eleven.

11 things i learned/experienced from/in 2011.

1) i am a renaissance woman. (there are too many things in life i want to do, and i will do. i am/will be a teacher, a writer, a painter, a traveler, a reader, a musician of sorts, a reliable companion, a thinker, a pray-er, an encourager...)

2)living in the big apple. (changed my life, opened my heart and eyes, inspired my soul.)

3)i completed my education. (i feel like a grown up now.)

4)i can be hurt and still love. (God takes risks, God gets hurt, and God still loves.)

5) spending $400.00 to see your favorite boy band is totally worth it.

6)i don't have to be perfect to be liked. (a long journey and still learning)

7)joy and sorrow can walk hand in hand.

8)regrets don't have to rule my life.

9)just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it isn't possible.

10)friday night lights! (where has it been all my life?)

11)bon iver's perth is hands down the best song of 2011.

christmas eve.

stockings hung by the fire with care, russian tea cakes, a first time viewing of it's a wonderful life, sobbing, rum with eggnog (another first), a dimly lit christmas tree, and a cozy couch. merry christmas eve!

paradise, family, and other christmas musings...

i think there is something lovely to be birthed each new christmas. i think there is always something new to discover, something revolutionary to grasp, a new meaning to derive from the story of christmas, the giving of gifts revives our gratitude and appreciation of one another, the togetherness that happens can encourage or crush us. i find that in my family, togetherness always results in some sort of friction. we fall victim to idealizing what the holidays should be and when we finally come together to what is, someone says something wrong, someone gets upset, alienation occurs and now the christmas celebration is colored with anger, sadness, and disappointment. i always wonder, why can't we just have one day, one day of total peace and getting along. i think we all want that. we expect that at christmas time, for at least one day, we can put our differences aside, and not let our ill feelings control our actions, but it never seems to happen how i hope it.

last night at church we talked about how Christmas stirs up this longing for paradise that we all have. we all expect one day of paradise at christmas, and wonder why it cannot last longer. in my own life, i've noticed this longing is running rampant in my soul, stronger and deeper than ever. i think that longing grows when life deals crushing blows. pastor ed noted that when we don't have much to lose we have an easier time of connecting with God and the longing for paradise. i honestly feel like i don't have a lot to lose, and therefore, finding God, connecting with Him, longing for the fulfillment of paradise with Jesus is really easy, and at the top of my list. though i'm in no way saying that people who have a lot, and a lot of good things at that, don't have the desire to connect with God. i just think at this point in my life i don't have as many things to distract me from my desire for Him. and i am thankful for that.

earlier this year coldplay released a song called paradise. i fell in love with this song the first time i heard it. a beautiful lyric from it that stayed with me that goes, "when she was just a girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, and she ran away in her sleep, and she dreamed of paradise, every time she closed her eyes." it's a funny thing how much this song stirred hope in my heart in my darkest moments this year...and perhaps even more fitting when they sang this song at church last night. as long as i have been going to journey it's as if God has been speaking to me along the whole way, through song, art, scripture, words, prayers, who i am sitting next to, a book mentioned, a testimony told...it is always relevant to me, wherever i am at, whatever i am feeling. i have never had quite a church experience like this. it has been especially meaningful to me, as i've walked more difficult paths the last couple of years.

the song is such a good reminder that hope is not lost. i still look with hope to God this christmas. i pray the same for all hearts...that hope would be stirred up this christmas, whether we are walking in our darkest hour, or carrying life's greatest moment of joy. no matter where we are, i am sure that we all have that longing for paradise. that hope for something good to last. it may not quite be within our reach today, but someday, we can and will have it.

until then, this christmas. and the time that follows we can dream of paradise. we can prepare for paradise. we can set our hearts on the One who made paradise and designed us for it. and especially for today and christmas to follow we can tune our hearts to Him. He longs to connect with us. the signs may be small, but they're there. His heart is for us. He is calling us, drawing us in. It began with a baby in a manger, and the call is still there for us today. look at the moon and the stars, feel the wind on your face, smell the pine trees, look at the family, hope exists, paradise is within our reach.

making things happen.

first plan for 2012 is in motion! road trip to san francisco with a dear friend come early april. i am so excited. reason for our destination? the one and only chris thile will be performing classical masterpieces at the herbst theatre.

amazing and beautiful.

love is christmas.

christmas time is here. i finally got out and did some shopping today. in spite of crowds and sickness it proved to be an opportune time, with some hot tea in hand and christmas tunes to guide my way, i came out with a feeling of joy and accomplishment. christmas is simple this year. no big plans on the horizon, in many ways it's the same as in years past, but i feel most joyous about not getting bogged down by all the busyness and to-do's. i have gifts ready, making and creating loving things for loved people inspires my heart, and baking (my one kitchenesque talent) will be put to good use soon.

