loved with an everlasting love.

I am certain I do not fully understand...but that's okay.
This year, thus far, has been one big battle.  My friend reminds me everyday that we are warriors and warriors never get a moment off.  This is true, warriors are always at work, but luckily for me, I have the God of the Universe on my side and He is working too, beyond whatever I could ask or imagine.

He is helping me let go of anger and fear.  Honestly, this is a miracle.  I am so attached to these emotions, so much so that they have truly defined who I've been lately.   Graciously, in the last few days, I have been and am currently really beginning to feeling freedom from these binding emotions.  I did not necessarily choose, and definitely did not create this freedom, but I feel as though I have been able to let go a little bit, to see with new eyes the One who made me, and the ones around me.  I am finally able to see apart from anger and fear, and to see God and others in and with love. I fear a lot of the time that God is extremely disappointed in me. I tell myself consistently that He is really angry with me and would rather have nothing to do with me at all.  After all I fail all the time.  I am consistently losing my temper, and saying things, terrible things, things that I thought could/would never come from my mouth.  I felt things I never thought I could/would feel, and am ashamed to even speak of.
I had never felt so alienated from Him and everyone else.
But there is the glorious and majestic work of His Hands that surround me and tell me something different than what I feel.
I look at creation, the ocean, the flowers, a sunset, the birds in the air, and I see Him.  I see His love.  I see His gentleness, and I am blown away and mesmerized by this God who pretty much contradicts all my notions  that He is angry and bitter towards me.  I can't see the things that I see, and feel the things that I feel, when I look at Him, and still think He wants to put a boot to my ass and yell and scream at me when I mess up.  I need Him too much.  I want him too much to go on living in a way in which I can so easily become alienated and run and hide from Him.
There are people out there that cannot be defined as terrible.  There are people out there who love, and are patient, and speak kindness and truth, no matter how shitty I am, and can be.

I would hope and pray that no one else feels this way, this alienation, this pain, this fear and anger, or whatever other hurts and wounds we may carry, but I know it isn't true.  I know we are all enduring these heavy burdens and pains, and some of us never can shake them.  I really believe this aches the heart of the Lord more than I can ever know.

He loves you, and He loves me soooooooo much.  I do not understand.  I cannot comprehend.  But I trust it. I do.  And I hope you do too.  I hope that no pain, affliction, or negative emotion can keep us so bound that we are blind to anything good.  Freedom is what I pray for.  For you...and for me.