating this time and space reminds me of this.  His Grace. 

and as i moved on with my day, packing up my car, driving out of the neighborhood, i look up, across the street at the church building i love so dearly and i see a rainbow.  a glorious wonderful rainbow.  and i am reminded yet again of His Grace.

moment by moment, grace.

someday//someone.

i think that if i change my hair color or buy a new dress that somehow that will be all i need to be happy forever, or at least the foreseeable future. but then i get home and the dress is too short, or the hair color too light, and i am in need of another shopping spree or a box of hair dye to once again attempt to achieve happiness through outward beauty.

or i imagine the absolutely worst case scenarios on any given day.  because i worry too much, and maybe its just because in some sort of delusional way, i am prepared.  and thus, when the worried about worst case scenario doesn't actually unfold i am filled with a great amount of gratitude.  and i am reminded once again how much more i need to trust and lay my worries at His feet.

or sometimes i get really stressed out.  and i don't talk about it with anyone.  so when i come home i rearrange the furniture and i clean.  and then i feel better.  i can have control over this one thing.  my house is clean and it feels fresh and new.  and somehow that means everything else will be okay too.

in case you're not picking up on the pattern here, i tend to go off the deep end about things.  sometimes it's big things that matter and sometimes it is those small petty things that really shouldn't bother me at all.

all of this is to say, i ventured off that high up ledge of security and calm, and dove into the deep dark abyss of crazy and worry the other night and i really feel quite silly about it.  it was one of those "whoa is me" conversations with a trustworthy friend.  the kind where i am finding myself in the wrong dress, and my hair color is too faded, and i am imagining the worst case scenario.  you know, one of those conversations that unfolds over the course of a long drive, where you are honestly facing yourself, and then you utter those too true feeling words, the ones that come out in just the most awful, self-absorbed way?

what if i'm alone forever?

thankfully in that moment of utterance being with a truly good friend as i was, who wouldn't let me drown in that abyss, encouraged me that i am more than likely, if not completely being irrational about such a prospect, about all of it really.

and i was.
the hair color change.
the new dresses.
the incessant cleaning and rearranging.
what does it solve?
it is a mere displacement of feelings.

but it all does make me wonder...why do i do this...this cycle of my own craziness? i avoid, i displace, i deny, and then i freak out, i cry, and i come back to sanity and i wonder why.

why is it when i finally come around to this idea of finding you, why is it when i finally recognize those deep rooted desires within me, when i am finally not as afraid anymore, or am trying to run, that you seem to be absolutely nowhere to be found.  i wouldn't even know where to begin.  and than that all too real feeling of panic bubbles up inside of me...what if, what if, what if??? 

i watch and i observe the men i encounter.  i see how they dress, i watch how they treat the people around them, i listen to what they say, and i grow more and more alarmed.  where are the good ones? do they exist? why do i never see/meet them?

and it is only when i get down and desperate that i listen to Him.  my heart of hearts.  the truth.  the reality check.  and He reminds me...He is the good one.  and He encourages me and guides me to trust Him and only Him.  because new hair colors are not trustworthy.  and a new dress fades and shrinks...and cleanness only lasts so long.

and i think in light of where He leads me and i know....


i know you are a good one.  i believe it with all of my heart.

and i wonder when men look at me and observe me, what do they see?  a worthy woman?

someday will we find each other? and when it happens, will we feel worthy?

and one day, someday, when you come home to me and the scent of bleach is in the air and my hair color has changed slightly and there is a new outfit in the closet, or maybe, just maybe the furniture will be rearranged...will you know?

will you just take my hand, and tell me that it's going to be okay?  will you pray for me and with me?  will you point me back to Him, and can we pursue Him more deeply together?

that's all i really am looking for.

it is all i really need.

i know what's like...

to be passed over, to go unnoticed,

to be clumsy get things wrong

and i know what it's like

to arrive too late

to be told to leave

to be walked upon

 

if only for today

i wanna be the girl who got away

the lover who really loved

the dancer who really danced

to the last song

 

 

i have no control.  i am surrendering to that today.  i don't know how to piece it all together, to make it happen.  because i can't.  it's all so discouraging. 

 

i need grace, love, peace and patience. 

 

i know what it's like to not have those things. 

i know what it's like to not be seen. 

i want to do great things in spite of all this. 

 

i want to love and experience great things, to feel awe in spite of everything telling me i cannot.

