a wholehearted reflection//2014

i miss video stores.  i've been thinking about this a lot lately.  i miss the days of walking into a blockbuster, video discount, or hollywood video and renting a movie.  there was so much enjoyment that held for me.  it was always the last stop on a day of errands, or i'd swing in after a late class, or a long shift and i would linger.

i remember the smells vividly, like a mix of burnt popcorn, cardboard and metal.  it was an odd mix of aromas and while not totally pleasant, i found it was soothing in a way.

i would walk down the aisles, perusing movie titles and reading the backs of rental cases that i found particularly intriguing.  i would seek out movies that weren't based on friend's recommendations, or critic's commentaries, but wholly based on simply what my eyes were drawn to.  a man standing under bright moonlight in the middle of a baseball field...a woman's tortured expression amidst darkness and a sinister gentleman standing off in the distance, a man's proud smile gazing towards a pensive child sitting at a desk...it was the images that told me i wanted to know these characters and their stories.  i would often ignore the titles and allow the people and the settings to speak for themselves.

by the time i'd get to the last aisle i would have 6 or 7 dvd's in tow and then be faced with the great task of narrowing down a solid selection to one or two to watch that evening.  once i decided i would return the other titles to their rightful place and hopefully i would come upon them on the next visit.  i never wrote anything down or made lists.  i just wanted my heart to guide the choosing.  and more often than not, i would be pleasantly surprised.  sometimes i watched stories unfold that got completely under my skin.  and those became the stories i would own to watch again and share with others.

i spent years collecting these experiences.  mostly in solitude.  on occasion i would share this with someone, but i found that most people aren't as open in their movie watching experiences.  they have to know someone, or find out what someone else thought, or be guaranteed two hours of jam packed action and thrills to actually fork over the $2 or so dollars to rent something.

but i liked the surprise element.  i liked that this was one aspect of my life i could leave to chance. the consequences were nothing other than a less than thrilling hour or two.

but i think that this is what life needs.  life demands a little more openness to new experiences and a little less judgment based on a solitary perspective.   for me, living a year wholeheartedly meant being open to pursuing things unabashedly, unashamed of the passion that i felt.

last night i fell asleep with the rushing of rain hitting against my window.  i let myself lay in silence (which is rare) but i am finding more and more necessary.  i stayed awake well into my regular sleeping hours and i allowed myself to think on my day, on the stirrings in my heart, and the people down the hall and across town, and in the cities just north of here, and those that are states away.  and i let myself feel the longings for those whom i missed, for the way that relationships change over the passing of years, and the heavy pangs that sometimes press in for those that are now gone.

sometimes these pains, these longings, and even this fullness of heart demands to be felt.  sometimes i may just decide they need to be noticed and given attention.  i cannot and will not let years, months, even days go by without noticing, without giving reverence to what my heart is saying.

i miss riding the f train into manhattan and exploring the magic of the city i so longed for many years to live in and see.  that city and its culture catapults my thoughts into dreams.  it still holds something for me.  i don't know if it is a life or just another visit.  i am trying to listen to my heart on that one and not be hindered by the cliche of such a dream.  it takes sitting with it, sharing it, and praying it to begin to know what to do with it and whether it calls for a wholehearted pursuit.

dating was precarious at best. i was risky and took some chances which only seemed to lead down a path of hurt.  dating as a full-grown adult is quite a slippery road to walk down and at times even a perilous experience, especially when one is trying to do all things wholeheartedly.  what i do know is when i finally meet the man i choose to spend the rest of my life with it will mean so much more for every holiday photo taken alone, it will mean more for all the years when i learned to do things on my own, it will mean more for the life i've learned to maneuver on my own.  for the many times i've thought i am too far gone to allow space and room for another...it will mean so much more.

2014 was a year that required faith and asking big questions about that faith and church.  2014 meant realizing that life requires more than just wholehearted attempts to give my all to everything i did.  2014 was about walking with friends as they entered into motherhood, standing with friends on their wedding day, praying and crying and laughing with friends facing infertility and cancer diagnoses.  2014 was the year i realized that relationships aren't built overnight.  i realized that while community is an authentic God-given desire, cultivating one is almost impossible.  i thought, perhaps in vain, if i just loved and gave of myself wholeheartedly it would be enough, but truly it never was.  that isn't to say it wasn't worthwhile or without its meaning...it just wasn't everything i though it was going to be.  but that is life isn't it?

disappointment is a part of it all.  it always is when we have expectations.

but in spite of that, i enjoyed so much of this year.  life was a mixed bag of experiences and events.  it was the year of new restaurants, great books, reunion concerts, having your tweet favorited by a celebrity, grocery store pick-up lines, puppy dates, discovering the good wife and it becoming an obsession, deciding on a second tattoo, battling worry and fear in a hardcore way, hugging brett eldredge, paying off a student loan, sharing the most vulnerable parts of my heart with some unexpected people and learning to accept the both/and aspects of life and what is gracefully and joyfully.

this was the year i will look back on as truly bittersweet.
as the calendar turns and tomorrow begins a new chapter, i feel not quite ready to shut the door on 2014.  i believe so much of what was learned and experienced this year are necessary to hold onto and carry with me a little closer. it sometimes feels as though i am on the cusp of a great self-revelation.  so i am holding tighter than i usually do.  perhaps what i've learned and experienced will directly impact what 2015 holds. 

and so i await with great anticipation what the turn of the calendar has in store for all of us.

christmas//through the lens of courage

there are certain words and phrases that quickly come to mind when thinking of the christmas season and its story.

hope, joy, love, peace, merry, good will towards men...

all of which are true and beautiful.

though i think we get stuck on those words (i know i do) and fail to realize the many other aspects, words, and phrases that encompass and define this miraculous story.

this year i've been encouraged to see christmas through a new lens. what i often miss or fail to give proper thought and reflection to joseph's side of the story.  and what i found as i read through it was that it really presents Christmas to us through the lens of courage.  

for joseph courage first looked like this: 

