the hero of this tale...

"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." ~Leo Tolstoy

i don't like making decisions. my friends might refer to me as indecisive. however, i like to fancy myself a great decider when it comes right down to it. however, deciding where to eat, or which belt goes best with my navy blue dress, or the best movie time for a date with my nana is a heck of a lot different from decisions such as: should i take that job??? move across the country???? end this relationship????? pursue an unknown, unsure path??????? everyone from the outside looking in says, "yes". a whole hearted, "yes." no hesitations, no second guessing, just, "yes". it's funny how free wheeling we are with advice when it is not our problem. how often do we really consider what the other is going through? i know i fail frequently. but these are my decisions. i think about them, i make them, and more than anyone else they affect me. i know what i want, and then i don't. i change my mind. then i change it back. i make a decision, and then i wonder if i did the right thing. God knows what I want to do. i know i want to, at least a big part of me does...i think. and i do mean God knows in the most sincere sense, because He does. He knows me. He knows my future. one of the many mantras i hold dear and remind myself of from time to time is i don't know what the future holds but i know who holds my future. and i take great comfort in that. truly, i do. but sometimes the way i act, the way i think, doesn't reflect that that i am truly entrusting my unknown future, and my somewhat shaky present to an omniscient, always loving God. today, my heart is broken. i've walked through this past week breaking down at the slightest of things. a differing opinion, an encouraging word, a misunderstanding, a desperate plea, guilt, and fierce love. i am heartbroken over my relationships, over the state of my job situation, over dear friends lost, and dear friends close, over my always ever changing deep flowing desires, over my work defined past, upon my future unknown, and the indecision that plagues my soul. tears threaten to race down my cheeks as i type these words. however, as i finally put some sort of voice to all these hysterical thoughts, fears, feelings, and worries pent up so tightly inside of me it begins to feel as though i am stepping into some sort of freedom. and though i continue to sit in confusion and brokenness, i find hope in the longing to finally lay it all down, and let it go. i'm letting go. i'm letting go. these thoughts, fears, and worries are not mine to carry on my own. there is a hero to this tale. there is a patient and loving voice that informs my great distress. i contemplate him in his hours of great distress, sweating drops of blood, as he agonized before his Father over his fate. His fate that he accepted because of love. love for me. love for you. and suddenly, my decision doesn't seem to be the all encompassing, life or death, kind of thing i've made it out to be. my fears and worries don't seem suffocating anymore. they're still there, but they don't hold the same power. they are His too.