chugging along...

i really like walking outside at night. i like it enough that i would actually refrain from making plans with someone just so i could have my evening open to walk around outside alone. i do this for the purpose of finding peace, for the purpose of clearing my head.  it gives me the quiet alone space to really think about things.  outside at night i feel loved, truly loved.  and in this quiet alone space, i enjoy Him. i stare at the moon, i admire the stars, and i breathe in the soft and silvery darkness.

i hate brushing my hair.  i never do it.  when my hair is silky, soft, and straight, well,  i just don't feel like myself.  a messy pony tail, a loose braid, a tangled side swept mess, or a knot on the top of my head suits me best.

i feel the most comfortable in my car. driving along in guaranteed solitude is my sanctuary.  i can listen to whatever i want, or i can relish the silence.  i don't have to answer my phone and i don't care who's looking.   i will sing my heart out, pick my nose, have a messy cry, or just pray out loud.  it's the only place i can do all these things...freely.

i much more like to watch shows and read magazines about funny, curvy, happy girls, rather than thin beautiful ones.  that isn't to say that one cannot be defined by all of those things, but truly, i'd much rather see and enjoy the genuine, authentic happiness than conform to what "they" say will make you happiest.

there's nothing more perfect than january sun.  these 70 degree, crisp clear days, make me long for an always summer kind of life.

i still love to wear dresses with jeans.  being freakishly tall, makes most dresses far too short for just regular wear.  so dresses and jeans are just the best combination.  i still feel so feminine when i pair the two.  a soft pink dress with dark wash skinny jeans and sparkly flats, it is just so me.  on that note, anything that sparkles is a winner.  i'm just that kind of girl.

hummus and pita is by far the greatest food.  i could eat it everyday and feel full and happy.

ryan gosling movies are just sooo good.  if the same movie existed with any other actor but him, i would not think it the same, but since it's him, i can say, they are just sooo good.

baking is my forte.  when i'm covered in flour, and the house is filled with fresh warm oven smell, i feel i'm at my best.

if i'm known for being a sweet and kind person, i am okay with that.  smarts and beauty are overrated.

i'm on a mission to find balance in life. i don't want work to dominate my life.  i don't want passion and ambition to cause me to neglect relationships.  i am emotional, and i cry more days than i don't.  i am soft, and i like to make other people happy, so i will bend and sway to meet their needs.  sometimes i feel like i just need to sit this one out, to regain composure, to maintain fire, or to just feel like i still want to be here, and i still want to do this. so i will. i'll sit it out, and it'll be okay.  sometimes i have to be harsh and firm, to make a point, to gain respect, and i'm finding that's okay too.  i am who i am.  i can and will change.  so will you.  i won't always like my hair messy.  nor will i be a fan of every single ryan gosling movie to come.  i will always be freakishly tall, and i will never stop thinking hummus and pita are the best foods.  some of these things are the core of who i am, while other parts will change and fade away.

i am who i am.  but i'm still figuring things out.

i will keep chugging along.

a new year//still new

i found myself quickly getting discouraged as my new year got very busy, very fast.  over the course of one week, i fell back into my old ways, too busy to think, process, or really feel the days i am in.  i refuse to let this course of action define my next week, and the upcoming months.  they threaten to be quite busy.  but i'm desperately hoping and fiercely praying to maintain purpose, to really find a work/life balance, to focus on things that matter and really count, rather than getting caught up in day to day troubles that really don't or won't amount to anything of any real value, that matters for me or anyone else.

i can never be too busy to pour something of value into my students everyday as i teach.
i can never be too busy to encourage a person in my daily path, who seriously needs to be noticed and encouraged.
i can never be too busy to begin my day with Jesus.  to sit at His feet, to listen to His voice, to say wow, thank you, and help me.
i can never be too busy throughout my day to miss His voice, calling me, prodding me, luring me, singing me songs of hope, glory, and wonder.
i can never be too busy to deny myself the simple pleasures i so deeply love and long for. (lattes, nature walks, puppy cuddles, laughter, and mom talks.)
i can never be too busy to answer a text.
i can never be too busy to help out, where ever i am at.

it's a new year that is still new.  it's not too late to make it all count for something.  i seek transformation.  my life can change, i can be refined...

twenty thirteen/thirty/transformation.

as 2013 is just beginning, and i am entering my last full year of being in my twenties (yikes) i've begun to do as i always do, and that is, make a list.  that's just what i do.  i make lists.  i like to have a really good idea of what i am doing, where i am going, and how i am going to get there. 

something about a list is so completely satisfying to me.  the act of crossing through an accomplished task is just feels so good.  i think having a "list" gives life a certain sort of direction that really it begs for.  when it comes to a new year, i always have a list.  it's not a list of resolutions, per say, but rather a list to lead in a direction.  and that direction, i believe is a direction of goodness. i am not so much interested in the actual event of new year's.  in fact, the turning of the clock at midnight to usher in 2013 was spent in a chilly parking lot, waiting for a friend while her car battery was charging. i drove home early tuesday morning, and people were in the streets celebrating.  i actually found comfort in their celebrating.  they waved as i drove by as i was headed home to my solitude.  i  took a shower, ate 2 peanut butter cookies, and slipped into bed with my puppy and tess of the d'urbervilles.  for me it was a perfect way to usher in the new year.  

