eleven.

11 things i learned/experienced from/in 2011.

1) i am a renaissance woman. (there are too many things in life i want to do, and i will do. i am/will be a teacher, a writer, a painter, a traveler, a reader, a musician of sorts, a reliable companion, a thinker, a pray-er, an encourager...)

2)living in the big apple. (changed my life, opened my heart and eyes, inspired my soul.)

3)i completed my education. (i feel like a grown up now.)

4)i can be hurt and still love. (God takes risks, God gets hurt, and God still loves.)

5) spending $400.00 to see your favorite boy band is totally worth it.

6)i don't have to be perfect to be liked. (a long journey and still learning)

7)joy and sorrow can walk hand in hand.

8)regrets don't have to rule my life.

9)just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it isn't possible.

10)friday night lights! (where has it been all my life?)

11)bon iver's perth is hands down the best song of 2011.

christmas eve.

stockings hung by the fire with care, russian tea cakes, a first time viewing of it's a wonderful life, sobbing, rum with eggnog (another first), a dimly lit christmas tree, and a cozy couch. merry christmas eve!

paradise, family, and other christmas musings...

i think there is something lovely to be birthed each new christmas. i think there is always something new to discover, something revolutionary to grasp, a new meaning to derive from the story of christmas, the giving of gifts revives our gratitude and appreciation of one another, the togetherness that happens can encourage or crush us. i find that in my family, togetherness always results in some sort of friction. we fall victim to idealizing what the holidays should be and when we finally come together to what is, someone says something wrong, someone gets upset, alienation occurs and now the christmas celebration is colored with anger, sadness, and disappointment. i always wonder, why can't we just have one day, one day of total peace and getting along. i think we all want that. we expect that at christmas time, for at least one day, we can put our differences aside, and not let our ill feelings control our actions, but it never seems to happen how i hope it.

last night at church we talked about how Christmas stirs up this longing for paradise that we all have. we all expect one day of paradise at christmas, and wonder why it cannot last longer. in my own life, i've noticed this longing is running rampant in my soul, stronger and deeper than ever. i think that longing grows when life deals crushing blows. pastor ed noted that when we don't have much to lose we have an easier time of connecting with God and the longing for paradise. i honestly feel like i don't have a lot to lose, and therefore, finding God, connecting with Him, longing for the fulfillment of paradise with Jesus is really easy, and at the top of my list. though i'm in no way saying that people who have a lot, and a lot of good things at that, don't have the desire to connect with God. i just think at this point in my life i don't have as many things to distract me from my desire for Him. and i am thankful for that.

earlier this year coldplay released a song called paradise. i fell in love with this song the first time i heard it. a beautiful lyric from it that stayed with me that goes, "when she was just a girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, and she ran away in her sleep, and she dreamed of paradise, every time she closed her eyes." it's a funny thing how much this song stirred hope in my heart in my darkest moments this year...and perhaps even more fitting when they sang this song at church last night. as long as i have been going to journey it's as if God has been speaking to me along the whole way, through song, art, scripture, words, prayers, who i am sitting next to, a book mentioned, a testimony told...it is always relevant to me, wherever i am at, whatever i am feeling. i have never had quite a church experience like this. it has been especially meaningful to me, as i've walked more difficult paths the last couple of years.

the song is such a good reminder that hope is not lost. i still look with hope to God this christmas. i pray the same for all hearts...that hope would be stirred up this christmas, whether we are walking in our darkest hour, or carrying life's greatest moment of joy. no matter where we are, i am sure that we all have that longing for paradise. that hope for something good to last. it may not quite be within our reach today, but someday, we can and will have it.

until then, this christmas. and the time that follows we can dream of paradise. we can prepare for paradise. we can set our hearts on the One who made paradise and designed us for it. and especially for today and christmas to follow we can tune our hearts to Him. He longs to connect with us. the signs may be small, but they're there. His heart is for us. He is calling us, drawing us in. It began with a baby in a manger, and the call is still there for us today. look at the moon and the stars, feel the wind on your face, smell the pine trees, look at the family, hope exists, paradise is within our reach.

making things happen.

first plan for 2012 is in motion! road trip to san francisco with a dear friend come early april. i am so excited. reason for our destination? the one and only chris thile will be performing classical masterpieces at the herbst theatre.

amazing and beautiful.

love is christmas.

christmas time is here. i finally got out and did some shopping today. in spite of crowds and sickness it proved to be an opportune time, with some hot tea in hand and christmas tunes to guide my way, i came out with a feeling of joy and accomplishment. christmas is simple this year. no big plans on the horizon, in many ways it's the same as in years past, but i feel most joyous about not getting bogged down by all the busyness and to-do's. i have gifts ready, making and creating loving things for loved people inspires my heart, and baking (my one kitchenesque talent) will be put to good use soon.

