A New Year.

transformation...is the word.
to be bold (extra bold)...is the ambition.
to matter...is the hope.
happening...is the theme.
to fall deeper in love with jesus...is the dream.
to be open...is the goal.

welcome 2010.

what will your verse be?

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?-John Keating (Dead Poet's Society)

selfishness to selflessness.

Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speech-making. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn't need to know that... But I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
See, if i were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia.

Okay, I would be lying if I said I still didn't heart princess diaries in that teenage girl way, where you kinda wish someone would come along and just be like, "oh yeah, you're a princess." This whole speech Anne Hathaway's character gives at the end of the film popped into my mind as I was journaling and reflecting upon the past year, and brainstorming over 2010. I mean I think we can all relate to the sentiment she is expressing here:

But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.

yeah, totally convicted. All of my reflection, all of my planning, all of my dreaming and scheming, hoping and wishing, all of it is about me. What I want, how I feel, when I want it, how I want it to happen, where I want to have it, what I think I so desperately need, never factoring in, you. And You. You, them, and you. It's always me. and I wonder why I am constantly drying up, and feeling so utterly drained by life? hmmm...cause it's all about me?
If my life involved more others-thinking...wow, I can't even begin to imagine the possibilities. Sometimes our careers, professions, ministries, etc. are all about other people. However, we can still so easily be me-focused in the midst of that.

I encounter people everyday who are only out for themselves, never thinking of or considering another soul, and frankly it is completely unappealing! Rather heinously unattractive.

I am not entirely sure where to begin. I just know that I don't want to be stuck in this me-ness. It's messy and lonely here.
Thinking about others, realizing there out there moment by moment, I suppose that's a good starting place...
i'm feeling that 2010 is going to be about transformation. perhaps transformation will come in shapes and forms I could never imagine for myself. i'm letting go and taking myself out of #1.

renewing...

Psalm 51:10~"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."

i like this definition of renewal--the conversion of wasteland into land suitable for use of habitation or cultivation. it's sort of a good way of explaining what this year has been like.

i want to be renewed. i've been made new, but the world, sin, and lies can corrupt that newness.

simply put '09 has been a struggle. struggle has its negative connotation, but there is always something positive to be derived from a struggle.

through the deepest doubts, the firmly rooted lies, and the pain planted in my veins, renewal became a necessity. i needed more than healing. change at some place must happen, or else nothing is ever really healed, and no growth can happen. becoming and evolving is an impossibility.

thankfully God moves and acts on our behalf, even when we do not know exactly what we need. sometimes i feel like i am just lying there, staring into space, drooling on myself, in utter despair not knowing where to go, what to do, or how to keep pressing on.

i get stuck listening to the critics, to the complainers, to that side of me, that false me that says i'm no good, that everything i do is wrong, and that i have nothing to offer...to anyone. the more i tell myself this, the more i listen, the more it becomes truth, indoctrinated in the depths of my soul.

that's when renewal of mind, heart, and soul becomes a necessity...and in abandonment of old ways, renewal becomes a reality.

christmas.

so humbly thankful for the gift of Jesus' life on earth, the model of it, the wonder of it, the love in it, the forgiveness and grace it brings to us all. love christmas for its great reminder and space to focus in on such gracious gifts.

inside of a december dream...

while i sit in the inbetween, living inside this winter dream, on a december day, i know you aren't far away.

thank you for saying hello.
thank you for hugging me.
thank you for helping me.
thank you for wanting me.
thank you for including me.
thank you for seeing me.
thank you for listening.
thank you for noticing.
thank you for believing.
thank you for thinking of me.
thank you for honesty.
thank you for believing in me.
thank you for hoping with me.
thank you for lauging.
thank you for singing.
thank you for loving.
thank you for being.
thank you for choosing me.
thank you for dreaming.
thank you.

Eventually...

Eventually. It's my new favorite word. Everything comes, everything happens, everything ends, everything begins...eventually.

Eventually offers some hope, and some relief.

Eventually comes after an especially long delay. "Finally!" We cry!

Eventually the flower blooms.
Eventually the seasons change.
Eventually we meet again.
Eventually time will heal the pain.
Eventually, we will...
we can...
it will...
it can...
eventually.

it'll happen...

but it hasn't happened yet, i'm not gonna let you get, ahead of yourself. it's your achilles heel.

and i'm not gonna hold my breath...

GRACE!

mmm...grace.

unconditional unmerited undeserved grace.