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared

to him in a dream and said “Joseph son of David, do not be

afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived

in her is from the Holy Spirit.  She will give birth to a son, and you

are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people

from their sins.”-Matthew 1:20–21

joseph was not unafraid, but rather walked into the fear with faith.

as the story progresses we watch joseph time and time again pick himself up, take up his family and walk forward with courage, letting God handle the outcomes.  

i think the angel appearing to joseph is often overlooked but is not without its grand importance in the unfolding story of Jesus coming to earth.  the angel stopped joseph from making a decision that could have had severe negative effects.  and it wasn't like the angel forced joseph into action with his magical powers.  joseph made a choice.  a courageous choice.  he was a righteous man, but he showed himself to be much like me and much like you.  he felt fear, but he was a person who chose to trust.  

and what comes in part as a result of joseph's courage is the story that transcends 2,000 years and is still changing lives and impacting hearts to this very day.  

today we celebrate.  and i am thankful for the reason in which we can gather together with friends and families and share gifts with one another.  may it's true reason not be lost in our hearts this day.   

this song has been on repeat for me this christmas season.  this year it reminds me of why the courage that we see in the christmas story is possible for each of us.  and i am thankful that christmas and all that it holds inspires courage.

Only to bring you peace,
Only at Christmas time,
Only the King of Kings,
Only what once was mine,
It takes the end of time,
It takes a long, long time,
Only one thought of mine,
Only at Christmas time.
He brings us peace,
He brings us joy,
He brings all thoughts to destroy,
Only at Christmas time,
To bring us peace,
To bring us joy,
To bring all thoughts to destroy,
Only at Christmas time.
Only at Christmas time,
Only a dream to cry,
Only at Christmas time,
If you can read the sign,
Only at Christmas time,
Everything lost will be found,
Only at Christmas time,
Only at Christmas time

on 30//my currency

"if you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be.  i decided early on it wasn't going to be my looks...my currency became what i wrote and said and did."//amy poehler

1) i've learned that writing is hard.  it's much harder than i thought, and definitely not for the reasons i previously thought.  it's hard to be okay with, as anne lamott so eloquently put, "writing shitty first drafts".  creating a novel is one of the most challenging processes, especially when one wants to write without pretension. if anything, this process has taught me to write without over-thinking. i'm trying to write what i remember for exactly what it was, not a romanticized idealization of what was.  i know now that i want to write what is real.  st. augustine said truth is like a lion, not something you need to defend, let it loose and it shall defend itself.  and so, i will be most earnest to write and speak truth. with love.  hopefully, always with love.  beyond that, or perhaps encompassing all of that, i am accepting that writing is really a rather ineffable thing.  steinbeck said we should write to and for our readers.  otherwise, what interest will they have in what we read and say.  but really, right now, i only write for myself. and i continue to be good with that. i will take the encouragements and truths from those writers i admire and i will implement them into my own practice, because that makes me better.

2) in spite of a love for writing i can recognize that my strength really isn't found in my words.  i'm learning that words are limiting.  they often do not convey the sentiments and emotions i so longingly wish to express.  it comes out a little better in writing, but hardly ever is my strength in unplanned spoken words.  sometimes, though written words have come out well enough to be considered a strength, but it is certainly not a reliable strong point.  so even though, i sometimes wish words and writing were my currency, i would not claim that they are.  and this too, i can accept.

3) my currency is not found in beauty or charm, or even kindness or compassion...because those are at best unreliable, popping up without any will on my part, but rather by grace, prayers and grand efforts.  and some days, let's face it, these things just won't happen.

4) if anything, i am learning/have learned (and am again accepting) that my currency varies.  on different days and different moments i feel like this is it.  it presents itself, and i think, oh, here it is, i'm ticking and beating and it is vibrant and dynamic,  but it is often ever so slippery and gone in an instant. and this is okay.  so when asked, what is my currency? i can be vague and say that it is many things, and for today it is...

5) it's true what they say, the older you get, the less (you realize) you actually know. this world is an immensely competitive place and growing up is such a mysterious process.  it's not always easy to recognize when growth happens and how.  thirty has shed more light on that which is truly important and those things that just really don't matter.  and what it all boils down to is this.  30 has made me realize i cannot and never will i be...perfect.  another way of making this all the more clear to myself is the every day reminder that i can control so very little in my life, and absolutely nothing outside of it.

6) for most of my life perfection was my currency.  it hurt me in a great many ways, but perfection fueled the trying and the writing, it kept a part of me chugging along through disappointment and distraction, and for those reasons alone, i can appreciate the version of myself that forced me into forward movement at the worst of times.  it helps to realize those ill parts of ourselves also offer some good.  and mostly it points me back to Him who was and is perfect. and that knowledge, known and felt in His presence, is my true currency.

7) i firmly believe it's okay to say no when asked out.  not every man's interest needs to be addressed. and though i struggle with this, it doesn't have to include a lie to justify it.  just be honest.  30 and single, does not equate to desperate and willing to settle.

8) let's not take each other out of context. i hate that.  let's be willing to grasp the whole big picture otherwise, what good are we to each other? a big picture point of view makes for lasting relationships. 

9) i am not, nor will i ever be, my mother, or my best friend, or my heroes, or even the very best dreamed up version of myself.

10) my dreams are not a husband and babies, nor are they my nice home and my career.  these dreams that fill the longings and desires in my heart are so much more than that.

