a great anticipation//figuring it out {2016}

i wanted to sound really smart and begin this post with a quote from Gustave Flaubert, particularly from his novel Sentimental Education which has been sitting on my shelf since high school but i have yet to actually crack it open and find out the whole of what is on the inside.  i purchased it hastily, second semester of my junior year of high school because i was on a mission to become more well-read and thought that every classic needed to be devoured, especially obscure ones that not many had every heard of.

but alas, i never opened Sentimental Education and read it in its entirety because it felt slow and hard; instead devoured Pride & Prejudice, To Kill a Mockingbird and The Catcher in the Rye.

it was in actuality a Dawson's Creek episode that led me to consider the novel again, and for some reason since, i always and only remember what Flaubert might have been writing about because of a particular conversation between two characters on this somewhat short-lived but beloved hour-long drama i once watched and waited for with great anticipation.

The conversation takes place between one of the main character's, joey potter and her college professor.  i sought out the precise dialogue and found it on imdb.  so to give it proper justice, it went like this:

Joey: So what is the best ending in all of literature? Don't say Ulysses. Everyone says Ulysses.

Professor David Wilder: That's easy. Sentimental education by Flaubert.

Joey: And what happens?

Professor David Wilder: Nothing, really. Just two old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them.

Joey: How do you remember something that never happened?

Professor David Wilder: Fondly. You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure... and the most reliable. And that while the things that actually happen to you would invariably disappoint, the things that never happened to you would never dim. Never fade. They would always be engraved in your heart with a sort of sweet sadness

i don't know why this has stuck with me.  i found it to be profound because it was a truth that i most undoubtedly believe, however true or not true it may be to anyone else.  the statements still resonate with me in a significant way years and years after i originally viewed the episode.  mostly because i agree that anticipation is quite possibly the purest form of pleasure and perhaps some of the greatest experiences of our lives.  which i suppose for some might be a dismal thing to really consider, but for me it is the sustenance of life that causes me to spur on.  it is the idea that i will never get "there".  it is the hope that there is always something better around the corner.  it is the longing that one day it will all get better.  it is the overall sense that the meaning of it all runs much deeper than these earthly confines we are living in.  anticipation feels limitless in many ways.  it offers us the purest form of not only pleasure but hope.

i assumed by the time i was in my thirties i would somehow have it all down and figured out, but instead am finding i have even less figured out than i thought.  i am constantly vacillating between dreams and goals, what i want and what i think i want and where i am going in this life.  i am constantly aware that this life is but a breath which plagues me with the fear and worry of missing out on something big and special.

i look to the future still with a sense of hope and very real and specific dreams.  i anticipate goodness and troubles.  i look forward to love and joy-filled moments as much as i expect tears and deep heartache.  but the truth in all of it is this: the greatest joys are in the anticipation, the attempts, the tries, the sometimes futile tries, the failures and the getting back up again, because ultimately, the moments we center our lives around...the birthdays, the weddings, the births, the graduations, the last day, the first day...they are all so fleeting.  they are but a moment in wide breadth of days in which we live our ordinary lives.  even those who achieve great fame and accomplish great feats over and over again, find that they too, come out on the other side and recognize how very fast and fleeting those experiences were.  the fleeting nature of these things we anticipate certainly don't take from their wonder, but they are a sobering reminder that we can put all of our stock in the moments.

there is more to life than that.  there has to be.  because life, in all reality, is one great anticipation of what is to come after.  and meanwhile, we are left to figure out how to get by and through and achieve and fail and hurt and laugh and breathe and cry and find the little joys along the way.

and so, "figure it out" is my mantra of sorts for 2016.  as i recognize that much of this life of mine is about the great anticipation of what is to come, here in my earthly life, and the life beyond these earthly constraints, i find the need to grow and to become more and stretch beyond myself in greater ways than i ever have before.

"figure it out" is a phrase that has stuck with me since the global leadership summit of 2014 when i heard bill hybels, the senior pastor of willow creek church in chicago talk on leadership. it was a memorable message in which he said, "hard fought leadership is found in being thrown into the fire and forced to figure it out on your own." the main idea being that when given the opportunity, or being left with no other choice than to "figure it out" we own our leadership and thereby model, develop, and lead others in a way which leads to a legacy mindset.  hybels argued that a "figure it out" mindset is one in which a person is ruthlessly committed to the tasks at hand, of resolving conflict, and doing everything to the best of our ability, with a whole heart unto the Lord.  the "figure it out" mindset is one that actually cares about others and their potential, it fights for enduring value and the grander vision. 

it is so easy to go for the quick, temporary fix, or find the easy way out, but that is not the making of a true leader and of someone who leaves a breathtaking legacy. As Hybels said, "the grander the vision, the greater the price tag", therefore, all the more to figure out, but God casted the grandest vision of all, and with Him on our side, we can figure it out.
#wordoftheyear2016

2015//what was and is to be

2015 was my year to show gumption, to choose courage, to chase after a dream.

and it was.

the year unfolded differently than i imagined, but it always does, doesn't it?

there are so many blessings i could recount here that just took me totally and utterly by surprise and there are others that i quietly whisper my gratitude for in the solitude of my own space and my own heart.

i took a chances.
and i conquered fears.

i hung onto a great deal of fear and worry until it became utterly crippling and i decided with the strength of the Lord that i had to let go and unclasp my grip on the unspeakable horrors that often haunt my thoughts and dreams.

i chose to believe and to dream again about things i had decided were somehow no longer possible for me...and God granted me the desires of my heart.

there are deep longings that remain within me, but i am learning not to close myself off to them, but rather to hold them in my hands and trust in their root which is the aching longing for deeper communion with my Savior.

there is still a tangible hope for better, for more, for healing, for salvation, for improvement, for dreams amidst a landscape of horrors and a world that seems to worsen with every passing month.

there is still fun & adventure in this little life of mine that i am sooo grateful to have.

there are things i get to do because i am not a wife and a mother and i love the freedom that often affords me.

there are things on my list of 2015 that went untouched and forsaken and it makes my heart ache.  but they are things that the gift of a new year, of 2016 allows me to pursue with a whole heart.

as this year closes, i am thankful for the days i am okay and the days i am not.  i am thankful for the days i cry and break down and the days i don't because they all teach me something, and as long as i am open to learning, it is all good.

as the year closes, i can once again thank the Lord for a wonderful life, a comfortable home, clothes to wear, food enough to eat and loved ones who stand by willing to help in any way.

in 2016, i am going to strive daily to affect the spirit in my world.  i will pray daily to have an open and soft heart.  i will pray that i can as often as possible see others as children of God with potential and divinity that they possess.

in 2016, in spite of what may be, or perhaps because of it, i want to be of good cheer.  i know that i am up against a formidable enemy, so i must pray daily for the strength and energy to overcome.  i am choosing in 2016 to be of good cheer and to let that bless my life and those that surround me.

as the year rapidly approaches, i contemplate my theme/my verse that will guide me.  i pray gumption continues to be a guiding thought, but this year i want more.  i want to grow and stretch myself beyond where i find greatest comfort.  i want to move and live for and towards the Lord.  i want to ensure that my vision for 2016 is about more than me, but also impacts the world around me.

