Love?

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

~Ephesians 3:14-19

I have been pondering lately the whole experience of God's love. As someone who has believed in God since I was a young girl, it seems that the experience of God's love should be something I am now well acquainted with. The problem is experience and feelings are temporary. Therefore, often times whatever moments of felt love from God I have experienced can easily be forgotten.

Because of that there are consequences. While deep down inside of me I am certain of God's love for me, I struggle to understand this conciously on a day to day basis, and as a result often times I feel as though God doesn't, or couldn't love me.

While these feelings do not speak any truth of God's character, in the same they are feelings that are equally real to me as experiencing God's love. It is difficult to accept either, to be perfectly honest. I don't want to truly admit that God could not or does not love me in spite of how I feel, and in the very same breath it is extremely difficut to accept His love.

What a puzzle!

Where do I go from here? In moments of deep thought, concentration, and limited distraction, it is possible to venture into an intimacy with God in which his love feels so real and dear. Living on this earth in this human filled world it is difficult to acheive such moments. More often than not I am my own distraction. I think my life is far too messy, far too sinful, for God, to love me, really actively love me, let alone, dare to even look upon me. I just think if I could tidy things up, and make everything neat and pristine, well, then I could be good enough for God.

God, what do you think of that? Are you laughing at my stupidity? Are you sad over my faulty thinking? I wish I knew. Help me...to...to just be quiet. Help me to listen. Help me to see, to understand, to comprehend Love. Your perfect love. Honestly I just don't get it.