so in spite of the hesitations and the inclination to be anywhere but, i made it to church with an iced coffee in hand no less, because yes, it really is that hot and humid...and i felt i needed the extra push. then i sat in my usual area in my usual seat around the usual people and i wait. the worship team ushers us in with a song to turn our hearts to the Lord, but i am still elsewhere. i am thinking about my friend who isn't here, i am thinking about the emails and texts i need to send, i am wondering about the gentleman sitting alone to my right, i am thinking about the coffee shop i work in after the service, i am distracted by the baby sitting two rows in front of me and i smile as i watch dad bounce him along to the worship and mom looks on with the most admiring and proud smile. i feel a pang. oh what was that pang...longing? shame? worry? i push it down and i fix my eyes on the screen that displays the words we are singing to God. your praise will ever be on our lips...i think about those words and i feel it, the shame creeps in again. but i do my best to push it down. i look down and stare at my shoes as i already feel the hot tears welling up beneath the surface. i quickly blink them away. i look to the section to the left and i see a lady i know with her arms outstretched to the heavens praising her Lord and i smile. i try to think about what we are singing and why. but i feel lost in the cacophony of voices around me. i sit down and place my hands in my lap and focus on my breathing. in and out. in and out. and soon the tears begin to fall and i don't know why. this is all too common when i walk through these doors in such a state. i know i am where i am supposed to be.
so i stand up and join in the last verse.
we sit down and prayer is had and announcements are given and the guest speaker is introduced.
i shuffle in my seat. am i irritated? i think i don't like church when one of our own pastors isn't speaking. i sigh in dismay. why does it matter? i don't know, maybe because this man doesn't know us, he doesn't get us, he won't know what to say.
then this man preaches.
and he can preach.
like God speaks through this man.
and sometimes when you've been around church as long as i have sometimes you get to thinking that you've heard it all. but i am humbly reminded again and again no matter how much i 'hear' the same truths over and over they take on a new shape, a different resonance, almost a new scope of meaning each time.
and today was like that.
on a day in which i feel shame bearing down on me, when i feel overwhelmed by guilt, by everything i lack, by everything i am not, by everything i think i should be...grace is spoken over me.
and grace is one of those words that can so easily lose its meaning. it becomes a redundant idea that no longer holds power.
but grace was taught and spoken and pierced me in new ways.
it was and is grace that covered my shame, guilt, and the 'everythings' that torture me.
only grace relies on the power of the cross and the resurrection.
only grace teaches me that God most wants my trust.
only grace can convince me that i am righteous and holy
only grace can tell me that i don't want to get away with anything
only grace can take away self-condemnation
only grace depends on the Spirit in me
only grace can take away my fear
only grace says don't hide
only grace allows me to obey from the heart and not just comply
only grace reveals the Jesus I can rest my very being upon
let His grace remind you and convince you that you are loved by a great God
let His grace create an environment of grace in your life
let His grace inform you the truth of the really really good news
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