so with a day and a half left of 2015, let's pray that the Lord casts new vision over us and how He is leading us to live in 2016.

on empathy//being attentive and fighting to stay true to it.

         it is earlier and earlier now that the sky becomes a thick slab of black from the mountains in the east to the ocean in the west, scattered with a speckling of a few stars and one big glowing white moon to break up a seeming bleaker darkness that now covers us.
          in late november, the air finally tastes of autumn, cool and coppery, tinged with the scents of chimneys fully alive and stews that simmer on the stove tops. its sameness is a comfort, but it's also marked by a different sort of feeling. although it is familiar in some ways, in that it is reminiscent of a fear i felt over fourteen years ago, a fear that has continued to live inside of me, often underneath my day to day awareness, only awakened when i turned on the t.v or read the paper.  the difference is, now the fear is changed by a more matured understanding and intimacy with the world.
          and i take comfort that with growth it has become a fear that although still exists inside of me, it now resides alongside hope.  which makes it a bit less taxing of an emotion to reckon with.  what i fight for now is not to live in and by fear at all. while recent events have left many of us reeling, and i suppose that is their intended effect, i know that is not what i am called to live in.
           tragedies such as 9-11, the recent terror attacks in paris, the events of sandy hook, aurora and littleton, colorado...and smaller scale events that have happened closer to home often send me into a very inward and downward spiral i don't often share or put words to.  i let them pervade my heart and mind and they do their work of stirring up anxiety and fear, so much so that i don't want to board a plane again, or every time i go to the movies i am surveying the audience frequently, checking the exit doors often, and when i am at school, i wonder...what if?  often tragedies like these need no added words.  why give more attention to their evils? other than the tacit and shared prayers of comfort, hope, protection, peace and revival that we continually offer up, they don't need our words.  they often leave us feeling helpless and inadequate because there is little we can do to resolve their pain and nothing we can do to reverse it.  it is out of our hands.  we can only act and pray in ways that hope to bring some sort of healing and solace to those affected.
           but fear hinders that.  fear causes us or maybe it's just me to shut down, to close myself off to these deep aches, pains and anxieties in our country and world.  often times i think it might be empathy that prevents me from wanting to be in such a connected community of people and living in a world attune to pain and tragic events.  i often think i'd be happy if i went and lived in a rural place where it could be just me, maybe a few animals and nature, where i'd never turn on the t.v. or open a webpage again.  i think of it often and i find such contentment and comfort in the dream.  a place where people and their problems don't stir up so much hurt, so much emotion, that often for me becomes so difficult to manage that i feel my only choice is to shut off and detach. but it is sometimes too hard to shut off the parts of me that ache deep down and threaten to take over like a tidal wave of emotion, a force so strong that it drowns its victim.  sometimes it is manageable and sometimes the smallest of things happens and it all erupts on me.
           the other day, a stray, shaking, wet and visibly battered puppy crept timidly into my classroom and i lost it.  i fell in love with it at first sight.  i couldn't handle the fact that he had been abandoned or worst, separated from a family that loved him.  i cared for him throughout the school day and afterwards i had to take and leave him at the shelter in hopes that he would be reunited with his own family. my heart was twisted and torn up over this little furry thing, and i could hardly bear it.
           a broken heart over a lost puppy is such a small thing amidst a landscape of tragedies that have left many in our world are so grieved, fearful and worried...but i live in a place where i am equally as affected, that i am left wondering what do i/we do with the weighty emotions that stir inside of us? i don't know if there is an easy answer for this question.  i know that for me, the struggle is real, and shutting down and detaching cannot be the answer to cope with these things.
          when i feel things so deeply, i often get lost in it and wonder how can i stay true to what i feel and more importantly who i am and not get swept up in the waves and steal from anyone else what they are feeling. i think leslie jamison, author of the empathy exams put it best saying:

 “Empathy isn't just something that happens to us - a meteor shower of synapses firing across the brain - it's also a choice we make: to pay attention, to extend ourselves. It's made of exertion, that dowdier cousin of impulse. Sometimes we care for another because we know we should, or because it's asked for, but this doesn't make our caring hollow. This confession of effort chafes against the notion that empathy should always rise unbidden, that genuine means the same thing as unwilled, that intentionality is the enemy of love. But I believe in intention and I believe in work. I believe in waking up in the middle of the night and packing our bags and leaving our worst selves for our better ones.”

           there is something so poetic, so perfect really, in her words.  it is more than the storm of feelings that swirls around me and envelops me in its grey.  empathy must equate to some kind of action for it to be empathy.  empathy doesn't detach and ignore the pain.  it feels and it bears.  it says, 'okay, this really isn't about me, i am feeling with you, and that can somehow lead me to help me understand you' and hopefully a result of that understanding is some kind of action that helps not only the ones in pain and need but somehow myself...that is keeping myself from drowning in it. 
             so then i realize, when it comes down to it, what really is inhibiting me is a certain sense of inadequacy, a feeling of slight (it is no longer a totality) of inadequacy.  i don't quite know where it comes from anymore.  its roots are a stronghold though, ones i have yet to fully yank out.  they creep up and grow and wrap themselves around the most real parts of me and i suddenly am immobile.  what masks itself at times as unwillingness, is actually inability because of inadequacy. and i think, perhaps, the inadequacy stems from the excess of emotions and feelings i am constantly swimming in.
          what i've begun to realize lately in this overwhelmed state is that somewhere along the way i stopped doing the work.  i stopped trying to deal with, be attentive to, and let the emotions and feelings teach me something and thereby allowing me to impart something to others, to give something of myself..that is hopefully wholly good.  instead i've let the chaotic mess of emotions and fear define me and my expectations.  i lose sight, thinking this swell inside of me is solely a curse.
           i cannot forget the work that it takes, the attention it requires as well as the admission of truth that these feelings are true to me and who i am and how i interact and connect with the world around me.  truly it is in my design.  and i am imago dei. i am made in the image of God, so these emotions and feelings that reign so heavy in me, must be some reflection of how God has fashioned me.
           so the struggle is worthy of a pause and reflection.  i owe the struggle my gratitude.  it is the struggle that has brought me to the word empathy, perhaps the truest part of me.  it is the constant struggle that has led me to deal with the all pervasive fear this world too easily hands us on a daily basis.  it is the struggle that makes me aware that often i feel void of value, but it is that struggle that leads me to fight and recognize what is true about me so i can take these feelings and emotions and use them to help others, to allow them to spur me onto connection and community rather than to run from it.
           i am thankful for the wonder of empathy, for the struggle of inadequacy and this life that may more often than not be a fight, but the victories make all of the toil and the grappling worthy.

  

creativity & gratitude

"You're staring down the stars

Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
But you're staying where you are
There's nothing you can do
If you're too scared to try"

~Jealous of the Moon 

his love was loud.

he offered us everything and

for two hours it swallowed us whole.

his heartbeat shook an entire auditorium of hungry souls.

we sat in quiet wonder, a tacit agreement.

every piece, we devoured, each moment was awe-filled.  he gave, so we'd only want more.

and the reverie in which he carried himself, and the charm with which he spoke, brought such satisfaction, a satisfaction that stays.