30 means embracing what is to come...however long of a chapter that it will become, only God knows...but 30 means reawakening those sidelined dreams by praying them up unabashedly and working towards them step by step.

thinking on lovely things//giving thanks in all things

thinking on lovely things became a sort of maxim of mine a few years back.  it filled in a twitter and instagram bio, it was scribbled in the front pages of my journals, it was written across my bedroom mirror, the words were taped to the dashboard of my truck.  wherever i went, the reminder was there.  
thinking on loveliness was much needed and my constant prayer when it seemed all i could think on was anything but.

when i read philippians 4 back in, oh i guess it was 2010(?), oh gosh or maybe 2011.  yes, 2011 sounds correct, i realized this is what i needed.  i needed a mind and a life that was centered on these words:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

it's a nice thought.  to consider amidst a world full of tragedy, disappointment, and despair...believing that one could find the space, the grace, and the desire to think on loveliness offered hope for an alternative.  

and then notice result of such meditation: the God of peace will be with you.

what a lofty promise!

when things get cold and still, sometimes it feels like groping in the dark, which equates to an aimless sort of searching, just to latch onto some different sort of thinking.  sometimes the idea of lovely, noble, just, and pure feels so elusive.  

even when His word is open and my eyes are searching, and my heart is aching for it...the heaviness, the weighty memory of that which is not, presses in and works its way into every crevice to blind  and to bind up my heart and mind with its dark hopelessness.

this sort of existence is wholly unlovely, and yet it is a place that it seems that i (we) can easily find ourselves.  i know i am not alone in this because i hear it in their voices.  i see it in their actions.  we are living and breathing in the not quite lovely things on the regular. and it is wearing us down, and i believe it influences us in ways we don't always realize.  but we begin to speak it and then to live it as it reflects in our choices and attitudes.

but as i reexamined those words in the present, i realized what i hadn't before.

paul wrote these words in a place of dark hopelessness.  though the occasion was not. of his many letters to churches and brethren, philippians was a bright light amidst the not so bright.  in a dark place, paul saw a light, and grasped for it.

it is clear, from these words he wrote, these words God spoke, that he believed it...and he lived it!

and i believe that it was because he wholeheartedly meditated on true, noble, just, pure, lovely, and virtuous things.  these characteristics that so wonderfully inspire and encourage hope, faith, and love.  these ideas that complement the association of receiving the peace of God.  God's peace will surely be with you when you meditate on these things.

true is ethical trueness.

noble is to be respected.

just is giving people what they deserve.

pure is holy in relation to God.

lovely is attractive.

of good report is praiseworthy, thereby, something that brings God praise.

virtue refers to moral excellence.

think on these things...

fill your thoughts with these things, and then you can give thanks in all things.

when Paul exhorts us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 to give thanks in all things, he first tells us to rejoice and then to pray...i believe that order is salient because we need to prepare our hearts for giving thanks. we will not readily offer our gratitude to God, when things seem/feel contra.

that is why the meditation, the daily preparation, the consistency of prayer, and a constant intake of the word of God, and the fellowship of believers is so essential to our existence as followers of Christ.

in this world, getting "off track" is far too easy.  so, in preparing for a holiday of giving thanks, and a week away from the daily grind, and a wild getaway, i pray to find that which is lovely again.

This journey leads me back to the word that started 2014 for me.

a prayer to pursue loveliness and gratitude "wholeheartedly."

faith//jim gordon//believing in the beautiful

i like good guys and underdogs.  i suppose its a common liking amongst many people.  we want to see good guys win and it's even sweeter when an underdog sweeps in and gets the victory.  that's probably because they win by doing what is right.  and that is enthralling or insert here whatever adjective puts it best. the good guys, the underdogs, they are enthralling, especially as we look around and see that there seems to be so few.

which is probably why i now eagerly anticipate monday evenings as a time to watch what breathes goodness into my hungry for hope heart.  it was one of the first lines that jim gordon spoke to young bruce wayne that caught me.

"however, dark and scary the world might be right now...there will be a light."

and in many ways, jim gordon brings that light into a world of chaotic and confusing darkness because he fights, against all odds, he fights without giving up.  he does grow discouraged, he does get hurt, and he encounters more evil during one hour than most do.  but he does not give up on goodness and its possibilities.  and fictional as it may be, right now, somehow, it ministers to my heart.

because right now is a strange season of life.  it is a time in which i feel like a stranger to myself.  it is a time where i don't really feel like me or the woman i thought i was.

i hate that a few months and a few moments have caused me to think and to see through such a lens of negativity.  it has broken my spirit down and it has allowed the roots of bitterness to form deep inside of me, and as they grew, i remained oblivious until they began to spew out their ugly venom of frustration, long buried hurt, and simmering anger.

it has happened before.  and it is happening again.  bitter roots are dangerous.  and i find when they seem to so suddenly appear, i soon realize just how long they've been growing, and how i have been feeding them myself and how i've let others feed into them.

it's hideous and disappointing.  because i want to be different.  i want to be set apart.  i long to live holy and pleasing to my God.  and i forget that is impossible on my own, and that it is never easy or even natural amidst an all out pursuit of Him.

because when i get to where i am now, and maybe where i've been headed for over a year or so, i see that everything is broken and/or tragically messed up.  and yes, we can chalk it up to human nature, and the evil forces that be and the fact that our world in general is an extremely broken system.  but because i am still here, because i have today, and this moment, with whatever it holds, i have to have faith that there is still beauty to behold and that goodness, loveliness, pureness, kindness, hopefulness, dreams, glory, honor, servanthood, dedication, sacrifice, love...that all of it, it still exists and it is still pursued, and sought after and desired.

it's seems terribly unlikely when i turn on the television, when i look to the left and then to the right.  and even when i look in the mirror, at times i don't see it.

but i do ( i have to) believe that the beautiful is still possible, that when we look deeply enough beyond the darkness we will find it.  i know i see it when i gaze deeply into the eyes and words and heart of my Lord.  i know it is there.  and i find when i spend my time fostering that intimacy, the bitterness is broken down.  more and more it is mended and then all together healed.  for there are bitter pieces that at once ruled my mind and heart that are now a distant and indistinct memory.  so with that, i know that this too shall pass.  but in these days, in these moments, i find it more challenging, because it feels so all encompassing rather than just a compartment of time and space.

so, for today, as it seems to be all over the place, in all the nooks and crannies, i boldly ask my God for hope and faith to see beyond.  i ask my Father in heaven, the lover of my soul, for eyes to see like He does, for a heart like His that loves and moves beyond the actions and intents of humanity.  i pray for the pure and undefiled believing heart i once had, where dreams and reality felt like two things that could merge instead of two very separate roads. 

