someday//someone.

i think that if i change my hair color or buy a new dress that somehow that will be all i need to be happy forever, or at least the foreseeable future. but then i get home and the dress is too short, or the hair color too light, and i am in need of another shopping spree or a box of hair dye to once again attempt to achieve happiness through outward beauty.

or i imagine the absolutely worst case scenarios on any given day.  because i worry too much, and maybe its just because in some sort of delusional way, i am prepared.  and thus, when the worried about worst case scenario doesn't actually unfold i am filled with a great amount of gratitude.  and i am reminded once again how much more i need to trust and lay my worries at His feet.

or sometimes i get really stressed out.  and i don't talk about it with anyone.  so when i come home i rearrange the furniture and i clean.  and then i feel better.  i can have control over this one thing.  my house is clean and it feels fresh and new.  and somehow that means everything else will be okay too.

in case you're not picking up on the pattern here, i tend to go off the deep end about things.  sometimes it's big things that matter and sometimes it is those small petty things that really shouldn't bother me at all.

all of this is to say, i ventured off that high up ledge of security and calm, and dove into the deep dark abyss of crazy and worry the other night and i really feel quite silly about it.  it was one of those "whoa is me" conversations with a trustworthy friend.  the kind where i am finding myself in the wrong dress, and my hair color is too faded, and i am imagining the worst case scenario.  you know, one of those conversations that unfolds over the course of a long drive, where you are honestly facing yourself, and then you utter those too true feeling words, the ones that come out in just the most awful, self-absorbed way?

what if i'm alone forever?

thankfully in that moment of utterance being with a truly good friend as i was, who wouldn't let me drown in that abyss, encouraged me that i am more than likely, if not completely being irrational about such a prospect, about all of it really.

and i was.
the hair color change.
the new dresses.
the incessant cleaning and rearranging.
what does it solve?
it is a mere displacement of feelings.

but it all does make me wonder...why do i do this...this cycle of my own craziness? i avoid, i displace, i deny, and then i freak out, i cry, and i come back to sanity and i wonder why.

why is it when i finally come around to this idea of finding you, why is it when i finally recognize those deep rooted desires within me, when i am finally not as afraid anymore, or am trying to run, that you seem to be absolutely nowhere to be found.  i wouldn't even know where to begin.  and than that all too real feeling of panic bubbles up inside of me...what if, what if, what if??? 

i watch and i observe the men i encounter.  i see how they dress, i watch how they treat the people around them, i listen to what they say, and i grow more and more alarmed.  where are the good ones? do they exist? why do i never see/meet them?

and it is only when i get down and desperate that i listen to Him.  my heart of hearts.  the truth.  the reality check.  and He reminds me...He is the good one.  and He encourages me and guides me to trust Him and only Him.  because new hair colors are not trustworthy.  and a new dress fades and shrinks...and cleanness only lasts so long.

and i think in light of where He leads me and i know....


i know you are a good one.  i believe it with all of my heart.

and i wonder when men look at me and observe me, what do they see?  a worthy woman?

someday will we find each other? and when it happens, will we feel worthy?

and one day, someday, when you come home to me and the scent of bleach is in the air and my hair color has changed slightly and there is a new outfit in the closet, or maybe, just maybe the furniture will be rearranged...will you know?

will you just take my hand, and tell me that it's going to be okay?  will you pray for me and with me?  will you point me back to Him, and can we pursue Him more deeply together?

that's all i really am looking for.

it is all i really need.

i know what's like...

to be passed over, to go unnoticed,

to be clumsy get things wrong

and i know what it's like

to arrive too late

to be told to leave

to be walked upon

 

if only for today

i wanna be the girl who got away

the lover who really loved

the dancer who really danced

to the last song

 

 

i have no control.  i am surrendering to that today.  i don't know how to piece it all together, to make it happen.  because i can't.  it's all so discouraging. 

 

i need grace, love, peace and patience. 

 

i know what it's like to not have those things. 

i know what it's like to not be seen. 

i want to do great things in spite of all this. 

 

i want to love and experience great things, to feel awe in spite of everything telling me i cannot.

 

for just today, can i be the girl who got away from all of this and just feel the freedom of faith and hope?