...until next time.

occasional vulnerability//the curated life

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  

 

yesterday, i sat in my classroom during my prep period with the lights off, soft music playing, and i felt for the first time in two months like i could breathe.

i had one class left to go until 3:30 on Friday afternoon (the most magical time of the week) arrived.  This particular 3:30 was special as it ushered in a week-long fall vacation.

we are exactly half way through semester 1, and honestly, i am surprised, truly surprised, that i have made it through.

i've been told time and time again that the first year teaching at any new school is a tough one.  and if i think back to my last two teaching stints, however distant a memory they may be, i can recall the truth in these words.

as i pondered how things have gone and where i wanted them to go in the next nine weeks, i realized that in spite of all the negatives that seem to loom, i could also recognize a lot of growth and a few victories in the previous nine weeks.

i think those growths and victories can all be attributed to one thing:

vulnerability.

if i think about the handful of times my students responded with insight and care, and were really engaged//attentive to me and each other, was when i was at my most vulnerable.  it was when i was being real, when i connected literature to real life, when i revealed a truth about me or my life, when i called them on their shit and explained to them why it wasn't okay.  i think those moments, few as they may be, have been our best thus far.

and they haven't been easy.  but what is easy about vulnerability?  it is probably what i loathe and long for most in my life.  the ability to be vulnerable and express things and simply be in the most authentic way.

it is an occasional happening, it has come about by circumstances and where i may have felt led or forced, but there is something to life's movement now, where vulnerability is the path i am actually wanting to traverse as hard as it may be.

it is something that goes along with building this life, not just living it. 

october's wonder//i can be somebody

every month i make a playlist of tunes that guide me through the 30ish day journey that happens twelve times a year.

every month has its own flavor.

and every month, invariably carries its own theme.

january is always titled in conjunction with joy.  a fresh start welcomes the calm songs of winter that inspire and soothe, paving the way to a beautiful new year.

february tunes are always themed around love, because in spite of any bitterness that may encircle my heart around the 14th of this month, i am a sucker for a sweet song that so beautifully articulates the complex emotion and decision of love.

and the months carry on and winter songs turn to spring tunes and soon the lists take on a life of their own and begin to encapsulate the fire and life of early summer.  and things return to a certain melancholy when fall comes and i find songs taking me to a familiar place of comfort, hope and soon holiday anticipation.

all the while i find that music for me is a form of therapy.  it is something that helps me manage my emotions and clarify my feelings.  it is especially so in times of stress and busyness and complicated emotions that i have yet to figure out.  the music that i fill time and space with demands to be heard and felt, whether i am driving to work, taking a shower, walking the pup, or simply sitting and being.

it is with the songs that i begin to channel what it is i am feeling by the words that resonate with my heart.  i begin to harness the thoughts to put words to the feelings about many things that for a long while seem to remain unclear and intangible because they are clouded with emotion. but eventually the guidance of song and the truths the lyrics often bring about the realities in my own mind and heart to the forefront.

as i was walking around the neighborhood the other night with my october playlist in full swing i came across a song that also ran on my september playlist and seemed necessary to carry into october though i could not name its significance to me at the time.

but as i walked under a starry clear night sky october has so wondrously offered, i really began to listen beyond the beats and the groove of a song, and i finally heard the words, and i felt enveloped by hope.  i felt a sudden closeness with the Lord as tears began to fill my eyes.  it was a reminder that my prayers have been heard.  that he ultimately knows.  it was the grace of knowing He's got me.  it was moments of peace that so suddenly caught me right where i was.  it was a relief to experience such unexpected peace and hope amid a collection of stressful days and weeks.

it was unexpected grace in song, in nature and in my heart of hearts.  it was pure wonder and amazement...all molded into one moment.  and it is so special and precious when it is birthed from a simple song.

on a happiness brought about by gratitude

sometimes life gets hard.  when it does i tend to think back on each difficult season in the past decade or so and how quickly those ever so familiar, but long repressed pains begin to haunt me with aching clarity.  the bad brings reminder of the bad.  it seems to be the easiest and quickest thing for it to do.  almost as easy as it is to forget those moments when things are good and feel right.  i know i'll see those times again, i do...but for now i am living in a season of doubt and the heavy weight of a well-known oppression seems to be my current reality.  and so i am searching for anything and everything that offers a moment of joy, a reminder of grace, a feeling that is worthy of being captured by putting pen to page or creating a collection of images.  and when i come across it, you can be sure i am taking note.  it becomes my supply, my cherished gift that i treasure as i find my way back to what was or what is to be, and what i am to become.

this is my happiness//my thankful list for september:

-short commutes

-friendly starbucks baristas that encourage adventure in a cup of coffee

-unexpected laughs

-learning how to do something and getting it the first time

-parents that want to be partners in their child's education

-literature

-shorter days with hints of fall

-puppy excitement upon arriving home

-friends that text you just because

-ryan adams covering taylor swift

-commonalities

-new television seasons

-how Jesus calling is always spot on

-mindy kaling because she always gets it

-new running shoes

-pumpkin

-respect

-hebrews 10:23-25

-walking the aisles of barnes & noble

-having a mom who still listens to her daughter's every groan and complaint, who always answers her phone calls and who prays for her fervently

-declaring balance as more important than being perfect
-finding healing in unexpected conversations
-learning to step off the line of emotions
-accomplishing tasks
-rereading good books

-air conditioned environments
-planning for sweater weather

if nothing else, these words comfort in the thick of despair

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print
They tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

on giving up

 "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas Edison

give up or keep going?

everything happening in life lately leaves me with one desire.  to give up.  to choose a different path.  this one isn't working.  it doesn't look how i thought it would, and deeper than that, i am uncovering this wrenching ache of alone that seems to be slowly permeating every fiber of my being.  every day lately is tear filled.  i am searching and reaching for something.  but it feels like grasping at nothing.  i am praying for something, someone to tells me that it's okay, it will get better, and that it's more than these present moments.  

and i know that it is.  i trust that it will be.  and yet, i can't shake this weight.  it's heavy and consuming.  i used to be better at escaping and finding the light again.  but here i am, stuck.

at every turn, i just want to give up.  

and i've come close.  

but then i remember...giving up is the old me. giving up was characteristic of a girl who was okay with staying in a dark abyss all by her lonesome.  giving up is testament to a weaker version of me.  giving up was for the fear filled girl with little sense of worth.  

i am not her anymore.  right?

right.
i am not her anymore!

because i am redeemed.
because His grace and forgiveness are real.
because His love is tangible.

i am not alone.
this is a truth i know, but is it a truth i believe?

