solitude.

how does one exist inside a couple? i wonder. i've never really ventured this path before, at least in a healthy, giving sort of way. and every time it comes up with any sense of realness, which is rare, i tend to freak out. i am very used to this life of solitude, and frankly, quite like it. but i'm not exactly sure what it is i like about it. i fear it is the comfort that i like. it doesn't involve any risks. there is no real potential for pain. there can be a pain in solitude, but it is a pain i am now well acquainted with, and therefore, i know i can handle it. i am frightened to hurt someone or worse be hurt. i am afraid i won't always feel the same way. how can one trust love and affection to continually grow? though i suppose i've seen that happen in other relationships. i am just so confused about all of it. i want to embrace this idea of love, and offering oneself wholly to another, but how do you know when is the right time...who is the right person? how much of yourself do you offer and how quickly? who sets this measure? i appreciate honesty, but am terrified of it at the same time. i want to be relieved from this pressure and yet i long for it to exist. i don't know what else to say. but i stand here confused and scared, and feeling much like a contradiction. and its not necessarily a bad thing. it's a different sort of thing. i feel willing to embrace something different. i suppose if you're scared and you do it, it may be more worthwhile? or am i just kidding myself?