my heart's longing is for Christ to be central this christmas. it sounds so cliche and cheesy. but in reflecting on this year and recognizing the many struggles i've gone through, for this advent season, i set my heart to wait on and for Christ alone. but i find myself getting distracted from that as of late. i am trying to be purposeful in my pursuit of Him. as much as He draws me in and pours His love and mercy out so freely, i need to play my part as well, like in any relationship. i feel myself being so easily distracted by fresh discouragements in the forefront of my mind. the more i ponder them, the more distant He becomes. not because He has retreated from me, but i have allowed my heart to grow detached. sigh. so longing for my heart to be captured by Him. so wishing i'd allow myself to let go of the discouragement and embrace His encouragement. tis the season for His encouragements to abound and fill our hearts and lives. that is my prayer, for all of us. love is what christmas is about. His love. growing our love for one another. love is christmas.

quietly content.

in the past, i've found that things would and could, often and easily, upset me, and throw me off course. my heart would stew endlessly over any wrongdoings and injustices i would encounter personally or stand witness to. as a result i would become angry, experience sadness, bitterness, and then simply resignation. this year has involved one sadness and disappointment after another. i have walked fully aware of each one as they have visited quietly, or bombarded their way in with great force. i learned to walk in and through the pain, instead of shoving it down and pretending it wasn't there, and that everything was okay. the shocking result of that is that i find my heart more whole and full of hope than i ever imagined. my spirit and soul lives with so much peace, where before all i could detect was the deep buried distress ready to explode. i test myself. i think of things that at once stirred anger and now i only feel a calm. the strangest thing of all is the love that i feel. it's a bit overwhelming, and really simply weird for me. i feel love towards things, people, and ideas, that i could never on my own considering the history and reality of situations. it is truly odd. in fact, i find it so extremely peculiar because in my mind i have done nothing to proactively seek this zen state of being. generally if i am trying to achieve some sort of calm and generate greater love in my life, i think it must involve some sort of grand gesture on my part. for example, i haven't offered up that one really heartfelt, long, meaningful prayer to somehow earn this loving heart and peaceful soul. i have not tossed my burdens into the ocean, choosing to be free from all the weights and pains of disappointment and despair. i have not climbed a mountain, fallen to my knees at the top, crying out, with hands lifted to the sky, seeking out that healing touch that would empty me of all the bad and fill me with everything good. instead i simply go about my days. at first, like a grieving person, establishing simple to-do's, put on shirt, check. get in car, check. drive to work, check. and then suddenly, somewhere along the way, i stopped having to remind myself of those things, and i just did them. and suddenly there was room in my mind, and space in my heart to consider much else. i have been walking in and through grief, broken dreams, cracked hopes, and misunderstandings. i have filled my journal pages with prayers, questions, wonderings, drawings, directed toward a God who sees the big picture while i am living in the small frames. i have been fellowshipping with ladies who teach and speak from God's Word, who i have been dialoguing with about what it means to really love difficult people. i have been going to church where we are learning about what it really means to love and worship God in and with our bodies. i randomly meet and talk with people who somehow end up providing encouragement and direction to my life and heart. in a difficult workplace i find the strength and will to maintain some sense of positivity. i didn't do any of it on my own. i never could. i stand back and look at my life today, and no circumstances have really altered much. yet my heart is altered. i examine my feelings and emotions and i feel such a great amount of hope and inspiration, none of which i could conjure up myself. i lift me eyes in gratitude to a God who is working in my heart in ways i could never think to ask for. my imagination always puts a limit to what God can and will do. i recognize how finite my thoughts and expectations are. and for the first time perhaps, i really recognize with some sense of understanding the truth in these scriptures:
"now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever, and ever, Amen." ~ephesians 3:20-21
"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight." ~proverbs 3:5-6
and i praise Him.

a white blank page.

"lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life. oh lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life." ~mumford and sons

"afoot and light-hearted i take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me. the long brown path before me, leading wherever i choose." ~walt whitman

the first day of december. day 1. a clean slate. the christmas season is upon us. thirty one days until the new year. love fills the air. lights brighten the dark of night. i don't want to miss it. i don't want to miss the joy this season offers us so graciously. the time to slow down and reflect. i want to savor everything this month holds. fully recognizing life doesn't always look how we want it. the things we so desperately long for do not always come to us easily, or ever. but i don't want to miss what is good, and what is purposeful right now.

Lord Jesus, help me to see, my life, my family, friends, the world and people all around me, with your eyes...your loving, compassionate, forgiving eyes. forgive me Lord Jesus. forgive me for being utterly self focused, and in my selfishness only seeing misery, completely missing where there can be beauty. and You offer so much beauty. you are endless goodness. open my eyes! open my eyes that they may behold your goodness in all circumstances.

work conversations.

"what's the oldest you'd be willing to date?
"43."
"that's a really specific number."
"that's how old donnie wahlberg is."
blank stare
"i'd date donnie wahlberg."
"oh. you should write him a letter and tell him that."

pondering gratitude.