 Lord, help me to see it...to believe in the truth that i am not alone.

i believe He is calling me to press on in what i am doing, even if it seems to go against everything else inside of me that says, it would be okay to give up.  

but in all reality i know that giving up would be not only the easy way out, but the weaker way out.  it would lead to deeper and greater pain, i am sure.  and yet it still remains my utmost desire.

sticking with it means getting gritty. and my oh my, do i need grit.  it means persevering and being bold and doing what is uncomfortable and so far out of my natural element.  but i suppose all of that can be overcome.  i believe it can.  

and in the end, i will.  i will keep going.  what choice do i really have?  and less than a year from now, i may look back and say, i am so glad i stuck with it.  that's the hope.  that is the prayer.

i will keep going.
i will get gritty.
i will keep getting out of bed in the morning and keep walking out the door every day.
i will keep breathing
and believing 
and grasping tightly to the hope that He who promised is faithful
and trusting that the perseverance will bloom into strength and courage.

i am not alone.  
i will keep going.

grace | its many workings

today was one of those sundays when you get up and go to church and you kind of don't want to.  like bed is just more inviting. like it is too hot and humid out.  like you just feel like today isn't the day.  but something nudges you out of bed anyway and you get up and get dressed and head out almost as if forced but not attentive enough to the nudgings to really explain why.

so in spite of the hesitations and the inclination to be anywhere but, i made it to church with an iced coffee in hand no less, because yes, it really is that hot and humid...and i felt i needed the extra push.  then i sat in my usual area in my usual seat around the usual people and i wait.  the worship team ushers us in with a song to turn our hearts to the Lord, but i am still elsewhere.  i am thinking about my friend who isn't here, i am thinking about the emails and texts i need to send, i am wondering about the gentleman sitting alone to my right, i am thinking about the coffee shop i work in after the service, i am distracted by the baby sitting two rows in front of me and i smile as i watch dad bounce him along to the worship and mom looks on with the most admiring and proud smile.  i feel a pang.  oh what was that pang...longing? shame? worry?  i push it down and i fix my eyes on the screen that displays the words we are singing to God.  your praise will ever be on our lips...i think about those words and i feel it, the shame creeps in again.  but i do my best to push it down.  i look down and stare at my shoes as i already feel the hot tears welling up beneath the surface.  i quickly blink them away.  i look to the section to the left and i see a lady i know with her arms outstretched to the heavens praising her Lord and i smile.  i try to think about what we are singing and why.  but i feel lost in the cacophony of voices around me.  i sit down and place my hands in my lap and focus on my breathing.  in and out.  in and out.  and soon the tears begin to fall and i don't know why.  this is all too common when i walk through these doors in such a state.  i know i am where i am supposed to be.
so i stand up and join in the last verse.

we sit down and prayer is had and announcements are given and the guest speaker is introduced.

i shuffle in my seat. am i irritated?  i think i don't like church when one of our own pastors isn't speaking.  i sigh in dismay.  why does it matter?  i don't know, maybe because this man doesn't know us, he doesn't get us, he won't know what to say.

then this man preaches.

and he can preach.

like God speaks through this man.

and sometimes when you've been around church as long as i have sometimes you get to thinking that you've heard it all.  but i am humbly reminded again and again no matter how much i 'hear' the same truths over and over they take on a new shape, a different resonance, almost a new scope of meaning each time.

and today was like that.

on a day in which i feel shame bearing down on me, when i feel overwhelmed by guilt, by everything i lack, by everything i am not, by everything i think i should be...grace is spoken over me.

and grace is one of those words that can so easily lose its meaning.  it becomes a redundant idea that no longer holds power.

but grace was taught and spoken and pierced me in new ways.
it was and is grace that covered my shame, guilt, and the 'everythings' that torture me.

only grace relies on the power of the cross and the resurrection.

only grace teaches me that God most wants my trust.

only grace can convince me that i am righteous and holy

only grace can tell me that i don't want to get away with anything

only grace can take away self-condemnation 

only grace depends on the Spirit in me

only grace can take away my fear

only grace says don't hide

only grace allows me to obey from the heart and not just comply

only grace reveals the Jesus I can rest my very being upon

let His grace remind you and convince you that you are loved by a great God

let His grace create an environment of grace in your life

let His grace inform you the truth of the really really good news

the act of alone.

sometimes it is hard to do life alone.

a friend recently asked me if it was my intention to stay single through my thirties.  i immediately responded, "i don't know." i wasn't even taken aback by the question, because it was different then i was used to.  it wasn't "who have you been dating lately?" or "why do you think you aren't married?" it was simply, what are your plans in doing life...alone or with someone? 

and the truth is, it has become an odd conundrum since turning thirty.  dating is suddenly different.  it doesn't seem like it is just for fun anymore.  it doesn't seem like it is for the joy of getting to know someone for an evening and not worrying about what happens next.

instead there is a pressure, a clock, if you will.  and no, not the biological one...though i'd be lying if i said i don't fret about that one from time to time.  it is a pressure of...how many "not working out" can one woman endure before she becomes hardened, or gives up, or worst yet...settles.

it's probably the thought of settling that gives me the most comfort in doing life on my own.  i feel pretty awful when i consider the one or two men i let hang around when i knew full well, that us sticking together would mean in my mind and heart i was settling.  and i am so thankful that no guy has settled for me.  and i know for certain if one had stuck around, we'd both know his heart would have been restless with me.  and as painful as that was, i can now, with years of healing, be more than okay that he didn't, that i didn't, that we didn't. 

the truth is, i told my friend, is that my intentions are to simply keep my eyes open for a "good" guy and in the meantime work towards becoming a better woman.  she then inevitably inquired as to what constitutes a "good" guy.  and you know what, good has changed meaning for me over the years.  and while good seems like such a generic adjective, in my mind, it is the best one out there, because good can encompass so much.  good is more than kind, sturdy and reliable.  it moves beyond the essence of patient and loving.  it is more rounded than that.  it is thick with forgiveness and it sees with eyes that are not tuned to the world's truths and estimations of beauty, but rather the wisdom of the Word and the love that stems from knowing through and through that he too is beloved. 

i used to say, he should be tall and nice and of course love Jesus.  all of which is good, but it took understanding good on a deeper level to surmise that all i really mean is i want a good man.  and he may be hard to find, or maybe it's me that is living a life hidden away, but this act of alone is alright by me.  it is not necessarily my desire to live this act out for the next nine years, but it serves its purposes for now. 

marriage, dating, singleness, divorce, death, loneliness and alone all hold their own difficulties that we all, wherever we find ourselves, have to learn to navigate with grace and fortitude.  and so far, i think i've done alright.

i don't know if i'll ever get married, and frankly i have to accept that.  my older friends, with much more life experience and wisdom under their belts give me a chuckle when i say such things as they see me as much too young to draw such conclusions about my life and future.  they see me with a handful of opportunities and much, much time to figure and find all of these elusive things that our culture says is the embodiment of a happy life.

and you know what, i think they're right.

so i am trying not to come to those conclusions so easily anymore.  i am trying to address the questions and inquires (of a mostly caring group of humans who are so in want of knowing how a woman of 31 face a life on her own) with kindness, honesty and tact.  i don't want to be a woman who groans, or whines, or wonders along with the pact why it is and why i am. 

