this time it's different. i didn't have a wish list. there wasn't a specific prayer on my heart attached to an expected outcome. instead i am moving with the moment. i am paying attention to what and who is in front of me. and it is so vastly different from what i know. i am letting go of my future fixation. i am laying down my desire to understand why. i am seeking truth in what is right now. i am not stuffing down what is painful. i am learning to confront the pain and live in the context of the world with the truth of His word firmly rooted in my heart. i do not think i deserve any particular life anymore. and for once, that doesn't come from a place of inadequacy, rather it comes from a place of knowing that i am seen and known and loved by the God of the universe and when it comes down to it, i truly believe that is all i really need. because those instinctual needs: food, water and shelter, He meets and He has instilled in me the trust that even when i don't know where or when; He will provide. and those deeper needs: connection, intimacy and hope, He shows up and freely gives. therefore, what can i possibly demand?
nothing.
so, this is my prayer for 33: to relinquish control. to stop bemoaning what doesn't seem fair. to be awake and alert to the heaven meets earth moments and to be a part of His kingdom come. to recognize and know and thereby live out what i am here for. to shine a light, to bear His beams of love, to be to others what i can freely be in this station of life i find myself in. to let the Lord break the ties of selfishness and open myself up to what He has in mind.
Lord Jesus, this is my humble cry: to be Yours, a ready and willing servant, attentive and available. You, Lord are the lover of my soul and I could not ask for anything better. Jesus, all my heart belongs to you, every heartbeat longs for you. And I am so thankful to be known by you. Lord, lead me into deeper intimacy with you in this new year of my life.
