renewing...

Psalm 51:10~"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me."

i like this definition of renewal--the conversion of wasteland into land suitable for use of habitation or cultivation. it's sort of a good way of explaining what this year has been like.

i want to be renewed. i've been made new, but the world, sin, and lies can corrupt that newness.

simply put '09 has been a struggle. struggle has its negative connotation, but there is always something positive to be derived from a struggle.

through the deepest doubts, the firmly rooted lies, and the pain planted in my veins, renewal became a necessity. i needed more than healing. change at some place must happen, or else nothing is ever really healed, and no growth can happen. becoming and evolving is an impossibility.

thankfully God moves and acts on our behalf, even when we do not know exactly what we need. sometimes i feel like i am just lying there, staring into space, drooling on myself, in utter despair not knowing where to go, what to do, or how to keep pressing on.

i get stuck listening to the critics, to the complainers, to that side of me, that false me that says i'm no good, that everything i do is wrong, and that i have nothing to offer...to anyone. the more i tell myself this, the more i listen, the more it becomes truth, indoctrinated in the depths of my soul.

that's when renewal of mind, heart, and soul becomes a necessity...and in abandonment of old ways, renewal becomes a reality.