here is where.

the sun hides behind the earth
blue skies melt to black
God's eyes never close.

here is where we used to sit and talk for hours.
this is where we sat and watched the sunset.
here is where we laughed watching the birds bathe in the water.
here is where we cried just thinking about it all.
here is where we shivered as the sun slipped away and the sky turned to black.
here is where you told me, "no matter how dark it gets my eyes never close."

hello weekend, good-bye looooonnnnggggg week.

heading down a path anew...

i don't want to be skeptical or faithless when it comes to my own life and my own circumstances. i can believe for others...why can I not believe for myself?
it irriatates me so when we talk about the fact that God is on our side when things are good, but then we question where He is when things are bad. did He really just up and leave, or is He still very much there. I have to believe there is a reason behind it all. there must be. these things, so complicated as they are, cannot be meaningless. God is good and God is just. Do we just simply trust that in all circumstances? Circumstances do not determine feelings, nor are they indicative of what will happen in the future. We cannot base our understandings on our circumstances, at least from the viewpoint we can see from, becuase we can never see the whole big picture, espescially when we are in it, and maybe not ever.

Lord, help me to trust, to remember and understand who You are.

may this weekend bring restoration to troubled hearts, worried minds, and weary souls.

looking forward to an encouraging talk from a strong friend.
longing to release all these pent up tears.
aching for quiet & comfort.

Lord, comfort and quiet hearts. Heal sick bodies. May our confidence and hope be placed solely in You. I am wholly trusting You.

looking forward to cuddling with this face.

needing a hot bath, my book, and some bon iver.

mmm...

this song makes me think of my grandpa.

i found this painting of his for sale online. it looks like a demo, and it's ridiculously priced, but i really want it. love the colors.

this one evokes such a somber, yet hopeful something...makes me wonder what was on his mind when painting this...

makes me want to try watercolor again.

emerald city.

i want an emerald. they're beautiful. it's what i want for my wedding ring. diamonds are boring, emeralds pop! it's just a bright symbol of hope and beauty to me. i can't really explain it more. i just love emeralds.

well, i guess if i had to explain the story behind the emerald love, i'd say it is three-fold.
it goes back to the wizard of oz and emerald city. we all know emerald city is the fictional place located in the center of the land of Oz, at the end of the famous yellow brick road. it just makes me associate emeralds with hope.
then emerald city is the nickname of the city i dream to live in someday. (seattle) where it feels like my heart always was meant to be.
and then the emerald being my birthstone...i don't know it's just something that has meaning to me.
and again emeralds are just beautiful :)

enjoyment...

wanting to see this movie...


can't wait to hear their new album...


enjoying reading this book...


loving this view out my window and some momentary sunshine...

the weekend that was.

"In the beginning of our spiritual life we ought to be faithful in doing our duty and denying ourselves; but after that, unspeakable pleasures followed. That in difficulties we need only have recourse to Jesus Christ and beg His grace, with that everything became easy."~Brother Lawrence



this weekend i had to shut off. i just had to move through the moments without any sort of feeling attached to them, unless i was to dissolve to tears, or lash out in anger. sometimes i think i have all my shit together, and i am always sadly mistaken. oh such a fool i can be. it is always once i resolve to move forward bravely and do the things i know i need to be doing, it is in that resolve that i always tend to crumble. it is then that the lies seep in, the critics have their say, the enemies beat you down, and then you're just you lying on the floor, weakened and defeated.



but it is when you are down, out for the count, completely humiliated, that the light begins to seep in again. if i turn my thoughts towards Him, away from me, away from them, away from this, i remember grace. i remember love. i remember forgiveness. it is so hard to live in moment by moment. it is so easy to just fade into the bleakness of life. to move through the motions, through the monotony, forcing yourself to look up, to touch, to do.

brother lawrence got something i have yet to grasp. i read his wisdom again and again and i am perplexed, inspired, challenged, and discouraged. he just seemed to do it. he got it and he did it. he met life with grace and ease because he faced it with God.