God has blessed me with the strength and ability to shine brightly in His world, showing me that anything is possible when I have faith, and that all things contain their own wonder and joy.  ultimately i guess it is the hope and knowing that my supply and sustenance, no matter where i am at, comes from Him.

thoughts//tunes

live in defiance of mediocre expectations.

 

fears remind us that we're real.  everyone is afraid.  look into stranger's eyes and see, we all share the same humanity.

yes. yes. yes.

/////////////////////////////////////////////

 these tunes are stirring my soul.

on summer//this is happiness

summer is good to me.

i love the long, free, no demand days that lie spread out with no seeming end.

sometimes i just sit here, with so much to think about and relishing the space that summer affords me to do just that.

to think. 

to have space...for my mind and heart and soul to breathe.  

open space.

i see things in ways i cannot when i have day to day distractions and demands that busy me 

summer teaches me things.  

it offers me the grace of rest. 

time lets me fuel obsessions that otherwise may seem futile...

ed sheeran tunes non-stop

when calls the heart episodes on repeat

afternoon naps with the pup

writing, writing, writing, whenever i want, grabbing a pen, opening up to a clean page & writing

getting up early to run

swimming in the late mornings

outdoor plays

$8 movies

mixing it up with salads and more salads. salads of all kinds.

homemade iced coffee in a mason jar

reading good books

freely choosing what i read

reading outside my comfort zone

reading guilty pleasures

uncovering new reading rhthyms

really summer is mostly a love affair with books

and it is good. really good.

2015: in reading//so far

 *disclaimer: my reading goal for 2015 was to read a book a week.  ambitious, i know.  but it was an important one to me.  it definitely didn't pan out as i should have read 25 books by now.  however, i've read just 10, which is actually pretty good considering the year i've had.  now this being my first summer off in ages, i have declared it the summer of reading, an enjoyable plan if there ever was one.  so without futher adieu, here is my year in reading so far:

1) Me Before You by JoJo Moyes | January

this. book. got. under. my. skin. 

the characters make decisions the reader is not necessarily inclined to make themselves.  in which case, this story often feels uncomfortable at the very least.  it is a book that made me wonder and question my very own set moral beliefs (which in my humble opinion makes for great writing).

i look at lou, will, her family and his, and i felt with each one's plight.  and to feel with every character really makes for a good writer, because i often don't feel with every character.  up until this book i hadn't read anything by jojo moyes, but now plan to read more.  her writing is rare because it is clear she is intimately involved in the lives, heart, dreams, and deepest fears of all of her characters, no matter how minor.  she writes as a seeming expert on physical disabilities and the emotional terrain of the disabled as well as the caregiver. i have two favorite things about this book.  the first was that the author's bravery to play with different vantage points randomly throughout.  even though the majority of the book was written from lou's perspective, i appreciated the chapters that provided an outsider's perspective of lou and will and the ongoings of the story.  the second was the ending.  i found myself getting angry once i realized 300 pages in how things were going to go down.  i even felt betrayed, which seems silly, but i imagine it was probably exactly what moyes intended the reader to feel.  it made me connected to lou and walk in her pain with her.  but ever so suddenly with only a few pages left the reader is seemed to made to understand will and his choices.  it is not an agreement, but rather an acceptance. and that is something because i am a person who tends to walk a high moral ground with little allowances for what i deem immoral choices even in literature and film.  and yet, the story ends, and i understand, and i question, and i wonder.  for those readers that only want a happy, feel good ending...perhaps this book isn't for them.  but there is some solace to be grasped in the end, and maybe after all, in the end, what matters most is that we love the best that we can.

2) The Only Necessary Thing by Henri Nouwen | January

this is one of the best books on prayer and perhaps the only one on the subject matter i may recommend.  i began reading this in 2011 as part of my devotional time.  but had left off on chapter 9 for some unremembered reason.  so in january i picked it back up and started over.  henri nouwen is a favorite of mine on matters of day to day intimately walking with Christ.  i think he was an infj.  his writing feels meant for me.  that is how it seems when i sit down with any one of his books.  its like a deep theological conversation with a wise and vulnerable friend. this is a small bit i truly treasure from his thoughts: on "Desire"~the desire for communion is a God-given desire, a desire that causes immense pain as well as immense joy.  Jesus came to proclaim that our desire for communion is not in vain, but will be fulfilled by the One who gave us that desire. 

3) Yes Please by Amy Poehler | November-March

i used to hate amy poehler.  i thought she was stupid and irritating.  i didn't have much to base that on, so it was a rather unfair conclusion that i drew.  then i discovered parks and recreation about three seasons in and i came to adore her.  well, probably more so the character of leslie knope. but that inspired me to know (through my own research) the woman, amy poehler.  and not much longer after that, i discovered she was writing a book.  and this is one of those books i find myself at the bookstore purchasing the very week it was released.  and since reading it i now feel as if we are friends.  what i loved about amy's writing that is unlike most other memoirs is that she was candid, vulnerable and honest while still living in the hollywood limelight.  she gave her fans and readers an intimate portrait of amy poehler the woman, the mother, the aspiring comedian, the successful actress, writer, improv performer, as well as a divorcee who seems to be navigating that unruly terrain with class.  i am never much a fan of divorce, as i am of those who fight for their relationships.  divorce always looks more akin to giving up on someone, especially when it seems to be over what the hollywood people seem to be big fans of, "irreconcilable differences".  however, what i found to be different about poehler's divorce experience was how highly respectful and loving she remains toward her now ex-husband and how highly she esteems him as the father of her children. side note: i especially loved to discover that the 'ann perkins|leslie knope friendship' seems to be just as really as rashida jones and amy poehler!

4) Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler | February

this book is fun.  i like to just look at it.  it actually reminds me of a book i put together as a child, a mixture of words and pictures.  this book is my one young adult read for the beginning of this year and in many ways i adored it.  i took my time with it and chewed on it slowly.  however, it definitely could have been a quick read.  much of it feels typical.  it is what i've seen in many other books and film and my own life in regards to the behavior and idea of falling and being in love in teenage world.  but what i liked most was the last few pages...the true expression of a bitter, bitter heartbreak...through one too young to experience such things.  though i did have some qualms with some of the content, it was authentic and honest and that is what good writing is. 

5)The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins | March

 

this was one of the best narratives i have read in awhile.  i like reading a tale that is out of the ordinary for me.  i am not much of a mystery reader, but this one came highly recommended by gals whose tastes in reading, i often emulate. it wasn't as quick as a read as i had hoped, though i was never bored.  there were two things i really liked about the girl on the train. what i liked most about it was the split between three different yet connected narratives.  we get to hear the story through the lives of three different women.  mainly the focus lies on the protagonist, rachel.  rachel stirred up empathy, sympathy and a lot of cringing.  i think the reader can easily at the very least sympathize with rachel's plight. though it may be a struggle as it seems she makes many errors in judgement that just leave the reader wondering why. but as we hear megan and anna's stories we may even begin to  feel sorrier for rachel and if nothing else we hope for her, that things can and will get better. the second thing i liked was an unexpected ending.  i often don't catch the hints surrounding most plot twists, but i think paula hawkins did a masterful job keeping this one underwraps.  until the very end it is unexpected.  and i loved that!