 

for just today, can i be the girl who got away from all of this and just feel the freedom of faith and hope?

what i'm listening to...

i am music obsessed.  if that hasn't been apparent already, let me state it as a true blue fact. i love music.  truly, music of all kinds.  i have some embarrassing "i really don't want you to know how much i love this" tastes, and some "omigoodness this is the most amazing sounds ears can behold, how, oh how can i get this to the ears of the world so that they too can experience the glory and wonder of what i have experienced" tastes.  yes, it can be that intense.  music is such a...spiritual thing.  i feel as though that is far too cliche a thing to say, but if i didn't i think any other word would negate the power of music.  music for me, is somewhere i go to feel things, to taste and see good, to have intimacy with the Lord, with humanity, with nature...it is just so intimate.

all that to say, if for some reason you come across this, make sure you pause and listen.  listen to the melodies, to the work of the instruments, to the voice, the emotion, the intensity, the heart and soul inside each song, each verse, each movement.  and enjoy.  and for me, this is a reminder, of why music is important, of what it does for my soul, and of how it connects us, and takes us to new and deeper destinations of heart and soul.

the fun of all the others.

it always seems greener, doesn't it?

i try not to think that way.  but i can't help but constantly wonder about the lives of others?  what are they doing right now?  and somehow, it always seems better than...

but who knows?  who really knows?  i often, as of late, seem to write about the strangeness of my placement in life.  you know this whole, 29 & single thing?  i hate to chalk it up to something simple like that, because it is really so much more richly layered.  my life is complex.  i am on the brink it feels...of something.  and i try not to get weighed down by all the "what if i had done..." kind of regrets.  because i do not believe in regrets.  no regrets.

i am here, alive, today, for a reason.  a complex one.  a multi-layered, deep purposed, altering, impacting reason.  i am here.  and it goes beyond what i can know and comprehend in this moment, i know it does.  it has to.

this is what i believe.  it isn't always greener.  it just isn't.
i believe in big belly laughs and giant full tears.  both are necessary.  always.
i believe that reading, long nature walks, and soothing hot baths are absolutely essential.
i think a man should be cultured in some way.  i believe in men who can quote shakespeare and dress beyond jeans and a t-shirt.
i believe in the calm that is a result of hot tea & honey, a good dusting and vacuuming, from music that evokes beyond basic emotions.
i believe that nothing is greater than purposeful solitude, the silence that comes from someone who really listens, and the love of home, wherever or whatever home is.

i believe that greener is here before me.  i don't need to keep looking elsewhere.

inspired transformation.

six months into transformation...and nothing feels much transformed.

it was my friend Christina who gave me the idea of having a word//phrase for each year. for some reason, i felt this pull to the word transformation for 2013.  though for the longest while i couldn't figure out why.  i didn't know what transformation looked like or how i should really go about pursuing it.

last year the phrase i lived and breathed by was "with all my heart."  and wow! that one was spot on.  you see, the whole idea behind the word or phrase for each year is not only a source of inspiration, but a mantra to call upon for strength and encouragement.  it is a guide, a sort of breath prayer that takes me from worried and wayward to centered and focused.  i use the word/phrase as a reminder.  it is a clear focus.

however, this far into 2013 and it seems transformation has been the furthest thing from my mind. it wasn't until this past sunday that i caught a glimpse of that big picture. i finally saw the word transformation and all it can hold, i saw it in a picture...for my life.

transformation: a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance; a metamorphosis in the life cycle (usually of an animal).

like with anything big, transformation isn't something that just happens to you.  it takes work.  it is a long and arduous process.  it is all about posture.  we need to position ourselves for transformation...that is, for me, loosening my grip on control, closing my eyes, breathing slowly, ignoring the voices of resistance and learning to discern.

for me, it is ignoring the voices of cynicism and fear.  it is pushing away ignorance and embracing more knowledge and truth.

for me, it is wholly trusting in the power of God and giving Him my whole self.  there is a shape that it takes, a full circle kind of feel.  it is going from having the necessary tools, learning how to use them, implementing their use, and then experiencing that change as you do.

for me, transformation requires inspiration.  inspiration is such an overused term, and yet so fitting because it is such a fully and wholly mysterious word.  it breathes life, it beats.

i turn to that which inspires, words, lives and light.  looking out on a cityscape, listening to your heart beating, following the magnetic and hypnotizing words of a wise and endearing soul.  it is there, it is to be found, it does exist.

how to be happy.

 i wake up early.

i brew coffee.

i top my oatmeal with fresh blueberries.

i read in the sunlight, in the quiet.

i am smothered in puppy kisses.

i edit/add to my "daily do" list.

i walk around the neighborhood before everyone is on their way for the day.

i am hydrated.

i look at other people and i smile.

i am noticed and i am loved.

