Surrender

when i was younger, maybe around seventeen years old, i remember really grappling with the concept of "surrender." I wondered how it worked, what it looked like in real life...my life...any life. having attended a christian high school i remember singing a worship song to the Lord during chapels in which over and over we sung the words, "i surrender, all to You..." i never really understood what i was singing. i either took it to far, or perhaps not far enough.

did surrender mean not caring about those things that always plagued me? worry, insecurity, money, the future, etc...or was it relinquishing control over things such as finding a mate, figuring out a career path, or who my friends should be?

how could/can i know?

Jesus' life was surrendered to God. How do I know that? Well, when I read the gospels, I see that all He did, what He said, how He lived was all in loving obedience to God, completely surrendered to His Father's will, even when it meant suffering the worst human suffering imaginable.

How do I get my life to grasp that extent of surrender?

For me, surrender, was always about finding some sort of fixed formula. for example, to truly surrender your life, you must...and then there'd be a check list of some kind. but i've realized lately it is something that really happens from a changed heart.

it evolves from growing deeper in love with the Lord.

now more than ever i long to live a life that is wholly about loving and obeying God! This world is growing so wicked...sometimes, actually, almost always it is so plain to see. i tend to get so fixated on some hope for my life on this earth, like if I could just have this job, or if i could just travel to this country, or if i could just marry this person, or maybe if i had this much money, then i'd be...what? happy? satisfied? complete?

No! None of that will satisfy my soul, nor the innermost longings of my heart.
My heart beats for Jesus.

Surrender is being so far removed from the anger, bitterness, and resentment that once clouded the eyes of my heart.

it is resting in His love and grace.

God, please keep me here, how my heart longs to actively stay here with You!