and so, as the evening sets in, and the sun goes down, and i breathe in and breathe out, i lift my eyes up and i whisper the words quietly, but so they can be heard.  heard by Him, heard by me, heard by whoever is in earshot.  "there will be a light."

rather...
"there is light."

here and now.

light to guide, light to penetrate the dark and bitter places, light to show truth, and light to reveal darkness where it tries to break through.

an underestimation//and the fight that ensues.

i've made this wonderful (online) friend.  she doesn't know i'm her friend, but i like to think that if we met in real face-to-face life, we would be.

when i sit down and read her stories, the ones that take place some 2,500 miles from me, i can see us walking through life as kindred spirits, sitting on the front porch of one of our homes, drinking sweet tea, bonding over our affinity for the elderly, giggling over long lost love, and the currents that capture our hearts.

but you see, our friendship, as i like to think it, looks a bit different when all you have is the vast and fast paced world we call the Internet, to keep you connected.  my kindred spirits, my would be friends are those who take the time to sit down and write their stories down to share for any random stranger's eyes to behold.  it's really a quite odd formation to a connection, but i enjoy it so.

there is one gal in particular who i frequently read, and when she posts something new, I get so excited.  and it is not a read it on the spot excited, its waiting until i have a moment of quiet and peace where i can curl up in my desk chair with a cup of tea, open the window so i have fresh air blowing in, and then i pop open my laptop and find where i've bookmarked her writings, and i read, and i breathe, and it is a beautiful moment that is always sure to inspire and uplift my soul.

and i wonder if my writing could bring that to somebody?  and i wonder if my friendship could? i wonder if as a teacher i breathe that life and bring that excitement in?  i wonder...and in this wondering the strangest thing happened. 

do you ever come across moments where you suddenly realize: i've never thought this thought before. some days, as of late, more often than not, i do, think many thoughts i've never thought before.

maybe it's thirty that has birthed these new thoughts and feelings in my mind and heart.
which is different and nice because life is very cyclical.  and sometimes life seems very expected.

my mentor likened life to a spiral staircase, a journey in which you are always moving upwards, but often returning to similar events, issues, worries, etc.  so when brand new experiences, thoughts, or even worries creep in and are presented to you, it is often a 'woah' moment in which you stop and think to yourself,  i've never been here before.

and that is what has been plaguing my thoughts for the last week.  a new thought.  a completely unexpected wondering.  it's one very much akin to thoughts thought of before, but it's phrasing gives it a new spin, that caused me to see things and myself in a very different light.


"you underestimate yourself," he said.

i was silent.  i've never thought that before.  i've never been told that before.  yes, i've struggled with ideas similar to that, but i've never seen it in the light of underestimation.

we drove in the dark attempting to find the quickest way home.  i think we were both done with each other.  for some unknown reason, and yet it was clear to both of us. 

and his words, they stung. 

i wanted to ask, whatever do you mean?  but i didn't have to.  he pressed on and told me. 

he recounted the ways the entire evening, the last three weeks, perhaps my whole life, the ways in which i underestimate myself.  i was then thankful for the darkness of the car as the tears crept their way out, burning and then falling ever so quickly down to my lap.

"hmmm," was all i could vocalize.

he then took to messing with the air conditioning as i sped faster home.  i wanted him gone, i wanted to be away.  i never wanted to see him again.  and i probably won't.  and shouldn't that relax my mind and heart?

but it doesn't.  his words are still an ever present sting.

it's funny how words do that.  i remember last december grasping so tightly to another man's words and the life they spoke into me.  how they had carried me so far with hope and comfort.  and while they don't hold the same power they once did, they remain scripted on my heart, albeit one man's opinion, it didn't make it less worthy of meaning.

and while this most recent man's words did not destroy me, they certainly made me think.  this three date wonder's words.  the unlikeliest of sources with perhaps a great deal of wisdom and insight into me.

you see, he wasn't wrong.  i do underestimate myself.  i view myself as extremely limited and i don't know why.  and the limitations are quite strange and oppressive.  i let this underestimation dictate how i believe others must view me.

i don't see myself being or becoming or able or appreciated.  it often goes unnoticed until someone points it out.  and it's almost okay if your mentor, or one of your best girlfriends, or even your mom points it out, because they are in your core and they see and know.  but when he says it, this man on the outside of things, this man who i struggle to let in says it...i immediately think, no, you have not earned this.

and suddenly i am not underestimating myself.  i am seeing myself for who i am.  for who i can be and become.  and he, well he squashed it, and i let him.

and it feels like two steps back from where you thought you were, and that is discouraging.  

but two steps back means you have the space to move forward, if you are willing to fight.

and it is the fight that ensues.  a fight sometimes i think is long over, only i am left to find a new enemy pops up and suddenly i am in the thick of the battle again.

on fret and fear//the waste of worry

i am a worrier.  to the core.  i make every fleeting human attempt not to and then it only gets worse.  worry is born out of fear.  every fear births a new worry.  what if there is a disaster, what if this is cancer, what if a loved one dies, what if i lose my job, what if, what if, what if???  the list of what ifs can truly be endless if i give it much of my thought time.

