i take care of myself by...

1. listening to "head full of doubt/road full of promise" on repeat whenever i need it/want to.
2. visiting new cities.
3. reading the Bible out loud to myself.
4.  laughing hard and loud.
5. admiring the words of J.D. Salinger
6. sleeping with the windows open.
7. driving at night with a puppy on my lap.
8. watching movies in the morning.
9. taking naps in the late afternoon.
10. long bubble baths.
11. new pens.
12. youtube videos.
13. live music.
14. listening to waves.
15. daring honesty.
16. reading literature that makes me feel something.
17. treating bookstores like my own personal clubhouse.
18. falling in love with people who laugh about the same things i do.
19. think/speaking positively about myself.
20. running to nkotb*
21. figuring out what i think and believe before anyone else tells me what to think and believe.
22. not falling in love with men who are too obsessed with themselves.
23. talking to the Lord every hour of the day.
24. sipping coffee in the morning.
25. painting skies and birds.
26. making my bed everyday.
27. taking that phone call once in awhile.
28. telling people how special they are too me.
29. wearing flowery perfume.
30. buying dresses.
31. dancing when nobody's looking
32. crying when i need to.
33. having art in the bathroom.
34. sipping tea in the evening.
35. having a box of honey mustard pretzels under my bed.
36. watching new girl on a weekly basis.
37. having real talks with good girlfriends.
38. drinking a lot of water.
39. walks at dusk.
40. keeping lists.
41. remembering the good moments instead of reliving the bad ones.
42. sending personally embarrassing/funny texts at random times to wonderful people.
43. cooking goodies for others.
44. making mix c.d.'s.
45. creating art.
46. basking in creation.
47. perusing target at my leisure.
48. getting massages//pedicures//my hair did*
49. saving money.
50. splurging on ridiculously amazing concert tickets.

the fault in our stars.

it has been awhile since i have read something that has rendered me speechless.

few writers have the ability to twist and shape words in a way that speaks volumes of truth to human emotions and the human condition, as well as lays out love in such an effortless way that it is felt in its truest form.

i may not know or understand "in love" yet,  but something about this story gifted me with a piece of what that just might feel like.  and i've read a lot of love stories, and honestly, as epic and romantic as they may be, i never feel like, i really felt that love myself.  which really, as a reader, that's kind of what i'm looking for.  a good writer, writes in such a way that the reader can participate in the story.

i definitely don't like to give books and authors any undue praise or ridicule.  if it is great, it's great. if not, well then.  i always tend to rant and rave, and in the end it is just words, and everyone is going to have their own opinion, and my thoughts on the matter are probably not going to do much to change anyone's mind, and really it doesn't matter anyways.  so writing any sort of review on anything just feels like a misuse of time.

all of those words, are i guess to say, my disclaimer.  a disclaimer to myself,  that what i am about to write, is not a review, but rather an expression of emotion and feeling in the form of words, so as not to negate the meaning behind my first sentence.

because reading the fault in our stars, really did leave me speechless. i got swept up in an array of emotions, washed over in the sadness and the joy of love and death, of last words, and firsts, of purpose and meaninglessness, of fate and the dismal reality that we have very little control over much of what happens to us.  life was and is unfair.

one of the main aspects of this story was cancer.  because of the prevalence of cancer for some, a story like this might hit too close to home.  i kept thinking back to my aunt, and her lengthy, at times horrific battle with cancer.  the thing i appreciated about this book was that it didn't gloss over cancer, and that it didn't delve into deeply to the gory details.  however, it does paint enough of a picture that i found myself reading with tears streaming for the last half of the book.

i like that this was a story about teenagers with cancer falling in love, and exploring the meaning of life, as they are dying, knowing full well that they don't have a lengthy road ahead to fulfill a purpose and leave a legacy.

but still, there was meaning to be had, a legacy left behind, and love to be shared.  it really speaks hope to something.  and that's what good writing does.  no matter how crappy, unfair, and fault filled the world is, hope still speaks.  it can be found...somewhere.

on lent//on love.

