i don't get it (part II)

i have to let go, breathe slow, put one foot in front of the other, and enjoy the night that is mine. often God reminds me, but I'm always there in the front to blind me. sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, and i know i give in to willingly and settle for whatever i can get.

God is good, there can be peace in the midst of confusion. He clears the way, and sometimes i think, He slows down to move at our pace of understanding. i know i take a-while to get things sometimes. Anne Lamott said it best, "this is how we make important changes--barely, poorly, slowly." And still God raises His fist in Triumph. I see now, it's happening slowly, but surely.

i don't get it...

please understand, i am well aware of my imperfections, almost every single one of them, in fact. I am not always kind, I get impatient, I find it hard to get along with every one. If you hurt me or piss me off, I'll probably just ignore you. If I get pushed far enough, I may be tempted to tell you off, but I probably won't. Really, I can't. I can't say anything. I can't stand up for myself. I can't express how I feel. It's too late, it's not allowed. I just keep getting shit on! I'm too nice. No, maybe niceness isn't in my heart at all. Truly, you have no idea what I really think about you. I don't wish you knew. I don't even wish I could tell you anymore.

The only thing I've learned from you, is that because of the lack of demonstration on your part, I now see how much kindness matters. It is important, no...it is imperative that I pass on kindness.

We are growing so callous. We are becoming so careless. There is no moral compass. I cannot exist like this. I won't let you get to me anymore. I won't let myself be changed by you. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. But then I will just remind myself, I am not like you. I don't have to be like you. I won't be like you. I may still have to see you and be around you, but I don't have to be like you.

Accept the silence. That is all I have left to give.

2009...just thinking about you.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
"The gratification comes in the doing, not in the results."
~James Dean

I wouldn't exactly consider James Dean to be my point of inspiration, but the man did say some pretty poignant stuff, for someone who only lived to be twenty four years old.

I feel like life is just passing me by and I am not really enjoying it. It's sort of like being in this really great museum and you wanna make sure you see everything, but it isn't until you leave and everything you saw, you begin to absorb, and really appreciate it. I feel like I've just been taking life in. Some things have been really wonderful and amazing, and of course some things have just been wretched and awful.

I don't like this existence I've adapted, where I am always working toward the next thing, worrying about the next day, and never really existing in the moment. I like the idea of living the day as if it was my last. It's really too much to comprehend, but I think if I really tried it, I would actually sit and watch the sunset, I would tell everyone I loved them, and realize how petty it is to hold grudges and dwell in anger. I'd probably be less concerned with the status of my bank account, or the impending doom of the next day.

I also think there is something to be said for the actual doing of life. I am always working toward a goal or some sort of end result, never realizing, as Dean alluded to, that the true enjoyment in life really is in the process of what we are working toward. The accomplishments are great, but the work to get there is truly the satisfying part...I don't want to miss out on any of it, while I am still here, by the grace of God, to experience all of this. Life. 2009. Come what may...I'll dream, I'll work hard, I will enjoy you, I will strive to cherish everyday you give me.