In times of deep sorrow and disappointment, everything we believe can be called into question...

Jesus' words tell us that He is safe to spend time with in our sadness. Our sorrow gives us the opportunity to know him with a depth we may never have experienced before. In some ways we cannot know Him without going through deep sorrow.

to whom it may concern,

As I have been pondering lately the idea of touching fire, I cannot even believe how silly I was to think I could do so without getting burned. There was/is a reason for that innate disagreeable feeling within me. You know what I mean? It is like my whole body, heart and soul was in disagreement with what my head was saying to do.

Sometimes my mind just gets in the way...

So, how can we go about understanding this? Where do I begin? The truth is, I am flattered by the attention you give me. The affection you offer is enticing. But it isn't enough. I'm sorry for leading you on. I'm sorry I led myself on too. To think I could do this; I was wrong.

You aren't for me, and I am not for you.

I need someone who will run beside me, pressing harder day by day, looking unto the sky, with hope, with purpose, in love with Jesus. I can't save you, but I pray you will find salvation. Please understand...

I pray for you. I pray you find truth, hope, and love.

Thank you Jesus, for loving me, for teaching me, for guiding me, for always bringing me back to truth, to hope, and to love. You are my heart home. Thank you that in You I find everything I've ever needed and longed for!

This Week: A Thick Prayer Focus!

2 Samuel 7:18
"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
"Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?"

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him.

As we enter into this last week of August, this sort of end of summer feel is in the air, and in that we are being challenged to really enter into prayer. Ed shared some great nuggets on the topic of prayer today, challenging us to walk into a new normal in our communion/relationship with God.

Specifically what struck me was how if we really think about it, the only people God relates to are unworthy ones. So often I let the fact that I am so not worthy to commune with the God of the Universe deter me from ever really praying. I mean to really sit before the Lord...and pray. But in all honesty, what could I possibly do to make myself worthy of God? Absolutely nothing. It seems silly that I've let that prideful sort of belief hinder my communion with Him.

So this week I am pressing into prayer. I am going to ruthlessly unhurry my life, I am going to do my best to sit down before the Lord, much like David, and just commune with Him. I long to be quiet before Him, and just listen...I want to soak in His presence.

mmm...Lord, this week I ask that as we press into prayer, You would meet us. Clear the distractions, cause us to be focused, zoned in on You! Speak Lord...please move in our hearts, our lives, our church, our city, our country, and our world...

Love?

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

~Ephesians 3:14-19

I have been pondering lately the whole experience of God's love. As someone who has believed in God since I was a young girl, it seems that the experience of God's love should be something I am now well acquainted with. The problem is experience and feelings are temporary. Therefore, often times whatever moments of felt love from God I have experienced can easily be forgotten.

Because of that there are consequences. While deep down inside of me I am certain of God's love for me, I struggle to understand this conciously on a day to day basis, and as a result often times I feel as though God doesn't, or couldn't love me.

While these feelings do not speak any truth of God's character, in the same they are feelings that are equally real to me as experiencing God's love. It is difficult to accept either, to be perfectly honest. I don't want to truly admit that God could not or does not love me in spite of how I feel, and in the very same breath it is extremely difficut to accept His love.

What a puzzle!

Where do I go from here? In moments of deep thought, concentration, and limited distraction, it is possible to venture into an intimacy with God in which his love feels so real and dear. Living on this earth in this human filled world it is difficult to acheive such moments. More often than not I am my own distraction. I think my life is far too messy, far too sinful, for God, to love me, really actively love me, let alone, dare to even look upon me. I just think if I could tidy things up, and make everything neat and pristine, well, then I could be good enough for God.

God, what do you think of that? Are you laughing at my stupidity? Are you sad over my faulty thinking? I wish I knew. Help me...to...to just be quiet. Help me to listen. Help me to see, to understand, to comprehend Love. Your perfect love. Honestly I just don't get it.

the mean reds.

the crimson wave, the mean reds, whatever it is called, has come with a vengeance tonight. i am awake. wide awake. i have never been more aware of how quiet it is at night. the low hum of the ceiling fan hangs over me. a certain sense of aloneness envelops me.

the pain keeps me awake, so i am loading up on bayer, a bottle of water, and a heating pad, in a effort to combat this monthly curse.

and then I found myself reading. and before i knew it, i had read through the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. it's an hour before i am to be awake and my mind is reeling over this masterpiece. seriously, cannot believe i haven't read this since i was a child. i've always adored c.s. lewis, i rarely touch his works of fiction, and that saddens me a bit because this is such a beautiful story. i love the friendship of lucy and tumnus. it demonstrates such sweet innocence and i loved the way Lewis describes the feeling the children experience when they first hear about Aslan.



And now a very curious thing happened. None of the children knew who Aslan was any more than you do; but the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different. Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don't understand but in the dream it feels as if it had some enormous meaning-either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning too lovely to put into words, which makes the dream so beautiful that you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again.

i am actually so glad the mean reds kept me awake tonight. i am so glad instead of sleeping i read this book again. i am thankful for what i generally dread coming every month, stirred me awake to read and ponder. today i will walk in tiredness and inspiration.