occasional vulnerability//the curated life

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  

 

yesterday, i sat in my classroom during my prep period with the lights off, soft music playing, and i felt for the first time in two months like i could breathe.

i had one class left to go until 3:30 on Friday afternoon (the most magical time of the week) arrived.  This particular 3:30 was special as it ushered in a week-long fall vacation.

we are exactly half way through semester 1, and honestly, i am surprised, truly surprised, that i have made it through.

i've been told time and time again that the first year teaching at any new school is a tough one.  and if i think back to my last two teaching stints, however distant a memory they may be, i can recall the truth in these words.

as i pondered how things have gone and where i wanted them to go in the next nine weeks, i realized that in spite of all the negatives that seem to loom, i could also recognize a lot of growth and a few victories in the previous nine weeks.

i think those growths and victories can all be attributed to one thing:

vulnerability.

if i think about the handful of times my students responded with insight and care, and were really engaged//attentive to me and each other, was when i was at my most vulnerable.  it was when i was being real, when i connected literature to real life, when i revealed a truth about me or my life, when i called them on their shit and explained to them why it wasn't okay.  i think those moments, few as they may be, have been our best thus far.

and they haven't been easy.  but what is easy about vulnerability?  it is probably what i loathe and long for most in my life.  the ability to be vulnerable and express things and simply be in the most authentic way.

it is an occasional happening, it has come about by circumstances and where i may have felt led or forced, but there is something to life's movement now, where vulnerability is the path i am actually wanting to traverse as hard as it may be.

it is something that goes along with building this life, not just living it. 

october's wonder//i can be somebody

every month i make a playlist of tunes that guide me through the 30ish day journey that happens twelve times a year.

every month has its own flavor.

and every month, invariably carries its own theme.

january is always titled in conjunction with joy.  a fresh start welcomes the calm songs of winter that inspire and soothe, paving the way to a beautiful new year.

february tunes are always themed around love, because in spite of any bitterness that may encircle my heart around the 14th of this month, i am a sucker for a sweet song that so beautifully articulates the complex emotion and decision of love.

and the months carry on and winter songs turn to spring tunes and soon the lists take on a life of their own and begin to encapsulate the fire and life of early summer.  and things return to a certain melancholy when fall comes and i find songs taking me to a familiar place of comfort, hope and soon holiday anticipation.

all the while i find that music for me is a form of therapy.  it is something that helps me manage my emotions and clarify my feelings.  it is especially so in times of stress and busyness and complicated emotions that i have yet to figure out.  the music that i fill time and space with demands to be heard and felt, whether i am driving to work, taking a shower, walking the pup, or simply sitting and being.

it is with the songs that i begin to channel what it is i am feeling by the words that resonate with my heart.  i begin to harness the thoughts to put words to the feelings about many things that for a long while seem to remain unclear and intangible because they are clouded with emotion. but eventually the guidance of song and the truths the lyrics often bring about the realities in my own mind and heart to the forefront.

as i was walking around the neighborhood the other night with my october playlist in full swing i came across a song that also ran on my september playlist and seemed necessary to carry into october though i could not name its significance to me at the time.

but as i walked under a starry clear night sky october has so wondrously offered, i really began to listen beyond the beats and the groove of a song, and i finally heard the words, and i felt enveloped by hope.  i felt a sudden closeness with the Lord as tears began to fill my eyes.  it was a reminder that my prayers have been heard.  that he ultimately knows.  it was the grace of knowing He's got me.  it was moments of peace that so suddenly caught me right where i was.  it was a relief to experience such unexpected peace and hope amid a collection of stressful days and weeks.

it was unexpected grace in song, in nature and in my heart of hearts.  it was pure wonder and amazement...all molded into one moment.  and it is so special and precious when it is birthed from a simple song.