someday//part I

i was having lunch with a friend the other day.  we were both picking at our salads, quietly enduring a lull in the conversation, when my eyes fixated on his.  i quickly alerted my friend to this dreamboat sitting a few tables over from us.  with a soft kick to her leg, she too looked in the direction of my gaze.

"wow."
"mmmhmmm."

her face was flushed.  we tend to have the same taste in men.  dark hair, dark eyes, that manly kind of beard that it looks as though he could grow over night.  a red plaid shirt that perfectly complements his medium skin tone and gives him that mountain man appeal. and those hands, those really good sized hands, the kind my own "unsmall" hands could get lost in. sigh.

he catches us looking, and we both quickly look away in our all too obvious fashion.
we look at each other and giggle.  for my friend, the moment has passed.  she has already brought a new topic to our lunch time chat.
but i am still smitten with mountain man a few tables away.
i push the grilled chicken and romaine around in my bowl, keeping my eyes lowered.
i'm counting the seconds before i steal another look.
damn, too soon.
he catches my next glance and smiles.

oh gosh.
i set my fork down in shame.  he will not see me take another bite.  my friend has already resumed picking at every last vegetable in her assorted salad while i have reverted back to my jr. high self, in which the rule was, "never let a boy see you eat."

my friend looks at me exasperated.
she has already picked up on what is going on.
"you're not done." she declares softly.
"i'm not hungry anymore."
"oh jenn, he's not that cute."
i look at her with one of those c'mon seriously faces.  the kind, after years of friendship, she understands the meaning behind.
"actually...he is. he is definitely the kind of "i can't eat in front of him" cute.  i know i am being ridiculous, but honestly, i can't help it."  i say this all in a whisper as i inconspicuously observe where his gaze falls.  i turned my eyes back to her and gave her my most innocent puppy dog face, silently pleading with her to entertain my immature plea in this moment.

she drops her napkin onto the floor to turn and catch another look at this god sitting only two tables away.
i cringe with embarrassment.  my friend has a very unafraid flirtatious quality that has always drawn men in.  even though she's the married one, i find myself praying to God he sees the ring on her finger and that it automatically nullifies any interest he may have had in her instead of me. stupid girl stuff. ugh, i feel despicable. we're always plotting away at how we can get our own way, and constantly in a comparison frenzy. who's prettier, who's thinner???

"okay he is that cute." she clarifies this new observation way too loudly for the quiet non busy setting of our lunch date.
he smiles at us again.
oh god i have to get out of here. 
the only feeling now i can grab onto is that all too familiar mortification in jr. high when my frenemy chelsea p. told bobby g. i had a crush on him.  the next time he saw me in the hall after this piece of information had been revealed, he looked at me like i was the most pitiful creature on the planet and stated, during a busy passing period, in front of a large group of guys that had crowded around him, that he would never like a girl like me.  i never quite figured out what that meant, though i've given it way more thought than it deserves.  bobby g.'s rejection still haunts me, all these years later, whenever i find myself attracted to someone.

"go say hi."my friend interrupts my sad memory lane train of thought.
"oh yeah, because that is so my style."
"oh geez. when are you gonna grow some and talk to a guy you think is hot."
i ponder this.  i have a real sense that i never will muster that courage.  unless of course i was intoxicated.  and generally i believe intoxication is probably my most unappealing state. though i wouldn't really know, as it hardly ever happens.
"uh huh."
"c'mon, just do it. i'll give you...a dollar."
"tempting offer."
"maybe he'll come over here."
"i don't think so."
"you never know. he keeps looking over here."
"you don't know where he's looking."
"well, if he knows what's good for him, he would be."

i resume forking at my expensive chicken and greens, as his red plaid fills my peripheral vision.
why can't i be that confident woman who just walks up to an attractive man and says hello? i am such a timid creature when it comes to men.

"do you suppose we've ever had this kind of affect on a man?"
"probably."
"yeah?"
"well, probably not in the exact way your thinking it.  guys aren't as spazzy as us."
 "spazzy, indeed."
"i'm sure it has happened more times than you know."
"well, if that's true then that would mean they lack as much courage as i do."
"men."
we share an agreeing laugh.
but i can't help but wonder if it really is true.  has a man ever been attracted to me in the way in which i am attracted to this lunch time stranger.  attraction is most definitely a strange and wild thing. it can't be helped really.  it just seems to happen.  you can't plan it, or expect it, or force it.  it can be so completely overwhelming and so very forgettable.  but what does attraction ultimately lead to? a conversation, a date, a relationship, a marriage, or nothing more than a few glances across the tables.  i have been attracted to so many men in my lifetime.  most of whom i have long forgotten.  i've gotten to know men and have become attracted to them, when initially i wasn't.  but i've never experienced a lasting attraction.  the kind that remains through the course of a relationship, or a crush that never dies out.  eventually attraction fades.  what do you have then? i always wonder how married couples maintain that attraction to one another.  it must be possible.  but i can't help but wonder if it is possible for me. someday, maybe, attraction will lead to something more.  someday maybe, some man will find me as alluring as i found this plaid wearing bearded stranger to be.  someday, maybe me and some wonderful man will build on an attraction something that lasts for life. someday.

