a discontented juror.

this week has gone quite unexpectedly. beginning monday morning i, with about 2,000 other people filed into the juror's room of the downtown courthouse and quietly awaited our fate. i came prepared for a day of sitting and waiting, well equipped with books, magazines, snacks, and a giant coffee. however, all of that proved to be unnecessary as i was called up in the first pool of jurors. we filed into one single line and followed one another up four flights of escalators, crossed a bridge to the main courthouse, and got called in one by one to a courtroom. as i entered and took my seat as juror #9, little did i know that would be my seat for the remainder of the week, and was greeted by the judge, who was warm and welcoming to us uncertain jurors.

after weening down a group of forty to a group of twelve, the trial began. a trial with one defendant versus the state of california. without getting into the details of the case, or the outcome, i must say i found myself wholly dismayed with the realities of this world and the people who reside in it. i always joke that i see the worst of the worst at my job, but the truth is, this sort of corruption is everywhere. it was such a strange thing, sitting in a room listening to all of these witnesses take the stand and solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and sit there and seemingly tell nothing but lies. it was even stranger listening to the appeals of attorneys who try to sway us by whatever means necessary to believe their side, and neither doing a very good or honest job.

to aid in my disillusionment i have been reading the winter of our discontent. steinbeck's last novel chronicling how money comes first and foremost for everyone over compassion and kindness. everyone is greedy and everyone is selfish. if it is financially beneficial for you, than you do it, no matter who it may hurt or alienate.

funny thing is...that's what everything in the courtroom boiled down to this week. money. who has it, who's losing it? even if you have a million dollars and you lost a thousand, you have to go after the person who cost you the thousand? it's heartbreaking to see. but in the same vein it inspired me. i don't ever want to be someone who lives for money. i never want to consider my money my own, that cannot be shared with others. i never want to raise my kids to think of money as a means of power or importance. i want to model for my students the good one can do with the money they are blessed with. kindness and compassion must come first. even for me, with the little money i have, i can still do something meaningful with it. if kindness and compassione wholly define my being and actions, my money would be put to good use i would imagine.

though its discouraging to see, i want to believe i can rise above this unkind, selfish, money focused society. i want to believe i can lead others toward a revolution of kindness, compassion, and helping one another...especially the younger generation that is being indoctrinated with this society of selfishness.

i have considered this passage of scripture to be my life verses for awhile now. i always find myself coming back to it, as such a solid reminder of how i want to live my life day in and day out. "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:12-17

this year,

This year, thus far...has been marked by sickness, my dad, then me...my aunt facing possibly her final weeks as she bravely continues her battle with cancer. this morning i read a story today about a precious young girl from southern California who lost her battle with brain tumors on Thursday. and then today my mother celebrates her 54th birthday. we are now seven days into a brand new year, and yet the celebration seems far behind us now. as I grow older and graciously gain small amounts of wisdom here and there, i learn that sickness and health, sadness and joy, sorrow and hope, can coexist.

our health is one of the scariest things to lose, for a day, for a week, or for the rest of our lives. yet ironically we celebrate every year, the day we turn older, as we are nearer to our dying day. life's funny that way. some things we do obliviously. others we carefully consider, calculate, plan, and reflect upon. why do we choose what we choose and when? i cannot explain it, not today. i cannot control it, not ever. but after this week colored with discouragement I look to the next fifty one weeks ahead, encouraged. i am reminded I can count on and control very little to nothing. perhaps the best I can do, is do whatever I do, live my life, in its entirety, with all my heart. with all my heart. that is my theme for 2012, my mantra of sorts, "with all my heart." though most everything remains outside my real control, I can control how I respond to my circumstances, how i awake each day, in what attitude, how i go about my chores, my dreams, my relationships, my job, my year. i commit this year, 2012, to living with all my heart, in all things. That being said, this year:

i will stop saying yes, when i really mean no, and i won't say no, when i am too afraid to say yes.
i will visit the beach at least once a week to feel the sand between my toes and hear the ocean roar.
i will eat naturally as i possibly can, trying to do most of my shopping locally purchasing things organic and fresh.
i will run a marathon.
i will take a lot of pictures.
i will watch the top 100 AFI films.
i will write (my always talked about, never setting my mind to sitting and finishing) collection of short stories.
i will teach in a classroom.
i will read the books that cause my book shelves to sag rather than buying more books to break them.
i will make a point to hang out with my girlfriends at least once a week.
i will conquer my fear of relationships.
i will create art and not be afraid or ashamed to share it with others.

that is twelve things for 2012 that i will do, with all of my heart.