I want to get there.

extra bold like a sumatran tiger.

so after much pondering i think i've finally narrowed down this top ten list for 2010

it is a joyful thing, which seems a bit heartbreaking when i consider the state of the lives of those another world away, suffering one of the most heartbreaking devestations one can face. but that is a dichotomy we often face, isn't it? births and deaths, loves and losses...

we never know what tragedy or wonder may befall us. i walk into this new year with a sobered faith. sometimes the end seems so close...the way in which our world is transforming, on a global level, on a national level, on a personal level, really makes you realize...time is short. tragedies like haiti make you realize...life is short, just a mere blip on the radar that can leave us as easily as it came to us.

As these things weigh on my heart, i am too reminded of our gracious God. though His ways i do not always understand, i know that my understanding is no reflection of their wisdom.

so in humility, creativity, hope, joy, and fear i dream of and pray for these top ten longings and desires for 2010.

1)to serve others.
2)to cultivate community.
3)to live a balanced life.
4)to incorporate thoughtful relflection into every day.
5)to read everyday: something spiritual, something thoughtful, something informative.
6)to nurture the natural.
7)to save money/to tithe regularly.
8)to write daily.
9)to paint daily.
10)Be Bold! (embracing discomfort, fighting through fear, dreaming big, and following through in action!)

meaning?

"Love has a reason, there's a meaning to the world."

how do you know your life means something?

if no one else stands witness to your life what does it matter?

why do the only really meaningful significant things in life seem to be relationally oriented? (that is, getting married and becoming parents.)

what if you never get to experience these things?

is life meaningless?

top ten.

so i am still pondering my top ten for 2010. but how stoked was i to pick up shape magazine and read the "mandy moore's 10 big changes you can make in 2010." i loved her goals/resolutions of sorts for this year. i find that some of mine will fall in line with hers.

specifically i liked her workout goals. she is tall like me...so her workout focuses on strengthening her back and shoulders through pilates to improve bad posture. i need that too ;) she has great tips like frequenting farmer's markets on sunday mornings for fresh vegetables and fruits, growing her own garden, cooking at home, and adding versitality to her workouts!

check out a bit of the article here:
http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/mandy_moore

committed.

what demands commitment that deserves commitment?

dreams becoming reality.

i love the peace that this image evokes. sailboats lazily floating across the bay on a sunny new year's day.

makes me reflective...

this month marks the two year anniversary of this blog. kind of strange. i am not entirely sure why i have kept up with this somewhat faithfully.

it is nice to have a place to unleash thoughts and to ruminate ideas. following this theme of marrying dreams and reality over the past two years has remained appealing to me. it really fuels what i do and how i go about my life. though i do have to admit this merging did not, does not and will not look exactly how i thought or hoped it would.

but that's ok. i've learned that a lot of life isn't always what we hope for.

i can say with some resolute that i am living my dreams. in some shape or fashion they have married themselves with my present reality. i believe in large part that is more a result of God working on my behalf, even when i am not actively seeking His help.

He has shown me time and time again that He is here, always alongside me, within me, moving, working things together in ways i could have never imagined.

now a few days into a new year, i still have that pensive feeling that usually accompanies the end of the year. perhaps the new year will feel more in full swing when i go back to school next week.

it seems as though this year has a lot in store. a lot of what's on my plate is going to require a lot of boldness on my part. i have the feeling i am going to be stretched and challenged more than i ever have been in my entire life. this excites and terrifies me in the same vein. furthermore i anticipate following this path of dreams and reality merging at a much faster pace than the last two years have passed...

my challenge for myself this week is to make a list. lists are wonderful. they really relieve anxiety and offer such grand direction for time periods as short as a day, or as long as five years. back around my bday last year i made a list of thirty things i want to do before i am thirty, and for this year i'd like to make a list of ten things i'd like to do in 2010.

i want to give it some more thought before i post it here. there is something about putting things on this blog really holds me accountable to actually doing something about it.

so as we usher in this new year, let us be bold in our ambitions, big in our dreams, strong in our hopes, and creative with our to-do's!