As the calendar turned and we walked into 2016, I had plans and dreams to really do something with my little corner of the internet. Instead, the dates I marked on my calendar to actually construct a post turned into days of grading, working, or maybe doing a little bit of that living life well stuff.
A few months in, I am wondering what has become of me and 2016. I am seeing the last year of my life with clearer eyes. Much like the end of December, the weeks leading towards my birthday turn me into a more reflective being, and I really consider where I am headed and where I have been.
So, the absence from this blog and the thinking and living that has been happening over the past year I think is encapsulated best in these five learnings & leanings that I want to take with me from 31 and into 32. I have, what I believe, is an authentic hope that 32 will lead me deeper into cultivating this life and my continual, moment by moment walk with the Lord.
Five Learnings and Leanings//Walking into 32
- Over the last year, and if I really want to be specific, since May 23, 2015 I have been learning to "trust" the Lord in everything. This specific date served as sort of a turning point for me, in which I realized God really does desire good for us. With that realization ushered in an existence where I don't spiral out anymore, that instead of falling deep into an abyss of darkness and despair, I stay and choose to walk on the path of peace that He calls me to. There are so many lies I have lived in that I believed as truth. These lies defined me and the core of my existence. Slowly but certainly surely, over the last eight years or so, the lies have been shattered one by one. And I am most definitely plagued by a few more, but I have learned that those lies lose their power when I choose to "trust". For me, trust is such an overused word. In the Christian community it might even be on the verge of meaninglessness. So I sought to deepen the meaning of "trust" when I fully realized and accepted that the only way for me to really live this little life of mine well, was to walk in "trust". So, this is what I figured out: Trust is not just a verb, it is a noun. I know, I know...a bit simplistic, but I never had really thought about this before. I always saw trust as action on my part, but in reality trust is a thing...a very tangible thing. You see, I have trust. I have a God in whom I am confident in, in who fully rely on the integrity, strength, surety, and promises of. While trust is something that I do and can exhibit, I also have a trust. I have in and with me the most sure and valuable thing in all the universe. And my goodness, if that doesn't transform one's thinking and the matters of one's heart, I don't know what will. Even though I've walked with Jesus, in knowing Him, for the majority of my life, the truth of trust and trusting in Him has never quite resonated with me as it has this last year of my life. So, I have learned and am leaning into trusting Him and leaning on my trust with all of my heart, with everything I am, with every hope, dream, cry, disappointment, and expectation, I am laying out in "trust".
- Discipline is key. To my teenage self, discipline=perfection. To my early twenty-something self discipline=pretty much non-existent. As I matured, discipline took on many forms. At times I rebelled against the big "D" and at times I embraced it with my whole being. As I've entered my thirties I have become painfully aware of the areas of my life in which I lack discipline. At times it varies and discipline vacillates between particular areas of my life. In some places I am holding strong, while in others I weaken at the slightest temptations, whether it is staying in bed for just five more minutes, skipping a workout, missing a quiet time, eating that unhealthy snack, or in the way I view finances, discipline has basically been a bit vague in the last couple of years. I am finally figuring out that discipline does not mean I am or I have to be perfect. Phew. I think that is what makes my heart, mind and tummy for that matter go all topsy turvy when I think about living a life of discipline. I immediately go to my default of needing perfect or nothing. I have long since given up on this all or nothing life, but it still tries to find its way into things. Discipline looks different now. But discipline means I have a plan. It means I am living with intention. It means I have goals that I am going for. It means I am hoping for new and better outcomes and actually working towards them. Discipline looks like prayer and accountability. So I am leaning into discipline with joy, rather than despair.
