writing to change the world//bird by bird

"I did this for several years.  I wanted to be published so badly.  I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer.  Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work; you do not give up." ~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

"Writing and therapy are both about creating the conditions that allow us to take people to the mountain.  When people's breathing changes and their eyes fill with wonder, they will walk down that mountain ready to perform miracles." ~Mary Pipher, Writing to Change the World

There is something noble about those who can put pen to page and write something beautiful, meaningful, profound, funny, heart-wrenching, captivating, and mysterious.  I will never not be in awe of such individuals.  Their discipline and their imaginations, I envy.  

I am beginning to realize, or rather taste, the hard work that is writing.  The pull to write is inescapable.  It's like once you give in to it, it continually demands your attentive presence.  So, here I sit, writing, waiting for the words to come, often writing words I wish hadn't come.

I suppose I am even thankful for the words I wish hadn't come, because there have been so many seasons of life where there were no words at all.

I reread old drafts and wonder what on earth I was thinking when I wrote those words.  But they were words that filled up an important moment.

So I read, I listen to words as they are sung, spoken, prayed, and the most important words that are whispered...I replenish, I move, and quiet my soul, and then I write again.

Really, the writing is just for me.  At this point, it is just for me.  And I don't know if that is selfish or if it is kind to spare others of the words and stories that pour out.  I suppose for this season, the writing is for my soul.  And that is good.  The writing, I believe, is what God calls me to. 

Then I consider, what does it mean to my God, that I sit down and write everyday?

...

Will my writing change the world?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know that I care, either.

If the writing that pours forth from my fingertips changes one life, encourages one soul, then it means something beyond what it meant for me.

And for me, it is really something.
It is the writing that engages me with life.
With my own life.
My own living and breathing and thinking.

And that is something.
Because for a long time...I couldn't.

So I make sure I am attentive and engaged with this little life of mine, that has purpose and meaning, though I don't always see it.

But I'm here.
And while I am, I will write...hopefully about things that matter, for people who matter, for me, and unto Him.  Because all of that matters, quite a bit.  Amidst a world of chaos and catastrophe, amidst a life of sadness and joys, it is this small thing, this writing, that encourages in part the idea of pressing on.
And also knowing
it can do big things
in some form or fashion.

Big things that aren't found in the publishing or being known, but rather in the creation of conditions that allow us to go and take people to the mountain.

love your neighbor as yourself//getting over "me"

 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” ~Mark 12:31

the greatest of things that God calls us to, and how ridiculously i fail.

 simply because i am constantly consumed with me.  at any moment of any given day you will find me thinking about myself and my problems and my dreams and my discomforts and my searching for making my life better.

blech!  it sound's awful, but it's true.  i am so incredibly selfish.  i'm sickened by the amount of time and energy i spend on how i feel.  as i pour into God's Word more and more, i grow increasingly convicted by my "me" ways.

i need to get over it.  i need to remember that i am not the second, let alone first important thing in my life.

the more i think and meditate on His Word, the more I am inclined to think beyond me.

and it gets me thinking and living toward this idea of others.  it opens my mind and heart to a world other than me.

a world where others are hurting, and longing, and praying, and wondering, and asking, and are hungry and so desperately in need of hope.

this calling on our lives, this second most important thing we are implored to do is really not so hard.

"love your neighbor as yourself."

well, we know i love myself.  can i love another in a similar way?

i know i don't need to look far to find my neighbor.  to find someone in need of love, a big God-kind of love, those people are everywhere i turn.

am i loving them?

am i loving them in a way that doesn't scream, "look at me!"?

i'm so selfish, that when i am being loving or kind, somewhere inside of me i am hoping someone will see and notice and think about how great i am.

isn't it an awful kind of selfishness?  i get so involved in "me" that i can't even forget about myself when i am trying to love my neighbor as myself.  so, in all honesty, i recognize that i am so far from living out this "love your neighbor as yourself" thing.

but i think it's something i can do.

i want to be in a place where the only attention and approval i crave is from God Himself.

i want to care only about Him seeing what i am doing and knowing i only do what i do to please Him.

i want integrity and humility to be the words that define the essence of who i am.

i think i always thought these are the kind of things you just become when you decide to follow Christ wholeheartedly.

but in reality, like with anything, it takes work.  you have to go to school and be committed to hard work, diligent in classes and disciplined for years in order to earn that degree.

the same is true for becoming a professional, getting a tight bod, achieving excellence in any arena.  it takes dedication and hard work.  it moves beyond the decision to achieve and become these things.

there's work involved.  and thankfully, with the guidance, love, grace, and wisdom of the Good Teacher, it is possible.

the more i invest in a wholehearted pursuit of Him, the likelihood lessons that i am my first concern at any given moment.

and that is a good thing.  a very good thing.  because at this point in my life, i'm getting quite a bit sick of me and my supposed needs.  i am learning that i need less than i thought.  i am learning that when i look at my neighbor their needs are more important than mine.

so today i pray for my neighbor, the kaur, in indonesia. i pray for the ones across the world that suffer, the ones next door, and those that cross my path.  i pray that somehow, some way, today they experience God's love in a radical and intimate way.

wild geese//life so far//+the inevitable pressure of "and guest".

