"however, dark and scary the world might be right now...there will be a light."
and in many ways, jim gordon brings that light into a world of chaotic and confusing darkness because he fights, against all odds, he fights without giving up. he does grow discouraged, he does get hurt, and he encounters more evil during one hour than most do. but he does not give up on goodness and its possibilities. and fictional as it may be, right now, somehow, it ministers to my heart.
because right now is a strange season of life. it is a time in which i feel like a stranger to myself. it is a time where i don't really feel like me or the woman i thought i was.
i hate that a few months and a few moments have caused me to think and to see through such a lens of negativity. it has broken my spirit down and it has allowed the roots of bitterness to form deep inside of me, and as they grew, i remained oblivious until they began to spew out their ugly venom of frustration, long buried hurt, and simmering anger.
it has happened before. and it is happening again. bitter roots are dangerous. and i find when they seem to so suddenly appear, i soon realize just how long they've been growing, and how i have been feeding them myself and how i've let others feed into them.
it's hideous and disappointing. because i want to be different. i want to be set apart. i long to live holy and pleasing to my God. and i forget that is impossible on my own, and that it is never easy or even natural amidst an all out pursuit of Him.
because when i get to where i am now, and maybe where i've been headed for over a year or so, i see that everything is broken and/or tragically messed up. and yes, we can chalk it up to human nature, and the evil forces that be and the fact that our world in general is an extremely broken system. but because i am still here, because i have today, and this moment, with whatever it holds, i have to have faith that there is still beauty to behold and that goodness, loveliness, pureness, kindness, hopefulness, dreams, glory, honor, servanthood, dedication, sacrifice, love...that all of it, it still exists and it is still pursued, and sought after and desired.
it's seems terribly unlikely when i turn on the television, when i look to the left and then to the right. and even when i look in the mirror, at times i don't see it.
but i do ( i have to) believe that the beautiful is still possible, that when we look deeply enough beyond the darkness we will find it. i know i see it when i gaze deeply into the eyes and words and heart of my Lord. i know it is there. and i find when i spend my time fostering that intimacy, the bitterness is broken down. more and more it is mended and then all together healed. for there are bitter pieces that at once ruled my mind and heart that are now a distant and indistinct memory. so with that, i know that this too shall pass. but in these days, in these moments, i find it more challenging, because it feels so all encompassing rather than just a compartment of time and space.
so, for today, as it seems to be all over the place, in all the nooks and crannies, i boldly ask my God for hope and faith to see beyond. i ask my Father in heaven, the lover of my soul, for eyes to see like He does, for a heart like His that loves and moves beyond the actions and intents of humanity. i pray for the pure and undefiled believing heart i once had, where dreams and reality felt like two things that could merge instead of two very separate roads.
and so, as the evening sets in, and the sun goes down, and i breathe in and breathe out, i lift my eyes up and i whisper the words quietly, but so they can be heard. heard by Him, heard by me, heard by whoever is in earshot. "there will be a light."
rather...
"there is light."
here and now.
light to guide, light to penetrate the dark and bitter places, light to show truth, and light to reveal darkness where it tries to break through.