every year about this time i get to thinking about what i might give up for the forty day season of lent.  i started observing lent when i was 16 years old.  i remember thinking my vow to give up soda & television was quite admirable.  however, by day three, i was ready to scratch wallpaper off the walls and scream bloody murder. i just couldn't do it.  well, the television part i barely managed, but the soda part...it just didn't work out so well.  my main source of sugar and caffeine during a particularly stressful time was difficult to avoid.  i realize now, looking back, just how vain my "lent attempts" were those first few years.  i honestly had no real concept of the authentic desire that should exist behind the sacrifice.  i just thought i should give up something i like to do on a daily basis and somehow it would magically make me a better person by thinking about God more and doing insert habit here less.  and it didn't.  the only thing it really taught me was to be less dependent on unconscious habits.  which is pretty much the obvious result.

so i got to thinking, what if lent was really about love?  what if behind the sacrifice lied an effort to love better?  to love the Lord better, and by default love myself better, and therefore, love others better?

i was at the store the other night speaking to one of the regulars and we were talking about the things that hold us back.  you know, those heavy weighted things that slow us down, and press in so hard that we can barely breathe sometimes.  he asked me what mine was and i said, "fear."  "no, but what is it really?" he pressed, saying he thought  we call too many things in our lives fear.  fear is the big blanket that many smaller things fall under and get lost in.  sure the root is fear, but what does fear act out as?  i pondered this for a moment. i looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.  "it just feels like fear."  he smiled at me.  "what if you could let go of self doubt?"  his comment visibly startled me.  how did this man, who knows me only as the maker of his latte, have me pinned down so well? though truly, i knew.  deep down i know.  it is the suppression i am so skilled at that fools me into thinking i am okay.   but it is self doubt that holds me back.  it is self doubt that whispers little lies, and sometimes even erupts like a volcano at the worst moments.  self doubt is that pervasive insecurity, that deep seeded false truth that tells me constantly, i'm not good enough, with a list of reasons covering a-z.

that took me years and years to figure out, and he knew it straight away from a few casual conversations. guess i'm not as good at faking it as i thought.

perhaps it is self doubt that hinders my effort to love, rather than, t.v. watching, or eating, or shopping, etc.  perhaps it is self doubt that drives me to shop, eat, or numb my mind in front of the television.  perhaps it is that blanket of fear that has kept me from identifying exactly what it was that holds me back.

maybe that's is what i will give up.  because i wholly believe letting go of self doubt means learning to love & trust God more.  letting go of self doubt means loving and accepting myself more.  and i really believe that the more i love and trust God, and the more i love and accept myself, the more love i will have to pour into others.

music monday.

every month i send music to my friend and one of my once faithful concert buddy.  she sadly now lives in a far off land, but our shared love of music has not died out.  lately i keep coming across great new finds that i get so ridiculously excited about.  (it doesn't take much.) and i just cannot wait to share them with her. this month's artist is Birdy.  she's is honest to heavens, incredible.

i discovered her through a collaboration with mumford and sons for the "brave" soundtrack.  the song, somehow i managed to love, in spite of the fact that it lacked any vocal accompaniment from the equally incredible and amazing marcus mumford.

when i pandora-d birdy, up came the most beautiful tunes, alongside other great artist such as, ingrid michaelson, florence welch, a fine frenzy, and regina spektor.  with comparisons to such ladies as these, i knew birdy was of a certain caliber.  and since purchasing her debut, i am nothing but pleased.  plus her covers are perfect.  i mean, perfect.

a february revolution//transformation

tomorrow begins a 2 month countdown to my first 5k run.  this is serious motivation for me to a)actually commit to running everyday and b)to focus on healthier eating/living a.k.a. cutting out excess sugar. yikes!

my dog turns 1 this month.  i cannot believe it.  who knew i could love this little thing so much?!

my vow to myself to read more books hasn't actually panned out yet.  however, february feels like a good month to actually do said reading.  starting with...

because john green is amazing.

this month i will bake and cook more.  after my january successes i am feeling motivated!

and i will try to maintain some semblance of a life, by working less, and seeing friends more. i will actually be intentional about making it to church every sunday,  i will take advantage of free admission tuesdays and visit more museums, i will have more unique dining out adventures (royal india, athena's cafe, kous kous, & amarin).  and I will take more time out for my little penny lane, taking her to new places, and out to make new friends.