i work and breathe in and out, thank you, i am doing what i love!

there is music that inspires and motivates always on rotation.

i exercise, because after which, i am a better person.

i pray for the hurting people God has brought to my attention, may they catch a break...i whisper gratitude in healthiness, beauty, and hope.

i may spiral down...damning thoughts enter in, insecurities take over, but that's okay.  and normal.  because somehow, someway, i find my way back out.  and that's good.  for too damn long i could not find my way out.

then i am thankful.  i've come a long way.

i sit down and i talk with someone who wants to share part of their day with me.

i wind down early because its good for my soul.

i read words that fill me up and watch something that makes me laugh.

i bathe in soft scents and comforting warmth.

i lie down and i think of you.  i pray for you.  i pray for me.  i am thankful for yet another day.

i fall asleep...happy.

someday//part 3.

part 1 can be found here :)

you know what i find funny...the fact that before all my friends found their significant others, they never gave much care or thought to my search for a "special someone." (their words, not mine.)  but now, almost anytime I connect with these now married friends, they always want to know how the man hunt is going.  they always expect some new dish on the dating pool.  i find this to be a bit insulting.  though, i do not take it seriously enough to actually be offended.  but it seems, i am at that point in life when the expectation is, that he should be coming, right around the corner, any day now, and he'll suddenly appear when I, wait for it...least expect it.

the hard part about this wait after everything i've been through is that i am not sure exactly what i am looking for.  i used to know.  am i even supposed to know? but i did know.  and now it is so unclear to me, i don't know if i'd know it when i see it.

tonight i had dinner with a lovely fellow.  kind and funny.  he shared a lot of himself with me, and i too felt safe to share parts of me with him.  and yet, here i am, home...feeling...nothing.  no after date excitement, no i hope he calls me tomorrow, or even texts me later tonight.  i just don't care.  and i don't know why.  i feel like i should care.  shouldn't i?

will i care when it's you?
will i know when it's you?
will i let you slip through my fingers?

what if i miss you?

there are far too many what if's to worry over.  there are too many damning thoughts in my head right now that tell me things i know are not true.  and yet i am listening attentively.

and to you, dear sweet man who is looking for her, take heart.  keep doing what you're doing.  it's right and it's good.  we have to keep hope for someday.

someday//part 2.

when we are well on our way to comfortable togetherness, can we take walks in the evening next to large bodies of water?  will you hold my hand and comment on the beauty that surrounds us?  will you mind penny lane in all her rambunctiousness?  i imagine you will be better with her than i am, because you will have that firm voice and authority that i lack. 

and that's one of the reasons why we will fit together so well.

on summer.

• praying.
• seeking truth.
• 100,000 words.
• embracing new bands.
• mini-road trips.
• disneyland extravaganzas.
• reading books full of color, feeling and life.
• watching films that teach vulnerability and preach love.
• find a new magazine to read habitually.
• photograph everything.
• puppy hangouts.
• dresses everyday.
• learning my true self more and more.
• planes and trains...overcoming fears.
• letting words inspire art.
• beaches.
• sun-kissed skin.
• swimming & hiking.
• cooking with more vegetables & less sugar & gluten & in more exciting, creative, yet simple ways!!! woohoo!!!
• finishing felicity & chuck...finally!
• conversing with people i love, more.
• working to become better at what i do.
• feeling the days i am in.  therefore, smelling the nature world around me,  the coffee in the morning, the cool night air that seeps through the shudders, and the freshly laundered towels. listening to the wind chimes, the ducks quack, the birds sing, the lawnmower mow, the washing machine churn, my breath in my chest. tasting the food we make and slowing down to enjoy it.  trying new things.  thinking about what i read, and what i say.  giving myself time to decide.  listening to a song and knowing what it means.  writing what i feel and what is true and not what is contrived or forced.  not speeding to get somewhere but taking my time and enjoying the everyday scenery. letting penny sniff more grass instead of impatiently tugging her along, napping on the living room couch, doing nothing else while watching a movie, smile and not get irritated by the small things, those things that don't really matter anyway.  taking more pictures and being less critical for a variety of reasons.  simply being.  less doing.

on bravery...