Gratitude is like a river that is ever flowing...

Gratitude keeps our attention on God's goodness to us. It makes sure we never forget that we are loved. When we neglect it, we start focusing on ourselves, on our own achievements, on our own desires – but none of those things can satisfy this fundamental need of our soul.

November does it to all of us I suppose. We think about what we're thankful for. It's easy to be thankful when you're standing atop the Empire State Building on Memorial Day at Midnight. It's easy to be grateful when you get to see your favorite musician play before your very own eyes.

But it shouldn't be harder to feel grateful when your long term and short term future for that matter seem so unclear. It shouldn't be hard to feel grateful when you're still living in your parents home trying to figure out your life and make ends meet. The same amount of gratitude should exist under all circumstances. For their is life in my lungs and hope in my heart, even still.

I'm thankful for all moments. Each one of them have something to teach, wonder to offer, hope to stir, joy to complete, and pain to heal.

I'm thankful for the time to think, to ponder the unknown path ahead, to take joy in the wonderful people I've yet to meet, to learn endurance and hope can sustain through the darkest valleys...simply thankful.

my list of gratitude:

a list of learning.

autumn skies inspire me.

i like my hair long.

just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean that i have to, too.

sometimes i cry, and i don't have to know why.

rain seems loveliest in october.

i really don't hate my brother.

i will never stop loving owls.

i am only beginning to understand prayer.

my image of God as a scorekeeper is not correct.

my circumstances are not indicative of God's character.

i like caramel under certain circumstances.

i am still painfully shy at times.

katy perry actually looks good with pink hair.

i think i really want puppies and babies.

debt isn't so frightening anymore.

God is bigger than money.

politics are suddenly interesting again.

wearing glasses makes me feel smarter.

ryan gosling is a really good actor.

friday night lights is probably the best show i never really watched.

my new/current mantra: (stolen from George Eliot) "it's never too late to be who you might have been."

bon iver, bon iver.

holy moly! i freaking love bon iver. seeing this amazing concoction of musical talent live has blown my mind to pieces. seriously it's everywhere. i am so in love with mr. vernon's voice and beard. i am so enamored with the melodies, the lyrics, and the raw emotion in the presentation of it all. the emotional depth, story telling nature, and honesty in the lyrics just make my heart melt like ice cream on a hot day. i listen to wolves act I and II and i cry like a baby. i am just so moved by it all. "what might have been lost, what might have been lost...someday my pain will mark you."

image from mojo: they say-bon iver music is cathartic and strangely heart-warming.

dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

new beginnings.

Autumn is in the air. an autumn in new york or an autumn in southern california, it is a beautiful thing. I smell fireplaces in the cool of the evening, and see the leaves beginning to fall from their trees. I feel the draw of soft acoustic music, and the taste of pumpkin in my coffee cup. This year doesn't look how I thought it would in so many ways. Things keep slipping through my fingers. Everything seems so outside my control, and I am so unsure of where to pick up and go next. Grace abounds in ways I can never understand, and for that I am humbled and thankful.
I am trying to do what I am doing now with joy. But I am tangled up in those words said so recklessly that cut so deeply, leaving a sting that won't soften. My heart is worn and torn, and I wish I could overcome it in a snap of the fingers, but it is not that easy. And truthfully, the things I want are so simple. I'm not asking for much. But I am continually spinning in this whirl of thoughts and emotions that come and go, that keep me sane, and make me crazy. Oh the contradiction that I consistently am.
The days keep spinning me around, but the hope of autumn on the horizon calms me down. I find myself drawn in yet again. Alongside You is where I want to be. Wherever You are, is where I long to find myself. And that is enough. More than enough.

Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places. Post #1

I forgot how hefty this material was. It truly is a book that needs to be tackled little by little to truly draw any meaningful insight from it. I found myself underlining much more than I had the first time I read it through. That's why I think it is so cool to reinvest in books you have already read, to see what else you can gain from it. Granted I never finished this book the first time around, and it definitely isn't one I can pick up where I left off. :)

The Introduction.

The point of this, and the whole book to come, is for Petersen to ensure the reader understands what exactly spiritual theology is. I don't think I got it the first time around, which is pretty lame, as it seems so straight forward to me now. Spiritual theology is (i like this summation the best, though he offers a few) the attention that we give to keeping what we think about God in organic connection with the way we live with God.

Truthfully, this tends to be a struggle for me, and I believe the Christian community as a whole. We tend to get really dogmatic, and we become knowledge lovers...or we abandon all that dogma and truth, and seek out what makes us feel good. Now it is about bridging the gap. I want to incorporate the truth, the attention we give to knowing God, with the effort to living it out in everyday life. Therefore, I want to live what I know and believe about God.

