21 February 2011
music joy. part two.
sounds like hallelujah.
I’m just waiting on the sun
To close his eyes and call the night
So we can put all our differences aside
I’m just waiting on the moon
With all the stars and all it’s gloom
We can watch it fall right back into place
So I won’t keep myself around
Just to keep you warm
Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men
Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men
I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
And I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you
I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
I’m singing hallelujah for the first time
choosing joy.
I originally began this post on Christmas Eve and never published it. But looking upon it now I find it fitting to add to today's post. For awhile now I've set before myself the task of choosing joy. I call it a task because often it proves quite difficult to live with true authentic joy. Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it, and sometimes we can't even do that. I have one friend who holds me accountable to this task of choosing joy. She struggles with the same elements of it that I do and that is probably because our lives are quite similar. I mention this because I find that accountability is salient for a feat such as this. Live in and with joy at all times. What has instigated and aided this fervent desire within me is the reading of this book.
I know I've blogged about reading this book before. It has taken me months to get through it, and today I finally finished. The reason it took so long was because it was simply a book I needed to chew slowly and process unhurriedly. I struggled with much of it because it spoke to my heart so deeply. In fact nothing has ever spoken to the depths of my heart like this book. I want to share what the last pages spoke to my heart:
Spiritual growth has no boundaries. It is tough, tough, tough! But in waiting there is wonder...a tough sacred wonder. Once divine compassion wakes us and stretches out its tender arms inside of us, we are never the same again. We are compelled to suffer with, wait with, cry with those around us. We want to relieve their pain as much as we are able. Jesus was walking, talking compassion. When we really live our True Self, we become that as well. We become Christ. We show an uncanny interest in the poor, the excluded, the despised and the least. The coming of the true self tosses us into the wreckage of the world and asks us to bind up what wounds we can and do our small part to recreate a planet of community and justice, where there is fullness of life for everyone. Today welcome the Voice that bids you, me, us to come to the edge. Welcome the gentle push of God, who is both our wings and the wind that bears them up.
This reminded me of what I experienced on Christmas Eve. What God spoke to my heart. So I revisited it today...
Christmas Eve 2010. This year's Christmas is turning out to be just another ordinary Christmas. It is not overly wonderful and there is certainly nothing terrible about it. If anything it is just about the same as it is every year. Every year I anticipate and expect something miraculous and magical to happen and every year it turns out to be pretty ordinary. However, I shouldn't belittle my experience this holiday any because truly the most important thing that could happen, happened. Last night I went to the Christmas Eve Eve service at Journey. It has been awhile since I've attended a church service. I think I felt uncomfortable going back to Journey for several reasons, none of which had to do with the church itself. I was reminded yet again last night why it is I go to Journey. Journey is a church where I feel like I can be myself. Everything about that church is compatible with who I am. In all my years of church going I have never found a church that I can so feel at home with. God speaks to me when I am there...always, without a doubt. He speaks. He spoke to me last night. LOUD AND CLEAR. I think He has been telling me the same thing over and over and over and over, it's just that I can't seem to get it yet. I let myself get too busy, too overwhelmed, to numb, to angry, too sad, and then I shut down and shut Him out, and tell Him that I don't want to hear it anymore. But He got me to church last night. He got me in that seat. He opened my eyes, my heart, my ears, my soul, to hear, to listen, to process and absorb. And now, it is all clear.
Jennifer, the dog days are over. I am not indifferent to your pain. I long for you to experience joy. I sent my Son Jesus in the form of a baby to live life on earth so that you could ultimately know my Joy. I care about your joy. You are not invisible to me. I see you. I care about you. Your heart will be restless until you find rest in Me. In Me you will find fullness of joy. Your heart will be satisfied. Seek Me. Say Yes to Me! I will show myself to You! What do I require of you?
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8
Joy seems less difficult with these gentle heartfelt reminders that bring tears to my eyes and calm to my soul. I wish I didn't struggle and fret so. I wish that I would choose to rest in Him, and to seek Him first every moment of each day. Not because I feel I have to, because in all reality that is my true desire that struggles to reign freely and first. The desire for my vices reigns strongly too. They take me to places I wish I'd never go. But He always brings me out...victoriously! Lord, let these wishy washy ways become less frequent as I wake each day with the desire and intent to choose You...to choose Joy. I want to live in my heart home, where joy reigns. Keep me there and cause me to bring others there too as much as I am able.