 

6) Small Victories by Anne Lamott | February-May

i am biased when it comes to anne lamott. she's my lady.  i was introduced to her sophomore year of college by one of my favorite psychology professors.  traveling mercies (some thoughts on faith) has remained a worn and treasured companion over the years that i regularly revisit.  small victories, i believe is a third installment of a devotional type of book she has written.  it began with help, thanks wow (which i only liked), which led me to skip over stitches (the second installment), but i ended up picking this one up, because it felt needed.  and it was...needed.  anne lamott writes with candor.  she too writes like you're having a conversation with a dear friend, who perhaps thinks very different from you, but still offers great insight and wisdom into your life that helps foster your own spiritual growth.  i love how real she is and how she is able to tap deeply into so much of the human experience that i would imagine anyone could relate to.

7) The Good Luck of Right Now by Matthew Quick | March-May

i absolutely adored this book.  i was a "silver linings" fan, but not to the point that i would think everything matthew quick writes is a masterpiece.  however, this was a quirky tale told through letters to richard gere.  i enjoyed that aspect of it.  soon richard gere turns into this god-like guiding light for the main character bartholomew neil.  it was difficult to determine (and maybe it was just me) what exactly bartholemew's deal was.  without giving too much away his mother had recently passed away from brain cancer and as solace, a way to deal with grief, he began writing letters to richard gere who was his mother's great love.  he believed she was hallucinating richard gere before her death and he would often take on playing the role to appease her.  it is also important to note that bartholemew neil is a thirty-nine year old man who has never held a job and has been living with his single mother all his life.  Add a cast of charming characters, a grief counselor named Wendy, the girl-brarian, an ex-priest, and a few other gems, the good luck of right now is a beautifully weaved tale of unconditional love, acceptance, healing, and the path to wholeness.

8) Scary Close by Donald Miller | February & June

before i write exactly what i think about this book, let me first say, donald miller isn't for everyone.  not everyone who read Blue Like Jazz loved it.  but i did.  i also found great life meaning in reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  so, i suppose i have a bias toward Miller.  even if donald miller isn't for you, i believe Scary Close is.  i say that because i think every human being should read this book. it might just be me and my personality, which feels close to how don describes himself at the beginning of the book...especially because of the relational patterns he goes through.  but i think everyone can learn something about their false self, identifying their true self and pursuing relationships unabashedly, intimately and with deep vulnerability.

9) All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven | May-June

 

i am torn on how i feel about this one.  i heard jennifer niven speak about her experience writing this book at a ya panel in pasadena.  i ended up buying it after hearing what a personal story it was for her.  she was sweet, soft-spoken and held the same admiration for fellow ya author stephen chobsky that i do.  so i felt we connected and i bought her book.  the thread of this story hits a little close to home for me as well, and maybe that's why it didn't sit as well.  theodore finch and violet markey tell the story through alternating chapter.  violet is grief-stricken after losing her sister less than a year ago after a freak car accident that she was a part of.  theodore finch is a layered teenage boy with much angst and unsureness as any teenager, but he also carries layers of deep pains and wounds that we get see unfold throughout his tale, an absentee father, and really an absent mother as well, and then the fact that he has been dubbed the school freak, really for reasons i feel we as readers are not made to fully understand...with the exception of a specific incident at the beginning of the book. like with my first book of the year, i found myself angry by the end.  i kept thinking over and over, it doesn't, it didn't have to be this way.  i get it.  but really?  why? why? why? and that is where my own experiences begin to cloud my judgement on this book.  truly, it is good.  i am glad niven had the courage to tackle the issues in this book.  you definitely get the sense, she gets it, and maybe that's all you really need when it comes to stuff like this.  someone who gets it.

line i love/the last line: "I tread water on the surface under the wide, open sky and the sun and all that blue which reminds me of Theodore Finch, just like everything else reminds me of him, and I think of my own epitaph, still to be written, and all the places I'll wander.  No longer rooted, but gold, flowing.  I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me." -violet markey

10) Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel | June

i am not one for post-apocalyptic reads.  in fact, i didn't really have a clue that's what i was getting into when i picked this one up.  what i will say though, is that mandel creates the most beautiful post-apocalyptic world i could ever imagine.  this is an interesting tale of life after a flu pandemic wipes out most of the world's population.  only a few small groupings scattered across the globe, though mainly the US, are left to live in the aftermath.  There are many character's narratives to follow in this book.  On one hand it is enjoyable, and on the other it gets a bit confusing.  truly, i recommend this book as a unique and entertaining read.  it saw me through eight hours of jury duty.  while i got lost sometimes, i appreciated that it made me appreciate the small things, such as being able to turn on a light, have a warm cup of tea, to be able to sleep in my own bed, and not worry about self-protection in the sense that i carry a weapon on me wherever i go.  there are three characters in the story i think readers might identify with most that are weaved through most of the plot.  all of the characters are inter-connected as well, in that eventually at some point or another their paths cross.  i would have loved to see more of jeevan's character development, but i've read other reader's reviews and many felt the author did his character justice.  the thing i've found i really desire with this one is to talk about it with people, so i will spend the summer passing it onto as many friends as possible.

inside out//a both + and kind of life

it was years ago that my spiritual director began talking with me about living a both/and kind of life.  it was, at the time, such a foreign and incomprehensible thought.  to live and to hold two seemingly contradictory truths felt like it went against every fiber of my being.  my 24 year old self still did not seem to understand that life can be both happy and sad and that those two realities, how opposing they may seem can actually bring one into deeper more heartfelt living.

since then i have learned that things don't always need to be an either/or experience.  it doesn't have to be all bad or all good.  memories fade and can be colored differently then they were actually lived out in the present moment.  regardless more than likely from every experience endured or enjoyed has both positive and negative elements, and that's okay.  it feels so simplistic now to say and write.  but the battle to come into that comprehension was hard fought.

yesterday i went to see inside out.  my expectation for this children's film was small, but its content circled around my heart and mind for the rest of the day.  i like to think there is joy and sadness working inside all of us for our good.  it really was such a beautiful depiction of how i think God has truly designed us.  we are meant to experience varying degrees of emotions and our experiences all affect us differently.  some of us are more inclined to anger and disgust, while others of us have a stronger pull towards joy or sadness.  whatever the case may be it is all part of this internal design we were born with.  and how we cope is part of that design.  it is intricate and most of the time it seems to reach far beyond our limited human understanding.

sometimes we can be damaged greatly.  sometimes our pains never really heal properly.  they are left to be cut again and damaged further.  but I think in God's perfect creation and design we are never wounded beyond repair, in spite of all the baggage that we carry, there is still redemption and healing in our stories if we are alive and walking. 
and you know what, amidst tears or laughter, heartache or joy, it is pretty damn beautiful.

a deep ambivalence//the kindness of grace

What am I doing? Tearing myself.  My usual occupation at most times. | Charles Dickens

Some of us were ambivalent.  But we don't do ambivalence well in America.  

