bon iver, bon iver.

holy moly! i freaking love bon iver. seeing this amazing concoction of musical talent live has blown my mind to pieces. seriously it's everywhere. i am so in love with mr. vernon's voice and beard. i am so enamored with the melodies, the lyrics, and the raw emotion in the presentation of it all. the emotional depth, story telling nature, and honesty in the lyrics just make my heart melt like ice cream on a hot day. i listen to wolves act I and II and i cry like a baby. i am just so moved by it all. "what might have been lost, what might have been lost...someday my pain will mark you."

image from mojo: they say-bon iver music is cathartic and strangely heart-warming.

dead ends.

i am so inspired by today's message at church. i seriously sit in my seat, whether i am alone, or with friends, or meeting new people, and am so grateful and thankful God has placed me at the church He has. His fingerprints are all over my being there. there is something about journey that so connects to who i am, and everything it seems that church should be. and really that stems from the heart of the pastor, who God speaks through, i have no doubts. not a single doubt. today God spoke, and i sat in awe and wonder as i listened and watched it happen.

dead ends. we all hit them. sometimes when we have wandered astray, and other times, when we have remained on the straight and narrow. but they do come. and what is our/my response? grumble and complain, whine and stomp feet, cry and hide under the covers, shut people out, give up, become bitter. um yeah, all of the above in some fashion or another. but what could be our/my response? prepare to be used by God. this idea aligns itself with the "something better" principle that has been guiding my life as of late. God has something better in store. every time i hit a dead end it seems this is the quiet reminder that keeps creeping up. and still i sit here today, asking God, where is it? where's the something better?

refuse to presume. wait, inquire, and listen. God is speaking. God will speak. God has spoken. notice in the story in Acts 16, paul and timothy are on a journey full of dead ends, but notice their response: an utter lack of blaming and despairing. often times the first one we blame when we hit a dead end is ourselves. of course its my fault. i can point to something i did, that certainly deserves the consequence of this dead end.

we have to learn to be led. we need to be open to God speaking to us in different ways. it's amazing how God spoke in the book of acts alone...through tongues of fire, Jesus as a blinding light in the sky, visions, dreams, perceiving, angels intervening, groups wrestling together, the Holy Spirit!

the decision needs to be made...my life is about purpose not pleasure, cause not comfort, the Kingdom of God, not the kingdom of me. i must learn to decouple my circumstance from God's love. circumstances/things are not indicative of God's love.

in the waiting...remember something better is coming...don't get bitter.

new beginnings.

Autumn is in the air. an autumn in new york or an autumn in southern california, it is a beautiful thing. I smell fireplaces in the cool of the evening, and see the leaves beginning to fall from their trees. I feel the draw of soft acoustic music, and the taste of pumpkin in my coffee cup. This year doesn't look how I thought it would in so many ways. Things keep slipping through my fingers. Everything seems so outside my control, and I am so unsure of where to pick up and go next. Grace abounds in ways I can never understand, and for that I am humbled and thankful.
I am trying to do what I am doing now with joy. But I am tangled up in those words said so recklessly that cut so deeply, leaving a sting that won't soften. My heart is worn and torn, and I wish I could overcome it in a snap of the fingers, but it is not that easy. And truthfully, the things I want are so simple. I'm not asking for much. But I am continually spinning in this whirl of thoughts and emotions that come and go, that keep me sane, and make me crazy. Oh the contradiction that I consistently am.
The days keep spinning me around, but the hope of autumn on the horizon calms me down. I find myself drawn in yet again. Alongside You is where I want to be. Wherever You are, is where I long to find myself. And that is enough. More than enough.