i can't sleep...

i've turned into a night owl, which is odd, because staying up late into the early morning hours is not how God wired me.  I am certainly an individual who prefers to be in bed early and awake early. however, working nights doesn't really allow for that. so hear i sit, logged on to my laptop, sitting atop my plush bed, with an aged snoring kitty at my side, wide awake, at 1:51am.


i wish i could talk to someone right now.  i've had so much flowing through my head and weighing on my heart lately but there never seems to be the right person to share with, or the right time to do so.  i've learned to get by without the luxury of close friendships, but that doesn't mean i don't ache for it.  i've learned that i am stronger than i think i am.  God has blessed me with amazing coping skills.  in the last few weeks, i have cried so much, over so many different things.  tears shed because of personal woe and wounds, and tears shed for people and things so outside my little world, but they still seem to affect me so deeply.  crying is therapeutic.  as much as it isn't enjoyable in the moment, the outpour of tears really cleanses the body and soul.  but in all these tears, in all this wounded-ness i can never seem to let go of hope. and love. i humbly bow my knees and thank God for His gracious lovingkindness to allow me the strength and courage to hold onto hope and consistently feel and rest in conscious awareness of his love.


the state of this world and the majority of the people in it really scare me.  everyone seems to be so lost.  it saddens me, because they don't even know it...nor do they care.  i long for just one dependable person to have in my life, one person committed to Christ, committed to trusting Him, and striving to live obediently.  gosh, i know i falter in this, but still strive to press on, pressing into Him.  it gets lonely sometimes.  no one cares.  everyone is willing to compromise, to settle, to turn their backs.


there are so many lies, so many temptations circling around me everyday. i know i am not alone in this.  we need to put on the full armor of God everyday to combat these enemies.  i don't want to be discouraged.  i feel encouraged, even in these feelings of alone-ness.  God is with me, and that is more than enough.  I know He can heal my wounds, but healing is not instantaneous.  I know He can comfort my loneliness but comfort doesn't always come immediately.  and that is okay.  I know I can bring Him my struggles because He cares. He carries the burdens. I can rest.  We can rest.  Let's trust Him, and live life like we do.