I loved this song they sang tonight in church. beautifully honest.
credit goes to switchfoot of course.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

this truth resonates in my heart and soul.
this is the battle. it's so hard to not walk around ashamed, masking pain, masking the mess that is me. i am awake to the pain of not being able to control my life the way i thought i could. i am always trying to fix everything, cover up the symptoms, manage the sin. i am so humbly grateful that grace does not depend on me or anything i can do, but solely on a faithful always loving God. Grace destroys my toxic thinking. Grace neutralizes sin's power. God is not ashamed of who i am.

Truth, Grace. Let it reign Lord. Reign Lord.

something wonderful.

thank you God for this most amazing dream.

thank you God for dreams unfoldings into realities.

thank you God for majestic beauties that nourish & inspire.

But we humans are most alive when we passionately pursue our dreams, live with purpose, and have a sense of destiny. We thrive when we are optimistic about the future. Bottom line: we cannot live the life of our dreams without an irrational sense of destiny. And all of us have dreams. More than that, all of us need dreams. Some of us sadly are just sleeping through them.

~Erwin Mcmanus

sunday thoughts.

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. ~Khalil Gibran



If I could find a way, you and i would drive that road, to another place... but this is home, and it's not always that easy.

There is an open world out there and we are just wandering through it, with closed eyes and with closed hearts that are bruised and wounded.

The past is in the past and the future has yet to happen.

All we have is this present moment, to live what we aspire...to live what we dream.

How am I doing that today? In this very moment?

Thank you Lord, for the encouragement of Your Living Breathing Words...

1 Corinthians 15:50-58~

I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

55 “Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

2 Corinthians 5:9-10

9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

radiohead makes my day better :)

favorite song...beautiful video!


All I Need
I'm the next act
waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
trapped in your hot car
I'm all the days
that you choose to ignore
You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
lying in the reeds
I am a moth who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you
Because there are no others
You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
lying in the reeds
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all, It's all...

grateful...

interestingly enough, in looking for things i am truly grateful for over the thanksgiving holiday, i was surprised by what i discovered as i journaled in gratitude to the Lord.
here is what my thankful list came out as:
i'm thankful for...
life lessons that come in many different shapes and forms,
the knowledge and skills i have been blessed to acquire and grow,
the blessings of health and a loving family. though too i am grateful for family that i am consistently challenged to love.
the blessings of friends.
the beauty of creation. the moon in the night sky. the stars. birds and trees.
for laughter.
for wealth. never wondering where i will get my next...
the ability to go outside and move everyday.
the gentle and strong reminders that everyone is different.
for sadness...& for a pensive spirit, for this I am thankful, because this is what draws me to my loving Father's arms. this is what brings calm and inspiration. this is what promotes me to constantly lean on my All in All. This is what brings me to peace and frees me from fear and anxiety.

and I'm thankful for...

"We ought to give thanks for all fortune: it is good, because it is good, if bad, because it works in us patience, humility and the contempt of this world and the hope of our eternal country" --C.S. Lewis

there is truly so much to be thankful for. i was a little discouraged as i looked over previous posts, and reviewed the direction of my journal entries over the past couple of months, only to find that i have been quite the negative person. i in no way purpose to view life in a glass half empty sort of way, nor do i see myself as someone who dwells in the turmoil of life rather than the joys. i do however, stand convicted. my heart has been far from joy and gratitude. i cannot blame circumstances. circumstances don't determine my feelings and responses. i always have the ability to choose how i will respond/deal with what befalls me, or what i walk into.

thanksgiving reminds us to be grateful, to give thanks. i think we tend to get really general with our thanks, but this year i want to get really specific about it, so as not to gloss over anything. for the next 24 hours or so, with my journal close by, i'm gonna get specific about my gratitude. i think the results will shift those overall negative feelings that have seemed to encompass my thinking and living.

God, guide hearts to You this Thanksgiving. May we remember that we are, all we have that is good and wonderful, is from and of You! You deserve the gratitude and praise. May our hearts beat, may our bodies live, and our souls yearn to offer you praise and thanks!

I miss you...

God comfort those in grief, lost in loneliness and despair.

Giving Up

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

so sings ingrid, so says i.

lately i feel just overwhelmed. i want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. i never want to leave the house, i just want to be alone. sort out my thoughts...i feel like there are few places i can go and really feel ok. church feels safe...even work feels ok...there i can shut off and just be in work mode...but everywhere else? i just feel like giving up because its too hard. im giving up on something more. i'm too scared. i don't want to be scared. i wish i could be confident. i wish i could just run at full force and feel ok. i don't want to accept less than. less than...simply acceptance of the reality. what happened to dreaming?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

keep me here

i am not certain of much. i am certain of this.
today is beautiful.
i am sitting in the center of my room on the hardwood floor.
the first offish day i've had in awhile.
mindy is singing softly in the background.
i find the fear and chaos that has gripped my heart lately, slowly slipping away from me.
i am breathing slowly and deeply.
i am feeling him draw me in once again.
where have i been?
why did i leave?
why is it so easy to slip away, slide into the silky black sea, only to get lost in panic when darkness envelops me.