i have a vivid memory of eleven year old me.  the event was 5th grade graduation.  my first official graduation since preschool.  i was sooo excited.  i felt so important.  my parents and many other friends and family had gathered together to congratulate us, the 5th grade class of vista grande elementary.  the future class of 2002.  about 90 of us eleven year old's walked in a coordinated line into the multipurpose room to pomp and circumstance.  we had rehearsed this walk several times the day before.  we each had an assigned seat where we were supposed to sit for the ceremony to go off without a hitch.  however, because of two students missing from the ceremony that day, my partner in the alphabet, ricky lopez led me to the incorrect seat.  we sat down and he was all smiles.  while i was all panic.  we were in the wrong seats!!! everything was surely ruined.  i leaned over to him and whispered, "we're in the wrong seats.  what do we do???"  he shooed me off.  "no we're not." he said cooly, meanwhile he waved to his family and friends there to celebrate him.  i couldn't even think of trying to find my parents in the crowd.  i had to fix this disaster.  i pressed him again, "we're going to mess everything up."  he told me it didn't matter.  he told me it was fine.  but it wasn't.  it did matter. inside i was a well of worry.  and it showed.  my dad has the videotape to prove it.  i frantically looked around the room hoping some adult would come save me and ricky from this dreadful error.  for the first fifteen minutes of the ceremony  i was fidgety and frantic. i kept eyeing the empty seats we were supposed to be in.  i was full of fear.  i kept placing my hands on my face (think macaulay culkin in home alone, minus the scream)  i could not calm down.  i was certain imminent trouble was on the way.  either i was to be scolded by the teacher, or the whole graduation ceremony was ruined.  there was no in-between to my fret and fear.  i was certain this was the worst thing to happen.

well, as you can imagine, nothing was ruined.  after we sang our 5th grade song, one of the teachers who had caught wind of our mistake, graciously showed me and ricky to our appropriate assigned seats so as not to mess up the calling of our names.  much to my relief, i thanked her repeatedly.  after a few more minutes i finally calmed down and was able to somewhat enjoy the rest of this marker of my childhood.

i wish i could go back now and tell 11 year old me to just breathe.  i would assure her that there are many problems in life ahead that will be much worse than this, that don't call for as much panic and concern i was giving sitting in the wrong seat.  i would tell her it really would all be okay and that there really was nothing to worry about.  i would remind her that adults were looking out for her, and that this small error in no way lessened her value as a person (still working on this one at 30).

worry and fear are just so darn pervasive and all encompassing.  and unfortunately it can take over just like that.  i always think of the old adage...give it an inch, and it'll take a mile.  it rings so true, at least for me.  give worry, fret and fear, even a centimeter and it'll take a million miles.  honestly, sometimes i get so overwhelmed.  i often find myself having to play connect the dots to even begin to get to the root of the worry.

i'd like to say i've come along way since this fateful day of my little life.  but i found myself in a similar pickle this week.  watch ten minutes of news, look at the crisis in the middle east, note the persecution in iraq, watch the lack of wisdom in our world leaders, then look at my own life...bodily ailments, a stolen wallet, financial strain, friends in crises, family in crises, and i just panic.  i freak out.  and i keep it all in.  it expels itself in little ways, (think catherine o'hara in home alone, any airport scene).  but it mostly remains bottled up as i strive to establish my own control over its pervasive threats.  but no matter how rational and realistic i try to be, at its best, it remains for a few moments and then it is gone just as quickly.

what it all boils down to is this: fret, fear, and worry, albeit authentic and sometimes validated emotions, they really have no place in my walk with the Lord.

if i truly live through the light of His Word, through the lens of Scripture, worry begins to look different.

i looked at the sermon on the mount this morning, thanks to the prompting of some dear women who love the Lord, and i was truly humbled by the truths in this special message from Jesus to us.

 

Jesus on worry...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]? ²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Jesus on those wonderful beattitudes

He said:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

Jesus on flavor and shining bright...

¹³ “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

 

Jesus on the fulfillment of the law

¹⁷ “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. ¹⁸ For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. ¹⁹ Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. ²⁰ For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.


what is wasted on worry is not wasted on prayer and trust and faith in God.  He has shown Himself faithful....what can worry and fret and fear do for me?  nothing, absolutely nothing.  what can prayer and trust and faith do for me?  everything, absolutely everything.

writing to change the world//bird by bird

"I did this for several years.  I wanted to be published so badly.  I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer.  Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you do not give up." ~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

"Writing and therapy are both about creating the conditions that allow us to take people to the mountain.  When people's breathing changes and their eyes fill with wonder, they will walk down that mountain ready to perform miracles." ~Mary Pipher, Writing to Change the World

There is something noble about those who can put pen to page and write something beautiful, meaningful, profound, funny, heart-wrenching, captivating, and mysterious.  I will never not be in awe of such individuals.  Their discipline and their imaginations, I envy.  

I am beginning to realize, or rather taste, the hard work that is writing.  The pull to write is inescapable.  It's like once you give in to it, it continually demands your attentive presence.  So, here I sit, writing, waiting for the words to come, often writing words I wish hadn't come.

I suppose I am even thankful for the words I wish hadn't come, because there have been so many seasons of life where there were no words at all.

I reread old drafts and wonder what on earth I was thinking when I wrote those words.  But they were words that filled up an important moment.

So I read, I listen to words as they are sung, spoken, prayed, and the most important words that are whispered...I replenish, I move, and quiet my soul, and then I write again.

Really, the writing is just for me.  At this point, it is just for me.  And I don't know if that is selfish or if it is kind to spare others of the words and stories that pour out.  I suppose for this season, the writing is for my soul.  And that is good.  The writing, I believe, is what God calls me to. 

Then I consider, what does it mean to my God, that I sit down and write everyday?

...

Will my writing change the world?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know that I care, either.

If the writing that pours forth from my fingertips changes one life, encourages one soul, then it means something beyond what it meant for me.

And for me, it is really something.
It is the writing that engages me with life.
With my own life.
My own living and breathing and thinking.

And that is something.
Because for a long time...I couldn't.

So I make sure I am attentive and engaged with this little life of mine, that has purpose and meaning, though I don't always see it.

But I'm here.
And while I am, I will write...hopefully about things that matter, for people who matter, for me, and unto Him.  Because all of that matters, quite a bit.  Amidst a world of chaos and catastrophe, amidst a life of sadness and joys, it is this small thing, this writing, that encourages in part the idea of pressing on.
And also knowing
it can do big things
in some form or fashion.