                                            But I wonder what would happen if you
                                                        Say what you wanna say
                                                       And let the words fall out...

it's a rare instance when my brain isn't full of damning thoughts, when things feel serene, and i am clear headed enough to think on things in a logical fashion.

i find it difficult often times to freely offer my thoughts to another.

to a page in my journal, or a typed manuscript, it is much easier to let the words fall out.

and usually it seems i am brimming with thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are so achingly heavy, that long to be shared and unleashed beyond the page of a journal or a blog.

it's funny really.  i can go through such seasons of dryness and lack of inspiration.  sometimes i truly have no words to say. and the more they try to be pried out the clearer it becomes that they just aren't there.

then other times, i can be in a mess of emotions and not quite be able to distinguish one exact feeling. 

i am overwhelmed as of late, by a lot of different things.  there have been lots of job changing and shifting passions that have gone quietly to rest or come alive with new fervor.

there are relationships ending and relationships being cultivated.  it is an interesting place to be in this life of mine.  for, i feel...what's the word? i feel...like i am getting...well, in a word, brave. 

brave: adjective//feeling or showing no fear: not afraid.  example: he was a brave soldier.  she gave us a brave smile.

i feel brave in light of or maybe in spite of everything that's happening.  everything on a global scale to everything on a personal scale.  i wonder at times if it is something about the summer season.  something that brings a lightness to once heavy feelings.  a certain air that offers a sense of freedom and peace.  a desire to get back to basics and find balance.

whatever it is that i can chalk this new found sense of bravery up to, i am grateful.  bravery can inspire so much.  it can change so much.

i have something to say.  and i am not going to be afraid to say it.

honestly, i want to see you be brave.

moment of clarity.

i saw your name light up my cell phone at the bottom of my purse and my heart stopped.

my breath caught in my throat.

i quickly veered away from the crowd and rummaged around the book and the make-up bag, pushing all the other crap that i consistently carry around for no good reason, just to get to it...to you.

on the fourth ring i had answered.  and it was your voice.

my own voice so shaky as i tried to say hello and sound nonchalant.

did i?

you asked me how i was, and i said i was great.  but i didn't ask you.  because somehow i knew.

it didn't matter.  what you think and what i feel are so far from each other, i should have known.  i should have known all along.

you didn't want me.
not really, anyway.

you wanted only a piece.

you wanted to know if we could meet.

but for what? really?  what is it you want from me?

i am willing to give you more than a part.

but you won't take it.  you don't want it.  so why do you keep coming back for a piece?

it was in that moment, i realized.  i am done.  i am done taking your calls when you feel like calling.  i am done with you never taking mine. 

i am done.

i want to give more than a piece of me.  finally.  i really do.  and i don't want just a shadow of you, only a figment of something that is so much more.

i want all of you.

why do i always want, what i can't have?

if i can't have all of you, then i don't want any of you.

Out of Reach//A Book Review

Told through the eyes of Rachel, this story took me on a journey through the mostly unfamiliar beach cities I grew up around and vaguely introduced me to the world of meth. 

This story begins with a sister in search of her lost brother.  A brother who has chosen to be lost in some ways, and perhaps helplessly lost in other ways, into a world of drugs.  It turns out Micah, Rachel's older brother is most likely selling too and therefore is in way deeper than Rachel expected or fully understands.

Rachel cannot decide how she feels about her brother anymore.  There is the memory of a sweet Micah whom she grew up with.  Her flashbacks give us a glimpse of the typical good big brother.  That is to say, the kind of brother who looks out for his sister, and as they grow up, often treats her like a friend, with that special unspoken big brother pact, to always protect her.  Hence, beating up the jackass of an ex-boyfriend.

But the Micah, Rachel now knows is a Micah she thinks she might hate.  She is guilt ridden and trying to make peace with the fact that her brother is lost and maybe he cannot be found.  She is trying to maintain a place in her heartbroken family.  Rachel soon realizes as she searches for Micah, that maybe Micah doesn't want to be found, and maybe, in all reality, she doesn't want to find him either.  At least not this latter Micah.

She takes a short and seemingly simple trip with her brother's good friend and band mate Tyler.  Tyler also seems to be or rather become her unrealized crush.  Over the course of this road trip the two have been given the gift of time in close proximity to one another to realize their true feelings.

Overall, Out of Reach, is a worthwhile read.  I think it gives the reader the ending it deserves, rather than forcing something too contrived or seemingly perfect.  For its purposes Out of Reach gets real enough, without getting too real. 

making peace//striking a balance

i have spent a lot of my life not liking myself.  it's sort of heartbreaking when i really think about it.  and i had to really think about it when i had the opportunity to talk to a group of teenage girls about thinks like body image and relationships, etc.  i wasn't really sure if i had any wisdom to bring to the table.  frankly, girls that are 14-18 now are living in a very different world than i did at that age.  however, that isn't to say that any possibility of relating would be lost, it's just that my expectation going into this talk was that any wisdom, advice, and experience i had to share with them would be irrelevant to them.  because in many ways i live my life very differently than most women my age.  my thoughts on purity and modesty are rather extreme for many, but in reality, they are not all that extreme.  as for body image, where was i even to begin?  do i lie to them? or do i tell the painful truth? and then as i really began to ponder all of this "girl talk" i realized something significant. 

