on a happiness brought about by gratitude

sometimes life gets hard.  when it does i tend to think back on each difficult season in the past decade or so and how quickly those ever so familiar, but long repressed pains begin to haunt me with aching clarity.  the bad brings reminder of the bad.  it seems to be the easiest and quickest thing for it to do.  almost as easy as it is to forget those moments when things are good and feel right.  i know i'll see those times again, i do...but for now i am living in a season of doubt and the heavy weight of a well-known oppression seems to be my current reality.  and so i am searching for anything and everything that offers a moment of joy, a reminder of grace, a feeling that is worthy of being captured by putting pen to page or creating a collection of images.  and when i come across it, you can be sure i am taking note.  it becomes my supply, my cherished gift that i treasure as i find my way back to what was or what is to be, and what i am to become.

this is my happiness//my thankful list for september:

-short commutes

-friendly starbucks baristas that encourage adventure in a cup of coffee

-unexpected laughs

-learning how to do something and getting it the first time

-parents that want to be partners in their child's education

-literature

-shorter days with hints of fall

-puppy excitement upon arriving home

-friends that text you just because

-ryan adams covering taylor swift

-commonalities

-new television seasons

-how Jesus calling is always spot on

-mindy kaling because she always gets it

-new running shoes

-pumpkin

-respect

-hebrews 10:23-25

-walking the aisles of barnes & noble

-having a mom who still listens to her daughter's every groan and complaint, who always answers her phone calls and who prays for her fervently

-declaring balance as more important than being perfect
-finding healing in unexpected conversations
-learning to step off the line of emotions
-accomplishing tasks
-rereading good books

-air conditioned environments
-planning for sweater weather

if nothing else, these words comfort in the thick of despair

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print
They tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in
And demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream 'til I die
And the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

on giving up

 "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas Edison

give up or keep going?

everything happening in life lately leaves me with one desire.  to give up.  to choose a different path.  this one isn't working.  it doesn't look how i thought it would, and deeper than that, i am uncovering this wrenching ache of alone that seems to be slowly permeating every fiber of my being.  every day lately is tear filled.  i am searching and reaching for something.  but it feels like grasping at nothing.  i am praying for something, someone to tells me that it's okay, it will get better, and that it's more than these present moments.  

and i know that it is.  i trust that it will be.  and yet, i can't shake this weight.  it's heavy and consuming.  i used to be better at escaping and finding the light again.  but here i am, stuck.

at every turn, i just want to give up.  

and i've come close.  

but then i remember...giving up is the old me. giving up was characteristic of a girl who was okay with staying in a dark abyss all by her lonesome.  giving up is testament to a weaker version of me.  giving up was for the fear filled girl with little sense of worth.  

i am not her anymore.  right?

right.
i am not her anymore!

because i am redeemed.
because His grace and forgiveness are real.
because His love is tangible.

i am not alone.
this is a truth i know, but is it a truth i believe?

 Lord, help me to see it...to believe in the truth that i am not alone.

i believe He is calling me to press on in what i am doing, even if it seems to go against everything else inside of me that says, it would be okay to give up.  

but in all reality i know that giving up would be not only the easy way out, but the weaker way out.  it would lead to deeper and greater pain, i am sure.  and yet it still remains my utmost desire.

sticking with it means getting gritty. and my oh my, do i need grit.  it means persevering and being bold and doing what is uncomfortable and so far out of my natural element.  but i suppose all of that can be overcome.  i believe it can.  

and in the end, i will.  i will keep going.  what choice do i really have?  and less than a year from now, i may look back and say, i am so glad i stuck with it.  that's the hope.  that is the prayer.

i will keep going.
i will get gritty.
i will keep getting out of bed in the morning and keep walking out the door every day.
i will keep breathing
and believing 
and grasping tightly to the hope that He who promised is faithful
and trusting that the perseverance will bloom into strength and courage.

i am not alone.  
i will keep going.