i am emerging once again. gracious he draws me out and into him. here i sit breathing calmly again. don't let go...don't let go.

tears fall freely now. keep me here...keep me here




i need peace of mind and a hopeful heart to lose this rage and move out of the dark. i am looking for rainbows and shooting stars, i need peace of mind and a lullaby. there is an angry voice in my head tonight telling me to do things that can't be right. i need peace of mind and a lullaby. and a miracle for this broken soul. i need peace of mind and a gentle hand as i try to change the way i am and i hope God forgives me when i can't.

~thought for the day~

Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability. -Roy L. Smith

Where might discipline lead me today?

Practicing His Presence...

God has delighted my soul today. It is a lovely morning! Thinking of all the beauty I've encounted this week, takes me back to our morning in Julian last weekend.

This is the soul encouragement for the day, a few more words from Brother Lawrence!

That we ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed. That we should not wonder if, in the beginning, we often failed in our endeavors, but that at last we should gain a habit, which willnaturally produce its acts in us, without care, and to our exceeding great delight.

from there to here

there's where i've been.
in the pit. it was a place of self-loathing. there is where i could hate myself. there is where i had nothing to offer to anyone. there is where no one would have to look at me, think of me, encounter me, deal with me. there is where i wanted to be, where i thought i needed to be. there is where i thought i best be to keep God from me, as well as, everyone else. If I saw/thought/felt/believed there is where I should be, so must EVERYONE else. i was in the pit. the pit of despair, the pit of selfishness, the pit of tears, the pit of lostness, the pit of loneliness, the pit of darkness.

GOD lifted me out of it. God loved me out of it. God drew me out of it. God wooed me out of it.

The pit exists, but i no longer reside there.

here is where i am.

God loves me here. (God loved me there too, I just didn't see it when I was there) I'm learning to love being here...to love me here. Here is where love resides. God's love overwhelms, and here is where others are loved too.

here is where i want to stay.

style icon (part 2)

yep zooey again...i love it!

autumn-ish

the season of fall begins in less than a week! so, i've been compiling my fall music playlists...my favorite kind of music, and so far i am incorporating a lot of the music that made the fall of 2008 so great.

so i hope for new great music this fall! :)

but so far i'm loving:
Vanessa Carlton-come undone
Rachel Griffin-random thoughts
Erin Mccarley-gotta figure this out
Marie Digby-unfold
Mirah-promise
Coldplay-amsterdam
K.S. Rhoads-dark hotel
Mat Kearney-renassiance
Sia-breathe me
Go Set Go-i hate everyone
Ben Lee-birds and bees
Bach-brandenburg concerto #3
Nickel Creek-everything they've ever done:)
Dido-the old stuff:)
Dave Matthews-the solo stuff!
The Cure-the popular stuff
various autumish movie soundtracks and scores
i.e. becoming jane, little women, you've got mail...

Surrender

when i was younger, maybe around seventeen years old, i remember really grappling with the concept of "surrender." I wondered how it worked, what it looked like in real life...my life...any life. having attended a christian high school i remember singing a worship song to the Lord during chapels in which over and over we sung the words, "i surrender, all to You..." i never really understood what i was singing. i either took it to far, or perhaps not far enough.

did surrender mean not caring about those things that always plagued me? worry, insecurity, money, the future, etc...or was it relinquishing control over things such as finding a mate, figuring out a career path, or who my friends should be?

how could/can i know?

Jesus' life was surrendered to God. How do I know that? Well, when I read the gospels, I see that all He did, what He said, how He lived was all in loving obedience to God, completely surrendered to His Father's will, even when it meant suffering the worst human suffering imaginable.

How do I get my life to grasp that extent of surrender?

For me, surrender, was always about finding some sort of fixed formula. for example, to truly surrender your life, you must...and then there'd be a check list of some kind. but i've realized lately it is something that really happens from a changed heart.

it evolves from growing deeper in love with the Lord.

now more than ever i long to live a life that is wholly about loving and obeying God! This world is growing so wicked...sometimes, actually, almost always it is so plain to see. i tend to get so fixated on some hope for my life on this earth, like if I could just have this job, or if i could just travel to this country, or if i could just marry this person, or maybe if i had this much money, then i'd be...what? happy? satisfied? complete?

No! None of that will satisfy my soul, nor the innermost longings of my heart.
My heart beats for Jesus.

Surrender is being so far removed from the anger, bitterness, and resentment that once clouded the eyes of my heart.

it is resting in His love and grace.