in the last few years, i've really begun to make peace with myself and my body.  and maybe in the past few months have i really begun to strike a balance that contributes to a healthier, more honest lifestyle in all respects.

the main thing i've been learning is to let go of being at odds with my body.  i could list a hundred plus things i dislike about my body, couldn't we all?  and yet, i find when i am regularly exercising and feeding my body with good things like greens, proteins, and other God given goodness, i like my body a lot more.  okay, maybe like is a strong word, but i more easily make peace with what i see when i am doing these "good" things.  but sometimes, doing good goes out the window, because i get busy or stressed or...and then i am unrelenting with my hatred towards my body and really myself, my whole person.  and it goes way beyond, the curves and cellulite.  it cuts right to the core of me.  why?  why do we do this to ourselves?  why is it when you're in line at the grocery store and you look at a magazine and you see...she lost a 100lbs and got her life back...30lbs in 30 days...how this actress changed her life by dropping weight...why do we put all of our value in how our bodies look? 

don't get me wrong, there is a deep correlation with bodily health and self confidence.  but it is not the end all or be all of it.  in many ways, we each have to decide for ourselves what defines our core values.  for some women, it will always be their weight, jean size, and overall look that defines their core value.  and that is sad.  it is sad that something so petty, meaningless, and changing, can define for them their beauty and significance.  we discussed this in our "girl talk".  the amazing thing is...these 14-18 year old girls of all shapes and sizes, of all different looks, seemed to get that. their value comes from something, from Someone so much bigger than this fat/skinny talk.

the thing i wanted these girls to get...what i want to get...is that cliché truth that we are more than our looks, that it is what's on the inside that counts, is in fact just so true.

guys and jean size cannot determine our value.

only One can.

only One does.

this is our starting place.  that's the decision we made.  when we get up each morning, when we look in the mirror each day, when terrible thoughts creep in and horrible feelings attempt to take over...take every thought captive...speak truth into the lies...only One can determine my value, my beauty, my self and He is truth, love, and good.  He is all things lovely, all things wonderful, and therefore, so am i.

beyond this beginning, learning to walk in the truth, it soon became about striking a balance in this whole intake of the world, what i eat, and how i function day to day.  we talked about this as the main factors in how we feel about ourselves at any given moment.

we desperately need to begin our days with truth.  we need to saturate ourselves in God's love and truth.  and as we press on from there, i strive to continue on my day with prayer and a conscious awareness of God's love and what He wants to speak to me, show me, have me do....

beyond that i'm beginning to discover what works for me, what lifestyle changes i need to make, and how i can live my day to day life feeling healthy and better about my self and therefore my body.

for me, that's staying away from gluten as much as possible.  it seems like a fad now, but truly there is so much research that shows that most of us have some sort of gluten intolerance if not more severe allergies.  i feel better when i don't eat gluten.  everything works better, and somehow i look better.

saying no to sugar is part 2. and definitely the hardest.  i'm addicted to anything with the quick hype sugar gives.  but in the long run i feel better when my sugar intake is next to nada.  saying no to soda, chocolate, and sugar in my coffee is the first steps to curbing this desire for me.

daily exercise has been a priority for me for the last five years...now it's about upping the ante a little.

mainly, i just want to lead an honest life.  i want to eat clean, i want to live clean.  that covers everything from the products i buy, the food i eat, to the thoughts i think.  lots of books have served to inspire these new and revived efforts.

Specifically...

The Honest Life by Jessica Alba
Gluten-Free Girl Everyday by Shauna James Ahern
Wheat Belly by William Davis M.D.

and a host of blogs that advocate healthy gluten free eating and healthy whole living.

my thoughts do not end here on these matters, but this is where i stand today.  my heart and prayer really goes out to the ladies.  not to say that men do not struggle with these issues.  but it is definitely different between the sexes.  i look forward to seeing how we grow as we embrace the truth and attempt to live it out!

twenty-nine//aspirations and inspirations

29.

I am not a big birthday person.  I don't like a lot of undue attention, nor do I feel that the simple act of turning a year older requires special celebration.  It is nice to be noticed and appreciated by those that love you and are glad you are a part of their lives, but beyond that, there is no need to add on to what is just a regular day for most others.  What birthdays are to me, are a more reflective kind of day. Birthdays are an occasion for me to mark growth and progress.  It is an ideal time to reflect on the year before, and plan for the one ahead...much like new years, except this one is personal, just for me.

