thoughts.

1) If I could, I would spend every day reading, painting, swimming, walking, perusing book stores, and cuddling with my kitty.
2) I have never lived anywhere but Southern California. If I could live anywhere else, I would live in Seattle, Portland, or maybe somewhere in Greece.
3) My favorite books are The Catcher in the Rye, The Bell Jar, and To Kill a Mockingbird.  I dream to contribute something as noteworthy as these novels to the world of literature.
4) My 90 year old grandma is the dearest, loveliest person I know. When I am 90 I hope to be someone like her.
5) My life goal is to teach the Bible & Literature in any capacity God allows me.
6) I like movies and books that portray the life of a strong female protagonist.  It is beautiful to watch/read as she finds herself, creates a new life path, and is able to express herself beautifully. This inspires me to live with purpose.
7) If I was locked in a room for twenty four hours straight...all I would want are blank canvases and acrylic paint!
8) I love male vocalists, with soft deep voices, who write poetic and meaningful lyrics accompanied by a guitar or a piano.  They calm me and inspire me in unexplainable ways, help me sleep, and write. (i.e. Greg Laswell, Joshua Radin, K.S. Rhoads, Sam Beam, Justin Vernon, Ben Lee, and Mat Kearney).
9) Independence Day and Christmas Day are my favorite days of the year, I want to feel every moment of them.
10) June gloom inspires and comforts me...i wish it'd hang on a little longer.
11) I have a profound respect for female young adult authors that tackle real life teen issues in beautiful, honest, and healing ways. (i.e. Laurie Halse Andersen, Sarah Dessen, Rachel Cohn & Sara Zarr) I want to write like them, and communicate a positive message to teenage girls.
12) When I get depressed or discouraged with life, I like to imagine myself in another life that usually takes me to another country like Italy, in which I spend my days writing novels, drinking cappuccinos, taking long walks, and totally free of any commitments.
13) Jackson Pollock's Blue Poles is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen.  If I look at it long enough, I start to cry. Creating paintings with that much emotion is an incredible gift I long for.
15) I think getting my teaching credential is the best decision I've made, but it has been the most difficult journey.
16) I never feel more at peace with who I am and who God is than when I am outside communing with Him in His extraordinary creation.
17) If I never get married or have kids, I will become the crazy cat lady!
18) Injustice, oppression, and apathy break my heart and challenge me to live my life unselfishly.
19) I like to think I make a difference in people's lives by providing them with a quality espresso beverage and a friendly smile.
20) My dream career is to be a novelist.

whales, elephants, and owls, oh my!

i am bubbling with creative energy right now. i wish i was in my art room with blank canvases and a colorful palette with clean brushes and light classical music. i am loving bright colors right now! pinks, greens, purples, and blues...pink whales, green elephants, and purple owls!

i solely want babies so i can decorate a nursery with bright colorful random animals!

how adorable is this pink whale umbrella? found here:

since i am actually in class right now, i best start paying attention! :)

pop,

i smelled a fresh cucumber and i thought of you. i imagined biting into a plump, juicy, bright tomato and i thought of you.  i see a garden of fresh flowers and strawberries with tools lying around and i think of you.  two years already. you're missed.

gloomy, glorious, wonderful, dread!

i have been feeling so chaotic inside lately. i cannot seem to get my grasp on reality...i have been straying so deeply into my superbly skewed perspective of things.  what is real?  what is real? i continue to ask myself in an attempt to not get so entirely lost in the chaotic messy emotional mess that is my brain.

i am seriously dreading this week. dreading...i don't want to do all of the school tasks ahead of me. everything is so entirely out of my comfort zone. i know come sunday, God willing, I will wake up in my own bed and be so pleased with how the week went and that i conquered fear and boldly grasped life by the balls, but i just can't seem to appreciate the likelihood of that outcome until i arrive there.

i just wish it all didn't seem so daunting and dreadful in the meantime! ugh!  oh well, the shiny bright spot in all of this is that i do have some cute outfits to sport this week...perhaps i will post some pics of these adorable ensembles on here :)

another shiny bright spot is the grand encouragement this week, from who else, but teachers from my past.  how odd the timing of that now that i think of it :) it has been truly a blessing to hear from my delightful speech teacher from high school share her words of wisdom on the topic of "courage" and my college professor sent me a nice little message of encouragement that just made my day!  gosh, i didn't realize how special any of this was until i actually typed it out here.  Thank You Lord for that! What Gorgeous Timing You Have! Why do I doubt???


with all of this "big" school stuff coming up...i have the opportunity to take a few days off work, which is of course very nice, but this little break seems to have come when things finally seem to be gelling. hmmph! well i cannot curse and praise timing in the same post, so i will just hope next week will continue that way!

"W" still comes in everyday. i guess i didn't scare him off, i guess i kind of hoped that i had. so since i haven't i am now managing to be not so shaky and my heartbeat craziness that takes place the second he walks in the door has subsided to maybe a 120 beats per minute ;) i actually produce coherent words from my ever fumbling mouth with him when i do have the opportunity to interact and he just looks at me so sweetly, but there is always a perplexed nature that colors his "oh so sweet: expressions.  i like that maybe i've confused him, or that i make him a little nervous. he just makes my days a little more interesting ;)

and i seem to find myself increasingly drawn to "J." he is seriously one of the nicest people i have ever met of the male variety...i am not sure what to make of him, but i highly enjoy being in his presence.

other than that, i am also highly enjoying the gloom and cool of june.  it is romancing me in such a glorious way.  in spite of nerves running high, i find having the window open, or being outdoors seriously calms my soul.
and michael buble seems to be the perfectly fitting  running theme music for june thus far. if i ever have my dream wedding...which will consist of about eight to ten people (and that includes me and that dude i will call my husband) we will dance to this song (if he's okay with it.) outdoors under the soft moonlight!

heartbreak warfare.

i am not the biggest john mayer fan anymore, but i cannot deny the musical and lyrical depth and maturity in this song.  it stirs my heart, and i feel hope and understanding.  sometimes life is heartbreaking.  heartbreak never seems to be restricted to one realm of life, or a small time frame.  it can span years and radiate to the depths of the soul.

so many things can break our hearts. so many things! this week has been full of gut punches. on thursday i texted a friend when i felt at my wit's end.  of course she was going through her own heartbreak, and i remember saying, "i don't know how much more i can cope with."  well, neither did she probably. we met for church today and talked afterwards, and all this heartbreak, all these emotions, they just boiled down to something really simple.  life is life. i know none of us have tasted our last let downs and disappointments.  we won't stop feeling the gut punches, and the emotional stirs of chaotic events until we are no longer breathing.  and that is okay, because it is life.  but how do we cope in the meantime?

i think i realized today that there is a part of heartbreak i can be grateful for.  and that part is where i really see people as people...objects of worth and immeasurable value, wholly loved by God.  the more i love people, the more my heartbreaks.

may heartbreak stir souls to action. may heartbreaking disappointments not deter us in our good works to glorify you Lord.  keep us moving...may we remain determined in the face of the most heartbreaking circumstances.


"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." ~Galatians 6:9.