2015: in reading//so far

 *disclaimer: my reading goal for 2015 was to read a book a week.  ambitious, i know.  but it was an important one to me.  it definitely didn't pan out as i should have read 25 books by now.  however, i've read just 10, which is actually pretty good considering the year i've had.  now this being my first summer off in ages, i have declared it the summer of reading, an enjoyable plan if there ever was one.  so without futher adieu, here is my year in reading so far:

1) Me Before You by JoJo Moyes | January

this. book. got. under. my. skin. 

the characters make decisions the reader is not necessarily inclined to make themselves.  in which case, this story often feels uncomfortable at the very least.  it is a book that made me wonder and question my very own set moral beliefs (which in my humble opinion makes for great writing).

i look at lou, will, her family and his, and i felt with each one's plight.  and to feel with every character really makes for a good writer, because i often don't feel with every character.  up until this book i hadn't read anything by jojo moyes, but now plan to read more.  her writing is rare because it is clear she is intimately involved in the lives, heart, dreams, and deepest fears of all of her characters, no matter how minor.  she writes as a seeming expert on physical disabilities and the emotional terrain of the disabled as well as the caregiver. i have two favorite things about this book.  the first was that the author's bravery to play with different vantage points randomly throughout.  even though the majority of the book was written from lou's perspective, i appreciated the chapters that provided an outsider's perspective of lou and will and the ongoings of the story.  the second was the ending.  i found myself getting angry once i realized 300 pages in how things were going to go down.  i even felt betrayed, which seems silly, but i imagine it was probably exactly what moyes intended the reader to feel.  it made me connected to lou and walk in her pain with her.  but ever so suddenly with only a few pages left the reader is seemed to made to understand will and his choices.  it is not an agreement, but rather an acceptance. and that is something because i am a person who tends to walk a high moral ground with little allowances for what i deem immoral choices even in literature and film.  and yet, the story ends, and i understand, and i question, and i wonder.  for those readers that only want a happy, feel good ending...perhaps this book isn't for them.  but there is some solace to be grasped in the end, and maybe after all, in the end, what matters most is that we love the best that we can.

2) The Only Necessary Thing by Henri Nouwen | January

this is one of the best books on prayer and perhaps the only one on the subject matter i may recommend.  i began reading this in 2011 as part of my devotional time.  but had left off on chapter 9 for some unremembered reason.  so in january i picked it back up and started over.  henri nouwen is a favorite of mine on matters of day to day intimately walking with Christ.  i think he was an infj.  his writing feels meant for me.  that is how it seems when i sit down with any one of his books.  its like a deep theological conversation with a wise and vulnerable friend. this is a small bit i truly treasure from his thoughts: on "Desire"~the desire for communion is a God-given desire, a desire that causes immense pain as well as immense joy.  Jesus came to proclaim that our desire for communion is not in vain, but will be fulfilled by the One who gave us that desire. 

3) Yes Please by Amy Poehler | November-March

i used to hate amy poehler.  i thought she was stupid and irritating.  i didn't have much to base that on, so it was a rather unfair conclusion that i drew.  then i discovered parks and recreation about three seasons in and i came to adore her.  well, probably more so the character of leslie knope. but that inspired me to know (through my own research) the woman, amy poehler.  and not much longer after that, i discovered she was writing a book.  and this is one of those books i find myself at the bookstore purchasing the very week it was released.  and since reading it i now feel as if we are friends.  what i loved about amy's writing that is unlike most other memoirs is that she was candid, vulnerable and honest while still living in the hollywood limelight.  she gave her fans and readers an intimate portrait of amy poehler the woman, the mother, the aspiring comedian, the successful actress, writer, improv performer, as well as a divorcee who seems to be navigating that unruly terrain with class.  i am never much a fan of divorce, as i am of those who fight for their relationships.  divorce always looks more akin to giving up on someone, especially when it seems to be over what the hollywood people seem to be big fans of, "irreconcilable differences".  however, what i found to be different about poehler's divorce experience was how highly respectful and loving she remains toward her now ex-husband and how highly she esteems him as the father of her children. side note: i especially loved to discover that the 'ann perkins|leslie knope friendship' seems to be just as really as rashida jones and amy poehler!

4) Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler | February

this book is fun.  i like to just look at it.  it actually reminds me of a book i put together as a child, a mixture of words and pictures.  this book is my one young adult read for the beginning of this year and in many ways i adored it.  i took my time with it and chewed on it slowly.  however, it definitely could have been a quick read.  much of it feels typical.  it is what i've seen in many other books and film and my own life in regards to the behavior and idea of falling and being in love in teenage world.  but what i liked most was the last few pages...the true expression of a bitter, bitter heartbreak...through one too young to experience such things.  though i did have some qualms with some of the content, it was authentic and honest and that is what good writing is. 