It's hard to believe I've been here twenty-nine years.  Twenty-nine years old beginning this morning at 8:16am.  I don't really have much of a thoughtful reflection on twenty-eight to offer up at this moment.  Perhaps that shall come later.  Like with any year of life, twenty eight held its good and bad.  Twenty-eight taught me patience and joy.  It seems to me, for the first time, I felt life with both of my hands.  I learned how to carry joy and sorrow and hope and disappointment together, rather than forcing one to win over the other.  

I am endlessly grateful that twenty-eight brought me a job that has really served to launch my career.  And finally, after years of praying, laying all my hopes out before the Lord, and enduring many heartaches...just a few moments before my age officially transforms into a new number, I learn that this job of mine, this passion, this ministry will soon unfold into something bigger and better.

Praise God.

When I look at twenty-nine, I see a year of building my career, and gaining solid footing as a teacher, and more importantly helping in developing a successful International program for our school.

Beyond my career, I am looking for twenty nine to be the year I really begin to participate in life.  Up until now, almost this very moment, it seems my adult life has always been defined by many roles.  It was always either two part time jobs, or part time jobs and school, school and internships, etc.  Now, finally, I just have the one job.

Having only one job to focus on, in some ways gives me the luxury of time.  Time to...

say "Yes."  Just say yes.

I've spent so many years saying "no."  "No, I have to study."  "No, I can't, I have to work."   "No I shouldn't, it's my first night off in two weeks, and..."  Can I finally say, "Yes!"?  Yes, I can.  "Yes, let's see that movie tonight."  "Yes, I can go to church tomorrow morning."  "Yes, lets get away for the weekend."  "Yes!"

I'm inspired.

I have a summer vacation.  I have nights and weekends off, and I am feeling inspired.  I have space in my life, to sit down and write.  I have time on my calendar, to paint and create.  I am feeling inspired.

Finding my place.

I can finally be that person who can attend church regularly.  I can join a book club, I can take a photography class, and spend Saturday mornings perusing bookshops.  I can date.  I mean, really date.  I can be open.

My friends and family are of utmost importance.  I want to invest more of myself into them.
I can cook dinners any night I want.  I want to cook and bake, and bless others as a result.
On a daily basis, I want to feel hydrated, well rested, balanced, stretched and loose.
I want my life to be more purposely devoted to pursuing God, His Love, and His Truth.

I don't want to be at odds with myself anymore.  For someone who is extremely self critical, this might be the most difficult aspiration for twenty-nine.  Oh, but what a celebration thirty would be if I could truly overcome these battles of words and wills I have with me.
 
I think one of the most important relationships we have are the ones we have with ourselves.  I want to consistently get better.  I want to maintain positivity no matter my circumstances.  I want to learn to love myself better, so that I can love others better as a result.

We keep stressing a certain scripture at school, as we try to instruct the entire body, in how to love one another better.  I'll be honest, I often forsake this verse when reading this passage of scripture.  I tend to gloss over it as one of those verses I've heard so many times, so I must get it by now.

"Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. ³⁰ And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’³¹ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these."

The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.  So I guess to sum up, I want 29 to be the year, I learn to love God with all my heart, love myself better, and therefore, love others better.

Z.

"I don't want to live.  I want to love first, and live incidentally." -Zelda Fitzgerald.

With The Great Gatsby premier just around the corner, I am finding myself smitten with all things Fitzgerald (Zelda and F. Scott) and Gatsby alike.

I'm loving this Gatsby inspired spread of Carey Mulligan in this month's Vogue.

I added this book to my April reading list.

There is just something so potent about this tale.

on being a grown-up//on being a lady.

"My life isn't theories and formula.  It's part instinct, part common sense.  Logic is a good word as any, and I've absorbed what logic I have from everything and everyone...from my mother, from training as a ballet dancer, from Vogue magazine, from the laws of life and health and nature."

