A New Year.

transformation...is the word.
to be bold (extra bold)...is the ambition.
to matter...is the hope.
happening...is the theme.
to fall deeper in love with jesus...is the dream.
to be open...is the goal.

welcome 2010.

what will your verse be?

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?-John Keating (Dead Poet's Society)

selfishness to selflessness.

Hi, um... hello. I'm Mia. Um, it's stopped raining! I'm really no good at speech-making. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn't need to know that... But I'm not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by telling me it was ok, and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word 'I.' And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and... sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.
See, if i were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up, I was Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia.

Okay, I would be lying if I said I still didn't heart princess diaries in that teenage girl way, where you kinda wish someone would come along and just be like, "oh yeah, you're a princess." This whole speech Anne Hathaway's character gives at the end of the film popped into my mind as I was journaling and reflecting upon the past year, and brainstorming over 2010. I mean I think we can all relate to the sentiment she is expressing here:

But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time.

yeah, totally convicted. All of my reflection, all of my planning, all of my dreaming and scheming, hoping and wishing, all of it is about me. What I want, how I feel, when I want it, how I want it to happen, where I want to have it, what I think I so desperately need, never factoring in, you. And You. You, them, and you. It's always me. and I wonder why I am constantly drying up, and feeling so utterly drained by life? hmmm...cause it's all about me?
If my life involved more others-thinking...wow, I can't even begin to imagine the possibilities. Sometimes our careers, professions, ministries, etc. are all about other people. However, we can still so easily be me-focused in the midst of that.

I encounter people everyday who are only out for themselves, never thinking of or considering another soul, and frankly it is completely unappealing! Rather heinously unattractive.

I am not entirely sure where to begin. I just know that I don't want to be stuck in this me-ness. It's messy and lonely here.
Thinking about others, realizing there out there moment by moment, I suppose that's a good starting place...
i'm feeling that 2010 is going to be about transformation. perhaps transformation will come in shapes and forms I could never imagine for myself. i'm letting go and taking myself out of #1.

renewing...

Psalm 51:10~"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."

i like this definition of renewal--the conversion of wasteland into land suitable for use of habitation or cultivation. it's sort of a good way of explaining what this year has been like.

i want to be renewed. i've been made new, but the world, sin, and lies can corrupt that newness.

simply put '09 has been a struggle. struggle has its negative connotation, but there is always something positive to be derived from a struggle.

through the deepest doubts, the firmly rooted lies, and the pain planted in my veins, renewal became a necessity. i needed more than healing. change at some place must happen, or else nothing is ever really healed, and no growth can happen. becoming and evolving is an impossibility.

thankfully God moves and acts on our behalf, even when we do not know exactly what we need. sometimes i feel like i am just lying there, staring into space, drooling on myself, in utter despair not knowing where to go, what to do, or how to keep pressing on.

i get stuck listening to the critics, to the complainers, to that side of me, that false me that says i'm no good, that everything i do is wrong, and that i have nothing to offer...to anyone. the more i tell myself this, the more i listen, the more it becomes truth, indoctrinated in the depths of my soul.

that's when renewal of mind, heart, and soul becomes a necessity...and in abandonment of old ways, renewal becomes a reality.

christmas.

so humbly thankful for the gift of Jesus' life on earth, the model of it, the wonder of it, the love in it, the forgiveness and grace it brings to us all. love christmas for its great reminder and space to focus in on such gracious gifts.

inside of a december dream...

while i sit in the inbetween, living inside this winter dream, on a december day, i know you aren't far away.

thank you for saying hello.
thank you for hugging me.
thank you for helping me.
thank you for wanting me.
thank you for including me.
thank you for seeing me.
thank you for listening.
thank you for noticing.
thank you for believing.
thank you for thinking of me.
thank you for honesty.
thank you for believing in me.
thank you for hoping with me.
thank you for lauging.
thank you for singing.
thank you for loving.
thank you for being.
thank you for choosing me.
thank you for dreaming.
thank you.

Eventually...

Eventually. It's my new favorite word. Everything comes, everything happens, everything ends, everything begins...eventually.

Eventually offers some hope, and some relief.

Eventually comes after an especially long delay. "Finally!" We cry!

Eventually the flower blooms.
Eventually the seasons change.
Eventually we meet again.
Eventually time will heal the pain.
Eventually, we will...
we can...
it will...
it can...
eventually.

it'll happen...

but it hasn't happened yet, i'm not gonna let you get, ahead of yourself. it's your achilles heel.

and i'm not gonna hold my breath...

GRACE!

mmm...grace.

unconditional unmerited undeserved grace.

I loved this song they sang tonight in church. beautifully honest.
credit goes to switchfoot of course.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
Ah there ain´t no drugs to make me well
There ain´t no drug

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I made a mess of me I wanna the get back rest of me
I made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

We lock our souls in cages
We hide inside our shells
It´s hard to free to the ones you love
Oh when you can´t forgive yourself
Yeah forgive yourself!

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
The sickness is myself

I made a mess of me I wanna get back the rest of me
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my life alive
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna reverse this tragedy
I´ve made a mess of me I wanna spend the rest of my live alive
The rest of my life alive!

this truth resonates in my heart and soul.
this is the battle. it's so hard to not walk around ashamed, masking pain, masking the mess that is me. i am awake to the pain of not being able to control my life the way i thought i could. i am always trying to fix everything, cover up the symptoms, manage the sin. i am so humbly grateful that grace does not depend on me or anything i can do, but solely on a faithful always loving God. Grace destroys my toxic thinking. Grace neutralizes sin's power. God is not ashamed of who i am.

Truth, Grace. Let it reign Lord. Reign Lord.

something wonderful.

thank you God for this most amazing dream.

thank you God for dreams unfoldings into realities.

thank you God for majestic beauties that nourish & inspire.

But we humans are most alive when we passionately pursue our dreams, live with purpose, and have a sense of destiny. We thrive when we are optimistic about the future. Bottom line: we cannot live the life of our dreams without an irrational sense of destiny. And all of us have dreams. More than that, all of us need dreams. Some of us sadly are just sleeping through them.

~Erwin Mcmanus

sunday thoughts.

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. ~Khalil Gibran



If I could find a way, you and i would drive that road, to another place... but this is home, and it's not always that easy.

There is an open world out there and we are just wandering through it, with closed eyes and with closed hearts that are bruised and wounded.

The past is in the past and the future has yet to happen.

All we have is this present moment, to live what we aspire...to live what we dream.

How am I doing that today? In this very moment?

Thank you Lord, for the encouragement of Your Living Breathing Words...

1 Corinthians 15:50-58~

I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. 51 Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— 52 in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. 54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

55 “Where, O death, is your victory?

Where, O death, is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

2 Corinthians 5:9-10

9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10 For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

radiohead makes my day better :)

favorite song...beautiful video!


All I Need
I'm the next act
waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
trapped in your hot car
I'm all the days
that you choose to ignore
You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
lying in the reeds
I am a moth who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you
Because there are no others
You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
lying in the reeds
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all wrong, It's all right
It's all, It's all...