choosing joy.

I originally began this post on Christmas Eve and never published it.  But looking upon it now I find it fitting to add to today's post.  For awhile now I've set before myself the task of choosing joy.  I call it a task because often it proves quite difficult to live with true authentic joy.  Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it, and sometimes we can't even do that.  I have one friend who holds me accountable to this task of choosing joy.  She struggles with the same elements of it that I do and that is probably because our lives are quite similar.  I mention this because I find that accountability is salient for a feat such as this.  Live in and with joy at all times.  What has instigated and aided this fervent desire within me is the reading of this book.

I know I've blogged about reading this book before.  It has taken me months to get through it, and today I finally finished.  The reason it took so long was because it was simply a book I needed to chew slowly and process unhurriedly.  I struggled with much of it because it spoke to my heart so deeply.  In fact nothing has ever spoken to the depths of my heart like this book.  I want to share what the last pages spoke to my heart:


Spiritual growth has no boundaries.  It is tough, tough, tough! But in waiting there is wonder...a tough sacred wonder. Once divine compassion wakes us and stretches out its tender arms inside of us, we are never the same again.  We are compelled to suffer with, wait with, cry with those around us.  We want to relieve their pain as much as we are able.  Jesus was walking, talking compassion.  When we really live our True Self, we become that as well.  We become Christ.  We show an uncanny interest in the poor, the excluded, the despised and the least.  The coming of the true self tosses us into the wreckage of the world and asks us to bind up what wounds we can and do our small part to recreate a planet of community and justice, where there is fullness of life for everyone. Today welcome the Voice that bids you, me, us to come to the edge.  Welcome the gentle push of God, who is both our wings and the wind that bears them up.


This reminded me of what I experienced on Christmas Eve.  What God spoke to my heart.  So I revisited it today...


Christmas Eve 2010.  This year's Christmas is turning out to be just another ordinary Christmas.  It is not overly wonderful and there is certainly nothing terrible about it.  If anything it is just about the same as it is every year.  Every year I anticipate and expect something miraculous and magical to happen and every year it turns out to be pretty ordinary.  However, I shouldn't belittle my experience this holiday any because truly the most important thing that could happen, happened.  Last night I went to the Christmas Eve Eve service at Journey.  It has been awhile since I've attended a church service.  I think I felt uncomfortable going back to Journey for several reasons, none of which had to do with the church itself.  I was reminded yet again last night why it is I go to Journey.  Journey is a church where I feel like I can be myself.  Everything about that church is compatible with who I am.  In all my years of church going I have never found a church that I can so feel at home with.  God speaks to me when I am there...always, without a doubt.  He speaks.  He spoke to me last night.  LOUD AND CLEAR.  I think He has been telling me the same thing over and over and over and over, it's just that I can't seem to get it yet.  I let myself get too busy, too overwhelmed, to numb, to angry, too sad, and then I shut down and shut Him out, and tell Him that I don't want to hear it anymore.  But He got me to church last night.  He got me in that seat.  He opened my eyes, my heart, my ears, my soul, to hear, to listen, to process and absorb.  And now, it is all clear.


Jennifer, the dog days are over.  I am not indifferent to your pain.  I long for you to experience joy.  I sent my Son Jesus in the form of a baby to live life on earth so that you could ultimately know my Joy.  I care about your joy.  You are not invisible to me.  I see you.  I care about you.  Your heart will be restless until you find rest in Me.  In Me you will find fullness of joy.  Your heart will be satisfied.  Seek Me.  Say Yes to Me!  I will show myself to You!  What do I require of you?
He has told you, O man, what is good;
   and what does the LORD require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
   and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8


Joy seems less difficult with these gentle heartfelt reminders that bring tears to my eyes and calm to my soul.  I wish I didn't struggle and fret so.  I wish that I would choose to rest in Him, and to seek Him first every moment of each day. Not because I feel I have to, because in all reality that is my true desire that struggles to reign freely and first.  The desire for my vices reigns strongly too.  They take me to places I wish I'd never go.  But He always brings me out...victoriously! Lord, let these wishy washy ways become less frequent as I wake each day with the desire and intent to choose You...to choose Joy.  I want to live in my heart home, where joy reigns.  Keep me there and cause me to bring others there too as much as I am able.