what i'm listening to...

i am music obsessed.  if that hasn't been apparent already, let me state it as a true blue fact. i love music.  truly, music of all kinds.  i have some embarrassing "i really don't want you to know how much i love this" tastes, and some "omigoodness this is the most amazing sounds ears can behold, how, oh how can i get this to the ears of the world so that they too can experience the glory and wonder of what i have experienced" tastes.  yes, it can be that intense.  music is such a...spiritual thing.  i feel as though that is far too cliche a thing to say, but if i didn't i think any other word would negate the power of music.  music for me, is somewhere i go to feel things, to taste and see good, to have intimacy with the Lord, with humanity, with nature...it is just so intimate.

all that to say, if for some reason you come across this, make sure you pause and listen.  listen to the melodies, to the work of the instruments, to the voice, the emotion, the intensity, the heart and soul inside each song, each verse, each movement.  and enjoy.  and for me, this is a reminder, of why music is important, of what it does for my soul, and of how it connects us, and takes us to new and deeper destinations of heart and soul.

the fun of all the others.

it always seems greener, doesn't it?

i try not to think that way.  but i can't help but constantly wonder about the lives of others?  what are they doing right now?  and somehow, it always seems better than...

but who knows?  who really knows?  i often, as of late, seem to write about the strangeness of my placement in life.  you know this whole, 29 & single thing?  i hate to chalk it up to something simple like that, because it is really so much more richly layered.  my life is complex.  i am on the brink it feels...of something.  and i try not to get weighed down by all the "what if i had done..." kind of regrets.  because i do not believe in regrets.  no regrets.

i am here, alive, today, for a reason.  a complex one.  a multi-layered, deep purposed, altering, impacting reason.  i am here.  and it goes beyond what i can know and comprehend in this moment, i know it does.  it has to.

this is what i believe.  it isn't always greener.  it just isn't.
i believe in big belly laughs and giant full tears.  both are necessary.  always.
i believe that reading, long nature walks, and soothing hot baths are absolutely essential.
i think a man should be cultured in some way.  i believe in men who can quote shakespeare and dress beyond jeans and a t-shirt.
i believe in the calm that is a result of hot tea & honey, a good dusting and vacuuming, from music that evokes beyond basic emotions.
i believe that nothing is greater than purposeful solitude, the silence that comes from someone who really listens, and the love of home, wherever or whatever home is.

i believe that greener is here before me.  i don't need to keep looking elsewhere.

inspired transformation.

six months into transformation...and nothing feels much transformed.

it was my friend Christina who gave me the idea of having a word//phrase for each year. for some reason, i felt this pull to the word transformation for 2013.  though for the longest while i couldn't figure out why.  i didn't know what transformation looked like or how i should really go about pursuing it.

last year the phrase i lived and breathed by was "with all my heart."  and wow! that one was spot on.  you see, the whole idea behind the word or phrase for each year is not only a source of inspiration, but a mantra to call upon for strength and encouragement.  it is a guide, a sort of breath prayer that takes me from worried and wayward to centered and focused.  i use the word/phrase as a reminder.  it is a clear focus.

however, this far into 2013 and it seems transformation has been the furthest thing from my mind. it wasn't until this past sunday that i caught a glimpse of that big picture. i finally saw the word transformation and all it can hold, i saw it in a picture...for my life.

transformation: a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance; a metamorphosis in the life cycle (usually of an animal).

like with anything big, transformation isn't something that just happens to you.  it takes work.  it is a long and arduous process.  it is all about posture.  we need to position ourselves for transformation...that is, for me, loosening my grip on control, closing my eyes, breathing slowly, ignoring the voices of resistance and learning to discern.

for me, it is ignoring the voices of cynicism and fear.  it is pushing away ignorance and embracing more knowledge and truth.

for me, it is wholly trusting in the power of God and giving Him my whole self.  there is a shape that it takes, a full circle kind of feel.  it is going from having the necessary tools, learning how to use them, implementing their use, and then experiencing that change as you do.

for me, transformation requires inspiration.  inspiration is such an overused term, and yet so fitting because it is such a fully and wholly mysterious word.  it breathes life, it beats.

i turn to that which inspires, words, lives and light.  looking out on a cityscape, listening to your heart beating, following the magnetic and hypnotizing words of a wise and endearing soul.  it is there, it is to be found, it does exist.

how to be happy.

 i wake up early.

i brew coffee.

i top my oatmeal with fresh blueberries.

i read in the sunlight, in the quiet.

i am smothered in puppy kisses.

i edit/add to my "daily do" list.

i walk around the neighborhood before everyone is on their way for the day.

i am hydrated.

i look at other people and i smile.

i am noticed and i am loved.

i work and breathe in and out, thank you, i am doing what i love!

there is music that inspires and motivates always on rotation.

i exercise, because after which, i am a better person.

i pray for the hurting people God has brought to my attention, may they catch a break...i whisper gratitude in healthiness, beauty, and hope.

i may spiral down...damning thoughts enter in, insecurities take over, but that's okay.  and normal.  because somehow, someway, i find my way back out.  and that's good.  for too damn long i could not find my way out.

then i am thankful.  i've come a long way.

i sit down and i talk with someone who wants to share part of their day with me.

i wind down early because its good for my soul.

i read words that fill me up and watch something that makes me laugh.

i bathe in soft scents and comforting warmth.

i lie down and i think of you.  i pray for you.  i pray for me.  i am thankful for yet another day.

i fall asleep...happy.