We do courage of our convictions.  We do might makes right.  

Ambivalence is French.  Certainty is American | Anna Quindlen

As for accomplishments, I did just what I had to do as things came along | Eleanor Roosevelt

Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. | Martin Luther King Jr.

i have been long absent from this blog and it disappoints me.  i had great ambitions for this little creative space of mine as the year began.  and now roughly six months in, i find myself wondering what has kept me from pouring out thoughts, feelings, learnings and life events from the last few months.

i think what has been happening is that as of late i am bit ambivalent about life.  and not just certain aspects of life, but rather much of it. 

ambivalence is not a place i like to exist in and yet it is literally where i am finding myself.  in theory, escape seems so easy.  like just decide to get out.  decide to feel a certain way. just do it.  change it.  but i cannot.  it doesn't work like that.  i don't work like that.  does any human work like that?

instead i am praying for a way out of it...a way of finding myself in a place that doesn't feel so ambiguous, oppressive and so opposite of what i wish i had and what i think i want. 

it's hard because there seem to be timetables on my ambivalence.  i must decide.  i must figure it all out.  i must have an answer.  and the funny thing about it is, for once these are not self-imposed timetables.  i am forced to demonstrate the courage of conviction.  i like what Quindlen said.  it is such an american thing to demonstrate courage and sureness and certainty.  but what do you do when you don't have it?  what do you do when you cannot give it and it is literally being demanded of you?

i want this, but i don't.

it is okay, but it actually isn't.

i am okay and i am not.

and it is in this ambivalence, in this unsureness,  in these great doubts, that perhaps i can more authentically experience the kindness of my Savior, the kindness of His grace upon grace, that i am so undeserving of, but is truly the only thing that is getting me through.

it is the kindness of His grace that is carrying me through the thick of a deep ambivalence.  and it is His grace that i trust will lead me to a sense of certainty, but until then i walk in faith.  a faith that i am staking my future and my life on.  as scary as that is, i suppose that might be just where He wants me.

Scary Close

i think this perfectly embodies why i want to write, why i love to read, how i want to live and why donald miller is my favorite.

the wholeness of life//ballast & rudder

disclaimer: i had difficulty titling this post.  the truth is, this is one i've been chipping away at for weeks.  it has remained amongst a plethora of drafts because it hadn't found its true meaning until today.  it started just as the wholeness of life when one thought had set itself afire all the way to my heart.  then it turned into ballast and rudder because of a beautiful analogy our pastor presented at church last week.  and lastly, today i add prayer and love, simple words that they are, but necessary to add for the full meaning of this post to be realized.

i thought about this year's resolutions very carefully.

i pondered and prayed about what 2015 should look like for me.  how might i grow?  how might i impact the world around me?  what can i learn?

and so, gumption came to me. rather than the other way around.  there it was.  perfectly packaged and presented.

this is it, i thought to myself.

my perfect guidance for the new year.  i was getting affirmations everywhere, so i plugged away at how i might live gumptiously.

last year, wholeheartedly was it.  and i found it was a hurtful word to carry on with.  it was a good kind of pain; a necessary hurt, for it made me realize and feel things i had long suppressed.

but so far, i am a bit at a loss as to how gumption has guided and will guide 2015.  i have found myself grasping for it blindly...trying to figure its way in to the moments that seem to call for it.  however, when the moments arise that seem to demand i find i have no words or the words seem to come out all wrong.  i find i am shrinking back instead of standing up.  i've even resorted to hiding at my worst.

and truly, i think now, almost two months in, i realize why this is.
my life lacks its most foundational guidance.

prayer.

a life that lacks prayer is a life that is rudderless.

my life without consistent, conscious prayer is a life that lacks direction, or in fact is going in every wayward direction.

but my life with prayer is like a ballast to a boat.

it is what gives balance, stability and weight to my life.  i am not usually one for boat analogies but this seemed to make the most sense to me recently.

a boat cannot do its job without a rudder and a ballast.  these two things are the essence of the boat's security and strength as well as direction and control.

they are akin to prayer and love in my own life.

without prayer i am lost.
i used to somehow manage to get by.  (all still by God's grace)
but consciously no longer can i.

as lent has begun (though as a church community we begin tomorrow) everyone is speaking of what they're giving up.  and it is good.  i'm all for it.  but i've spent many lents giving things up only to recall that which i gave up...not what the giving up brought me.

this year, i am focusing on what i am giving into.  and that is prayer.  there are many things i am too afraid to pray for.  there are many things i've stopped praying for because it has seemed that God has been rather silent on the matters.  there are things i do not ask for and there are people i have yet to pray for.

this convicts and plagues my heart.  a follower of jesus, as i call myself, is called to prayer...to pray...in each moment.

i am humbled by figures like brother lawrence, henri nouwen, andrew murray, and models in my own life who devote themselves to not only prayer but something much deeper; living a praying life.

so my thick focus for lent, for this leap of faith season, is this: to seek Him first. to seek Him in and through prayer.  on my knees.  daily.  praying for specific things, praying for hard things, praying for that which i've been too afraid to pray of before now.

out from prayer grows love
prayer is the wholeness of life
ballast and rudder

love//the words

you sat next to me.  it was something small to you, but it was something ever so large to me.  you sat next to me.  i sighed with relief.  i kept finding ways, small ways, to look at you.  to see your face, to watch your focus, to feel your warmth.  i crossed my legs and tilted my gaze so that you were in my peripheral.  i opened my journal and i wrote.  you opened your book and you read.  and i thought to myself, everyday could be like this.

it was a lofty thought.  to consider this, me and you, what we could be...forever.  forever.

and sometimes it felt like more than forever.  it was those moments, scattered as they were, that you were aware of me.  that you felt with me.  that you listened to me. that you called me.  that you waited for me.  that you sat with me.

it was profound.  it changed me. for the better, than for the worst, but ultimately for the better.

i remember you said, "you get too pensive."
i do, i thought, i do.
you didn't like that i had to stop to ponder so much.  you didn't like that we could never finish an argument without me taking a pause.  you didn't like when i said today needs to be me alone.  you didn't like it.

you were okay when it was you, not choosing to be alone, but rather to be with someone else.  that was okay.  that made sense.  but my need to be alone, that always confused you.

in the end: i gave myself away.
i changed for you.  i thought i could become exactly what you wanted, exactly what you needed, but it wasn't enough.  it wasn't okay.  not for you and not for me.

did you change for me?  did i cause you to do the things you did, to make the choices you did, the ones that hurt me, the ones you knew would hurt me?  did you understand the power you held over me?

it doesn't matter now, but i wonder if you did.  often i wondered.  it plagued me like a recurring illness.

but eventually, time stepped in, enough of it, for the redundancy of a thought to finally dwindle to non-existent

i remember texting you when i was on a bus in queens.  it was the first time i felt together in awhile.
do you remember what i wrote?

of course not.  it's probably a long deleted, or old archived conversation, far too brief to hold any importance for you.

all you said was, thanks.

i remember.  as soon as i read it, i deleted it. it said enough to help me to finally let go.

i'm so happy for you. 

those were the words that should have come months before, but couldn't find their way to you, not authentically anyhow.

our story is long over, but its effects remain deep.  we've both moved on in different ways.  and it's good.  really good.  if i held the pen to the story i always think, haughtily so, that i could have done a better job.

but i am wrong.  i never could.

i long ago gave up the idea of holding the pen.

today i was reminded that the surrendering of control is a good thing.

i realized it when you said hello..
it was perfect.
i recognized it when you pressed into my life, when you showed you cared.
i'd never come up with those words.
i couldn't have written that any better.  really, i couldn't have.

it is, for whatever it is or may be, the beginning of everything.

on loss//a prayer of hope

 "how do the geese know when to fly to the sun?

who tells them the seasons?

how do we, humans know when it is time to move on?

as with the migrant birds, so surely with us,

there is a voice within, if only we would listen to it

that tells us so certainly to go forth

into the unknown."

