antifogmatic! beyond excited about this one :)

loved with an everlasting love.

I am certain I do not fully understand...but that's okay.
This year, thus far, has been one big battle.  My friend reminds me everyday that we are warriors and warriors never get a moment off.  This is true, warriors are always at work, but luckily for me, I have the God of the Universe on my side and He is working too, beyond whatever I could ask or imagine.

He is helping me let go of anger and fear.  Honestly, this is a miracle.  I am so attached to these emotions, so much so that they have truly defined who I've been lately.   Graciously, in the last few days, I have been and am currently really beginning to feeling freedom from these binding emotions.  I did not necessarily choose, and definitely did not create this freedom, but I feel as though I have been able to let go a little bit, to see with new eyes the One who made me, and the ones around me.  I am finally able to see apart from anger and fear, and to see God and others in and with love. I fear a lot of the time that God is extremely disappointed in me. I tell myself consistently that He is really angry with me and would rather have nothing to do with me at all.  After all I fail all the time.  I am consistently losing my temper, and saying things, terrible things, things that I thought could/would never come from my mouth.  I felt things I never thought I could/would feel, and am ashamed to even speak of.
I had never felt so alienated from Him and everyone else.
But there is the glorious and majestic work of His Hands that surround me and tell me something different than what I feel.
I look at creation, the ocean, the flowers, a sunset, the birds in the air, and I see Him.  I see His love.  I see His gentleness, and I am blown away and mesmerized by this God who pretty much contradicts all my notions  that He is angry and bitter towards me.  I can't see the things that I see, and feel the things that I feel, when I look at Him, and still think He wants to put a boot to my ass and yell and scream at me when I mess up.  I need Him too much.  I want him too much to go on living in a way in which I can so easily become alienated and run and hide from Him.
There are people out there that cannot be defined as terrible.  There are people out there who love, and are patient, and speak kindness and truth, no matter how shitty I am, and can be.

I would hope and pray that no one else feels this way, this alienation, this pain, this fear and anger, or whatever other hurts and wounds we may carry, but I know it isn't true.  I know we are all enduring these heavy burdens and pains, and some of us never can shake them.  I really believe this aches the heart of the Lord more than I can ever know.

He loves you, and He loves me soooooooo much.  I do not understand.  I cannot comprehend.  But I trust it. I do.  And I hope you do too.  I hope that no pain, affliction, or negative emotion can keep us so bound that we are blind to anything good.  Freedom is what I pray for.  For you...and for me.

remember this.

"Lord you made me laugh even when i felt like crying, Lord you made me sing, even when my heart was achin', when i needed love, when i needed peace, when i needed understanding, Lord i found you there."

i've moved past tears, i've progressed through rage, and i am finally calm.  i kept telling myself over and over, jennifer, remember this feeling.  you don't want to feel like this ever again.  ever.

but, to not feel like this ever again, probably equates with hiding under a rock for the rest of my life.  no, don't want that.  well....no, don't want that.

ugh. i hate this.  i really do.  i hate being so vague, but i cannot even put it to words right now.  i will go to sleep and i will wake up tomorrow morning, and i won't feel this way anymore, and hopefully i can gain a fresh perspective on it all and move on joyously.

and on that note, tomorrow's easter...the day in which we celebrate the life and resurrection of Jesus.  Praise be to a gracious and loving God who offers me so much more than i ever deserved.

catching the prayer wave...part 2

a year ago almost to the day, i caught my first prayer wave.  i remember that evening vividly even though it could be noted that nothing too remarkable happened.  but in all reality, something remarkable did happen in my heart. to refresh my memory i read my blog post from last year's prayer wave.  God moves in mysterious, creative, calm, vibrant, still, and loud ways.  I really cannot do justice in describing anything the Lord does, but He always impresses, surprises, delights, and touches me in deep meaningful ways, that again I can usually never adequately put into words.

i walked around my neighborhood in a spirit of contemplation and prayer, trying to be open, and let God stir my thoughts to where, who, what, He wanted me to pray for.  this time around i experienced this overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss.  i can't even quite touch, even now, what the feelings were all about.  i felt distant.  there were about twenty-three different things on my mind.  but towards the end of my walk i came to the same conclusion i did last year.  people are hurting and people are lost.  more than anything people need love.

In John 13, Jesus says, "a new commandment i give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

This is a really simple and explicit command.  love. love is how the world will know followers of Jesus.  I think on this and I conclude that everything is really simple. but then i wonder how do we, how can we, show others they are loved?  what does love look like in real life? we celebrate, commemorate, reflect on the ultimate demonstration in love this weekend.  the ultimate demonstration of love was the sacrifice of a precious extraordinary life.   i've experienced the ultimate love. now then how do i live love? how do i even begin to demonstrate the ultimate love to others?