God, please keep me here, how my heart longs to actively stay here with You!

thirty things.

it had to go on the list.
thirty things before i am thirty must include seeing the dave matthews band live! what wonder and joy that would bring to my life.
until the opportunity presents itself, I will drive in my truck and put on Before These Crowded Streets and listen to Crush and pretend Dave is in the car serenading me.

a girl can dream...

enjoy :)

thus ending a series focused on prayer...today we looked at enjoyment as a part of our prayer lives.

such a concept! often times prayer and enjoyment are not considered hand in hand.

the obvious point of the day, yet the never really considered point, is the fact that pretending is the death of the enjoyment of prayer. Wow! how often do I pretend? How much do I aim to perfect myself before I approach God? How ridiculous! How long before I learn??? To think I can outsmart God? How foolish can I be?

God is not afraid of me or my stuff!

I can never let my own experience in life thus far, ever trump what God says. No matter what life experiences tell me, no matter how many bad things happen, it does not justify any new belief contrary to what God says.

We have a God whose love never fails! He is Good, He is faithful!

God, this week I long to walk toward shamelessness. I want to bring my whole self, my real self, (no pretending), to prayer. I know this will prove difficult, but I pray for the strength and boldness, for all of us, to involve every part of us, our bodies, our imaginations, our intellect, and our emotions in prayer with you!

reading is...

walking into other worlds I would not have otherwise known.


i love reading when life is good, when life is hard, when life is busy, when life is slow. i love it for whenever. jumping into a book is like jumping into another world. i love the experience you can have when reading a book. it involves such active participation of all of our senses.

the emotional committment reading involves is interesting. you have to think about what you are reading, you have to process what you are reading. you have to see what you are reading. you can smell it too. you can hear it, if you listen hard enough.

you are there. you are an observer. you are part of the stories. you can fall in love. you can cry. you can come to know and love the characters you meet, or you may hate them. you can travel across the world, or meet someone interesting. you can see a real life event that happened many moons ago, or 1500 miles away, but it can be like you are experiencing it firsthand.

reading can open your mind to possibilities, it can challenge the way you think, it can bring you comfort or excitement.

currently i am fretting alongside catherine moreland over henry tilney, i am walking alongside robbie turner during WWII in deep anguish, i am seeing the events and the people involved in the columbine massacre from a much more emotional and detailed perspective, and i am learning more about how Jesus connects with us in our hurts and sorrows, and seeing His hurts and sorrows in a deeper realness than I ever have before.

hmmm...

"Sometimes affection is a shy flower that takes time to blossom."

If Ted Mosby was real...

today, and maybe only today, I'd marry this guy.

just because he perpetuates my dream of an ideal man.

In times of deep sorrow and disappointment, everything we believe can be called into question...

Jesus' words tell us that He is safe to spend time with in our sadness. Our sorrow gives us the opportunity to know him with a depth we may never have experienced before. In some ways we cannot know Him without going through deep sorrow.

to whom it may concern,

As I have been pondering lately the idea of touching fire, I cannot even believe how silly I was to think I could do so without getting burned. There was/is a reason for that innate disagreeable feeling within me. You know what I mean? It is like my whole body, heart and soul was in disagreement with what my head was saying to do.

Sometimes my mind just gets in the way...

So, how can we go about understanding this? Where do I begin? The truth is, I am flattered by the attention you give me. The affection you offer is enticing. But it isn't enough. I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm sorry I led myself on too. To think I could do this; I was wrong.

You aren't for me, and I am not for you.

I need someone who will run beside me, pressing harder day by day, looking unto the sky, with hope, with purpose, in love with Jesus. I can't save you, but I pray you will find salvation. Please understand...

I pray for you. I pray you find truth, hope, and love.

Thank you Jesus, for loving me, for teaching me, for guiding me, for always bringing me back to truth, to hope, and to love. You are my heart home. Thank you that in You I find everything I've ever needed and longed for!

This Week: A Thick Prayer Focus!

2 Samuel 7:18
"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?"

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.

As we enter into this last week of August, this sort of end of summer feel is in the air, and in that we are being challenged to really enter into prayer. Ed shared some great nuggets on the topic of prayer today, challenging us to walk into a new normal in our communion/relationship with God.

Specifically what struck me was how if we really think about it, the only people God relates to are unworthy ones. So often I let the fact that I am so not worthy to commune with the God of the Universe deter me from ever really praying. I mean to really sit before the Lord...and pray. But in all honesty, what could I possibly do to make myself worthy of God? Absolutely nothing. It seems silly that I've let that prideful sort of belief hinder my communion with Him.

