on loss//a prayer of hope

 "how do the geese know when to fly to the sun?

who tells them the seasons?

how do we, humans know when it is time to move on?

as with the migrant birds, so surely with us,

there is a voice within, if only we would listen to it

that tells us so certainly to go forth

into the unknown."

~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

loss requires perspective.
i think perspective comes with and through time and separation from the loss.
but sometimes loss doesn't happen in one fell swoop, rather it comes as a season with good and bad moments and then can hang on like a habit that cannot be broken. it is most definitely a long and arduous process, one in which there is no other way around but through.  and some losses will hang with us forever.

but in that there is beauty to be held in the loss.  there are memories and fondness that can ease the pain.  what is most wonderful and lovely in loss is that it brings out a hunger for heaven.  it stirs a desire for hope that is true and lasting.  and it is a reminder that our lives are more than this.  our lives are meant to be defined by much, much more than the losses that accumulate.

sometimes loss is worn like an unremovable label...they lost their child, she lost her husband, his parents abandoned him.  sometimes those losses become a part of you whether you like it or not.  sometimes they must define every next step.  sometimes those losses and the way you carry yourselves through and after lift you up to be a beacon of hope for others.

then there are the other losses.  i wouldn't dare call them smaller, they are just "other".  one can lose a grandparent, and those sorts of losses are not entirely unexpected.  for we learn with old age, death is rather inevitable.  then there are the losses of beloved pets.  expected or not, they can be equally difficult to walk through.  then there is the death of a dream, the loss of a job, friendship or even expectations.  all of which hold their own pain.

the question loss begs is, when is it time to move on?  not forget, but forge a new path...when is it time to go forth and chase after a new dream?  when is it the time to remarry?  to have another kid, to get a new pet?

lately, life is scattered with little losses.  i can assess the size of my own because i know how they feel when i sit with them and hold them in my hands.  i feel their weight and though they are not great in size, the depth of their pain is real.  they are losses i can certainly move on from.  they are losses that remind me life is a both/and experience rather than an either/or.

moving on requires a direction, and i find that it is the direction that is unknown.  and the unknown, right now, feels like the greatest hardship amidst the losses.  the unknown, instead of feeling expansive in nature actually feels quite limiting.  and as soon as i recognized the limits that i felt, i realized i was losing hope. and the loss of hope is not a loss i can bear.  it wasn't even an all encompassing loss of hope, but rather a gradual loss that showed itself when it finally came to writing down the possibilities of new directions.  i couldn't see past the way in which i've let these recent losses define me. 

so i lay these losses at the Lord's feet.  i give Him this 'unbeknownst to me', direction.  He knows.   when i am feeling a sense of lost hope i know with great certainty i am at the very least headed in the wrong direction.  so i trust, i must trust, He knows.

so, tomorrow, Lord willing, i will awake, and i will rise and my feet will touch the ground and i will walk forward, pressing into the day, dreaming and living in unknown directions. i may not know what the next day holds, but He does.  and His direction for me is saturated in hope.

Lord, let us not lose sight of You.  You who holds Hope in His hands.  Help us to rely on and rest in You.  Draw us, our dreams and desires, our losses and heartbreak to You, the only true Hope.  thank you that (as scary as it is) we can go forth into the unknown, trusting (not always seeing) that you truly are guiding each step.  as we take these quiet, sometimes trepid steps toward your lead, may we come to know You more intimately, knowing that you too bear our losses. may we find the comfort of peace that you offer us so graciously. 

gumption//word of 2015

how gumption came to me was rather coincidental.  i was looking for a word like gumption, but at first i didn't like the way it sounded.  words, they must sound good, no? especially when that is a word you are counting on to define and guide a whole year of your life.  gumption to me, at first sound, seemed sort of a dumb, odd choice.  it's not a word that rolls off the tongue with ease. nor is it pretty.  it doesn't bring to mind a beautiful image.  nevertheless, i have no doubt that it is my word, rather my theme for 2015.

gumption demonstrates a certain strength and tenacity just in how it sounds.  it is the word that best defines my efforts, desires and dreams for 2015.

a few days before Christmas, as is tradition, i watched the holiday while wrapping gifts.   and surprisingly, unlike any previous viewing this scene stood out to me:

iris has always been the more relatable character for me, of the two leading ladies (something about those kate winslet kind of girls).

this time around i really saw this scene as the most important part of the movie, in my humble opinion.  more than seeing her fall in love, more than seeing any other character's kind of happily ever after, you just want to see her stick up for herself and tell jasper where to stick it.

and she does.
beautifully.

and you see, this is what i want in many sorts of ways.  the gumption (spunk, spirited initiative, courage, cleverness, nerve, sass...) to stand up, to speak up, to shut up, to write it down, to share it, to pray it, to believe it, to fight for it, to just finally say it.  to not let it go.  to not pretend it doesn't bother me.  to not say no when i really mean yes and vice versa.

gumption lived out is strong.  gumption lived out looks tenacious and acts boldly.  gumption to me, bridges the gap to 2014 because it in many ways also conveys my wholehearted approach to life and all that i do.  i believe gumption is feminine and i believe gumption is God-given. 