Big things that aren't found in the publishing or being known, but rather in the creation of conditions that allow us to go and take people to the mountain.

love your neighbor as yourself//getting over "me"

 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ~Mark 12:31

the greatest of things that God calls us to, and how ridiculously i fail.

 simply because i am constantly consumed with me.  at any moment of any given day you will find me thinking about myself and my problems and my dreams and my discomforts and my searching for making my life better.

blech!  it sound's awful, but it's true.  i am so incredibly selfish.  i'm sickened by the amount of time and energy i spend on how i feel.  as i pour into God's Word more and more, i grow increasingly convicted by my "me" ways.

i need to get over it.  i need to remember that i am not the second, let alone first important thing in my life.

the more i think and meditate on His Word, the more I am inclined to think beyond me.

and it gets me thinking and living toward this idea of others.  it opens my mind and heart to a world other than me.

a world where others are hurting, and longing, and praying, and wondering, and asking, and are hungry and so desperately in need of hope.

this calling on our lives, this second most important thing we are implored to do is really not so hard.

"love your neighbor as yourself."

well, we know i love myself.  can i love another in a similar way?

i know i don't need to look far to find my neighbor.  to find someone in need of love, a big God-kind of love, those people are everywhere i turn.

am i loving them?

am i loving them in a way that doesn't scream, "look at me!"?

i'm so selfish, that when i am being loving or kind, somewhere inside of me i am hoping someone will see and notice and think about how great i am.

isn't it an awful kind of selfishness?  i get so involved in "me" that i can't even forget about myself when i am trying to love my neighbor as myself.  so, in all honesty, i recognize that i am so far from living out this "love your neighbor as yourself" thing.

but i think it's something i can do.

i want to be in a place where the only attention and approval i crave is from God Himself.

i want to care only about Him seeing what i am doing and knowing i only do what i do to please Him.

i want integrity and humility to be the words that define the essence of who i am.

i think i always thought these are the kind of things you just become when you decide to follow Christ wholeheartedly.

but in reality, like with anything, it takes work.  you have to go to school and be committed to hard work, diligent in classes and disciplined for years in order to earn that degree.

the same is true for becoming a professional, getting a tight bod, achieving excellence in any arena.  it takes dedication and hard work.  it moves beyond the decision to achieve and become these things.

there's work involved.  and thankfully, with the guidance, love, grace, and wisdom of the Good Teacher, it is possible.

the more i invest in a wholehearted pursuit of Him, the likelihood lessons that i am my first concern at any given moment.

and that is a good thing.  a very good thing.  because at this point in my life, i'm getting quite a bit sick of me and my supposed needs.  i am learning that i need less than i thought.  i am learning that when i look at my neighbor their needs are more important than mine.

so today i pray for my neighbor, the kaur, in indonesia. i pray for the ones across the world that suffer, the ones next door, and those that cross my path.  i pray that somehow, some way, today they experience God's love in a radical and intimate way.

wild geese//life so far//+the inevitable pressure of "and guest".

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this poem has been hanging over my desk for years.  every time (which are fewer and farther between the longer it hangs there) I stop to read it, to really let the words seep into mind and heart, I notice and feel something new because the words seem to offer themselves in a different way.

"whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination..." 

 

today, these words sing to me.

i find camaraderie with their author and their meaning.

and i wonder what thoughts, emotions, life experiences, led her to pen such words.

"calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --"

it does indeed.  it calls.  it beckons, and my oh my, lately it seems a force to be reckoned with.

this is what happens.  july gets me thinking and wondering about where my year is going, and what my life has been so far in 2014.  half of which has passed and another half which awaits.

and i read this poem, and it reminds me about the life i am living.  it reminds me to feel the days i am in.  and i get pensive, and i begin to reflect.

this year started, wholeheartedly. 

and that theme has captured and catapulted many of my days into something great and something meaningful.

then, i turned thirty.

and i'll be damned if i say that 2014 and thirty haven't been good to me.

but there is something else there, that lingers not too far under the surface of the day to day, and the beautiful mundane.

is it discontentment or despair? 

whatever it is, it does not negate the hope for days to come.

but it's there...a sadness of sorts.

and sadness isn't so bad, because

while it seems 2014 has been at least in part a series of heartaches,

meanwhile the world does go on.

yes, it does spin on.  madly at times...but it spins. 

and sometimes in spite of the nature that is life...vanity of vanities...tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day... 

a series of heartaches, a season of sadness, a time of sorrow demands a response.

 today, i responded.

yesterday, came in the mail, yet another wedding invitation.  and that is exciting.  so many friends, finding the happiness that is found in and with another...it is a celebration, truly, to watch dear friends, stand up before their loved ones and vow lifelong committment unto the Lord and unto each other.

but then comes the dreaded "and guest" sigh.

when you're single, life can still be pretty good, despite what some may say.  i cannot complain.  i really cannot.  if all of my loved ones are healthy...then what can i really throw up my arms about?

but the possibility of something other than what i am and have weighs in heavy as of late.

it's hard to be attentive to and it is equally hard to ignore.

so many other good things, and new open doors, and exciting ventures have presented themselves.  and yet, under the surface, the pervasive longing bubbles.  

some days it jumps out at me and screams,

"look around, you're not the most important person to anyone! hahahahahaha!"

or worse yet,

"you are doomed to an abyss of alone, for-ve-er!!!!"

