an experiment in output.

i'm the type of person who constantly and consistently seeks input.  i seek wisdom from dear friends, words from lovely books, encouragement from gatherings, hope from songs, light from the day, grace in the night, and love in all moments of conscious awareness.

i like being poured into.  i want to receive as much as i can in and through everything i do and everyone i meet.

i also like to hide.  maybe it is more a preference of going unnoticed.  or maybe it's just being used to that fact, and finding more comfort in a life in which i walk along quietly.  if someone takes the time to take notice of me, i often find it more disconcerting than comforting.  i will allow them the way to let themselves be known, but i will hold back.  i will wait and see. i won't lay out the inner most parts of me.  i will hold them tight and keep them close, and then wait and see.

because it is the output that is not my thing.  as an introverted soul, spirit and person, i find it very strange and unsettling to pour myself out.  i forge relationships slowly.  i make friends little by little.  i even keep most of my words and thoughts to myself, sometimes not having the energy to let them flow across the pages of my journal or this blog.

and yet, i keep feeling this deep need, as contrary as it is to my whole self, to give more of myself, more of my heart, more of my words, to the places and people in my life.  this need for output is not really something that i desire, but something that i feel i need to do, that i am even so far as called to do.

so i am beginning an experiment in output.  for me, as always, that means a slow but sure process. and moreover it means several different things.  for starters it means sharing more of myself, my true self, my raw and real heart, with the people i am surrounded with.  at this point in my life, those people are my family (parents, grandma...), my bible study group, my friends (changing as they are), my fellow teachers, my students, and those new ones that come across my path.  these are my people right now.  these are the people i can't really try and hide from.  they are in my daily or weekly life and these are the people that in some way or another are all my family.

my usual is to hold everyone at arm's length.  that is with great intention on my part.  i let people in as i see fit.  and when it starts to feel dangerous or unsafe it is easy to cut off or shut off or whatever it is i need to do in order to protect my heart and my sensitive, emotional, deep feeling spirit.  it really makes this whole output thing rather difficult.  i am wildly sensitive.  when i come across sensitive souls i feel that they are comrades with me in this life, ones who understand the provocations and dangers to the feeler.  they are many and they make it hard to invest in an experiment in output.  and yet, i cannot ignore the call.  the call to give more.  this call i must answer.

i cannot really further articulate what it is, this experiment in output will look like.  it is only something i can really figure as i go through it step by step.  i have an inkling of an idea of where to begin.  i have a deeper thought of where it all might end up, but how i get there is and will be a day to day experiment.

grace.

"Life is like a rainbow.  You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear."

i wake up to the ringing bell of my alarm clock.  i roll over, with a sigh, knowing how desperate i am for more sleep.  but alas, i must get up so as not to be late.  upon waking, i slowly shuffle my way to the bathroom, to wash my face and brush my teeth. i am one of those who brush their teeth before breakfast. it is only then that i begin to feel more alive and awake.  i rummage through the closet, mixing and matching tops and skirts, tights and sweaters.  i toss the prospective outfit across an unmade bed, and meander down the hallway to the kitchen, a puppy at my heels. 

an open window on this humid morning gives me a clue to how hot this day will be.  but i can already feel the beginnings of autumn setting in.  a fresh beginning on the horizon.  the air begins to feel cleaner, my soul feels more at rest, i breathe deeper.

with a cup of coffee in hand, i gather pen and paper and my Bible.  i need this.  these moments, no matter how early in the day it is, are essential.  i need the quiet.  i need to hear from Him.  i need.

this early morning grace.  this before the day progresses into busyness, i need this place of just me and Him.  i need to carry it through the day with me.  i want to hear from Him beyond these moments. i want to be reminded to look to Him outside of this planned time together.  i need Him at all moments in my day.  creating this time and space reminds me of this.  His Grace. 

and as i moved on with my day, packing up my car, driving out of the neighborhood, i look up, across the street at the church building i love so dearly and i see a rainbow.  a glorious wonderful rainbow.  and i am reminded yet again of His Grace.

moment by moment, grace.