- I don't need answers or acceptance. Okay, just typing those words was hard. I wasn't sure how to phrase this one. I could probably think of better words later, but for now, this sums it up best. One of my greatest laments that has taken hold of my heart in the last few years is that, "I am not the most important person to anyone" or, "Nobody loves me the most." It sounds whiny, when I actually quote it and that is a bit cringeworthy. But these two quotes have been a continual cry in my heart. I spent most of my twenties with no desire for marriage or children. I weathered two broken hearts and stitched myself up and moved on. Part of me, was determined to singleness. It was easier then. Now, not so much. On the brink of 32, I find myself moving to a whole other viewpoint on these matters. One I find best expressed in the words of Mindy Kaling found in her recent book Why Not Me?: "Until I realized: this long expanse of free time to rekindle friendships is not real. We will never come home to each other again and we will never again have each other's undivided attention. That version of our friendship is over. And when I remember this...I slid into a melancholy that i know is somehow tied to a deep-seated fear about not being married or having kids myself. Because, at its heart, my annoyance or impatience with my friends' weddings (and having children) stems from my own panic and abandonment issues. Why are you leaving me behind like this, friend? What am I supposed to do all by myself now that you are gone? It is traumatizing to think that a best friend could become just a friend. That's because there is virtually no difference between acquaintance and a friend. But the gulf between a friend and a best friend is enormous and profound." I leave off the hopeful not she ended on because I think it is important for me to sit in the reality and truth of what she has written here that reflects my own life and heart. At almost 32, this is where I am. All of my friends married in their twenties or early thirties. Most have started families. We are no longer in that phase where we are each other's #1's. They found theirs and I am left behind. And truly, I do "trust" the plan and process for me. There are reasons. There are always reasons. But it doesn't negate the difficulty of facing it head on. I have built a career for myself and am working towards being wholly independent. That is to say, I am financially secure and unafraid of building my life solo. For me that looks like having a place to call my own, that contains a couch I have invested my own money into and the comfortability of living month to month without fearing the need of asking for a help. I am getting there. That pesky student loan debt isn't quite such a monster to reckon with anymore. But I think, or I more recently hoped that somehow my solution to all of these things would be a husband. A husband would be the answer and the acceptance that I needed. With a husband I wouldn't feel like the outsider to it all anymore. I would have my way back "in" to the lives of all the others. I would have that person who loved me and I loved "the most". Because of some amazing people who see beyond societal expectations and love the Lord immensely, I have had truth spoken over me, prayers for me and encouragement that has led me to figure out that I really don't need the answer and acceptance I think I do. Instead I am choosing to pursue the life that I have. Building a life does not look like waiting around for things to happen. I am going for it, with or without the answers or acceptance.
- Small joy is worthy. Along the lines of my #3 learning and leaning, I often determine worth of my life, who I am and what I do by that of who my peers are and what they are doing. No one said it better than Theodore Roosevelt, when he said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." The truth of those words is unmistakable. I may have thought I had a good weekend, that was until I heard another teacher's story around the copy machine. I may think I had a great day until I go on Instagram and see someone else had a better day. I often let the joy of others deter or determine the measure of my joy. My joy is never large, that is if you measure joy's size by marriage, kiddos, or European travels. As I stand witness to the lives of others, I am tempted to believe the grass is always greener. In reality, my joy, my day to day little life's joy, cannot be stolen unless I let it. So I am figuring out that my small joys are worthy. So dark roast coffee, lit candles, fresh flowers, late evening walks, puppy kisses, open windows, the thump of the washing machine, dinner in the backyard, three hours of Netflix, reading with abandon, audio books to accompany my morning and evening commute, unrushed grocery store trips, book perusing on Sunday mornings, online clothes shopping, songs in the shower, if these things are my small joys, they are worthy, and nothing can steal that away from me.
- Making things happen. I often take the backseat and let things go. I don't say much, or stand up for myself, thinking it's probably better that way. At least I won't be rejected, hurt, disappointed, screw up...whatever it may or may not be. It is a safe existence overall. But where does it get me? I began 2016 with the words "figure it out" on my heart. The idea of that being "figure it out" had this crucial element of intention and follow through. At its core, it reflected action on my part. That is, this year is not about sitting back and waiting for a, b, or c to happen and instead I would play a more active role in my life. How that looks is never quite clear to me, but in its own ways it has taken on a life of its own. I've been doing and that has required a lot of figuring it out. There are definitely days, weeks, months, seasons of waiting and praying and less action, but there is something for 2016 and 32 that I believe require elements of action and proactively figuring things out rather than sitting back and letting it all unfold. So as I look ahead, I am pondering, planning, dreaming, scheming and praying how to make things happen. This idea stretches itself across all aspects and facets of my life from finances to fitness to future husband...so here I am, still early in 2016, still 31, still learning, but leaning into more, to better and deeper life with Him.