future husband, know that i am a shy and timid creature.  if i seem terribly uninterested, know that i very much am.

a forest of forgotten tears.

sometimes it comes from the words of a song, or a walk under an autumn night sky.  it can come from a hug, an "i love you," or a sermon. somehow it comes.  that moment when you feel reconnected to life.  maybe you never even realized you were so disconnected.  i surely didn't.  i just keep going, and don't even realize, i'm not really feeling anything.  i'm just shut off, because all I am doing, is doing.  i miss being.  i miss feeling.  i miss connecting.

this song has awakened my heart.  i feel as though i am reconnecting to myself.  my feelings are beginning to come to life again.  i want to be awake and aware to the movement of God in my life.  i can't stand numbness, and busyness.  i never purpose to find myself here, and yet, somehow i always end up being in this disconnected state of being.

i suppose busyness gets the best of us at one time or another, and it feels like the perfect excuse to shut off.  i stop feeling.  i stop being me.  it is almost as if i become no one.  it is as if my heart and soul is absent from my being.  thank you God for using a song to wake me up.  thank you for these words causing me to stop and listen.

all the shadows

all the shields

all the voices

they stir the field

we gotta lift our eyes to the dawn

through the forest of forgotten tears

let it all out

let your guard down

let it fall down

and rearrange again

it's a reconnection.

thanksgiving//what i now know.

"I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union." ~Abraham Lincoln (October 3, 1863)

there are many things i tell myself are true about me.  but the truth is, most of those things, just aren't true.  they tend to be things i tell myself to excuse myself from doing things i don't want to do, they are things i tell myself to comfort me in poor choices, and then there are those things i tell myself that are just plain hurtful.  things i would never say to another.  but i believe these hurtful things as if they are truth.  i am learning (painfully slowly) to focus only on the things that are unchangeably true about me.  for example, i am a female.  i am an adult.  i am tall.  i have dark hair and dark eyes.  i am an introvert.  i am a citizen of the united states of america.  i am a christian.  and with that last truth comes a myriad of truths about myself that are not from me, but from God.  God who made me female, with dark eyes, and dark hair.  God who gave me great height and an introverted personality.  God who designed me to be born a citizen of the US.  God tells me I am His child.  In Him I have all these things: He chose us(me and you) in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him. In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.  In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. (Ephesians 1)

when i consider what i now know, i cannot help but be thankful, truly thankful for so many things.  thankful for who God is, and His Son Jesus, and His precious Holy Spirit.  i am thankful, i am known by Him.  i am thankful that i can live my life to know Him more.  i am thankful for His truth in His Word.  year after year, even day after day, these truths seep into a deeper place in my soul and heart.  i am thankful that i am a citizen of the united states of america.  even though our country seems to be headed into an immoral and wayward direction, i am thankful for the history of our nation, the role our country has played globally, the leaders who have led us, the military who fights for and protects us, the flag and what it means for us, the freedom, the fact that we still have some value in our nation that says, "in God we trust."  i am thankful for who i am and how God has made me.  i am thankful for maturity and getting older. i am thankful for learning and understanding.  i am thankful for new knowledge.  i am thankful for a pensive nature and a calm spirit.

i am thankful for what my life contains: healthy family, good friends, a sweet and adorable puppy, a teaching job(doing something i love), opportunity, hope and a future, peace, faith, love, joy, creativity, inspiration, and determination.  i am not wavering on that line of hopelessness and hope anymore.  i live in hope, and hope produces so much in one's life.  for that i am truly thankful.

what i now know (at 28) i am sure is so small in comparison to what i will know at 29, then 30, to 50, to eternity.  i will know more than i now know.  that is inevitable.  and i am thankful for that opportunity: to grow in knowledge.

sometimes i feel so small, and even my gratitude feels so limited by my knowledge and the limitations of how much my brain can remember or think about at any given moment.  there is so much i am sure that i have not even considered that i owe God my gratitude for.  so my eyes and heart turn to what i do not know.  those who are hurting that i do not know, those that are hurting that i do know(but don't really know), those who are fighting, those who are mourning, those who are hopeless, those who are faithless, i can only ponder them and pray.  God knows.  on a day of gratitude, we all have something to truly be grateful for.  however, for some it is much harder to focus on those things when a huge loss can't be ignored, or a heavy fear weighs down so oppressively. i can still do something in my limited nature.  i can pray.  i can pray for eyes to see and hands and a heart to help when i can.  and for that desire, and that reminder, and that ability, i am thankful.