quietly content.

in the past, i've found that things would and could, often and easily, upset me, and throw me off course. my heart would stew endlessly over any wrongdoings and injustices i would encounter personally or stand witness to. as a result i would become angry, experience sadness, bitterness, and then simply resignation. this year has involved one sadness and disappointment after another. i have walked fully aware of each one as they have visited quietly, or bombarded their way in with great force. i learned to walk in and through the pain, instead of shoving it down and pretending it wasn't there, and that everything was okay. the shocking result of that is that i find my heart more whole and full of hope than i ever imagined. my spirit and soul lives with so much peace, where before all i could detect was the deep buried distress ready to explode. i test myself. i think of things that at once stirred anger and now i only feel a calm. the strangest thing of all is the love that i feel. it's a bit overwhelming, and really simply weird for me. i feel love towards things, people, and ideas, that i could never on my own considering the history and reality of situations. it is truly odd. in fact, i find it so extremely peculiar because in my mind i have done nothing to proactively seek this zen state of being. generally if i am trying to achieve some sort of calm and generate greater love in my life, i think it must involve some sort of grand gesture on my part. for example, i haven't offered up that one really heartfelt, long, meaningful prayer to somehow earn this loving heart and peaceful soul. i have not tossed my burdens into the ocean, choosing to be free from all the weights and pains of disappointment and despair. i have not climbed a mountain, fallen to my knees at the top, crying out, with hands lifted to the sky, seeking out that healing touch that would empty me of all the bad and fill me with everything good. instead i simply go about my days. at first, like a grieving person, establishing simple to-do's, put on shirt, check. get in car, check. drive to work, check. and then suddenly, somewhere along the way, i stopped having to remind myself of those things, and i just did them. and suddenly there was room in my mind, and space in my heart to consider much else. i have been walking in and through grief, broken dreams, cracked hopes, and misunderstandings. i have filled my journal pages with prayers, questions, wonderings, drawings, directed toward a God who sees the big picture while i am living in the small frames. i have been fellowshipping with ladies who teach and speak from God's Word, who i have been dialoguing with about what it means to really love difficult people. i have been going to church where we are learning about what it really means to love and worship God in and with our bodies. i randomly meet and talk with people who somehow end up providing encouragement and direction to my life and heart. in a difficult workplace i find the strength and will to maintain some sense of positivity. i didn't do any of it on my own. i never could. i stand back and look at my life today, and no circumstances have really altered much. yet my heart is altered. i examine my feelings and emotions and i feel such a great amount of hope and inspiration, none of which i could conjure up myself. i lift me eyes in gratitude to a God who is working in my heart in ways i could never think to ask for. my imagination always puts a limit to what God can and will do. i recognize how finite my thoughts and expectations are. and for the first time perhaps, i really recognize with some sense of understanding the truth in these scriptures:
"now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever, and ever, Amen." ~ephesians 3:20-21
"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall make your paths straight." ~proverbs 3:5-6
and i praise Him.