5)The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins | March

 

this was one of the best narratives i have read in awhile.  i like reading a tale that is out of the ordinary for me.  i am not much of a mystery reader, but this one came highly recommended by gals whose tastes in reading, i often emulate. it wasn't as quick as a read as i had hoped, though i was never bored.  there were two things i really liked about the girl on the train. what i liked most about it was the split between three different yet connected narratives.  we get to hear the story through the lives of three different women.  mainly the focus lies on the protagonist, rachel.  rachel stirred up empathy, sympathy and a lot of cringing.  i think the reader can easily at the very least sympathize with rachel's plight. though it may be a struggle as it seems she makes many errors in judgement that just leave the reader wondering why. but as we hear megan and anna's stories we may even begin to  feel sorrier for rachel and if nothing else we hope for her, that things can and will get better. the second thing i liked was an unexpected ending.  i often don't catch the hints surrounding most plot twists, but i think paula hawkins did a masterful job keeping this one underwraps.  until the very end it is unexpected.  and i loved that!

 

6) Small Victories by Anne Lamott | February-May

i am biased when it comes to anne lamott. she's my lady.  i was introduced to her sophomore year of college by one of my favorite psychology professors.  traveling mercies (some thoughts on faith) has remained a worn and treasured companion over the years that i regularly revisit.  small victories, i believe is a third installment of a devotional type of book she has written.  it began with help, thanks wow (which i only liked), which led me to skip over stitches (the second installment), but i ended up picking this one up, because it felt needed.  and it was...needed.  anne lamott writes with candor.  she too writes like you're having a conversation with a dear friend, who perhaps thinks very different from you, but still offers great insight and wisdom into your life that helps foster your own spiritual growth.  i love how real she is and how she is able to tap deeply into so much of the human experience that i would imagine anyone could relate to.

7) The Good Luck of Right Now by Matthew Quick | March-May

i absolutely adored this book.  i was a "silver linings" fan, but not to the point that i would think everything matthew quick writes is a masterpiece.  however, this was a quirky tale told through letters to richard gere.  i enjoyed that aspect of it.  soon richard gere turns into this god-like guiding light for the main character bartholomew neil.  it was difficult to determine (and maybe it was just me) what exactly bartholemew's deal was.  without giving too much away his mother had recently passed away from brain cancer and as solace, a way to deal with grief, he began writing letters to richard gere who was his mother's great love.  he believed she was hallucinating richard gere before her death and he would often take on playing the role to appease her.  it is also important to note that bartholemew neil is a thirty-nine year old man who has never held a job and has been living with his single mother all his life.  Add a cast of charming characters, a grief counselor named Wendy, the girl-brarian, an ex-priest, and a few other gems, the good luck of right now is a beautifully weaved tale of unconditional love, acceptance, healing, and the path to wholeness.

8) Scary Close by Donald Miller | February & June

before i write exactly what i think about this book, let me first say, donald miller isn't for everyone.  not everyone who read Blue Like Jazz loved it.  but i did.  i also found great life meaning in reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  so, i suppose i have a bias toward Miller.  even if donald miller isn't for you, i believe Scary Close is.  i say that because i think every human being should read this book. it might just be me and my personality, which feels close to how don describes himself at the beginning of the book...especially because of the relational patterns he goes through.  but i think everyone can learn something about their false self, identifying their true self and pursuing relationships unabashedly, intimately and with deep vulnerability.

9) All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven | May-June

 

i am torn on how i feel about this one.  i heard jennifer niven speak about her experience writing this book at a ya panel in pasadena.  i ended up buying it after hearing what a personal story it was for her.  she was sweet, soft-spoken and held the same admiration for fellow ya author stephen chobsky that i do.  so i felt we connected and i bought her book.  the thread of this story hits a little close to home for me as well, and maybe that's why it didn't sit as well.  theodore finch and violet markey tell the story through alternating chapter.  violet is grief-stricken after losing her sister less than a year ago after a freak car accident that she was a part of.  theodore finch is a layered teenage boy with much angst and unsureness as any teenager, but he also carries layers of deep pains and wounds that we get see unfold throughout his tale, an absentee father, and really an absent mother as well, and then the fact that he has been dubbed the school freak, really for reasons i feel we as readers are not made to fully understand...with the exception of a specific incident at the beginning of the book. like with my first book of the year, i found myself angry by the end.  i kept thinking over and over, it doesn't, it didn't have to be this way.  i get it.  but really?  why? why? why? and that is where my own experiences begin to cloud my judgement on this book.  truly, it is good.  i am glad niven had the courage to tackle the issues in this book.  you definitely get the sense, she gets it, and maybe that's all you really need when it comes to stuff like this.  someone who gets it.

line i love/the last line: "I tread water on the surface under the wide, open sky and the sun and all that blue which reminds me of Theodore Finch, just like everything else reminds me of him, and I think of my own epitaph, still to be written, and all the places I'll wander.  No longer rooted, but gold, flowing.  I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me." -violet markey

10) Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel | June

i am not one for post-apocalyptic reads.  in fact, i didn't really have a clue that's what i was getting into when i picked this one up.  what i will say though, is that mandel creates the most beautiful post-apocalyptic world i could ever imagine.  this is an interesting tale of life after a flu pandemic wipes out most of the world's population.  only a few small groupings scattered across the globe, though mainly the US, are left to live in the aftermath.  There are many character's narratives to follow in this book.  On one hand it is enjoyable, and on the other it gets a bit confusing.  truly, i recommend this book as a unique and entertaining read.  it saw me through eight hours of jury duty.  while i got lost sometimes, i appreciated that it made me appreciate the small things, such as being able to turn on a light, have a warm cup of tea, to be able to sleep in my own bed, and not worry about self-protection in the sense that i carry a weapon on me wherever i go.  there are three characters in the story i think readers might identify with most that are weaved through most of the plot.  all of the characters are inter-connected as well, in that eventually at some point or another their paths cross.  i would have loved to see more of jeevan's character development, but i've read other reader's reviews and many felt the author did his character justice.  the thing i've found i really desire with this one is to talk about it with people, so i will spend the summer passing it onto as many friends as possible.

inside out//a both + and kind of life

it was years ago that my spiritual director began talking with me about living a both/and kind of life.  it was, at the time, such a foreign and incomprehensible thought.  to live and to hold two seemingly contradictory truths felt like it went against every fiber of my being.  my 24 year old self still did not seem to understand that life can be both happy and sad and that those two realities, how opposing they may seem can actually bring one into deeper more heartfelt living.

since then i have learned that things don't always need to be an either/or experience.  it doesn't have to be all bad or all good.  memories fade and can be colored differently then they were actually lived out in the present moment.  regardless more than likely from every experience endured or enjoyed has both positive and negative elements, and that's okay.  it feels so simplistic now to say and write.  but the battle to come into that comprehension was hard fought.

yesterday i went to see inside out.  my expectation for this children's film was small, but its content circled around my heart and mind for the rest of the day.  i like to think there is joy and sadness working inside all of us for our good.  it really was such a beautiful depiction of how i think God has truly designed us.  we are meant to experience varying degrees of emotions and our experiences all affect us differently.  some of us are more inclined to anger and disgust, while others of us have a stronger pull towards joy or sadness.  whatever the case may be it is all part of this internal design we were born with.  and how we cope is part of that design.  it is intricate and most of the time it seems to reach far beyond our limited human understanding.

sometimes we can be damaged greatly.  sometimes our pains never really heal properly.  they are left to be cut again and damaged further.  but I think in God's perfect creation and design we are never wounded beyond repair, in spite of all the baggage that we carry, there is still redemption and healing in our stories if we are alive and walking. 
and you know what, amidst tears or laughter, heartache or joy, it is pretty damn beautiful.

a deep ambivalence//the kindness of grace

What am I doing? Tearing myself.  My usual occupation at most times. | Charles Dickens

Some of us were ambivalent.  But we don't do ambivalence well in America.  

We do courage of our convictions.  We do might makes right.  

Ambivalence is French.  Certainty is American | Anna Quindlen

As for accomplishments, I did just what I had to do as things came along | Eleanor Roosevelt

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. | Martin Luther King Jr.

i have been long absent from this blog and it disappoints me.  i had great ambitions for this little creative space of mine as the year began.  and now roughly six months in, i find myself wondering what has kept me from pouring out thoughts, feelings, learnings and life events from the last few months.

i think what has been happening is that as of late i am bit ambivalent about life.  and not just certain aspects of life, but rather much of it. 

ambivalence is not a place i like to exist in and yet it is literally where i am finding myself.  in theory, escape seems so easy.  like just decide to get out.  decide to feel a certain way. just do it.  change it.  but i cannot.  it doesn't work like that.  i don't work like that.  does any human work like that?

instead i am praying for a way out of it...a way of finding myself in a place that doesn't feel so ambiguous, oppressive and so opposite of what i wish i had and what i think i want. 

it's hard because there seem to be timetables on my ambivalence.  i must decide.  i must figure it all out.  i must have an answer.  and the funny thing about it is, for once these are not self-imposed timetables.  i am forced to demonstrate the courage of conviction.  i like what Quindlen said.  it is such an american thing to demonstrate courage and sureness and certainty.  but what do you do when you don't have it?  what do you do when you cannot give it and it is literally being demanded of you?

i want this, but i don't.

it is okay, but it actually isn't.

i am okay and i am not.

and it is in this ambivalence, in this unsureness,  in these great doubts, that perhaps i can more authentically experience the kindness of my Savior, the kindness of His grace upon grace, that i am so undeserving of, but is truly the only thing that is getting me through.

it is the kindness of His grace that is carrying me through the thick of a deep ambivalence.  and it is His grace that i trust will lead me to a sense of certainty, but until then i walk in faith.  a faith that i am staking my future and my life on.  as scary as that is, i suppose that might be just where He wants me.