Oh how different my life would look. I tend to live more with a lack of faith in others and myself. I tend to live more like God is not intimately involved with His creation, regardless if I see it or not. Often times I forget God is emphatically personal, and that God is only and exclusively God in relationship. I think this is a hard one to grasp because our relationships here on earth can falter and fail so much. So I tend to wonder how I can grow and build in this relationship with God. I too often attribute Him with human characteristics that are an insult to a loving and merciful God, so beyond our petty human ways.

Petersen writes, "God is vast and various, working visibly and invisibly. Left to ourselves we often get lost in blind alleys, get tangled up in thickets, and don't have a clue where we are. The map (Trinity Country) locates us: it provides the vocabulary and identifies the experience by which we can explore God when there are no signs pointing to him, when there are no neatly lettered labels defining the odd shape or feeling that is in front of our eyes."

This quote simply reminds me that I often look in the wrong places for that guidance and direction, which is silly, because a map is pretty straight forward. I wouldn't fully trust anything or anyone else more than a map to guide me on a trip, so why would I look elsewhere in my journey with God?

I am really enthusiastic about diving into all of this...and see how it all melds together and how everything relates, as Christ as the key figure behind and in it all.

solitude.

how does one exist inside a couple? i wonder. i've never really ventured this path before, at least in a healthy, giving sort of way. and every time it comes up with any sense of realness, which is rare, i tend to freak out. i am very used to this life of solitude, and frankly, quite like it. but i'm not exactly sure what it is i like about it. i fear it is the comfort that i like. it doesn't involve any risks. there is no real potential for pain. there can be a pain in solitude, but it is a pain i am now well acquainted with, and therefore, i know i can handle it. i am frightened to hurt someone or worse be hurt. i am afraid i won't always feel the same way. how can one trust love and affection to continually grow? though i suppose i've seen that happen in other relationships. i am just so confused about all of it. i want to embrace this idea of love, and offering oneself wholly to another, but how do you know when is the right time...who is the right person? how much of yourself do you offer and how quickly? who sets this measure? i appreciate honesty, but am terrified of it at the same time. i want to be relieved from this pressure and yet i long for it to exist. i don't know what else to say. but i stand here confused and scared, and feeling much like a contradiction. and its not necessarily a bad thing. it's a different sort of thing. i feel willing to embrace something different. i suppose if you're scared and you do it, it may be more worthwhile? or am i just kidding myself?

coolest chick ever (part 1)

i just have to rave about how interesting, cool, and unpretentious i find miranda july to be.

short story writer, movie maker, artistic spirit, super creative, unique heart, clever, and just ridiculously inspiring, i am just completely and utterly impressed and obsessed with her. i crave her creative capacity.

totally going on my must see list!

*after watching this film i regret to say miranda's coolness factor dropped significantly. i found this movie to be the most discouraging and depressing i had seen in awhile. i realize this is a place she comes from often, as i find the same to be true of her books, but something with this movie just sat wrong with me. i can appreciate the questions it asked, but there was no redeeming factor to any of it, no real sense of hope, and i believe these things can and should be found in any situation and circumstance. also as a result of this movie i now have a great disdain for men wearing gold chains.
shudder.
and on my must read list...

you.

last week when i saw you and you said you were glad to see me, i smiled at you because i was glad to see you too. there are words i cannot say, but i feel them, and that makes them real.

i wanted to tell you these things, these things that mean something. but they remain silent, for now.

i love how i feel when i am around you. safe. my heart whispers. safe.

you always speak so kindly to me, aware of my timidness. is it real?

i like when you stand next to me. your presence is so warm and comforting, even without a touch, i feel bound to you somehow, like we are uniquely tied.

i love watching you do what you love. it makes me smile to see you in your element. i love how you excitedly talk about your passions. there is so much joy in your spirit.

when it feels like i am forgotten, you always remind me i am not. without words, but rather with simple gestures, and unthought touch, under which my body softens, and my walls threaten to break down.

i wonder what you are really thinking. do your words speak truth?

i'm glad you're not with her anymore, but it makes me nervous. things feel possible. i've become so scared of the way that i feel. and more terrified to think, these things that hold so much meaning for me, are lost on you.

you.
can i forget you?
when all i do is dream of you?
and i wonder can we so simply be together?
can we walk hand in hand and explore the met together?
can we have leisure sundays in central park?
can we take a late subway home and stumble the remaining blocks clutching onto each other, laughing and breathing in the cool new york air?
could there be a  for always future for us?

speechless.

weekend-ish.

shopping with nana, a meaningful chick flick, hanging pictures, afternoon at the pond feeding ducks, reeses pieces, swimming, finishing the great gatsby, iced coffee with cream, church with a new friend, God conversations, heartfelt prayers, words that hold power, songs that offer comfort, staying up late, laughing about nothing, gluten free goodies, writing to change the world, headbands and felt flowers, writing cards, yoga in the mornings, being thankful, creating space, quietly falling asleep with the windows open and the music on low, catching up on blue bloods, and smiling a lot :)

art inspired.

