i want to spend the rest of my life alive.

there are broken parts in everyone. i think we learn more about our broken parts the more we invest in relationships.  as i intentionally invest in people, i am really beginning to feel the wounds that have not healed, the fears that pervade my mind and hold me back.  i am beginning to see...sometimes i really don't know what the hell i am doing, and where i belong. but i am also seeing that a lot of people feel this way.  in fact a lot of our brokenness is similar. we have a lot of the same fears. we can really understand and relate to one another! why do we hold back so much? why are we so afraid? all of this crap keeps us from living...from really being alive.

intentionality.

looking at things from an intentional perspective...

i think i've written about this before.  i've certainly thought about it a lot.  i've come to several points in my life recently in which i've realized that my life often completely lacks intention.  i move along passively, allowing things to happen to me. i am not proactive towards much.  reasons are mainly because i am scared.  scared of failure, scared of rejection, scared of everything falling apart.

i have been trying to focus my life towards being intentional.  i intend to pursue and invest in relationships.  i intend to do well in school, so i work hard, invest financially, and strive for my best in every effort.

i intend to know Jesus more intimately.  I read the Word, i pray, i seek Him...i am intentional about pursuing Him.

lack of intention precedes me, and itches its way in to my everyday life.  I want to be intentional in all things.

I am making a list...a long list, full of dreams, full of ridiculous ideas, full of fun, full of "other's" thinking, full of friendship growth, full of hope, just packed full!

here's a chunk, that i hope to accomplish...sooner rather than later!
(in no particular order)
get a tattoo
lay flowers on my grandparent's grave(s)
watch every 'edward norton' film!
join a writer's group
surf
see a play
donate blood
hollywood star walk
second single subject certification.
short story writing contest(s)
$1,000 down on my credit card
learn Hebrew

love needs room to breathe...

He feels when I need.

He knows when I breathe.

He sees what I dream.

He doesn't let me sink,

He forgives me.

He holds my heart,

so why should I be afraid?

He hung the stars,

so why should I doubt?

He offers freedom and peace,

so why do I run?

monday muse.

Today, and the rest of this week is my spring break.
Unfortunately, I did not realize this was happening until last week, so I failed to make any extraordinary plans.  However, just the beauty of a week free from school,and mainly free of studying and other school related responsibilities is just so, so, so very nice.  A lot of build up for a mediocre word, but really the freedom is just so nice.  I still have work of course, but I don't have to bring any of that home with me.

I am just longing to spend time, real time, quality time with friends, I want to read, read, and oh yeah, read some more.  I want to watch some movies I have been wanting to see for awhile, and I want to finally get that pedicure...and maybe a haircut, and maybe some extra sleep (oh i feel so greedy).  I want to take long walks with no time limit.  How life seems so romantic when not under pressure with deadlines.  I love my education, I do.  I love what I am pursuing.  But for now, the freedom is nice.
And I am so, so, thankful for all of it :)
So for some fun stuff...
Music for Monday:


And let's watch this Movie and finish this Book, and really hoping it doesn't rain again, so a late afternoon walk is possible.

Oh, I am feeling so selfish, but the freedom it's just so nice :)

Healing my Image of GOD.

"Christianity happens when men and women experience the unwavering trust and reckless confidence that comes from knowing the God of Jesus." ~Brennan Manning

All things that make up a true Christian life are all rooted in an authentic and experiential knowledge of God.  God is Love and freely extends His love to us.  Love calls forth love.  Do I really believe God is fond of me, that He loves me?  Am I living my life in a way that shows God I love Him?

There are so many characteristics I attribute to God that are not Him.

It is hard to realize and admit to myself that as far along into the Christian life that I am, I do not really know God.  All the time I could've spent really getting to know Him, I've instead spent doctoring an image of Him that isn't really real.  

Anne Lamott says you can be sure you've created God in your own image, when he hates all the same people you do.  I'd say the same is true when you start thinking everything you think is what God thinks.  So when I don't like myself, I safely assume God does not like me either.

We should allow ourselves the luxury of letting ourselves be loved by God.  This might be a good starting point...heading toward healing my image of God.

a monochromatic perspective...

"So, my sister and Robbie were never able to have the time together they both so longed for... and deserved. Which ever since I've... ever since I've always felt I prevented. But what sense of hope or satisfaction could a reader derive from an ending like that? So in the book, I wanted to give Robbie and Cecilia what they lost out on in life. I'd like to think this isn't weakness or... evasion... but a final act of kindness. I gave them their happiness." ~Briony Tallis

a whimsical wednesday?

Wednesday's are whimsical when they equal a day off.  a day off from work, a day off from school, a day off from studying. whimsical, the day is left to the impulse and the whim!

This morning I walked around the beautiful outdoors with a good friend.  The day keeps transforming itself from smiling sunshine to threatening clouds.  the air is cool. if you take a minute to stand still in silence, the wind whispers whimsical things...

franny and zooey is the read of the day. i highly enjoy salinger's attention to detail and human insight.

"I'm just so sick of ego, ego, ego.  My own and everybody else's.  I'm sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting.  It's disgusting-it is. It is.  I don't care what anybody says." ~Franny

take a pause, a moment to consider, and pray...

i am grief sick for the King family...the story of Chelsea's disappearance evolving into murder has been all over local/national headlines.  what do you speak into that kind of grief?  how will anything ever be okay again?  not much feels safe anymore.

and to leave on a somber yet whimsical note for the sake of this wednesday of freedom...

this song always comforts me...and sheds light into darkness.