So this week I am pressing into prayer. I am going to ruthlessly unhurry my life, I am going to do my best to sit down before the Lord, much like David, and just commune with Him. I long to be quiet before Him, and just listen...I want to soak in His presence.

mmm...Lord, this week I ask that as we press into prayer, You would meet us. Clear the distractions, cause us to be focused, zoned in on You! Speak Lord...please move in our hearts, our lives, our church, our city, our country, and our world...

Love?

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

~Ephesians 3:14-19

I have been pondering lately the whole experience of God's love. As someone who has believed in God since I was a young girl, it seems that the experience of God's love should be something I am now well acquainted with. The problem is experience and feelings are temporary. Therefore, often times whatever moments of felt love from God I have experienced can easily be forgotten.

Because of that there are consequences. While deep down inside of me I am certain of God's love for me, I struggle to understand this conciously on a day to day basis, and as a result often times I feel as though God doesn't, or couldn't love me.

While these feelings do not speak any truth of God's character, in the same they are feelings that are equally real to me as experiencing God's love. It is difficult to accept either, to be perfectly honest. I don't want to truly admit that God could not or does not love me in spite of how I feel, and in the very same breath it is extremely difficut to accept His love.

What a puzzle!

Where do I go from here? In moments of deep thought, concentration, and limited distraction, it is possible to venture into an intimacy with God in which his love feels so real and dear. Living on this earth in this human filled world it is difficult to acheive such moments. More often than not I am my own distraction. I think my life is far too messy, far too sinful, for God, to love me, really actively love me, let alone, dare to even look upon me. I just think if I could tidy things up, and make everything neat and pristine, well, then I could be good enough for God.

God, what do you think of that? Are you laughing at my stupidity? Are you sad over my faulty thinking? I wish I knew. Help me...to...to just be quiet. Help me to listen. Help me to see, to understand, to comprehend Love. Your perfect love. Honestly I just don't get it.

the mean reds.

the crimson wave, the mean reds, whatever it is called, has come with a vengeance tonight. i am awake. wide awake. i have never been more aware of how quiet it is at night. the low hum of the ceiling fan hangs over me. a certain sense of aloneness envelops me.

the pain keeps me awake, so i am loading up on bayer, a bottle of water, and a heating pad, in a effort to combat this monthly curse.

and then I found myself reading. and before i knew it, i had read through the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. it's an hour before i am to be awake and my mind is reeling over this masterpiece. seriously, cannot believe i haven't read this since i was a child. i've always adored c.s. lewis, i rarely touch his works of fiction, and that saddens me a bit because this is such a beautiful story. i love the friendship of lucy and tumnus. it demonstrates such sweet innocence and i loved the way Lewis describes the feeling the children experience when they first hear about Aslan.



And now a very curious thing happened. None of the children knew who Aslan was any more than you do; but the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different. Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don't understand but in the dream it feels as if it had some enormous meaning-either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning too lovely to put into words, which makes the dream so beautiful that you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again.

i am actually so glad the mean reds kept me awake tonight. i am so glad instead of sleeping i read this book again. i am thankful for what i generally dread coming every month, stirred me awake to read and ponder. today i will walk in tiredness and inspiration.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost.

Amazing. Life changing. Seriously unforgettable. Truly the best live show I have ever been to. Thanks to my dear friend, I got to see Coldplay Live! Just in time, as Chris Martin said they wouldn't be back in San Diego for at least 4 YEARS! I would drive, fly wherever, to see them again.

The show did not ever disappoint. It was worth the 8 hours of waiting and trying to get home...to see Coldplay give the 2 most amazing hours worth of songs and charisma. They came up to the Lawn and played an acoustic set for us...complete with a cover of Billie Jean, A serenade from Will the drummer, and an acoustic version of one of my favorites, Green Eyes. On their way up to the lawn they came up the stairs right next to our seats. Unfortunately my camera snapped a second too late :(

The Highlights: Lovers in Japan. One of the last songs played before the encore. We sat under a rain fall of colored butterflies. Yellow surprised us with a plethora of gigantic yellow balloons being thrown all over the ampitheatre. And the encore of just Chris and his piano playing The Scientist. I cannot gush enough over the wonder of this concert!

An unforgettable experience!

a blueberry life!

Hmmm...this has been a rather pensive week. To end a such a week I got up early this morning with a burdening desire to bake blueberry muffins.

It is quiet in the house, only the sound of my keyboard clicking, and the oven warming is heard. My soul feels calm in this quiet. For once. Perhaps I need more quiet in my life. Then again, too much quiet can lead down other disasterous paths.