i've been so blessed in the last few weeks to be immersed in beautiful art.  i've always felt that God speaks through art.  after all He is the first and ultimate artist.  He can be credited with the creation of the universe and the imagination of man...therefore, all art in some way or another is a reflection of the image of God.  movies, music, art...i believe in so many ways it points to the incomprehensible beauty and imagination of God. 

it started with my trip to new york and being surrounded by the most amazing archritecture, the galiant green parks, and the historic art museums. mainly the paintings i saw in the met and the moma are what stick with me the most. seeing the actual brush strokes of an original van gogh up close and personal was without exaggeration a life altering experience.  my eyes had never beheld such a wonder but have dreamed to for over a decade.  i literally felt every feeling i've ever had about art and my own artistic abilities shift to the possible realm and all of my worry and stress transformed into to the most joyous and quiet calm i have ever felt.
behold the wonder...

riding on this artistic high i randomly chose to see midnight in paris yesterday with my grandma. we were both in awe of the cinematic shots of paris in the rain, paris in the day, and the glory of paris at night, as well as the culture and creative minds the film depicted from history to today. woody allen did a phenomenal job taking the viewer back to a time when literature and art were in their finest form...with the pieces of pablo picasso, the mind of salvador dali, the writings of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and the forgotten and rarely embraced dream of people today, going after there long harbored desires of writing, traveling, living abroad, and not settling for what we think we are supposed to. it sounds pretentious and i feel pretentious writing like this, but i feel so strongly about all of this.  these are things that inspire me to live and do.  i feel so naturally drawn to art, painting, reading, writing, traveleing and seeing the world, whether it be through pictures, dreaming, or actually going and seeing first hand. all of this makes me wonder about the life meant for me...i believe there is an adventure to be embraced here, i just haven't quite figured at how, when, exactly what, with who, exactly where it will take me, but i do most certainly know why.

holding onto hope.

after the whirlwind of school, and then a vacation turned into a longer stay, i am settling back into the regularly scheduled program of life.  there's so much of day to day life that i enjoy, so many simple things, like reading a book, being outside, taking a nap, cuddling with a kitty, drinking a cup of tea, painting a picture, and writing...but all of this seems hindered by an overwhelming burden i'd like to call "what the hell am i doing with my life?" 

i am twenty seven years old and i keep thinking of that part in pride and prejudice (the 2005 focus features version) when elizabeth bennet and charlotte lucas are discussing charlotte's recent engagement to the ridiculous mr. collins.  lizzie is of course shocked and appalled by the news.  and what is charolotte's response? "i'm twenty - seven years old, i've no money and no prospects. i'm already a burden to my parents and i'm frightened. so don't you dare judge me lizzie. don't you dare!" oh, it's heartbreaking and quite matches my greatest fear, and that is, of settling.  not solely for a mate, but for a job, for a lifestyle, for a role, that i never really wanted nor was made for.  it is so easy to get wrapped up in the what if's? and the seemingly limited possibilities.

i've just sort of been inwardly frazzled, while outwardly appearing calm and collected about it (which happens to be rather uncharacterisic of me).  my mouth speaks words that don't agree with the state of my heart.  i think i am trying to achieve that sort of thinking that if i keep saying that i'm okay, that it's okay, then that truth will finally sink into my heart and settle there.  it hasn't happened yet.  i know i've got it all mix matched and i am frantically searching for answers with no prayers.  i wish i instantly had the patience to take a day, or even just a moment, and stop trying to figure out the answer and just pray and let my anxious control of these life decisions escape from my tight grasp.  but it's oh so hard.

Oh if we could all just simply rest in and rely upon the comfort and truth of these words to guide our way....Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."

this view was captured from the top of the rockafeller center.  while everyone was staring down at the majestic central park, my eyes were drawn upward and the only word i could think was...heaven.  and heaven=hope.

music joy.

lykke li often ends up on every playlist i create.  though she seems to fly under the radar, her beautiful songs have ended up in many movies and t.v. shows.  as she sits on the top of my itunes rotation because of her unique voice and songs that fit any day, mood, or theme, she seemed the perfect fit for music sharing!

nyc you still have my heart.

my existence lies here in southern california, but my heart remains in nyc. a brief season away from my normal life and it feels like the whole world should have changed.  but it hasn't, only my heart has changed.  i am in love with nyc...and i know i will miss it terribly when i am gone.  i feel alive here.  i know it cannot last forever.  i was and am in endless awe of the city that never sleeps.  i feel as though i walk around everywhere with my mouth gaping open, gasping at every beautiful sight my blessed eyes are able to behold.  how i long for a life of luxury in manhattan, perhaps selfishly so, but i can't help but think of what an amazing opportunity it would be and the endless amounts of possibilities that exist in staying here.  usually, i am always happy to return back to the home i know, but this is perhaps the first time i feel more sad to leave.  it is as if life elsewhere  has lost its color so suddenly.  i never thought i could love any place more than southern california, but here i am with a change of heart.

