a friend recently asked me if it was my intention to stay single through my thirties. i immediately responded, "i don't know." i wasn't even taken aback by the question, because it was different then i was used to. it wasn't "who have you been dating lately?" or "why do you think you aren't married?" it was simply, what are your plans in doing life...alone or with someone?
and the truth is, it has become an odd conundrum since turning thirty. dating is suddenly different. it doesn't seem like it is just for fun anymore. it doesn't seem like it is for the joy of getting to know someone for an evening and not worrying about what happens next.
instead there is a pressure, a clock, if you will. and no, not the biological one...though i'd be lying if i said i don't fret about that one from time to time. it is a pressure of...how many "not working out" can one woman endure before she becomes hardened, or gives up, or worst yet...settles.
it's probably the thought of settling that gives me the most comfort in doing life on my own. i feel pretty awful when i consider the one or two men i let hang around when i knew full well, that us sticking together would mean in my mind and heart i was settling. and i am so thankful that no guy has settled for me. and i know for certain if one had stuck around, we'd both know his heart would have been restless with me. and as painful as that was, i can now, with years of healing, be more than okay that he didn't, that i didn't, that we didn't.
the truth is, i told my friend, is that my intentions are to simply keep my eyes open for a "good" guy and in the meantime work towards becoming a better woman. she then inevitably inquired as to what constitutes a "good" guy. and you know what, good has changed meaning for me over the years. and while good seems like such a generic adjective, in my mind, it is the best one out there, because good can encompass so much. good is more than kind, sturdy and reliable. it moves beyond the essence of patient and loving. it is more rounded than that. it is thick with forgiveness and it sees with eyes that are not tuned to the world's truths and estimations of beauty, but rather the wisdom of the Word and the love that stems from knowing through and through that he too is beloved.
i used to say, he should be tall and nice and of course love Jesus. all of which is good, but it took understanding good on a deeper level to surmise that all i really mean is i want a good man. and he may be hard to find, or maybe it's me that is living a life hidden away, but this act of alone is alright by me. it is not necessarily my desire to live this act out for the next nine years, but it serves its purposes for now.
marriage, dating, singleness, divorce, death, loneliness and alone all hold their own difficulties that we all, wherever we find ourselves, have to learn to navigate with grace and fortitude. and so far, i think i've done alright.
i don't know if i'll ever get married, and frankly i have to accept that. my older friends, with much more life experience and wisdom under their belts give me a chuckle when i say such things as they see me as much too young to draw such conclusions about my life and future. they see me with a handful of opportunities and much, much time to figure and find all of these elusive things that our culture says is the embodiment of a happy life.
and you know what, i think they're right.
so i am trying not to come to those conclusions so easily anymore. i am trying to address the questions and inquires (of a mostly caring group of humans who are so in want of knowing how a woman of 31 face a life on her own) with kindness, honesty and tact. i don't want to be a woman who groans, or whines, or wonders along with the pact why it is and why i am.
God has blessed me with the strength and ability to shine brightly in His world, showing me that anything is possible when I have faith, and that all things contain their own wonder and joy. ultimately i guess it is the hope and knowing that my supply and sustenance, no matter where i am at, comes from Him.
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