but now that we are full swing into 2013, i really start pondering what this year holds for me.  what do i want to accomplish?  what kind of things do i hope to do?  and the list in my mind starts growing...perhaps its verging on some sort of disorder.  i have a list of  movies to watch, books to read, there is my ever growing itunes wishlist that completely defies my bank account. there are lists for dream vacations (paris, greece, south africa), there's a bucket list of shows to see, and a list for places around the city to go.

 then there's big financial planning lists, small budget planning lists, a list for non-existent kid’s names. there are the target lists, grocery lists, and lists for weekly chores. there’s the list of personal goals (i.e. buy only three new purses this year, join a yoga class, eat more cruciferous vegetables, get regular sleep…), then there are the life giving/monumental/meaning filled lists: get married, go sailing, travel, finish my book, go to nyc, run a 10k, etc.  so as we get right down to it with a new year, with 483 days until i turn 30, and the desperate need to attend to the burning desire to keep building more and more good, life giving wonder into my life and days, i'm making a list for twenty thirteen and my exaggerated countdown to thirty. 

the word for my year is transformation.  i really want to see my life transform in every aspect.  to transform; to make a thorough change in the form, appearance, and/or character of.  i want to transform my life by choosing to live healthy every day. this year i am changing my focus on healthiness to be much more practical.  every week will be spent focused on a different aspect of my overall health that is stretching beyond the physical, to the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual.  words like hydrate, rest, nourish, unplug, dream, pray, reconnect, boost, stretch, practice, cook, balance, order, dress, all embody the effort i will put towards gaining and maintaining overall healthiness.  
i want to transform my life by reading. a lot. finally i can call myself an english teacher (hooray). i really believe books just make you smarter. i tell my students that all the time, and i know its true for me. i finally get to teach novels.  i have so so so many i want to read, so many i’ve read and loved. i just think reading is one of the most enriching things we can do with our time.  i am stoked to read and talk about books with my friends, and to do this with my students. mainly i would like to finish those beast of books, i either read long ago and have since forgotten the important details and emotional impact of, or finally attempt the novel i bought years ago and never read, or the book i keep making it halfway through only to walk away for too long and by the time i come back, i cannot remember where i left off. so with the seasons, over the next year and a half, i’d like to finally conquer(or conquer again) east of eden, les miserables, & anna karenina. 

i want to transform my perspective on life stuff. there are things I cannot really control, and there are things that I can. basically all of those life things we think we so very deeply want, a love, marriage, and family…I’ve struggled over the years of whether that is something I want too.  truthfully, I still am unsure about it all fully.  I think the difference now is, that I am open to it.  I am open to seeing if it something I really do want for my life.  I am closer to love and marriage, but so far from creating a family.  This year, I will pray about it.  I will pray about it a lot.  And I will be open.  I won’t say “no” anymore, when I really mean “yes.” i will take more chances.

then there is life stuff, part 2. the whole career thing, the being financially stable, owning a home, sort of thing.  it seemed so impossible to me for so long to attain any of that. and now, I find myself embarking upon the career I worked so hard for, and longed so much for.  and with that comes greater financial security and more serious future planning, such as paying off debt, and perhaps having a place, that is really my own.  and then there is the dreams part of life. they are those things beyond the real life stuff.  the things you often think about, the things you wonder about, and put your heart into, never knowing if they will really happen. the things that hold so much more beauty and possibility than reality really offers us. they are those things that often go unspoken for fear of their never coming to fruition.  for me, in my twenty eighth year those dreams mainly revolve around writing and traveling.  i want to see london, paris, and greece.  i want to write about…well, so much.  what if? it is always there, constantly confronting me. what if? what if by the time i’m 30, i’ve walked in paris underneath the rain? what if i wrote something and shared it with someone else? what if? what if i was unafraid to put a greater voice and passion to those dreams?  what if they actually happened?  so this is my list, my thoughts, my plans, for twenty eight, and twenty thirteen, and the road to thirty.  it really isn't a to do list of any kind...it is simply desires all meshed together.  it is further growing into my adult life.  it is becoming more responsible, it is not losing sight of those truest parts of myself.  it is pressing on with courage and hope.  it is putting my heart and soul and desires all into my Lord's hands.  and it is knowing that He is the author and creator of all of it, of all of me.  all of these dreams, and life stuff, and real things, they are His, they are from Him, and all I can really do is know that they are there, and pray for them and about it, and press it all into His hands, trusting and knowing that ultimately the most important part of all of it, is that He is with me, He cares about all of it, knows about all of it, and knows how it will all come together.  Lord, i know how i want things to go, how i hope it will happen, how i feel about it all right now, and what i would like to see unfold in the next year.  but i trust that YOU know what is best.  You have a plan, a perfect plan.  these are my thoughts and hopes, wonderings, prayers, and dreams.  do with me as you please.  transform my life as you see fit.

a white blank page.