loving simple things.

i much too much enjoy the quiet of life.  i enjoy traversing my inner world and living in a special intimacy and calm on a daily basis.  i love the opportunity to imagine and the ability that creativity brings to my mind and heart.  every time i think of my life as a whole, the future that lays out in front of me, the present i am in, i think of one word that i long for, one thing that i crave. simplicity.  i like simple things.  i like folding laundry,  packing a suitcase, lying on my bed and staring out the window getting lost in my thoughts and dreams.  when heavy things are happening, i like that a lightness in life can still exist.  i like opening the screen door and feeling the sun warm my skin inch by inch, and letting the late afternoon breeze fill my insides with its calm. i like stopping on walks to smell the flowers and admire God's creativity that so inspires me. simplicity...it's truly wonderful.

sigh no more.

lately at church the pastor has been focusing on this series sort of about our sighs.  what do you sigh about? sometimes i feel like life can just be one big sigh.  the word sigh can act as a noun or a verb. the noun sigh refers to a long, deep, sometimes audible exhalation expressing sadness, relief, tiredness, or something akin to these things.  the verb sigh refers to emitting a long deep audible breath expressing those same feelings stated above.  as always, as i feel a lot, it is easy to become entrenched in reasons to sigh.  yet, i never seem to get stuck there too long, because there is always hope, and a rope to grab to pull me out. i think, i pray that happens for all of us. i heard a wonderful testimony of a woman who overcame severe drug addictions that were insanely deep.  she heard God's voice when she was living in a storm drain calling her out of it. it was truly amazing.  but in the same vein i've watched a friend walk down that tortured path and die because of it. sigh.it's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and how God is working in the midst of it. i always go back to this truth found in Isaiah.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways, my ways, says the Lord. for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways than your ways, and my thoughts, higher than your thoughts.

i think there is something so profound about this. sometimes it is hard to comprehend truth in the heart. we relegate it to the dusty corner of our mind, never letting it penetrate to the heart. i know that He is so much better than anything else. and yet my heart often wanders off away from what my head knows. i vacillate between His ways and my own...and that is when the sighs creep in. and of course the sighs are usually rooted in lies, and than the sin enters into the picture. ugh, what a vicious cycle it becomes. i know i cannot overcome the sighs, the lies, and the sin on my own. but with Him, who is able to do beyond anything I can imagine or comprehend, I too can be changed. because He loves me enough to change me. woah! for real? just letting that sink in a little bit literally blows my mind.

as i think about sighs, these lyrics keep floating around in my head, and really they are kind of an awesome reminder that fits. ~love will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free, be more like the man you were meant to be, there is a design, an alignment, a cry, of my heart to see, the beauty of love as it was made to be.~

dreaming.

this whole blog has been centered on the idea of dreams.  dreaming is somewhat akin to sustenance in my book.  i need a dream to keep my life in forward motion.  we fill our days with to do lists, we read the news headlines with worry and alarm, we consider the state of our jobs, our families, and relationships, and sometimes i wonder how we keep it all together and keep pressing on.  but we do, for the most part.  sometimes we aid our forward motion with unhealthy things basically meant to keep us from offing ourselves. but there will come an end to that as well.  we have dreams that can sustain us for a moment...but we need dreams to sustain us through a lifetime and to wake us up with joy in the morning and carry us calmly into the evening.  my personal dreams are small and simple.  i never wanted much, and what i dream of, on the outside, seems easily attainable.  some days though it seems as if those dreams just aren't meant to be. in spite of that, the hope they offer me never leaves, and i know that is because of the BIG dream that they are rooted in.  The dream of eternity with LOVE.

floating.

lately, i've just been...sigh...floating along with life, in life, maybe just outside of life.  let me first clarify, i am not depressed, nor am i sad, nor am i really confused.  maybe i'm a little tired, maybe even a little bored, but truthfully i can't exactly place just what it is i am feeling.  i'm longing for a change of scenery, however, it is not because i don't like the scene i am currently living in.  i feel like i am staring at a bright sunshine with no reason to complain, and yet here i sit...feeling a bit...lost. maybe? i don't know. it's such a strange feeling, place in life, i've never really encountered before.  frankly i do not know how to pick up and move on from it.  i can't seem to brush it under the rug, the way in which i can with sadness and despair.  it is not bad, nor is it good.  i sense it is something God is behind.  He is using these feelings, this floating time, to stir something in me, to open a new door, to lead me somewhere different. when i consider this, i become very afraid and anxious that somehow i will miss it.  maybe i've been too lazy or too afraid to notice it. maybe i'm allowing too much noise or busyness in my life that i will not be attentive to His voice. but then again, He has a pretty good record of drawing me out of my messes, my sadness, my confusion, and leading me to a path anew, without any help from me.
i can't help it...this song makes me feel calm and hopeful, strangely enough...floating in the forth...

