quiet//in praise of slowness

  “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
―Brene Brown

 "I think the most important thing you can be to someone else is dependable. In this world, it's nice to have a person you can count on!"

―Julianna Margulies

“Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
"Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway.”
―John Green (The Fault in Our Stars)

i struggled for many years liking and accepting who i knew myself to truly be.  lately i've struggled with the difficulties of human relationships.  and more and more i am seeing and learning that life is different ballgame than the reality my dreams are made of.

all that to say, imperfections abound on every side of life.  and these are the difficult truths i am learning to accept.  truths that aren't bad in and of themselves.  they are truths i was vaguely aware of on the day to day.  but now life seems to be about moving and pressing into these truths, hard as they may be.

God is leading me to do this. i say that with confidence.  i write it with truth and trust in my heart.  i believe this is what He is preparing me for...to know, to understand, and then to accept.  know, understand, and accept: me, for who i am, in my truest form, without guilt, without further demand that comes from falsities and who i think i should be.  know, understand, and accept that human relationships are hard.  and lastly know, understand, and accept: dreams (knowing the way the world paints dreams) are not always going to become reality.   i think all of this has been years in the making. 

i move in slow motion, and God graciously moves with me in that slowness.  because i think God moves in both ways, quick and slow, but there's something to be said for the slowness, i think.  it takes awhile for me to come to terms with what is and what will be.  i can learn to accept anything, but it is, indeed, a slow process.

i don't say that, or write that, with a sense of hopelessness, but rather with the growing sense of what is now required of me to truly thrive in this life, to accept my truest self, and to begin to forge new relationships and cultivate deeper friendships. these movements in my life, i believe, require three things.

Vulnerability
Dependability
and
Faithfulness

i realize more and more that these three things are a rarity...and often what we are hurt by in this life and in the difficult emotional terrain that is human relationships is a lack of, and the willingness to be vulnerable with one another.  which on the surface is forsaking the faithfulness and dependability that strong and lasting relationships demand.

facing the reality of the facebook-twitter-instagram generation in which we live; face to face, authentic communication, intimacy and trustworthiness seems to be a lost art in human relationships.  we learn about marriages and pregnancies and other life celebrations and milestones through these social networking sites rather than a phone call or hangout. then we are shielded from the harsh realities, the bad days, and the sad moments.  we present to one another what is good and beautiful in our lives and leave it at that.

we are sorely missing out, whether we realize it or not, whether we agree or not.

mostly this is true because these forums in which we present our lives are used only to shine light upon the best moments so that the lives of all of those around us seem perfect and lovely at any given time. and frankly that alienates.  because when we do finally carve out the time in our busy schedules to meet face to face, it becomes even more difficult to share the hard and messy parts when we think our counterpart's lives are all too wonderful.

maybe it's just me, but this is what i get bogged down with.  i begin to feel less than all the others because i don't have, or i don't get as quickly, or mine (whatever mine is) looks different.

i forget that this is me, and that's okay. 

truth be told, i don't know about you. not really, anyway.  i only see what i see when i see it and that is where i derive my truths about you, fully knowing they are not all encompassing truths, but sometimes i forget and that's what i start to believe in, most often without realizing.

i am quiet.  i keep many thoughts to myself.  i don't have all the things i think i should, or maybe it's just everyone else who thinks it, and therefore i think it too.  i share what i share when i really know you.  and sometimes that is frustrating...for you and for me.  i'm sorry for both of us...that it never seems enough.

sometimes i can't.  i just need to be alone.  i don't have the emotional energy for all of it...and i still wonder if that's okay, or if i am being selfish. 

sometimes it is selfishness.

sometimes it is self-protection.

and let's face it, self-protection is survival.

that's why i deleted my facebook.

that's why i am cautious with time spent on instagram, and whose lives i follow on twitter.

that's why a small circle of close friends is more important than a large circle of acquaintances.

that's why last fall i began to learn about, read about, and practice vulnerability.

and i found my relationships were strengthened through this practice.  i said yes to dates, i would have before said no to.  i began to reveal more, which was rare, but always produced something good, something life-giving.

and that is why i am still single.  maybe for the long stretch...maybe for just a season.  but it is a learning, i may not have come across in the same way.

either way, it doesn't matter, the movement in my life remains the same.

to be vulnerable, to be dependable, to be faithful.

these are the terms that define my relationship with God and what it is unfolding to be.
these are the terms (deep breath) which will begin to define my relationship with others.

and this is who i am today.  quiet.  often too myself.  trudging through the muck slowly.  finding grace and unfolding the beauty slowly.  learning and becoming slowly.  but that's me.  and that's okay.

so, for today, i will sit quietly at His feet.  and i will pray.  a slow prayer.  a gathering of words that plead for His mercy and strength as i walk into vulnerability.  as i learn what it really means to be dependable, and to live in faithfulness.

it's not easy, by any means.  this is the hard stuff, because this is the real stuff, the God stuff, which, i truly believe, is what leads to GOOD.

a song as an experience//O

something happens to me when i listen to this.  i am somewhere else, i am someone else.  i feel with God.  i feel peace.  it's rare when songs do this for me, but it does happen on occasion, and when it does, it is truly a gift.