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

this poem has been hanging over my desk for years.  every time (which are fewer and farther between the longer it hangs there) I stop to read it, to really let the words seep into mind and heart, I notice and feel something new because the words seem to offer themselves in a different way.

"whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination..." 

 

today, these words sing to me.

i find camaraderie with their author and their meaning.

and i wonder what thoughts, emotions, life experiences, led her to pen such words.

"calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --"

it does indeed.  it calls.  it beckons, and my oh my, lately it seems a force to be reckoned with.

this is what happens.  july gets me thinking and wondering about where my year is going, and what my life has been so far in 2014.  half of which has passed and another half which awaits.

and i read this poem, and it reminds me about the life i am living.  it reminds me to feel the days i am in.  and i get pensive, and i begin to reflect.

this year started, wholeheartedly. 

and that theme has captured and catapulted many of my days into something great and something meaningful.

then, i turned thirty.

and i'll be damned if i say that 2014 and thirty haven't been good to me.

but there is something else there, that lingers not too far under the surface of the day to day, and the beautiful mundane.

is it discontentment or despair? 

whatever it is, it does not negate the hope for days to come.

but it's there...a sadness of sorts.

and sadness isn't so bad, because

while it seems 2014 has been at least in part a series of heartaches,

meanwhile the world does go on.

yes, it does spin on.  madly at times...but it spins. 

and sometimes in spite of the nature that is life...vanity of vanities...tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day... 

a series of heartaches, a season of sadness, a time of sorrow demands a response.

 today, i responded.

yesterday, came in the mail, yet another wedding invitation.  and that is exciting.  so many friends, finding the happiness that is found in and with another...it is a celebration, truly, to watch dear friends, stand up before their loved ones and vow lifelong committment unto the Lord and unto each other.

but then comes the dreaded "and guest" sigh.

when you're single, life can still be pretty good, despite what some may say.  i cannot complain.  i really cannot.  if all of my loved ones are healthy...then what can i really throw up my arms about?

but the possibility of something other than what i am and have weighs in heavy as of late.

it's hard to be attentive to and it is equally hard to ignore.

so many other good things, and new open doors, and exciting ventures have presented themselves.  and yet, under the surface, the pervasive longing bubbles.  

some days it jumps out at me and screams,

"look around, you're not the most important person to anyone! hahahahahaha!"

or worse yet,

"you are doomed to an abyss of alone, for-ve-er!!!!"

(said in a very squints from sandlot sort of way)

and then i'll snap out of it, not entirely unscathed, but able to recognize what is true and replace the horrid yelling lies with truth.  

but oh, no matter how many times i fight it, those nasty lies really like to pop up at the most inopportune times.

seeing "and guest" scribbled across an envelope next to your own name, as a single woman of thirty, is definitely one of those inopportune times.

because the voices, they came with a vengeance.  

and they pressed in heavy the whole next day. i waited for my morning coffee nervously, i overheard the insincere remark of a teenager referencing an unmarried 43 year old man as a loser and cringed, i walked through the grocery store eyeing every person i passed with growing speculation and curiosity, and then met up with girlfriends, all the while looking around, far too self-aware for my own good, surveying the scenes of life, wondering, could he be here?  

running through my mind all day: who is "and guest"?  does he exist?  is he looking for me?

and it wasn't until i got home, and sat down, and really breathed in and out, consciously for the first time all day, that i noticed the tension and stress i had put myself through, just because of two words.

so i read the poem again.

and i breathed in and out.

and i sat quietly.

and i realized...

if the big day rolls around, and it's just me...it will be okay.  singleness does not destroy me.  it does not crush me.  but it is the ever gentle and sometimes somewhat harsh reminder that i am alone.  and the older i get, the fewer there are of us, walking this life alone.  alone is merely in the sense of lacking a life partner in human form...which sounds scientific, but i don't mean it to.

because it's nice to have a pup to come home to, and a grandma who remembers who i am, and parents who still love and care for me, and friends that check on me, and wonderful, wise women who share their time and very best with me, and invite me to share in their biggest celebrations of life. 

and i know i am not alone.

i go to sleep alone.  and i wake up alone.  but in the aloneness, there is God who speaks life and love into me and the spaces of emptiness.  and that is enough.

"and guest" wasn't written to remind me of my aloneness in the world, but today it does.

it may not always.

maybe one day, "and guest" will bring a smile to my lips and a flutter to my heart.

maybe one day, "and guest" and i will speak our own vows in front of loved ones, and fill in the empty spaces that only we were meant to fill.

and i know that will be worth the wait.

and that, whether it happens or not, makes the empty spaces okay.

because the hope of heaven, and the knowledge of Him, makes the empty spaces okay.

 "...over and over announcing your place
in the family of things."