Life is hard right now. More is going on than I had thought. It is that sort of melding of good and bad things together that creates this beautiful mess. And I am slowly but surely trying to figure my way down this path. This path laid with dreams, vision, splendor, and wonder, but also firmly cemented in heartache, loneliness, rejection, death, and struggle.

God, I pray for a calm heart as I travel down this path. The one in which I strive to marry my dreams with reality. A harder struggle than I had ever imagined.

Story of a Girl

Sometimes rescue comes to you.
It just shows up, and you do nothing.
Maybe you deserve it, maybe you don't.
But be ready, when it comes,
to decide if you will take the outstretched hand
and let it pull you ashore.

"Don't Think or Judge, Just Listen."

I Loved this book! Seriously, one of the most enjoyable reads amongst YA fiction, amongst the books I've read in the last two years or so. The story of Just Listen follows Annabel Greene as she navigates her way through a messy chunk of time, where life deals some crushing blows, but also brings some wonderful gifts.

Lessons learned:

Some lives may look pretty perfect on the outside, but we never have any idea what is really going on in the inside. (Yes it's cliche, but a truth we tend to forget when we get stuck in the idea that the grass is always greener wherever we aren't, etc.)

Honesty is the best policy. (Yep, I wholly was convicted by this whole embracing lying lifestyle. Lying in the sense that we do it to keep others out, to keep from dealing with the real raw stuff in our lives, to deceive others, and to deceive ourselves.)

Family matters. Friends matter. Share, love, and be there for one another.

Just Listen.

june, i'll sing a song for you, oh how i love you june!

welcome june, the first of the summer months!
a gloomy beginning,
but we felt your warmth as we sat in the afternoon sun.
thank you june for the beauty you offer us.
i look forward to a many lovely days spent with you :)

i just think...

if he could think about me, he would.

i cannot live without books-thomas jefferson

okay, so this list is just going to be the books i'd like to read this summer...yes i realize it is still extraordinarily long, and will probably be added to, and some will be taken away over the course of the next couple of months :) and it will probably transition into a fall, then winter, to spring, and then summer again reading list :)

Reading List:
To Kill a Mockingbird
Farenheit 451 (reread)
One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest
The Catcher in the Rye (reread)
1984
Lord of the Flies
Hamlet (reread)
Great Expectations
The Outsiders
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
The Great Gatsby
The Host
Jane Eyre (reread)
Emma
Persuasion
The Illiad/The Odyssey
The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus (finish)
The Glass Castle (finish)
The Garden of Eden (finish)
Evening
East of Eden (finish)
The Shack (finish)
The Diary of Anne Frank (finish)
Joe Jones
New Moon (reread)
Just Listen
Someone Like You
Along for the Ride
Lock & Key
That Summer
Love's Long Fatal Chase
The Abstinence Teacher
If you could see me now
Story of a Girl
Sweetharts
Columbine
An Unlikely Disciple
All the Living
Confessions of a shopaholic
The Third Angel
Loving Frank
The Looking Glass Wars

untitled or an undefined expression of grief

here i go.
i am stepping off the magnificent cliffs of sorrow
and am plunging down into a freezing blue pool of anguish.

it is the contradictions of life that behold us now as we struggle to keep our heads above water.
beautifully messy.
accept don't expect.
limited possibilities.
the window of opporunity has slimmed to a teeny tiny little peep hole.
are we just floating along?

Swim! Swim hard, swim fast!

"Unfair!" she cries.
"yes, well, who said it would be fair?"

"No one cares!" she whines.
"yes, well, do you?"

"I used to." her reply falls on deaf ears.

I tried to care about you. Maybe to make myself feel better. But I didn't or I couldn't. I am not really sure which anymore. So I take what is safe in my arms, and I hold it close.

I am terrified, it will tear me up, and leave me here wounded and alone.

But I hold onto that which is not real.
What is real? I am numb to real's touch.
My body used to feel delicate under what was real.
I could feel my blood flow through my veins.
Where did that feeling go?

I am numb.



Who are you? Where did you come from?
Why aren't you here anymore?

to kill a mockingbird (the second time around)

so i am almost finished with to kill a mockingbird for the second time. this time around it was so much better. i was totally immersed in this truly moving book. i decided to watch the movie earlier this week and while of course, it is never as good as the book, i loved the inclusion of a particular key quote/concept that transformed beautifully from book to film.

(Atticus to Scout) "First of all, if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you'll get along better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view-until you climb in his skin and walk around in it."

such a great topic for a classroom discussion! :)

style icon :)

i love zooey deschanel! everything about her is great. and someday when i can invest money in a new wardrobe, she has the style i would love to emulate! classic, retro, unique. all about funky dresses! i love it.