I know I've blogged about reading this book before. It has taken me months to get through it, and today I finally finished. The reason it took so long was because it was simply a book I needed to chew slowly and process unhurriedly. I struggled with much of it because it spoke to my heart so deeply. In fact nothing has ever spoken to the depths of my heart like this book. I want to share what the last pages spoke to my heart:
Spiritual growth has no boundaries. It is tough, tough, tough! But in waiting there is wonder...a tough sacred wonder. Once divine compassion wakes us and stretches out its tender arms inside of us, we are never the same again. We are compelled to suffer with, wait with, cry with those around us. We want to relieve their pain as much as we are able. Jesus was walking, talking compassion. When we really live our True Self, we become that as well. We become Christ. We show an uncanny interest in the poor, the excluded, the despised and the least. The coming of the true self tosses us into the wreckage of the world and asks us to bind up what wounds we can and do our small part to recreate a planet of community and justice, where there is fullness of life for everyone. Today welcome the Voice that bids you, me, us to come to the edge. Welcome the gentle push of God, who is both our wings and the wind that bears them up.
This reminded me of what I experienced on Christmas Eve. What God spoke to my heart. So I revisited it today...
Christmas Eve 2010. This year's Christmas is turning out to be just another ordinary Christmas. It is not overly wonderful and there is certainly nothing terrible about it. If anything it is just about the same as it is every year. Every year I anticipate and expect something miraculous and magical to happen and every year it turns out to be pretty ordinary. However, I shouldn't belittle my experience this holiday any because truly the most important thing that could happen, happened. Last night I went to the Christmas Eve Eve service at Journey. It has been awhile since I've attended a church service. I think I felt uncomfortable going back to Journey for several reasons, none of which had to do with the church itself. I was reminded yet again last night why it is I go to Journey. Journey is a church where I feel like I can be myself. Everything about that church is compatible with who I am. In all my years of church going I have never found a church that I can so feel at home with. God speaks to me when I am there...always, without a doubt. He speaks. He spoke to me last night. LOUD AND CLEAR. I think He has been telling me the same thing over and over and over and over, it's just that I can't seem to get it yet. I let myself get too busy, too overwhelmed, to numb, to angry, too sad, and then I shut down and shut Him out, and tell Him that I don't want to hear it anymore. But He got me to church last night. He got me in that seat. He opened my eyes, my heart, my ears, my soul, to hear, to listen, to process and absorb. And now, it is all clear.
Jennifer, the dog days are over. I am not indifferent to your pain. I long for you to experience joy. I sent my Son Jesus in the form of a baby to live life on earth so that you could ultimately know my Joy. I care about your joy. You are not invisible to me. I see you. I care about you. Your heart will be restless until you find rest in Me. In Me you will find fullness of joy. Your heart will be satisfied. Seek Me. Say Yes to Me! I will show myself to You! What do I require of you?
He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8
Joy seems less difficult with these gentle heartfelt reminders that bring tears to my eyes and calm to my soul. I wish I didn't struggle and fret so. I wish that I would choose to rest in Him, and to seek Him first every moment of each day. Not because I feel I have to, because in all reality that is my true desire that struggles to reign freely and first. The desire for my vices reigns strongly too. They take me to places I wish I'd never go. But He always brings me out...victoriously! Lord, let these wishy washy ways become less frequent as I wake each day with the desire and intent to choose You...to choose Joy. I want to live in my heart home, where joy reigns. Keep me there and cause me to bring others there too as much as I am able.
13 February 2011
all things loved.
my blogging habits have been very poor these days. in fact, i am not certain i've ever had excellent blogging habits. i think this mainly lies in the fact that my blogging tends to fall all over the place without really having a specific purpose. in considering this, i decided to make a list of those things that i love that might enhance this somewhat purposeless blog, seeing as how i have managed to hold onto it for three years now.
when it comes to reading other people's blogs i tend to follow those who write about the spiritual life, home decor, fashion, crafts, and teaching or writing. now i love all these things, but consider myself less than an expert in most of them. in fact i don't really consider myself an exceptional expert of anything. however, i have an insatiable interest in music and books. i love movies and my dvd collection is ridiculous...and i love, love, love making rather silly art projects that are more akin to something a five year old would produce rather than a mature twenty something.
because this blog is about dreams i always figured it would just be a chronicle of my life and the pursuit of my dreams. but because that has turned out to be less than interesting, i thought why not write about things that are exciting and interesting. however, that still may mean that i will continue to be the only reader of this blog:) but still, today i begin with this post entitled: all things loved.
since the holiday of love is just around the corner, it only seems fitting to write about something that i love dearly. now first let's get a few things straight. i am not in love, nor have i ever been. and yes i used to feel like my life lacked something because i was not in love or have ever really been close. we could get into all my neuroses and really investigate why that is, but i prefer to for now just say that love is not in the air for this girl. i won't fill this blog with lies and say that i do not want to eventually one day find love, but to be perfectly honest i am in no hurry. don't be deceived though, that sense of unhurriedness does not mean that i don't feel any pressure to find someone. i just don't ever want to do it for the wrong reasons. truly i'm the kind of girl that can contentedly be alone for a good part of the time. in fact, i think there is something to it that a lot of other people miss out on because they are too afraid to be alone. i often find myself liking the parts of life and stories before the girl or guy meets his/her guy or gal. often times life seems swell as a single person, and only much more dramatic and shaky when that "perfect" someone enters the picture, and that isn't to say that love can't be a joyous adventure. i perhaps like the advice best that i draw from an extremely wise source better known as the diary of bridget jones. i will not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete with no boyfriend. (it must be added that this is best way to obtain boyfriend.)
