disclaimer: i had difficulty titling this post. the truth is, this is one i've been chipping away at for weeks. it has remained amongst a plethora of drafts because it hadn't found its true meaning until today. it started just as the wholeness of life when one thought had set itself afire all the way to my heart. then it turned into ballast and rudder because of a beautiful analogy our pastor presented at church last week. and lastly, today i add prayer and love, simple words that they are, but necessary to add for the full meaning of this post to be realized.
i pondered and prayed about what 2015 should look like for me. how might i grow? how might i impact the world around me? what can i learn?
and so, gumption came to me. rather than the other way around. there it was. perfectly packaged and presented.
this is it, i thought to myself.
my perfect guidance for the new year. i was getting affirmations everywhere, so i plugged away at how i might live gumptiously.
last year, wholeheartedly was it. and i found it was a hurtful word to carry on with. it was a good kind of pain; a necessary hurt, for it made me realize and feel things i had long suppressed.
but so far, i am a bit at a loss as to how gumption has guided and will guide 2015. i have found myself grasping for it blindly...trying to figure its way in to the moments that seem to call for it. however, when the moments arise that seem to demand i find i have no words or the words seem to come out all wrong. i find i am shrinking back instead of standing up. i've even resorted to hiding at my worst.
and truly, i think now, almost two months in, i realize why this is.
my life lacks its most foundational guidance.
prayer.
a life that lacks prayer is a life that is rudderless.
my life without consistent, conscious prayer is a life that lacks direction, or in fact is going in every wayward direction.
but my life with prayer is like a ballast to a boat.
it is what gives balance, stability and weight to my life. i am not usually one for boat analogies but this seemed to make the most sense to me recently.
a boat cannot do its job without a rudder and a ballast. these two things are the essence of the boat's security and strength as well as direction and control.
they are akin to prayer and love in my own life.
without prayer i am lost.
i used to somehow manage to get by. (all still by God's grace)
but consciously no longer can i.
as lent has begun (though as a church community we begin tomorrow) everyone is speaking of what they're giving up. and it is good. i'm all for it. but i've spent many lents giving things up only to recall that which i gave up...not what the giving up brought me.
this year, i am focusing on what i am giving into. and that is prayer. there are many things i am too afraid to pray for. there are many things i've stopped praying for because it has seemed that God has been rather silent on the matters. there are things i do not ask for and there are people i have yet to pray for.
this convicts and plagues my heart. a follower of jesus, as i call myself, is called to prayer...to pray...in each moment.
i am humbled by figures like brother lawrence, henri nouwen, andrew murray, and models in my own life who devote themselves to not only prayer but something much deeper; living a praying life.
so my thick focus for lent, for this leap of faith season, is this: to seek Him first. to seek Him in and through prayer. on my knees. daily. praying for specific things, praying for hard things, praying for that which i've been too afraid to pray of before now.
out from prayer grows love
prayer is the wholeness of life
ballast and rudder
No comments:
Post a Comment