~lovely~

a beautiful sunny day
+painting on fresh white canvases
+a deep conversation
+tears and prayers
+the right scripture at the right moment
+a smooth day at work
+health and wellness
+laughter
+a new handbag
+dinner with a good friend
+the cool night air
+a good book
+a kitty in my lap
=loveliness

catching the prayer wave...

so this evening i caught the prayer wave. the prayer wave is a really cool opportunity for christians in san diego to sort of come together and on a specific day their church will take part by praying for san diego and the communities that they live in. today was journey's day.

so i took an evening walk and strolled around the neighborhood. For the first ten minutes or so I was sort of on auto-pilot. i brought my ipod (kinda a distraction when your intention is prayer) but God rolled with it and melded the music that came up to direct my thoughts to Him.

on my walk what struck me most was, if you walk to the center of our neighborhood, and up a big steep hill, you end up in area of big homes and fancy cars. I found myself on a street towards the top of the hill which has an incredible view, where literally you can look down and see the city of san diego. I had to stop for a moment and take it all in. the things that stood out to me most from this view were alvarado hospital, sdsu, and if i looked out far enough i could see the coronado bridge. As I looked out over the city these are the words that came to mind:

sick
lonely
lost
suicide
comfortably numb

I whole-heartedly believe that God doesn't desire for anyone to remain in such a miserable state. I know and trust His desire is that everyone be saved, and moreover, that everyone enter into a dynamic intimate relationship with Him. Jesus is the cure for the pain of all people.

Yet it seems that I still battle with doubt, and seriously wonder if change is really possible. In my humanness I began to think of all these people, of whom I know nothing, and instead of praying I found myself thinking of the impossibility of change. The more I pondered, the more the transformation of the hearts and lives of all these people seems to be so unlikely.

but in those moments of doubt and frustration, it was as if God lifted my chin with His gentle hand, causing me to look up at the sky, away from the scene around me, and most importantly away from the doubts crowding around in my head.
As I looked up I began to see the night unfold around me. I watched the stars appear across the sky, and the glow of the moon shining down upon me.

It was in that pause, I just had to laugh. GOD IS BIG! suddenly all those doubts seemed so small. As I beheld His glory in the night sky, my heart and mind turned back to prayer. He is bigger than everything, all the pain, all the problems, all the broken hearts, all the false comfort, all the loneliness, all the sickness, all the doubts. He is the cure.

in those moments, all i could muster up, as a way of gratitude, was "wow."

a truly "wow" moment.

Jesus, I pray expectantly! Thank you for Your Love. Thank you that you love me, that you love all the people who surround me tonite. Though I may only have the slightest glimpse of who they are and the circumstances of their life…You know each and every person in this neighborhood, in the hospitals, in the schools, everywhere, wherever they are, whoever they are, you know them intimately, every finite detail of their beings. Nothing is hidden from you. Thank you Jesus. I pray that you would open the eyes of our neighbors tonite, that something as simple as looking at the night sky would open their eyes to You! May they seek you and find You, and may their hearts hunger for You. As we approach Easter, may the message of Your incredible love, and the good news of Your kingdom be made known to them! We know that with you, truly, anything is possible. We trust You Lord! May those who know and follow you, including myself, be empowered to love on those around us, those we encounter day to day, may Your love flow through us! In Jesus' name, Amen!

remembering jim.

as much as i complain about my job, i truly am grateful for it. honestly i just need to stop complaining.
i am blessed with a steady paycheck, no matter how small it is. even more than that, i have been blessed to meet some pretty amazing people where i work. people i would have never met otherwise. and there have been several over the past few years who have really touched my heart in unimaginable ways. jim was one of those guys. jim would remember whatever you told him...even if he didn't come every day, he'd always remember what i was going to school for, my ever changing graduation date, and what i wanted to do with my life. sometimes our friends and families don't keep such good tabs on us. jim always could get a quarter from my ear, could make me smile, and told me to never settle for okay, or even good...but always go after great! aw, jim will be missed! when i graduated he gave a card to me...one that he made from scratch...in it he included this poem, one i assume he penned himself...or he just forgot to credit the author.

"Another step higher,
but not a culmination of the rise.
Other paths to tread on all the roads ahead.
But sure footed you will be in finding your destiny."

i find encouragement from this everyday when i sit down at my desk and see it hanging there...sure footed will i be in finding my destiny! thank you jim!

Jim passed away a couple weeks ago. I don't know what faith he ascribed to, but I desperately pray he is present with the Lord.

The way he lived his life reminds me of a song I recently discovered by Brandon Heath called "Give me your eyes."