(said in a very squints from sandlot sort of way)

and then i'll snap out of it, not entirely unscathed, but able to recognize what is true and replace the horrid yelling lies with truth.  

but oh, no matter how many times i fight it, those nasty lies really like to pop up at the most inopportune times.

seeing "and guest" scribbled across an envelope next to your own name, as a single woman of thirty, is definitely one of those inopportune times.

because the voices, they came with a vengeance.  

and they pressed in heavy the whole next day. i waited for my morning coffee nervously, i overheard the insincere remark of a teenager referencing an unmarried 43 year old man as a loser and cringed, i walked through the grocery store eyeing every person i passed with growing speculation and curiosity, and then met up with girlfriends, all the while looking around, far too self-aware for my own good, surveying the scenes of life, wondering, could he be here?  

running through my mind all day: who is "and guest"?  does he exist?  is he looking for me?

and it wasn't until i got home, and sat down, and really breathed in and out, consciously for the first time all day, that i noticed the tension and stress i had put myself through, just because of two words.

so i read the poem again.

and i breathed in and out.

and i sat quietly.

and i realized...

if the big day rolls around, and it's just me...it will be okay.  singleness does not destroy me.  it does not crush me.  but it is the ever gentle and sometimes somewhat harsh reminder that i am alone.  and the older i get, the fewer there are of us, walking this life alone.  alone is merely in the sense of lacking a life partner in human form...which sounds scientific, but i don't mean it to.

because it's nice to have a pup to come home to, and a grandma who remembers who i am, and parents who still love and care for me, and friends that check on me, and wonderful, wise women who share their time and very best with me, and invite me to share in their biggest celebrations of life. 

and i know i am not alone.

i go to sleep alone.  and i wake up alone.  but in the aloneness, there is God who speaks life and love into me and the spaces of emptiness.  and that is enough.

"and guest" wasn't written to remind me of my aloneness in the world, but today it does.

it may not always.

maybe one day, "and guest" will bring a smile to my lips and a flutter to my heart.

maybe one day, "and guest" and i will speak our own vows in front of loved ones, and fill in the empty spaces that only we were meant to fill.

and i know that will be worth the wait.

and that, whether it happens or not, makes the empty spaces okay.

because the hope of heaven, and the knowledge of Him, makes the empty spaces okay.

 "...over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."

quiet//in praise of slowness

  “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
―Brene Brown

 "I think the most important thing you can be to someone else is dependable. In this world, it's nice to have a person you can count on!"

―Julianna Margulies

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”
―John Green (The Fault in Our Stars)

i struggled for many years liking and accepting who i knew myself to truly be.  lately i've struggled with the difficulties of human relationships.  and more and more i am seeing and learning that life is different ballgame than the reality my dreams are made of.

all that to say, imperfections abound on every side of life.  and these are the difficult truths i am learning to accept.  truths that aren't bad in and of themselves.  they are truths i was vaguely aware of on the day to day.  but now life seems to be about moving and pressing into these truths, hard as they may be.

God is leading me to do this. i say that with confidence.  i write it with truth and trust in my heart.  i believe this is what He is preparing me for...to know, to understand, and then to accept.  know, understand, and accept: me, for who i am, in my truest form, without guilt, without further demand that comes from falsities and who i think i should be.  know, understand, and accept that human relationships are hard.  and lastly know, understand, and accept: dreams (knowing the way the world paints dreams) are not always going to become reality.   i think all of this has been years in the making. 

i move in slow motion, and God graciously moves with me in that slowness.  because i think God moves in both ways, quick and slow, but there's something to be said for the slowness, i think.  it takes awhile for me to come to terms with what is and what will be.  i can learn to accept anything, but it is, indeed, a slow process.

i don't say that, or write that, with a sense of hopelessness, but rather with the growing sense of what is now required of me to truly thrive in this life, to accept my truest self, and to begin to forge new relationships and cultivate deeper friendships. these movements in my life, i believe, require three things.

Vulnerability
Dependability
and
Faithfulness

i realize more and more that these three things are a rarity...and often what we are hurt by in this life and in the difficult emotional terrain that is human relationships is a lack of, and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another.  which on the surface is forsaking the faithfulness and dependability that strong and lasting relationships demand.

facing the reality of the facebook-twitter-instagram generation in which we live; face to face, authentic communication, intimacy and trustworthiness seems to be a lost art in human relationships.  we learn about marriages and pregnancies and other life celebrations and milestones through these social networking sites rather than a phone call or hangout. then we are shielded from the harsh realities, the bad days, and the sad moments.  we present to one another what is good and beautiful in our lives and leave it at that.

we are sorely missing out, whether we realize it or not, whether we agree or not.

mostly this is true because these forums in which we present our lives are used only to shine light upon the best moments so that the lives of all of those around us seem perfect and lovely at any given time. and frankly that alienates.  because when we do finally carve out the time in our busy schedules to meet face to face, it becomes even more difficult to share the hard and messy parts when we think our counterpart's lives are all too wonderful.

maybe it's just me, but this is what i get bogged down with.  i begin to feel less than all the others because i don't have, or i don't get as quickly, or mine (whatever mine is) looks different.

i forget that this is me, and that's okay. 

truth be told, i don't know about you. not really, anyway.  i only see what i see when i see it and that is where i derive my truths about you, fully knowing they are not all encompassing truths, but sometimes i forget and that's what i start to believe in, most often without realizing.

i am quiet.  i keep many thoughts to myself.  i don't have all the things i think i should, or maybe it's just everyone else who thinks it, and therefore i think it too.  i share what i share when i really know you.  and sometimes that is frustrating...for you and for me.  i'm sorry for both of us...that it never seems enough.

sometimes i can't.  i just need to be alone.  i don't have the emotional energy for all of it...and i still wonder if that's okay, or if i am being selfish. 

sometimes it is selfishness.

sometimes it is self-protection.

and let's face it, self-protection is survival.

that's why i deleted my facebook.

that's why i am cautious with time spent on instagram, and whose lives i follow on twitter.

that's why a small circle of close friends is more important than a large circle of acquaintances.

that's why last fall i began to learn about, read about, and practice vulnerability.

and i found my relationships were strengthened through this practice.  i said yes to dates, i would have before said no to.  i began to reveal more, which was rare, but always produced something good, something life-giving.

and that is why i am still single.  maybe for the long stretch...maybe for just a season.  but it is a learning, i may not have come across in the same way.

either way, it doesn't matter, the movement in my life remains the same.

to be vulnerable, to be dependable, to be faithful.

these are the terms that define my relationship with God and what it is unfolding to be.
these are the terms (deep breath) which will begin to define my relationship with others.

and this is who i am today.  quiet.  often too myself.  trudging through the muck slowly.  finding grace and unfolding the beauty slowly.  learning and becoming slowly.  but that's me.  and that's okay.