i don't characterize my goals and drive for 2015 to be wholly gumptious. i know i can't be and won't always be.  there will be situations that call for it and i will not step up.  maybe because i am afraid, or i am tired, or maybe at that point in time, i just won't care.  and my false self will say i failed and i am no good...but hopefully, i will realize this is not true.  i will instead pray and i will remind myself, that this here, this year i have been given, this word in my heart is to remind me to try.  it is to encourage me to be more and to say what wants and needs to be said.

gumption, i believe, is what God is calling me to be and live in such a way.  it is the word inscribed in my heart as it is in its current state.  prior to this, about midway through 2014, brave was the word that rested heavy on my heart.  to be brave. however, i questioned it often.  because brave to me is rather vague or at the very least an overused term that seems to lose its meaning as a result of misuse.  if anything, i think gumption is a component of bravery.  it is not bravery, but rather a piece that i need/long to learn to live out.  i believe gumption is the vocal piece of bravery.  and one thing i can say with certainty is that i don't think i'm to be quiet anymore.  it's time to speak...write...and respond.

so,  2015, 4 days in...
let's pray, and let's take small steps, and some bigger leaps and let's be gumptious.

on home//finding life that is not in places or things

"writing is both mask and unveiling."//e.b. white

 found here

my own space is important.  i have to have a small part of this world that feels like home. but what is home to me varies.  sometimes it is the literal space i find myself driving to everyday after work.  and though that place may vary and the people i am living with change, a part of home is that roof you live your life under, where you lay your head each night.

however, i am learning that home is more than just that.  they say, "home is wear the heart is,"and i truly believe this familiar quote to be most certainly true.  which therefore means i find my home in so very many places.  a friend of mine jokes that i heart too many things.  and it's true.  whenever we're driving together i definitely overuse the phrase, "i love this song."  but i do, i love many songs!  i find feelings, hope, joy, solace...in many, many songs.

my family and friends, they, of course, have pieces and parts of my heart.  they are the ones i would go to the ends of the earth for.  and as much as i may say i hate the overuse of the word love, there is something to it when i say i love this or that.  i have deep affection and will give great attention to those things i say i love.  i love people, things and places because in part of what they offer me, but also because it is in my nature to love and have affection, and demonstrate an appreciation for that which i say i love.  and what i love is my heart, and where my heart is, there i do find my home.
 
i love audrey hepburn films, live music outdoors, the sound of a violin, the voice of etta james, making lists and checking things off...i love my church, i adore owls, i am enamored with beautiful handbags, a new dress, a british accent, colorful picture frames, mint green...i have great fondness for binge watching gilmore girls, reading judy blume books, tom hiddleston's smile, the humor of mindy kaling, the sound of the pacific ocean, a charming pencil sharpener, all things kate spade...i have a great attachment to the beauty of land, the smell of of suntan lotion and a good taco...and in someway, i find that all of these things/experiences/places, as fleeting or sustaining as they may be they offer a home to me in some way.
 that home is a sense of comfort, inspiration and enjoyment.

my bedroom is basically a place for thousands, yes thousands of books to live.  every single wall is lined with bookshelves, and every single shelf is sagging with books.  in these stories, i find a home.  i make friends with the characters.  i enjoy living in their shoes for awhile.  i laugh with them, i love with them, i cry with them, i hope with them.  books, in and of themselves, their binding and smell, the way they are decorated, the feel of the pages, i find, are a piece of my home.

home is found in nature.  it is found in the glory of God's creation.  it is uncovered through the mountains and the oceans, through a sky full of stars, and the morning light just before the sun has fully risen.  i find when i enter into the vast natural world around me, where trees and grass are in abundance, where wild life can be clearly seen, where flowers bloom, and the skies are vast, here is where i experience God most intimately, here is a taste, i think, of my heavenly home.

home is an a dog, who i believe found me, rather than the other way around.  she came into my life when i needed her most, and she understands the emotional terrain she walks with me in day by day.  she is attentive to the mood and she is who i need her to be.  her affection and appreciation for me makes me want to be the person she thinks i am.  she has my heart, in a way, more than i thought an animal of all things ever could.  perhaps, that is only something one says before they have children...and maybe it makes me crazy, but that's okay, she is my home.

what i've discovered over the past two years though, more than all of these people, places, experiences and things, home is found in words.  words in song, words in conversation, words on a page, the words the meld together out of my own creativity and thinking.  these words, they are my home.  if i am lucky, i will always have words.  putting words to page is so vastly important to me right now.  if i had to pick one thing i could do, spend 40 hours of my week invested in, it would be this: the typing of the keys, the putting pen to page, the filling up my tanks, and then letting out what needs to be said. 

it really doesn't matter to me the amount of readers...the act and art of writing is more about self-care and nurturing my creativity.  it is more about not going insane.  it is definitely not about perfection. 
i would rather be poor in money, but rich in words. 
writing is what i am committing myself to in 2015. 
my efforts thus far have been sporadic at best.  so now, i have a plan.  if home is where words are, then this is where i want to find myself as often as possible.  giving heart and attention to these words that ask and sometimes demand to be written down and spoken. 
if home is a place you find yourself every day for hours on end...
then writing is my true home//my life that is not in place or thing.