moment of clarity.

i saw your name light up my cell phone at the bottom of my purse and my heart stopped.

my breath caught in my throat.

i quickly veered away from the crowd and rummaged around the book and the make-up bag, pushing all the other crap that i consistently carry around for no good reason, just to get to it...to you.

on the fourth ring i had answered.  and it was your voice.

my own voice so shaky as i tried to say hello and sound nonchalant.

did i?

you asked me how i was, and i said i was great.  but i didn't ask you.  because somehow i knew.

it didn't matter.  what you think and what i feel are so far from each other, i should have known.  i should have known all along.

you didn't want me.
not really, anyway.

you wanted only a piece.

you wanted to know if we could meet.

but for what? really?  what is it you want from me?

i am willing to give you more than a part.

but you won't take it.  you don't want it.  so why do you keep coming back for a piece?

it was in that moment, i realized.  i am done.  i am done taking your calls when you feel like calling.  i am done with you never taking mine. 

i am done.

i want to give more than a piece of me.  finally.  i really do.  and i don't want just a shadow of you, only a figment of something that is so much more.

i want all of you.

why do i always want, what i can't have?

if i can't have all of you, then i don't want any of you.

Out of Reach//A Book Review

Told through the eyes of Rachel, this story took me on a journey through the mostly unfamiliar beach cities I grew up around and vaguely introduced me to the world of meth. 

This story begins with a sister in search of her lost brother.  A brother who has chosen to be lost in some ways, and perhaps helplessly lost in other ways, into a world of drugs.  It turns out Micah, Rachel's older brother is most likely selling too and therefore is in way deeper than Rachel expected or fully understands.

Rachel cannot decide how she feels about her brother anymore.  There is the memory of a sweet Micah whom she grew up with.  Her flashbacks give us a glimpse of the typical good big brother.  That is to say, the kind of brother who looks out for his sister, and as they grow up, often treats her like a friend, with that special unspoken big brother pact, to always protect her.  Hence, beating up the jackass of an ex-boyfriend.

But the Micah, Rachel now knows is a Micah she thinks she might hate.  She is guilt ridden and trying to make peace with the fact that her brother is lost and maybe he cannot be found.  She is trying to maintain a place in her heartbroken family.  Rachel soon realizes as she searches for Micah, that maybe Micah doesn't want to be found, and maybe, in all reality, she doesn't want to find him either.  At least not this latter Micah.

She takes a short and seemingly simple trip with her brother's good friend and band mate Tyler.  Tyler also seems to be or rather become her unrealized crush.  Over the course of this road trip the two have been given the gift of time in close proximity to one another to realize their true feelings.

Overall, Out of Reach, is a worthwhile read.  I think it gives the reader the ending it deserves, rather than forcing something too contrived or seemingly perfect.  For its purposes Out of Reach gets real enough, without getting too real. 

making peace//striking a balance

i have spent a lot of my life not liking myself.  it's sort of heartbreaking when i really think about it.  and i had to really think about it when i had the opportunity to talk to a group of teenage girls about thinks like body image and relationships, etc.  i wasn't really sure if i had any wisdom to bring to the table.  frankly, girls that are 14-18 now are living in a very different world than i did at that age.  however, that isn't to say that any possibility of relating would be lost, it's just that my expectation going into this talk was that any wisdom, advice, and experience i had to share with them would be irrelevant to them.  because in many ways i live my life very differently than most women my age.  my thoughts on purity and modesty are rather extreme for many, but in reality, they are not all that extreme.  as for body image, where was i even to begin?  do i lie to them? or do i tell the painful truth? and then as i really began to ponder all of this "girl talk" i realized something significant. 

in the last few years, i've really begun to make peace with myself and my body.  and maybe in the past few months have i really begun to strike a balance that contributes to a healthier, more honest lifestyle in all respects.

the main thing i've been learning is to let go of being at odds with my body.  i could list a hundred plus things i dislike about my body, couldn't we all?  and yet, i find when i am regularly exercising and feeding my body with good things like greens, proteins, and other God given goodness, i like my body a lot more.  okay, maybe like is a strong word, but i more easily make peace with what i see when i am doing these "good" things.  but sometimes, doing good goes out the window, because i get busy or stressed or...and then i am unrelenting with my hatred towards my body and really myself, my whole person.  and it goes way beyond, the curves and cellulite.  it cuts right to the core of me.  why?  why do we do this to ourselves?  why is it when you're in line at the grocery store and you look at a magazine and you see...she lost a 100lbs and got her life back...30lbs in 30 days...how this actress changed her life by dropping weight...why do we put all of our value in how our bodies look? 

don't get me wrong, there is a deep correlation with bodily health and self confidence.  but it is not the end all or be all of it.  in many ways, we each have to decide for ourselves what defines our core values.  for some women, it will always be their weight, jean size, and overall look that defines their core value.  and that is sad.  it is sad that something so petty, meaningless, and changing, can define for them their beauty and significance.  we discussed this in our "girl talk".  the amazing thing is...these 14-18 year old girls of all shapes and sizes, of all different looks, seemed to get that. their value comes from something, from Someone so much bigger than this fat/skinny talk.

the thing i wanted these girls to get...what i want to get...is that cliché truth that we are more than our looks, that it is what's on the inside that counts, is in fact just so true.

guys and jean size cannot determine our value.

only One can.

only One does.

this is our starting place.  that's the decision we made.  when we get up each morning, when we look in the mirror each day, when terrible thoughts creep in and horrible feelings attempt to take over...take every thought captive...speak truth into the lies...only One can determine my value, my beauty, my self and He is truth, love, and good.  He is all things lovely, all things wonderful, and therefore, so am i.