~Elizabeth Kubler Ross

loss requires perspective.
i think perspective comes with and through time and separation from the loss.
but sometimes loss doesn't happen in one fell swoop, rather it comes as a season with good and bad moments and then can hang on like a habit that cannot be broken. it is most definitely a long and arduous process, one in which there is no other way around but through.  and some losses will hang with us forever.

but in that there is beauty to be held in the loss.  there are memories and fondness that can ease the pain.  what is most wonderful and lovely in loss is that it brings out a hunger for heaven.  it stirs a desire for hope that is true and lasting.  and it is a reminder that our lives are more than this.  our lives are meant to be defined by much, much more than the losses that accumulate.

sometimes loss is worn like an unremovable label...they lost their child, she lost her husband, his parents abandoned him.  sometimes those losses become a part of you whether you like it or not.  sometimes they must define every next step.  sometimes those losses and the way you carry yourselves through and after lift you up to be a beacon of hope for others.

then there are the other losses.  i wouldn't dare call them smaller, they are just "other".  one can lose a grandparent, and those sorts of losses are not entirely unexpected.  for we learn with old age, death is rather inevitable.  then there are the losses of beloved pets.  expected or not, they can be equally difficult to walk through.  then there is the death of a dream, the loss of a job, friendship or even expectations.  all of which hold their own pain.

the question loss begs is, when is it time to move on?  not forget, but forge a new path...when is it time to go forth and chase after a new dream?  when is it the time to remarry?  to have another kid, to get a new pet?

lately, life is scattered with little losses.  i can assess the size of my own because i know how they feel when i sit with them and hold them in my hands.  i feel their weight and though they are not great in size, the depth of their pain is real.  they are losses i can certainly move on from.  they are losses that remind me life is a both/and experience rather than an either/or.

moving on requires a direction, and i find that it is the direction that is unknown.  and the unknown, right now, feels like the greatest hardship amidst the losses.  the unknown, instead of feeling expansive in nature actually feels quite limiting.  and as soon as i recognized the limits that i felt, i realized i was losing hope. and the loss of hope is not a loss i can bear.  it wasn't even an all encompassing loss of hope, but rather a gradual loss that showed itself when it finally came to writing down the possibilities of new directions.  i couldn't see past the way in which i've let these recent losses define me. 

so i lay these losses at the Lord's feet.  i give Him this 'unbeknownst to me', direction.  He knows.   when i am feeling a sense of lost hope i know with great certainty i am at the very least headed in the wrong direction.  so i trust, i must trust, He knows.

so, tomorrow, Lord willing, i will awake, and i will rise and my feet will touch the ground and i will walk forward, pressing into the day, dreaming and living in unknown directions. i may not know what the next day holds, but He does.  and His direction for me is saturated in hope.

Lord, let us not lose sight of You.  You who holds Hope in His hands.  Help us to rely on and rest in You.  Draw us, our dreams and desires, our losses and heartbreak to You, the only true Hope.  thank you that (as scary as it is) we can go forth into the unknown, trusting (not always seeing) that you truly are guiding each step.  as we take these quiet, sometimes trepid steps toward your lead, may we come to know You more intimately, knowing that you too bear our losses. may we find the comfort of peace that you offer us so graciously. 

gumption//word of 2015

how gumption came to me was rather coincidental.  i was looking for a word like gumption, but at first i didn't like the way it sounded.  words, they must sound good, no? especially when that is a word you are counting on to define and guide a whole year of your life.  gumption to me, at first sound, seemed sort of a dumb, odd choice.  it's not a word that rolls off the tongue with ease. nor is it pretty.  it doesn't bring to mind a beautiful image.  nevertheless, i have no doubt that it is my word, rather my theme for 2015.

gumption demonstrates a certain strength and tenacity just in how it sounds.  it is the word that best defines my efforts, desires and dreams for 2015.

a few days before Christmas, as is tradition, i watched the holiday while wrapping gifts.   and surprisingly, unlike any previous viewing this scene stood out to me:

iris has always been the more relatable character for me, of the two leading ladies (something about those kate winslet kind of girls).

this time around i really saw this scene as the most important part of the movie, in my humble opinion.  more than seeing her fall in love, more than seeing any other character's kind of happily ever after, you just want to see her stick up for herself and tell jasper where to stick it.

and she does.
beautifully.

and you see, this is what i want in many sorts of ways.  the gumption (spunk, spirited initiative, courage, cleverness, nerve, sass...) to stand up, to speak up, to shut up, to write it down, to share it, to pray it, to believe it, to fight for it, to just finally say it.  to not let it go.  to not pretend it doesn't bother me.  to not say no when i really mean yes and vice versa.

gumption lived out is strong.  gumption lived out looks tenacious and acts boldly.  gumption to me, bridges the gap to 2014 because it in many ways also conveys my wholehearted approach to life and all that i do.  i believe gumption is feminine and i believe gumption is God-given. 

i don't characterize my goals and drive for 2015 to be wholly gumptious. i know i can't be and won't always be.  there will be situations that call for it and i will not step up.  maybe because i am afraid, or i am tired, or maybe at that point in time, i just won't care.  and my false self will say i failed and i am no good...but hopefully, i will realize this is not true.  i will instead pray and i will remind myself, that this here, this year i have been given, this word in my heart is to remind me to try.  it is to encourage me to be more and to say what wants and needs to be said.

gumption, i believe, is what God is calling me to be and live in such a way.  it is the word inscribed in my heart as it is in its current state.  prior to this, about midway through 2014, brave was the word that rested heavy on my heart.  to be brave. however, i questioned it often.  because brave to me is rather vague or at the very least an overused term that seems to lose its meaning as a result of misuse.  if anything, i think gumption is a component of bravery.  it is not bravery, but rather a piece that i need/long to learn to live out.  i believe gumption is the vocal piece of bravery.  and one thing i can say with certainty is that i don't think i'm to be quiet anymore.  it's time to speak...write...and respond.

so,  2015, 4 days in...
let's pray, and let's take small steps, and some bigger leaps and let's be gumptious.