The chorus goes...
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see!

that is my prayer today! God, thank you for the inspiration of life, love, laughter, and kindness that Jim leaves behind. Bless and comfort his loved ones during this time of grief.

heart home.

lately i have been thinking about my heart home. what i mean by that is the things in life, the things inside myself, thus the lovely things from the Lord, that bring peace, hope, love, joy, comfort, inspiration, optimism, etc.

with life circumstances always being so unreliable, and of course the unreliability of a shaky economy, corrupt politics, the vunerability of nations and people to the unfathomable...it helps to have a heart home, to keep you. A place that doesn't rely upon any of the unreliables.

i've simply been striving to pursue things, and live my life in such a way, as paul writes of in philippians 4:4-9 (Message Version)

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

mmm...i love this.

My heart home is in the Lord.
My heart home is in the cool of the evening, in the flow of creativity, in the words of wise thinkers, in the comfort of friends & family, in the beauty of a song lyric and a quiet melody, in the tip of a paint brush, and the freshness of a blank canvas. It is in this present moment...

Weekendish...

a grande coffee misto with vanilla and heavy whipping cream, a target shopping trip, a good book and a lakeside view, a toasty heater inside my truck cab, silky clean hair, a blank canvas, the fourth Edward Burns film, tips for pocket change, hummus and pita, praying, browsing rugs at bed, bath, and beyond, a romantic comedy, an Audrey Hepburn puzzle, an awkward introduction, hot zen tea, preparing for book club, applications… refining the resume, a raging headache, the morning paper, dining out for Mexican food, walking the mall in the rain, buying a new handbag, making a bday gift, laughing and praying, perusing magazines at b&n, church, crying, praying some more, warm blankets, lapkitty, double doses of advil, falling asleep to the smell and sound of rain, making soup, a long walk, blood rushing from my feet to my heart <3

i don't get it (part II)

i have to let go, breathe slow, put one foot in front of the other, and enjoy the night that is mine. often God reminds me, but I'm always there in the front to blind me. sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, and i know i give in to willingly and settle for whatever i can get.

God is good, there can be peace in the midst of confusion. He clears the way, and sometimes i think, He slows down to move at our pace of understanding. i know i take a-while to get things sometimes. Anne Lamott said it best, "this is how we make important changes--barely, poorly, slowly." And still God raises His fist in Triumph. I see now, it's happening slowly, but surely.

i don't get it...

please understand, i am well aware of my imperfections, almost every single one of them, in fact. I am not always kind, I get impatient, I find it hard to get along with every one. If you hurt me or piss me off, I'll probably just ignore you. If I get pushed far enough, I may be tempted to tell you off, but I probably won't. Really, I can't. I can't say anything. I can't stand up for myself. I can't express how I feel. It's too late, it's not allowed. I just keep getting shit on! I'm too nice. No, maybe niceness isn't in my heart at all. Truly, you have no idea what I really think about you. I don't wish you knew. I don't even wish I could tell you anymore.

The only thing I've learned from you, is that because of the lack of demonstration on your part, I now see how much kindness matters. It is important, no...it is imperative that I pass on kindness.

We are growing so callous. We are becoming so careless. There is no moral compass. I cannot exist like this. I won't let you get to me anymore. I won't let myself be changed by you. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. But then I will just remind myself, I am not like you. I don't have to be like you. I won't be like you. I may still have to see you and be around you, but I don't have to be like you.

Accept the silence. That is all I have left to give.

2009...just thinking about you.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
"The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results."
~James Dean

I wouldn't exactly consider James Dean to be my point of inspiration, but the man did say some pretty poignant stuff, for someone who only lived to be twenty four years old.

I feel like life is just passing me by and I am not really enjoying it. It's sort of like being in this really great museum and you wanna make sure you see everything, but it isn't until you leave and everything you saw, you begin to absorb, and really appreciate it. I feel like I've just been taking life in. Some things have been really wonderful and amazing, and of course some things have just been wretched and awful.

I don't like this existence I've adapted, where I am always working toward the next thing, worrying about the next day, and never really existing in the moment. I like the idea of living the day as if it was my last. It's really too much to comprehend, but I think if I really tried it, I would actually sit and watch the sunset, I would tell everyone I loved them, and realize how petty it is to hold grudges and dwell in anger. I'd probably be less concerned with the status of my bank account, or the impending doom of the next day.

I also think there is something to be said for the actual doing of life. I am always working toward a goal or some sort of end result, never realizing, as Dean alluded to, that the true enjoyment in life really is in the process of what we are working toward. The accomplishments are great, but the work to get there is truly the satisfying part...I don't want to miss out on any of it, while I am still here, by the grace of God, to experience all of this. Life. 2009. Come what may...I'll dream, I'll work hard, I will enjoy you, I will strive to cherish everyday you give me.