Sunday Thoughts

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.” ~Anne Lamott

An extra hour of daylight and a soft cool evening breeze (such grace) thank you Lord.  I breathe it all in...I am so unworthy.

God is not glorified in what we have.  I don't think he cares much for all the stuff we gather up and hold so dearly over the course of our days.  Rather I think God is glorified in who we are, and by how we act.  Our ability to act is a result of His grace.  Act in love in whatever you do.

truth.

today i am in love with California.  i am in love with sleeping with the windows open. i am in love with taking walks under the early morning sun, and i am falling in love with writing again.  the difficulty in writing for me is that the desire to do so doesn't always last for a long time, or doesn't come or stay with any sort of fervency. but today it exists and it's taking me to beautiful places in my soul and in this world.


what i finally figured out: there is no cosmic importance in whether i write or not. there is no great matter in me ever being a published writer. i write simply to uncover me, discover the world in a new and different way, and to communicate things i could never communicate orally to any person in particular.


writing is therapeutic.  writing is wondrous.  i am a writer. i want to be comfortable enough in my own skin, to say that last statement, to write it, without cringing.  who is comfortable enough in their own skin to admit that they are what they want to be...what they dream to be...who they truly are.  why is it so hard?  why does it seem to be such a treacherous battle with ones own self to finally find some semblance of comfort in their own skin.


the beginning of becoming a true writer, the beginning of becoming my true self, to finding comfort in my own skin, is to tell the truth.  where is truth? what is truth?


i'm a writer.
i'm a writer.
i'm a writer.

music joy. part two.

sounds like hallelujah.
I’m just waiting on the sun 
To close his eyes and call the night
So we can put all our differences aside

I’m just waiting on the moon 
With all the stars and all it’s gloom
We can watch it fall right back into place

So I won’t keep myself around
Just to keep you warm

Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men
Momma don’t put no gun in my hand
I don’t wanna end up like these men

I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying 
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time

And I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you someday
I’ll miss you 

I’m not walking away
I’m just hearing what you’re saying 
For the first time
Sounds like hallelujah for the first time
For the first time
I’m singing hallelujah for the first time

choosing joy.

I originally began this post on Christmas Eve and never published it.  But looking upon it now I find it fitting to add to today's post.  For awhile now I've set before myself the task of choosing joy.  I call it a task because often it proves quite difficult to live with true authentic joy.  Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it, and sometimes we can't even do that.  I have one friend who holds me accountable to this task of choosing joy.  She struggles with the same elements of it that I do and that is probably because our lives are quite similar.  I mention this because I find that accountability is salient for a feat such as this.  Live in and with joy at all times.  What has instigated and aided this fervent desire within me is the reading of this book.

I know I've blogged about reading this book before.  It has taken me months to get through it, and today I finally finished.  The reason it took so long was because it was simply a book I needed to chew slowly and process unhurriedly.  I struggled with much of it because it spoke to my heart so deeply.  In fact nothing has ever spoken to the depths of my heart like this book.  I want to share what the last pages spoke to my heart:


Spiritual growth has no boundaries.  It is tough, tough, tough! But in waiting there is wonder...a tough sacred wonder. Once divine compassion wakes us and stretches out its tender arms inside of us, we are never the same again.  We are compelled to suffer with, wait with, cry with those around us.  We want to relieve their pain as much as we are able.  Jesus was walking, talking compassion.  When we really live our True Self, we become that as well.  We become Christ.  We show an uncanny interest in the poor, the excluded, the despised and the least.  The coming of the true self tosses us into the wreckage of the world and asks us to bind up what wounds we can and do our small part to recreate a planet of community and justice, where there is fullness of life for everyone. Today welcome the Voice that bids you, me, us to come to the edge.  Welcome the gentle push of God, who is both our wings and the wind that bears them up.


This reminded me of what I experienced on Christmas Eve.  What God spoke to my heart.  So I revisited it today...


Christmas Eve 2010.  This year's Christmas is turning out to be just another ordinary Christmas.  It is not overly wonderful and there is certainly nothing terrible about it.  If anything it is just about the same as it is every year.  Every year I anticipate and expect something miraculous and magical to happen and every year it turns out to be pretty ordinary.  However, I shouldn't belittle my experience this holiday any because truly the most important thing that could happen, happened.  Last night I went to the Christmas Eve Eve service at Journey.  It has been awhile since I've attended a church service.  I think I felt uncomfortable going back to Journey for several reasons, none of which had to do with the church itself.  I was reminded yet again last night why it is I go to Journey.  Journey is a church where I feel like I can be myself.  Everything about that church is compatible with who I am.  In all my years of church going I have never found a church that I can so feel at home with.  God speaks to me when I am there...always, without a doubt.  He speaks.  He spoke to me last night.  LOUD AND CLEAR.  I think He has been telling me the same thing over and over and over and over, it's just that I can't seem to get it yet.  I let myself get too busy, too overwhelmed, to numb, to angry, too sad, and then I shut down and shut Him out, and tell Him that I don't want to hear it anymore.  But He got me to church last night.  He got me in that seat.  He opened my eyes, my heart, my ears, my soul, to hear, to listen, to process and absorb.  And now, it is all clear.