-Audrey Hepburn



how do you know when you've crossed the threshold from youth to adulthood? i mean, really crossed the threshold.  there are very few twenty-one year olds out there that i consider to be full fledged adults.  and yet as a society we often stretch back as far as eighteen years old and call that the beginning of adulthood. crazy! looking back on my life, i can only think of myself as a child then.

even now, as an almost twenty-nine year old, i still find myself saying..."when i grow up i am going to..." i think there is a value in having that mindset.  hopefully, such a statement casually slipping out from time to time is no reflection on my maturity.  yet, you see, i find this sort of thinking keeps me humble, keeps me from thinking i have it all figured out.  funny, how i thought it all figured out at 18. 

truthfully i am more than okay with not having everything figured out, or everything on that "ideal" list inside my head of what being a grown-up entailed.  i don't much care for the fancy shmancy little girl dreams of adulthood anymore.  i am finding that i am quite content with many parts of my grown-up life, but sometimes when i look at the lives happening around me i cannot help but feel i am missing something.  it is almost as if i am not quite there.  but really, i don't think i can fully explain what there looks like. 

maybe for everyone, being a grown-up looks a shade different.  we are all unique.  therefore, we cannot all play by the same rules.  while i navigate this somewhat new terrain of adulthood, of becoming a lady, i strive to keep as much of my true self into my adult self.  i never want to conform to what i think i should be simply because someone else is.  i want to stay who i am and become what is true to me.  knowing things i like and doing them, never doing it to impress someone else.

i like driving around town in my truck, with a dog in the passenger side, and a bike in the back in case the mood strikes for some beach cruising. 

i'd of course love to have a bank account with funds enough for everything...but right now that is not a reality. 

i would love to be a world traveler, and devote my days to writing and creating.  i often find i long for this more than i do the family and stable career thing. sometimes i'd rather lock myself in and create something artistic, with words.  and more often than not these endeavors feel as special as friends.

i much enjoy spending time perusing book shops and reading in a park.

and as for that husband and children thing...sigh.  it can't help but feel like there is a countdown going on.  it feels like as everyone else passes those milestones it's just another reminder that i am still without.  in my own head, apart from what everyone else says, for the most part, it is almost always ok to be without.  go through a few heartbreaks and i'm set on never settling.  and truly, right now, those can be definite down the road things.  in fact, the children part can be a way, way, down the road thing. but for some reason, not having those things, can feel like i am missing a crucial piece of adulthood.

and as for having a place of my own.  that too shall come. in the meantime, sharing a place, well, it will do.

as i reflected on my childlike view of adulthood, i realized there is so much more to being a grown-up than what i ever thought.  i think as i grow into a grown-up, i learn more and more about what is important in being an adult, rather than having as an adult.

while i still learn the balance between the world of adult freedom and adult responsibility,  i am too learning the kind of grown-up i am.  and apart from all the must-haves, this is what i think i know so far...

a grown-up lady who:

• basks in the loveliness of her sex. (dresses, perfumes, color, allowing a man to be a man.)
• knows her flaws, accepts them, and lives beyond them.
• opens her home to guests and knows that flower arrangements and baking from scratch are her fortes, while cooking and keeping a neat and tidy environment are not.
• practices kindness in all circumstances. this grown-up lady won't hit back with rudeness even if rudeness feels do.  she may not always keep her middle finger down when another driver cuts her off, but she will strive not to get into petty arguments that only serve to prove immaturity and ignorance.
• reads widely and voraciously.  (a well read lady knows no limits.)
• knows that relaxing is part of living, and that will do good towards herself and to those she loves.
• lavishes love on lots of animals.
• no matter how much hurt she must endure, she must never ever grow a bitter heart. though mild bouts of bitterness are a given, and a lady's prerogative.
• no matter how busy she gets, she never ever misses a sunset, an opportunity to get away to hear the ocean sing, or to celebrate something or someone special, no matter the occasion.
• is confident in her own desicion making.  she consults the advice of good friends, but no one can sway her from what her gut tells her.
• takes care of herself.  she eats healthy and regularly excercises, but she doesn't forget to enjoy the delights she loves on a regular basis.
• is a good friend, in singleness and in marriage, through parenthood, and those busy career building years.
• stays informed with what's going on in the world around her.
• always wears a smile...a smile can heal a hundred ills.
• maintains the respect of others.
• can have a myriad of acquaintances, but only a few "inner circle" kind of friends.
• knows that comfort is crucial, and that there is always an occasion for glamour.
• is confident traversing the city alone or journeying with a posse.
• drinks coffee in the morning, tea in the evening, and never is drunk...maybe a bit tipsy upon occasion.
• saves her money, but knows when to spend it.
• always sees the bigger picture of life, knowing Who is in control, and that she is not.
• has a lot of fun.

my date with john corbett.

i had a dream that i went on a date with john corbett.

what is strange about such a seemingly random dream is what i gleaned from it so profoundly encouraged me that it felt like a necessity to document it, so that i would remember it, and come back to this dream for hope when i am feeling sad and discouraged.