my heart's longing is for Christ to be central this christmas. it sounds so cliche and cheesy. but in reflecting on this year and recognizing the many struggles i've gone through, for this advent season, i set my heart to wait on and for Christ alone. but i find myself getting distracted from that as of late. i am trying to be purposeful in my pursuit of Him. as much as He draws me in and pours His love and mercy out so freely, i need to play my part as well, like in any relationship. i feel myself being so easily distracted by fresh discouragements in the forefront of my mind. the more i ponder them, the more distant He becomes. not because He has retreated from me, but i have allowed my heart to grow detached. sigh. so longing for my heart to be captured by Him. so wishing i'd allow myself to let go of the discouragement and embrace His encouragement. tis the season for His encouragements to abound and fill our hearts and lives. that is my prayer, for all of us. love is what christmas is about. His love. growing our love for one another. love is christmas.

quietly content.

in the past, i've found that things would and could, often and easily, upset me, and throw me off course. my heart would stew endlessly over any wrongdoings and injustices i would encounter personally or stand witness to. as a result i would become angry, experience sadness, bitterness, and then simply resignation. this year has involved one sadness and disappointment after another. i have walked fully aware of each one as they have visited quietly, or bombarded their way in with great force. i learned to walk in and through the pain, instead of shoving it down and pretending it wasn't there, and that everything was okay. the shocking result of that is that i find my heart more whole and full of hope than i ever imagined. my spirit and soul lives with so much peace, where before all i could detect was the deep buried distress ready to explode. i test myself. i think of things that at once stirred anger and now i only feel a calm. the strangest thing of all is the love that i feel. it's a bit overwhelming, and really simply weird for me. i feel love towards things, people, and ideas, that i could never on my own considering the history and reality of situations. it is truly odd. in fact, i find it so extremely peculiar because in my mind i have done nothing to proactively seek this zen state of being. generally if i am trying to achieve some sort of calm and generate greater love in my life, i think it must involve some sort of grand gesture on my part. for example, i haven't offered up that one really heartfelt, long, meaningful prayer to somehow earn this loving heart and peaceful soul. i have not tossed my burdens into the ocean, choosing to be free from all the weights and pains of disappointment and despair. i have not climbed a mountain, fallen to my knees at the top, crying out, with hands lifted to the sky, seeking out that healing touch that would empty me of all the bad and fill me with everything good. instead i simply go about my days. at first, like a grieving person, establishing simple to-do's, put on shirt, check. get in car, check. drive to work, check. and then suddenly, somewhere along the way, i stopped having to remind myself of those things, and i just did them. and suddenly there was room in my mind, and space in my heart to consider much else. i have been walking in and through grief, broken dreams, cracked hopes, and misunderstandings. i have filled my journal pages with prayers, questions, wonderings, drawings, directed toward a God who sees the big picture while i am living in the small frames. i have been fellowshipping with ladies who teach and speak from God's Word, who i have been dialoguing with about what it means to really love difficult people. i have been going to church where we are learning about what it really means to love and worship God in and with our bodies. i randomly meet and talk with people who somehow end up providing encouragement and direction to my life and heart. in a difficult workplace i find the strength and will to maintain some sense of positivity. i didn't do any of it on my own. i never could. i stand back and look at my life today, and no circumstances have really altered much. yet my heart is altered. i examine my feelings and emotions and i feel such a great amount of hope and inspiration, none of which i could conjure up myself. i lift me eyes in gratitude to a God who is working in my heart in ways i could never think to ask for. my imagination always puts a limit to what God can and will do. i recognize how finite my thoughts and expectations are. and for the first time perhaps, i really recognize with some sense of understanding the truth in these scriptures:
"now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever, and ever, Amen." ~ephesians 3:20-21
"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight." ~proverbs 3:5-6
and i praise Him.

a white blank page.

"lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life. oh lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life." ~mumford and sons

"afoot and light-hearted i take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me. the long brown path before me, leading wherever i choose." ~walt whitman

the first day of december. day 1. a clean slate. the christmas season is upon us. thirty one days until the new year. love fills the air. lights brighten the dark of night. i don't want to miss it. i don't want to miss the joy this season offers us so graciously. the time to slow down and reflect. i want to savor everything this month holds. fully recognizing life doesn't always look how we want it. the things we so desperately long for do not always come to us easily, or ever. but i don't want to miss what is good, and what is purposeful right now.

Lord Jesus, help me to see, my life, my family, friends, the world and people all around me, with your eyes...your loving, compassionate, forgiving eyes. forgive me Lord Jesus. forgive me for being utterly self focused, and in my selfishness only seeing misery, completely missing where there can be beauty. and You offer so much beauty. you are endless goodness. open my eyes! open my eyes that they may behold your goodness in all circumstances.