Jennifer, the dog days are over.  I am not indifferent to your pain.  I long for you to experience joy.  I sent my Son Jesus in the form of a baby to live life on earth so that you could ultimately know my Joy.  I care about your joy.  You are not invisible to me.  I see you.  I care about you.  Your heart will be restless until you find rest in Me.  In Me you will find fullness of joy.  Your heart will be satisfied.  Seek Me.  Say Yes to Me!  I will show myself to You!  What do I require of you?
He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
   and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8


Joy seems less difficult with these gentle heartfelt reminders that bring tears to my eyes and calm to my soul.  I wish I didn't struggle and fret so.  I wish that I would choose to rest in Him, and to seek Him first every moment of each day. Not because I feel I have to, because in all reality that is my true desire that struggles to reign freely and first.  The desire for my vices reigns strongly too.  They take me to places I wish I'd never go.  But He always brings me out...victoriously! Lord, let these wishy washy ways become less frequent as I wake each day with the desire and intent to choose You...to choose Joy.  I want to live in my heart home, where joy reigns.  Keep me there and cause me to bring others there too as much as I am able.

all things loved.

my blogging habits have been very poor these days. in fact, i am not certain i've ever had excellent blogging habits.  i think this mainly lies in the fact that my blogging tends to fall all over the place without really having a specific purpose.  in considering this, i decided to make a list of those things that i love that might enhance this somewhat purposeless blog, seeing as how i have managed to hold onto it for three years now.  


when it comes to reading other people's blogs i tend to follow those who write about the spiritual life, home decor, fashion, crafts, and teaching or writing.  now i love all these things, but consider myself less than an expert in most of them.  in fact i don't really consider myself an exceptional expert of anything.  however, i have an insatiable interest in music and books.  i love movies and my dvd collection is ridiculous...and i love, love, love making rather silly art projects that are more akin to something a five year old would produce rather than a mature twenty something.  


because this blog is about dreams i always figured it would just be a chronicle of my life and the pursuit of my dreams.  but because that has turned out to be less than interesting, i thought why not write about things that are exciting and interesting. however, that still may mean that i will continue to be the only reader of this blog:) but still, today i begin with this post entitled: all things loved.


since the holiday of love is just around the corner, it only seems fitting to write about something that i love dearly.  now first let's get a few things straight. i am not in love, nor have i ever been.  and yes i used to feel like my life lacked something because i was not in love or have ever really been close. we could get into all my neuroses and really investigate why that is, but i prefer to for now just say that love is not in the air for this girl.  i won't fill this blog with lies and say that i do not want to eventually one day find love, but to be perfectly honest i am in no hurry. don't be deceived though, that sense of unhurriedness does not mean that i don't feel any pressure to find someone.  i just don't ever want to do it for the wrong reasons.  truly i'm the kind of girl that can contentedly be alone for a good part of the time.  in fact, i think there is something to it that a lot of other people miss out on because they are too afraid to be alone.  i often find myself liking the parts of life and stories before the girl or guy meets his/her guy or gal.  often times life seems swell as a single person, and only much more dramatic and shaky when that "perfect" someone enters the picture, and that isn't to say that love can't be a joyous adventure. i perhaps like the advice best that i draw from an extremely wise source better known as the diary of bridget jones.  i will not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete with no boyfriend. (it must be added that this is best way to obtain boyfriend.)
so as i am currently a twenty something singleton with no single man remotely in sight, my heart instead for the time being and perhaps forever, belongs to a group of twenty five men, give or take a few, better known as my favorite baseball team, the san diego padres. for now these men have my heart and utmost affection :) and to celebrate the holiday of love, i spent my saturday with thousands of others and two dear friends at Fanfest. after spending eight hours at one of the nicest ballparks in the country i find that i am once again totally in love with the team this year. i know i say it every year, but i have the deepest unwavering faith, and perhaps am also a glutton for disappointment, but i think these boys can pull it out this year, and find themselves...dare i speak it, or rather write the sacred words...at the World Series! while i wait for the season to take full swing, i will tide myself over with the memories.

 Pitchers!

 Loved his fedora!

 Infielders!

 The team that almost did it, the year I was born! I was destined to be a fan. 

Beyond love for all things baseball, and the San Diego Padres...I loved making cute valentine's for my lovely dear friends this year!

If I can make anything with owls you better believe i will do it! :)