as a woman of almost 29, in many ways i still feel like a girl.  i mean girl in the most sincere sense. i mean it in that way that i still hold onto the idealistic and perhaps naive dreams of my younger self. while there is a definite difference between 28 year old me and 15 year old me and even 5 year old me, i still remember all of these girls in the most real way.  in fact on most days i miss aspects of each version of me. granted i spent many years hating the younger me.  she was never good enough.  she should have been smarter, prettier, thinner, more popular, and more successful.  but the younger version of me has something that i do not.  she had a certain innocence.  she looked at the world and the men around her with a much less jaded eye, a much less corrupted by the world and its ways sort of outlook.  she lived her life in a much more "in tune with herself and God" kind of way.

it's weird being a single almost 29 year old woman.  because now i live in a world in which most of my peers are not single. my serious relationship experience was one of the biggest let downs of my life, and because of that i find myself often doubting the seemingly good intentions of most men.  maybe this is because the history of my romances follow a similar pattern. perhaps this is because most of my dates have been a bit weird, dull, or just downright boring.  perhaps this is because i chased after the wrong guy for so long and got hurt so deeply that it was hard for me to really put myself out there after that.  i hate using those "dating" phrases and cliches.  but there is some truth in them.  i think what has often sabotaged my dating attempts is my very own deep rooted fear of being seen and heard.  i mean, really seen and heard. i think i try to hide myself until i feel like it is safe to come out...and it seems that we never really get there.  or at least no man has been willing to give the time to get there.

and that's okay, because here's another cliche...maybe i just haven't met the one yet.  and honestly i am not a firm believer in the one.  i think there are lots of ones out there for me, i just haven't met any of them yet.  but i do believe they exist even if i never see them.  and believe me, i am not one of those girls, ahem women, who have this grand illusion about their fella.  i fully expect a flawed individual.  i in no way hope for a man to meet my needs and desires the way i think they should be met.  i trust that he will do his best, and i will be happy with that...because i already know and accept that there isn't a man who will "complete" me.  there isn't another half out there to make me whole.  i know this.  i know i will still feel empty when i am married to a good man.  i know i will have lonely days.  i will be sad, and he won't be able to solve the sadness.  he might make me laugh, his embrace will surely bring comfort, but let's face it...no human being can truly meet those deep core needs and desires we have on a continual basis.  so let's just call that what it is.

but back to the point of this post (geez louise, i sure know how to run around in circles).  my date, or dream rather.  we never got to the date part in my dream...you know, the actual sitting down to dinner, or doing whatever it is that defines a proper date.  we just knew we were on a date.  what is funny about john corbett being cast in my dream is that if i correctly remember everything i've seen john corbett in, with a few exceptions, is he always plays a genuinely good, not over the top romantic and mushy kind of guy.  in fact, in the opinion of many girls, he probably doesn't do enough to win the affections of the women he woos.  he's pretty simple.  i think of my big fat greek wedding and remember the total normalness of how his relationship evolved with toula.  no grand romantic gestures, or great feats to sway her father, just a simple attraction that grew to a greater affection and lifelong commitment.  the same is true when he played pastor dan in raising helen.  just a simple guy doing simple things treating a lady respectfully and sweetly.  he's a faithful and caring husband and father to a wife with multiple personalities, and some confused and angry teenagers in the united states of tara, and he is a sweet, fun, and loving father and husband in ramona and beezus.  now, i am choosing to leave out a few other examples, but all that to say, i see why he was the man in this particular dream.  i don't have a real life example of such a man except for my own father and i know him well enough to know it's not always true.

the only things i can really call to memory from this dream was walking next to him down a road, and sitting next to him as we drove in an oldsmobile car with a front bench seat, which left little space between us.  he is a man of towering height which immediately puts me at ease.  he complimented my beauty.  he laughed, and he made me laugh.  he was gentle, and gentlemanly. he opened the door.  he stepped aside and let me walk ahead when the path got narrow.  he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me towards his car.  softly enough that it didn't feel too intimate for relative strangers.  he talked enough that i learned about him and he paved a comfortable way for me to speak.  i felt safe with a good man.  and i realized upon awaking is that is all i want.  that is really all i am looking for.  safe and comfortable.  to feel like a lady.  to be respected, and to laugh a lot.  i don't expect or really want big romantic gestures. i don't think someone is going to fall madly in love with me and say that he cannot live without me.  i don't want that...and don't think i will ever feel that way about someone.  but i can vow to choose to love someone for the rest of my life.  i can say that i will care for that man in sickness and in health until death parts us.  i do want to make the promise to care for someone else the way i care about myself.  i feel capable of making such a promise before God to this one man someday, who maybe, hopefully resembles the john corbett of my dream (towering height included.)