so, for today, i will sit quietly at His feet.  and i will pray.  a slow prayer.  a gathering of words that plead for His mercy and strength as i walk into vulnerability.  as i learn what it really means to be dependable, and to live in faithfulness.

it's not easy, by any means.  this is the hard stuff, because this is the real stuff, the God stuff, which, i truly believe, is what leads to GOOD.

a song as an experience//O

something happens to me when i listen to this.  i am somewhere else, i am someone else.  i feel with God.  i feel peace.  it's rare when songs do this for me, but it does happen on occasion, and when it does, it is truly a gift.

overcoming//sunday thoughts

overcoming means to succeed in dealing with.

i suppose this is what life is all about, isn't it?  overcoming.
the one's that came before overcame,
and so will you and i.

i'm learning that overcoming is not a one time, one thing, kind of thing.

it is all things at all times.

there is so much to overcome, or rather to succeed in dealing with.
and there is recognizing that maybe, we won't or don't always overcome.

overcoming doesn't look like:
getting so caught up in the search for happiness that i lose sight of what happiness actually is.
  shaking fists at the sky because of the endless disappointment of budding romantic ideals and hopes that never seem to come to fruition.
feeling weighed down and hindered by the conflicts in my own story 
growing discouraged by what has not been accomplished.

and yet
by His grace
i never quite lose heart.

i suppose the initial aspects of overcoming looks like:
  praying big (overcoming) prayers.
praying prayers that remain constantly on my lips,
hoping with consistency.

overcoming looks like:
knowing often things are hardly what they seem.
 my life, our lives are part of a bigger story.
and understanding and respecting the necessity of seasons (literally and figuratively).


daily overcoming looks like:
truly believing in the virtue of patience which truly produces the really good things in life.
recognizing moment by moment, i am not in control of anything (surrender).
 

 quietly i am almost always expecting more than what is truly mine for today (that is hope and overcoming melded together).

 trying ever so hard to trust that one missed opportunity doesn't result in my whole word crumbling down before me!!!!

waiting on Him who is always Faithful, always True, and always Good.

on friendship.

"Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace."

-Kahlil Gibran

shared experiences tend to bring people together, so when differences abound can friendship remain and thrive?  i am a firm believer that most lasting and meaningful friendships are based on commonalities.  generally people need to be in a similar place in life, or at a similar level, to unite and furthermore, stay knit together. 

but it seems that while navigating the terrain of adult friendships the wondering that prevails is this: is it possible to maintain a closeness without some certain tangible commonality? while i'd like to think so, it seems harder and harder to come by the older i get.  i'd like to believe that community can be found amongst a vast array of others.  but it seems to be one of the more difficult things to come by.  

authentic community; it also seems that the older i get, it begins to feel more and more beyond reach. there even seems to be a growing disconnect amongst my once solid community of friends.  when i examine the root of the disconnect, one of the few things i can attribute it to is the shifts and changes that come with growing up and beginning new chapters in life, whether it is moving to a new city, getting married, or forming a family. 

not all friendships can endure these changes.  and some potential friendships hesitate to even open the door to a beginning because the differences feel too great.

i think these two things might be some of the most heartbreaking and disappointing parts of growing up, or maybe we chalk it up to facing the decline of human face to face interaction in our culture.  there is so much that is missed out on.

i am so thankful for friendsips that have grown and stretched through the changes of life.  i am thankful for friendships that haven't given up because it was hard. i am thankful for the ones that still share in meaningful conversations over meals, and that let days easily unfold into evenings, without being rushed or feeling forced to part ways, and the ones that fly across states and the country for that matter just to spend a weekend of celebration together, and relish in the hope of more "together" days to come. faithfulness...that is what i love in my friendships.

these sorts of friendships have learnt to fight against the many miles, look past the varied life experiences and the changing personalities that can sometimes threaten and tear at the threads of once close knit friendships.

the hardship of these friendships is that usually to weather the changes you have to let some of the good bits go that used to be there.  and hopefully they are not the really good bits, but you recognize that is part of maintaining some semblance of closeness.

the other side of the coin is as we try to fill in the gaps with new friends, sometimes we choose poorly.  or sometimes the options feel limited and disappointing. and sometimes we have to say good-bye and it's sad, and sometimes they burn out on their own.

it will never be as easy as it was.   when you're an adult, and school is behind you, you can't be friends just because you're in the same class or share in the same after school activities anymore.  the simplicity of such friendship is gone.  it's much more complicated than that.

i realized recently how deep my ache for this sort of friendship is in my day to day life.  i don't really have day to day friends anymore.  i have far away friends, i have once and twice a month friends, i have sunday friends, and tuesday evening friends, and hiking friends, and dog park pals, and neighbors, and i have the few and far between friends.

God designed us as relational, and even as an extreme introvert i long for human connection more often than i had ever realized.  when i was sitting in church by myself the other day, a kind gentleman walked up to me, and put his hand on my shoulder.  i turned and as we made eye contact, i immediately recognized the face as one i see playing guitar on stage, and he knew me as the girl in the coffee shop.  he asked me my name, and i knew his, and we shook hands.  i smiled because i was grateful for human connection.  i was thankful to put a name to a face and be noticed and known. and as he walked away, and i turned back to worship, i was overcome by emotion.  our pastor led us through this prayer and i felt such an authentic connection with Jesus in those moments.  knowing consciously He was there next to me with His hand on my shoulder.  that He was my community as well, and this unrest in my heart on friendship is leading me toward the fight for deeper community and connection.

we are all longing for that in some fashion.  we want to be noticed, seen, and known.  but we must fight for it.  we must try. we must not give up.  our culture is dehumanizing our interactions to 150 characters or less.  we have so much more to say, to feel, to share, and to see.

let's press on and fight for others and authentic relationships.  they are rare...whether for a season or a lifetime.  friendship is essential to a good life...to a God-centered life.

 "And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."

-Kahlil Gibran