occasional vulnerability//the curated life

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  

 

yesterday, i sat in my classroom during my prep period with the lights off, soft music playing, and i felt for the first time in two months like i could breathe.

i had one class left to go until 3:30 on Friday afternoon (the most magical time of the week) arrived.  This particular 3:30 was special as it ushered in a week-long fall vacation.

we are exactly half way through semester 1, and honestly, i am surprised, truly surprised, that i have made it through.

i've been told time and time again that the first year teaching at any new school is a tough one.  and if i think back to my last two teaching stints, however distant a memory they may be, i can recall the truth in these words.

as i pondered how things have gone and where i wanted them to go in the next nine weeks, i realized that in spite of all the negatives that seem to loom, i could also recognize a lot of growth and a few victories in the previous nine weeks.

i think those growths and victories can all be attributed to one thing:

vulnerability.

if i think about the handful of times my students responded with insight and care, and were really engaged//attentive to me and each other, was when i was at my most vulnerable.  it was when i was being real, when i connected literature to real life, when i revealed a truth about me or my life, when i called them on their shit and explained to them why it wasn't okay.  i think those moments, few as they may be, have been our best thus far.

and they haven't been easy.  but what is easy about vulnerability?  it is probably what i loathe and long for most in my life.  the ability to be vulnerable and express things and simply be in the most authentic way.

it is an occasional happening, it has come about by circumstances and where i may have felt led or forced, but there is something to life's movement now, where vulnerability is the path i am actually wanting to traverse as hard as it may be.

it is something that goes along with building this life, not just living it.