so as i am currently a twenty something singleton with no single man remotely in sight, my heart instead for the time being and perhaps forever, belongs to a group of twenty five men, give or take a few, better known as my favorite baseball team, the san diego padres. for now these men have my heart and utmost affection :) and to celebrate the holiday of love, i spent my saturday with thousands of others and two dear friends at Fanfest. after spending eight hours at one of the nicest ballparks in the country i find that i am once again totally in love with the team this year. i know i say it every year, but i have the deepest unwavering faith, and perhaps am also a glutton for disappointment, but i think these boys can pull it out this year, and find themselves...dare i speak it, or rather write the sacred words...at the World Series! while i wait for the season to take full swing, i will tide myself over with the memories.
Beyond love for all things baseball, and the San Diego Padres...I loved making cute valentine's for my lovely dear friends this year!
when it comes to reading other people's blogs i tend to follow those who write about the spiritual life, home decor, fashion, crafts, and teaching or writing. now i love all these things, but consider myself less than an expert in most of them. in fact i don't really consider myself an exceptional expert of anything. however, i have an insatiable interest in music and books. i love movies and my dvd collection is ridiculous...and i love, love, love making rather silly art projects that are more akin to something a five year old would produce rather than a mature twenty something.
because this blog is about dreams i always figured it would just be a chronicle of my life and the pursuit of my dreams. but because that has turned out to be less than interesting, i thought why not write about things that are exciting and interesting. however, that still may mean that i will continue to be the only reader of this blog:) but still, today i begin with this post entitled: all things loved.
since the holiday of love is just around the corner, it only seems fitting to write about something that i love dearly. now first let's get a few things straight. i am not in love, nor have i ever been. and yes i used to feel like my life lacked something because i was not in love or have ever really been close. we could get into all my neuroses and really investigate why that is, but i prefer to for now just say that love is not in the air for this girl. i won't fill this blog with lies and say that i do not want to eventually one day find love, but to be perfectly honest i am in no hurry. don't be deceived though, that sense of unhurriedness does not mean that i don't feel any pressure to find someone. i just don't ever want to do it for the wrong reasons. truly i'm the kind of girl that can contentedly be alone for a good part of the time. in fact, i think there is something to it that a lot of other people miss out on because they are too afraid to be alone. i often find myself liking the parts of life and stories before the girl or guy meets his/her guy or gal. often times life seems swell as a single person, and only much more dramatic and shaky when that "perfect" someone enters the picture, and that isn't to say that love can't be a joyous adventure. i perhaps like the advice best that i draw from an extremely wise source better known as the diary of bridget jones. i will not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete with no boyfriend. (it must be added that this is best way to obtain boyfriend.)
so as i am currently a twenty something singleton with no single man remotely in sight, my heart instead for the time being and perhaps forever, belongs to a group of twenty five men, give or take a few, better known as my favorite baseball team, the san diego padres. for now these men have my heart and utmost affection :) and to celebrate the holiday of love, i spent my saturday with thousands of others and two dear friends at Fanfest. after spending eight hours at one of the nicest ballparks in the country i find that i am once again totally in love with the team this year. i know i say it every year, but i have the deepest unwavering faith, and perhaps am also a glutton for disappointment, but i think these boys can pull it out this year, and find themselves...dare i speak it, or rather write the sacred words...at the World Series! while i wait for the season to take full swing, i will tide myself over with the memories.
Pitchers!
Loved his fedora!
Infielders!
The team that almost did it, the year I was born! I was destined to be a fan.
If I can make anything with owls you better believe i will do it! :)
03 February 2011
reflecting.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Albert Camus
It is hard to believe my journey as student teacher is over. it is even more difficult to believe that we are already a month into 2011. I am amazed and proud that I made it through so far. my last day as student teacher was bittersweet. I had such fear and dreadful expectations when it all began. Little did I know I would come out of it all actually wanting to be a teacher :) my students wrote me letters and drew me pictures, and offered hugs and tears. I was beyond touched. who knew all this time i was actually making a difference in their lives?!
but now here i am, at the beginning of february with actual time and space all around me. i've been able to think. i've been taking long walks, i am reading good books, and creating art. life deserves so much more than busy rushed days that can barely handle all of our to-do's. for february i am focusing upon relaxing as much as i can. i want to commune with God in his creation. i want to sit with friends and engage in authentic conversations. i want to laugh and smile. i want to help where i can, and be in the moment always.
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