holding onto hope.

after the whirlwind of school, and then a vacation turned into a longer stay, i am settling back into the regularly scheduled program of life.  there's so much of day to day life that i enjoy, so many simple things, like reading a book, being outside, taking a nap, cuddling with a kitty, drinking a cup of tea, painting a picture, and writing...but all of this seems hindered by an overwhelming burden i'd like to call "what the hell am i doing with my life?" 

i am twenty seven years old and i keep thinking of that part in pride and prejudice (the 2005 focus features version) when elizabeth bennet and charlotte lucas are discussing charlotte's recent engagement to the ridiculous mr. collins.  lizzie is of course shocked and appalled by the news.  and what is charolotte's response? "i'm twenty - seven years old, i've no money and no prospects. i'm already a burden to my parents and i'm frightened. so don't you dare judge me lizzie. don't you dare!" oh, it's heartbreaking and quite matches my greatest fear, and that is, of settling.  not solely for a mate, but for a job, for a lifestyle, for a role, that i never really wanted nor was made for.  it is so easy to get wrapped up in the what if's? and the seemingly limited possibilities.

i've just sort of been inwardly frazzled, while outwardly appearing calm and collected about it (which happens to be rather uncharacterisic of me).  my mouth speaks words that don't agree with the state of my heart.  i think i am trying to achieve that sort of thinking that if i keep saying that i'm okay, that it's okay, then that truth will finally sink into my heart and settle there.  it hasn't happened yet.  i know i've got it all mix matched and i am frantically searching for answers with no prayers.  i wish i instantly had the patience to take a day, or even just a moment, and stop trying to figure out the answer and just pray and let my anxious control of these life decisions escape from my tight grasp.  but it's oh so hard.

Oh if we could all just simply rest in and rely upon the comfort and truth of these words to guide our way....Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong, and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."

this view was captured from the top of the rockafeller center.  while everyone was staring down at the majestic central park, my eyes were drawn upward and the only word i could think was...heaven.  and heaven=hope.