beyond this beginning, learning to walk in the truth, it soon became about striking a balance in this whole intake of the world, what i eat, and how i function day to day.  we talked about this as the main factors in how we feel about ourselves at any given moment.

we desperately need to begin our days with truth.  we need to saturate ourselves in God's love and truth.  and as we press on from there, i strive to continue on my day with prayer and a conscious awareness of God's love and what He wants to speak to me, show me, have me do....

beyond that i'm beginning to discover what works for me, what lifestyle changes i need to make, and how i can live my day to day life feeling healthy and better about my self and therefore my body.

for me, that's staying away from gluten as much as possible.  it seems like a fad now, but truly there is so much research that shows that most of us have some sort of gluten intolerance if not more severe allergies.  i feel better when i don't eat gluten.  everything works better, and somehow i look better.

saying no to sugar is part 2. and definitely the hardest.  i'm addicted to anything with the quick hype sugar gives.  but in the long run i feel better when my sugar intake is next to nada.  saying no to soda, chocolate, and sugar in my coffee is the first steps to curbing this desire for me.

daily exercise has been a priority for me for the last five years...now it's about upping the ante a little.

mainly, i just want to lead an honest life.  i want to eat clean, i want to live clean.  that covers everything from the products i buy, the food i eat, to the thoughts i think.  lots of books have served to inspire these new and revived efforts.

Specifically...

The Honest Life by Jessica Alba
Gluten-Free Girl Everyday by Shauna James Ahern
Wheat Belly by William Davis M.D.

and a host of blogs that advocate healthy gluten free eating and healthy whole living.

my thoughts do not end here on these matters, but this is where i stand today.  my heart and prayer really goes out to the ladies.  not to say that men do not struggle with these issues.  but it is definitely different between the sexes.  i look forward to seeing how we grow as we embrace the truth and attempt to live it out!

twenty-nine//aspirations and inspirations

29.

I am not a big birthday person.  I don't like a lot of undue attention, nor do I feel that the simple act of turning a year older requires special celebration.  It is nice to be noticed and appreciated by those that love you and are glad you are a part of their lives, but beyond that, there is no need to add on to what is just a regular day for most others.  What birthdays are to me, are a more reflective kind of day. Birthdays are an occasion for me to mark growth and progress.  It is an ideal time to reflect on the year before, and plan for the one ahead...much like new years, except this one is personal, just for me.

It's hard to believe I've been here twenty-nine years.  Twenty-nine years old beginning this morning at 8:16am.  I don't really have much of a thoughtful reflection on twenty-eight to offer up at this moment.  Perhaps that shall come later.  Like with any year of life, twenty eight held its good and bad.  Twenty-eight taught me patience and joy.  It seems to me, for the first time, I felt life with both of my hands.  I learned how to carry joy and sorrow and hope and disappointment together, rather than forcing one to win over the other.  

I am endlessly grateful that twenty-eight brought me a job that has really served to launch my career.  And finally, after years of praying, laying all my hopes out before the Lord, and enduring many heartaches...just a few moments before my age officially transforms into a new number, I learn that this job of mine, this passion, this ministry will soon unfold into something bigger and better.

Praise God.

When I look at twenty-nine, I see a year of building my career, and gaining solid footing as a teacher, and more importantly helping in developing a successful International program for our school.

Beyond my career, I am looking for twenty nine to be the year I really begin to participate in life.  Up until now, almost this very moment, it seems my adult life has always been defined by many roles.  It was always either two part time jobs, or part time jobs and school, school and internships, etc.  Now, finally, I just have the one job.

Having only one job to focus on, in some ways gives me the luxury of time.  Time to...

say "Yes."  Just say yes.

I've spent so many years saying "no."  "No, I have to study."  "No, I can't, I have to work."   "No I shouldn't, it's my first night off in two weeks, and..."  Can I finally say, "Yes!"?  Yes, I can.  "Yes, let's see that movie tonight."  "Yes, I can go to church tomorrow morning."  "Yes, lets get away for the weekend."  "Yes!"

I'm inspired.

I have a summer vacation.  I have nights and weekends off, and I am feeling inspired.  I have space in my life, to sit down and write.  I have time on my calendar, to paint and create.  I am feeling inspired.

Finding my place.

I can finally be that person who can attend church regularly.  I can join a book club, I can take a photography class, and spend Saturday mornings perusing bookshops.  I can date.  I mean, really date.  I can be open.

My friends and family are of utmost importance.  I want to invest more of myself into them.
I can cook dinners any night I want.  I want to cook and bake, and bless others as a result.
On a daily basis, I want to feel hydrated, well rested, balanced, stretched and loose.
I want my life to be more purposely devoted to pursuing God, His Love, and His Truth.

I don't want to be at odds with myself anymore.  For someone who is extremely self critical, this might be the most difficult aspiration for twenty-nine.  Oh, but what a celebration thirty would be if I could truly overcome these battles of words and wills I have with me.
 
I think one of the most important relationships we have are the ones we have with ourselves.  I want to consistently get better.  I want to maintain positivity no matter my circumstances.  I want to learn to love myself better, so that I can love others better as a result.

We keep stressing a certain scripture at school, as we try to instruct the entire body, in how to love one another better.  I'll be honest, I often forsake this verse when reading this passage of scripture.  I tend to gloss over it as one of those verses I've heard so many times, so I must get it by now.

"Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. ³⁰ And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’³¹ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these."

The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.  So I guess to sum up, I want 29 to be the year, I learn to love God with all my heart, love myself better, and therefore, love others better.